GUUUUUURL of the Day: This Creeper in a Homemade, Arts and Crafts Koala Mask

via thisistheinternet

What in the eff kind of nonsense is this, Sir? I am an avid lovers of koala bears, and this crap is scary and all kinds of inappropriate for my mind grapes. (Sidenote: Is it normal for a woman in her 30's to still have a favorite animal? No? Then good thing I'm 26...Shut up!) Even the fake ass koala looks sad as hell. Plus, he has your spittle all over his crotchal area. Rude. I'm even offended that that poor koala has to be next to that shirt you're wearing. I can't see much of your skin tone, but I feel pretty confident that that color is doing NOTHING for you. I am not amused.

And in case you have no idea what I'm talking about (or were born in the 90's), here's a refresher.





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Explain This Ish to an Old Person -- Is This New Lady Gaga Video Good?

I would like to start out by saying that I originally typed "food" instead of "good" when I typed that title. Howngray b, party of one? But seriously, young bucks, is this supposed to be a good song? Am I supposed to be poppin' that ass to this? I'm confused. And hungry, and then more confused. And also have a strong case of the olds.

P.S. I WANT to like this mess. I mean, it's called CAKE for God's sake. (Nursery rhymes, be damned.)


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The Badass B List: Treat Yo' Self

Sometimes you just want to be a fancy ass b. AmIright? There are some beauty products that just make your ass FEEL like it's dripping in diamonds, like Little Edie when she was on the cusp of fame, with extra brooches and turbans.

And since I don't actually HAVE any brooches or turbans, I like to find luxurious products to make myself feel like a lady who lunches. (What does that even mean? Don't we all eat lunch? Do rich ladies eat lunch, but not dinner?)

One of the most luxurious beauty items, to me, are false lashes. I freaking love the look of lashes. The more I look like Flower from Bambi, the better. But I'm used to using the cheap drugstore $3 (tops) lashes. So when the people from Goddess Lashes sent me some to try, I almost died from excitement. These lashes are handmade and mink, and can be used up to TWENTY times. (I use my drugstore lashes half a time, usually.) From Goddess Lashes:

Goddess Mink Lashes are made from individually selected mink fur hair that have been harvested by the natural shedding process of live mink, no cruelty or harm to the animals. They have been sterilized to ensure a safe non- allergenic usage.

Awesome, right? They also come in embellished sets, with authentic Swarovski crystals, delicate gold studs and fresh water pearl ornaments. Here are the crystal pair:

How friggin' fun are these b's? And here are the basic signature lashes:

These are so natural and pretty. (So you think you're pretty. -Regina George) These puppies aren't cheap (they start at $150), but the quality and look of them are beyond gorgeous. And you can reuse the hell out of them, as long as you don't get all trashy and actually take care of them. (I'm totally looking in the mirror when I say that.) Go check out all of the varieties of lashes that Goddess Lashes makes, and get yo' fancy ass on!

How about super luxury for under $15??? These Tatcha Original Aburatorigami Japanese Blotting Papers are $12, and have mutha effin' GOLD FLAKES in them. Now, that's some fanciest of the fancy pants ish right there. You b's know that I have not been shy about sharing my skin's extreme oiliness. It's quite the quandary of my beauty life. Putting on makeup only to have it look a blotchy, muddy mess a few hours later, is one of the banes of my existence. So needless to say, my ass has to have blotting papers on my person at pretty much any moment of life. The thing that I really enjoy about the Tatcha blotting papers are how they leave a little moisture to your skin after you use them. You aren't left with a dry-as-a-bone face -- it feels more gentle than other blotting papers I have used. So if you are one of those combo faced ladies or gents, these would be your total homie for life.

Now let's all go drink a spot of tea together. Pinkies up, b faces!




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Joe Manganiello Posing as a Grizzly Bear, or Possibly Vice Versa

via celebitchy

Joe Manganiello is a hot, hot b. But this is how I'm used to taking this lollipop:

I know that it's the True Blood off season, or whatever, but that doesn't mean you should be shirking basic hygienic upkeep. I just want to scrub this b with an entire bottle of Mane 'n Tail and then get after his ass with an entire package of disposable Bic razors. I totally understand if you want to let your chub out (oh, wow) when you aren't filming, but this is just way the eff over the top. The hot force is hot with you, J. Mang, so stop working your friggin' hardest to fight it, b*tch.

So, in keeping with the animal theme...

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Random Homie: Josie Maran Argan Oil Hair Serum

Josie Maran, $30

I love Argan oil products, and rumor had it that Josie Maran has some badass Argan products. So I was super pumped when they sent me the Argan Oil Hair Serum to try. And I decided to give it the old tried and true test -- use it on half my hair, and leave the other half alone.

CLEARLY the half that I used the serum on was the side on (your) right. I shampooed and conditioned them both exactly the same (duh, like I'm talented enough to do any differently), and blow dried using a round brush. I knew that the untreated side was in for a wild ride when I had trouble brushing through it when I was drying it. Ish was a trying task. The half with the serum feels super silky and shiny, and the other side is a damn tumbleweed blowing through a one horse town. Not. Cute. So it's sufficient to say the the Josie's has totally lived up to the hype, and I'm all in on this pony. This silky, sheeny-coated pony. Neeeeigh, b. Neeeeigh!



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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

Over on ye olde Allure blog today I pick my favorite beauty minis of the season, in honor of the release of the iPad mini. Ye should check it out yonder. And this ends my lame, half-assed attempt at olde english.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Everyone In This Video

This is a glorious little doozy about supermarket tabloids. You can pretty much skip to like 1:50 on this video, so you can get straight to the crazies. Let's talk about things that are happening here.

Alien Lady -- Did they also abduct your eyebrows? Why are you talking about this in front of your kid? Completely inappropriate. And your art work is nothing short of atrocious.

Dummy Guy -- What the hell is this meeting with other dummies? That is the dumbest story I've ever heard. (ZING!) Stick to the roads, sister. Stick to the roads.

Devil Toaster -- Your acting is ridiculous. You straight up just showed burned toast that you scraped words into with a knife. And that little "fire show?" B, please. You've got to come a little harder than that.

Oh, and the reporter guy? Take off that khaki fishing vest. You look like a douche. And like the guy that made Lord of the Rings.

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