Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

This week for Allure, I tell you how to be a total '90s b (all over again). Damn, I'm old. Read all about it here.



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Quick Sh*t: Start Off the Day the Right Way, With April Ludgate.

April is my spiritual sister, man. (Click to enlarge.)




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Vanessa Hudgens Obviously Used My Budget to Make Her (Sure to be Hit) Teaser Video for $$$ex.

Baby V, what the hell kind of effery is this mess? Does the title desperately need three dollar signs? Leave the innocent pool noodles and fanny packs of the world alone. They don't want any part of your nonsense. And how did you b's film this in my first piece of sh*t apartment? I can't believe they let you paint a wall in there. They wouldn't let me do that crap.

Quick side note about said POS apartment, that is NSFL. It (of course) didn't have a washer and dryer in it, so I would use the on-site laundromat. One day, there was a notice on the door from the police saying that a man had been stealing panties (bleh on that word) from the washers, using them for masturbatory purposes, and then PUTTING THEM BACK IN THE WASHERS. Listen, I get the stealing underwear thing. Whatever, you're weird. BUT PUTTING THAT SH*T BACK? That's some code red grossness. I don't know if dude skipped middle school health class, but you can't get b's pregnant by proxy.

Sorry for the perv story, but it's one that needs to be told. Passed down to generations, and such. So anyway, this video is terrible. End of list.

P.S. I realized today JUST how old I am. In order to watch Smirky McSmirkerson's video twice, I had to mute the sound. Next time I'll just remove my hearing aide.




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Random Homie: KeratinPerfect 3-in-1 Multi-Action Hair Beauty Balm

My hair is thin, y'allz. Like Olive Oil thin. (As in Popeye's boo thang, not the food product.) So if I ever find a hair product that I feel like makes my hair feel thicker and more luxurious, I hold onto that ish.

keratinperfect hair bb, $28

I've been using the KeratinPerfect Hair BB for the past couple of weeks, and I actually feel like my hair is thicker and healthier. Am I an insane person? (Don't have a smart mouth.) I do know one thing FOR CERTAIN -- this mess does pretty much everything but take your ass out to dinner. Here's the deal (from the website):

REPAIRS: Progressive Repair Technology helps stop breakage.
PROTECTS: Forms a humidity barrier for all-day frizz protection.
PERFECTS: Argan, almond and apricot kernel oils enhance moisture creating soft, lustrous texture in all hair types and revealing shinier, healthier-looking strands.  Revolutionary Apple Stem Cell extract rejuvenates the hair and makes it noticeably healthier with every use. KeratinPerfect 3-in-1 HAIR BB is free of parabens, sulfates and sodium chloride and is safe for color-treated hair.

I've been using only this (as far as product goes) the entire time I've sampled this product, and I really don't feel like I need anything else. It doesn't weigh my hair down, and it's smooth and ish. And while $28 isn't Dollar Store pricing, I usually use like four products at a time, so it's not INSANE. This b is my current homie fo' sho' right now. Totally into it. Check out the deets for yourself here. Now I have to go because my ass is hown-gray. I'm trying to give up dairy, and that mess is hard.

via thestupidfaces

I kind of hope that aliens abduct me instead. If you eat cheese in outer space, that crap doesn't count.

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Eff Your Twerking, Miley Cyrus. This is the Real Sh*t.

No, not the part I'm about to show your asses. The good good is in a minute. But for a reference point, I first have to share something of myself. I'm a twerker lite. (Does MTV still make those True Life shows?) And because I knew you b's would be all "whaaaa...." I made a very short video of lite twerk.

I'm clearly not on an effing twerk team, or any cool ish like that, but I like to fancy myself at least a decent judge of said twerk. And by now you've all seen Mi Cy's gangly ass twerk vid. That mess ain't NOTHING compared to these dudes' mad, mad skills.


via buzzfeed

That head boo can WERQ DAT AZZ, man. Why can't I be a gay man wearing a loin-cloth-type-garment from Brazil? Life's so unfair. And I'm going on a diet. I need to fit into mama's twerkin' shorty shorts by summer. (Dammit, I'm eating nachos.)

P.S. Try not to give me TOO much sh*t for my skills. I'm a middle-aged woman. Be kind to your elders.






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Random Homie: Skin Authority VitaD Fortified Illuminating Duo

skin authority vita d fortified illuminating duo, $79

I recently read an article (Shut up, I sometimes do crap like that.), that said a huge amount of Americans are Vitamin D deficient. And I'm Maury style -- 99.9% sure -- that I am one of those b's, because this is me:

Yeah, I hate being outside. And the sun. And the whole smell of outside, especially the smell of people when they've been outside, and then they come inside and smell weird. It's gross. So that's why I jumped at the chance to try Skin Authority's VitaD Fortified Illuminating Duo when they asked if I wanted to sample it. This kit is super cool, and different than anything on the market, because it consists of topical and supplemental treatments. Here's a little info on the system.



I really love this crap, because IT'S SO FRIGGIN' EASY. The topical elixir is my damn jam because it's not oily -- at all. Yeeaaaas. Finally, a topical treatment that does something badass and doesn't make my face a disgusting oil slick. The supplement is a powder in a shaker, so you just sprinkle it on your food. Vitamin D needs fat for your body to use it, so the shaker is a perfect way to just add it to your food and your body to actually absorb it (or whatever).

Since I've started using these little numbers, I feel like my skin definitely looks brighter and more clear. Plus, in one of my college classes we had a nutrition expert tell us that most vitamin pills can't be broken down in the body, and you just (you know) them out. So I feel like the powdered vitamins are the way to go. And don't worry, you can't taste that ish. Sprinkle it up, b's!

I love that cat so much. He's such an a-hole. I know that this kit is on the spendy side, but if you really are Vitamin D deficient, then this ish needs to be your new boo thang. Check out more deets on the Skin Authority VitaD Fortified Illuminating Duo here.



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How To Not Be Super Boring In Your Hand Area, Even If You Can't Do That Nail Art Sh*t.

To be realzzz with you, I'm super surprised that the whole nail art trend mess is still going down. It's not really something that most peeps can do with their own two hands, and it's been going on for way longer than a hot ass minute. But just because you aren't sponge painting ice cream cones onto your pinkie nails, doesn't mean you have to succumb to having your paws take the next train to Blahsville. Try these easy, and MUCH lazier ways of having an exciting mani.

Be like Mariah, and let that ish Glitter.

stun & dimepiece from floss gloss ($8 each)

I have straight up (now tell me) been on Floss Gloss' junk for a while now, and that's because their ish is the boss. Especially the glitter polishes, which are 100% opaque after two coats. This is no willy nilly nonsense. This polish is straight Willy Wonka's golden ticket on your tips. (I SAID TIPS.) Check out all of the Floss Gloss color choice (they are all hot) here.

Stick it. (Why are these all terrible movie titles?)

incoco nail stickers in boo! ($9.99)

Okay, so these are Halloween-themed nail stickers from Incoco, but IT'S MUMMIES AND THEY GLOW. That sh*t is timeless. If you can't paint real, live, mummies on your nails, this is totally the next best thing. And these stickers are so friggin' easy to use. They take me ten minutes to put on, when others take me, like, an hour. STOP JUDGING ME WITH YOUR EYES. See all of the (non-mummy) available Incoco designs here.

Get neon in this mutha effer.

revlon nail art neon polish (target, $7.99)

Call me trash, but I love neon polish right now. It's fun, and makes you feel uber Saved by the Bell-ish without wearing a Hypercolor t-shirt. The best thing about this Revlon Nail Art Neon Polish is the white base coat. It makes the neons even more neon-y. And there are ten colors to choose from, so you can definitely find one that will work for your ass. Unless you hate bright colors. Then you won't find one that will work for your ass. Try Hot Topic for "Black as Sadness," or whatever. Check the Revlon Neon array here.

via petwat tumblr

You officially aren't boring (on your hands), anymore. You look guuuurd, girl.






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