I Have a Really Valid Question for This Maury Guest

Mario or Dee, maybe. But why the hell are you sleeping with dudes with names like Timboo or Black?



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Why Do We Give a Vajazzle About Raven Symone's Lady Business?

The interwebs have been accusing Raven Symone of loving on the ladies, specifically some chicky poo from America's Next Top Model. So Olivia (Cosby, duh.) took to her Twitter to speak up on the rumors. She's pretty much telling us we're in her business more than this cat.

Pic via Huffingtonpost.com

Pretty much, b is saying that she ain't saying! Which is fine. I don't need to know what Raven's lady parts are doing (or who) 24/7.

What I DO want to know is, why this mess was cancelled.

Yes, I watched this show. And I liked it. Kind of a lot.

The only other thing I want to know from Raven Symone is if she knows where Bill Cosby bought this.

I'm in love with a sweater. (That should have been the name of the T-Pain song.)


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Get The Most Out of Your Lashes, and Not Look (That) Insane

Who doesn't want long, luscious lashes straight out of a Bambi cartoon? I know I do. That ish is hot. Flower's eyelashes were the business. Who knew it was possible to be jealous of an (animal) cartoon? Don't get all crazy and b-faced about it. I've got some tips to make Flower look like ish. (Now that's just mean.)

1. Try Latisse! 

Seriously, don't be scared of this mess. I've been using Latisse for almost two years, and I'm totally into this ish. You use it initially every night for like four months or so, and then go onto the maintenance phase, where you use it a few nights a week to keep your results.

 It's prescription, so you have to get it from a doctor, or at least a medical spa. That's kind of a pain in the ass, but you can usually find decent deals on Latisse. It retails for $120, but lots of docs/spas have BOGO on it or other good discounts.

Tip: Put a drop in the cap of the bottle and dip the brush in the cap to apply. It makes it last longer, trust. I've been on the same bottle for like six months. This isn't what the directions that come with the bottle says to do, so if you eyeball falls out or something, don't sue me. I'm not a doctor, I'm dumb.

2. Line your waterlines.

Sephora Cream Liner, $10

NOTHING makes sparse lashes look more bountiful than lining your waterlines. You are probably saying, "DUBS TEE EFF is a damn waterline???" It's the inner line of your eyelid right past your eyelash line, before your actual ball. Gots it? Line those b's with a cream or gel black eyeliner, using a very thin, angled brush. I promise your lashes will look better. That ish cray!

Tip: Don't wear a ton of eyeshadow if you want your eyelashes to look longer. The more shadow you pile on, the less focus will be on the lashes.

3. Wear two different mascaras.

My down ass b mascara.

I know that this sounds weird, but just try it. If you layer two different mascaras together, lashes look more voluminous. What the what??? I like to use L'Oreal Voluminous mascara first, wait a minute, then follow with a more "lengthening" type of mascara. I like Cover Girl Lash Perfection currently for the second mascara.

Tip: Use a mascara with a plastic brush for the second mascara. It gets all of the nasty clumps out, and takes away the Tammy Faye (RIP, homegirl) spider lash look.

4. Wear falsies.

Cheap and not insane looking.

No, not in your bra. (But those are cool, too.) Fake eyelashes are the ultimate step in amping up your lashes, obvs. And they really aren't THAT hard to apply. It takes a little practice and good glue (I recommend DUO Adhesive that MAC sells.) I'll make a video on how I apply falsies soon, not that I'm a freakin' expert or anything.

Tips: Let the lash glue dry for a couple minutes before you put the falsies on. They will stay on MUCH better than if you just throw those b's on willy nilly. Truth. Also, be conservative when you pick your fakes. Don't get the biggest, craziest pair on the rack. Pretend like Jane Austen is shopping for eyelashes at CVS with you. (What does that even mean?!? WWMDT -- What Would Mr. Darcy Think?)

If you follow all of these tips, your lashes will be more on point than this:

You're welcome. (That b!)



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And Mischa Barton Makes an Amazing Comeback! (Not.)

Because nothing says, "I'm back b's, and I've TOTALLY got my ish together!" like putting on a panda head and faux making out with another panda head. Why you gotta bring ol' Louis Armstrong into this mess???


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Lisa Turtle is Totally Stressing Me Out, You Guys.

Lisa Turtle (WTF kind of last name is that, anyway, Saved by the Bell writers???) A.K.A. Lark Voorhies (a forever sexual name) did a little interview with OMG Yahoo about what she's been up to in recent years. Here it is.

Ummm, I need to have Lark's email, cell phone, and home address info. I'm worried about her. Something doesn't look right. And I mean that without snark. What's up, Larkie poo? Here's a comparison if you hadn't seen her since she went to the toga party and wrecked her mom's car:

Pic via US Weekly

She just looks so...different. But, upon further review, I think I MIGHT have an inkling of what's going on. In the picture on the left, you can see a light spot on her forehead, near her hairline. I suspect that Lark might have vitiligo (what Michael Jackson allegedly had that lightened his skin). So, she might have a quite uneven skin tone now on most of her face. But the rest of her body looks unaffected.

Ugh, I don't know. All I know is whatever the case may be, we need to work on that hair and makeup situation, STAT.

We can fix this! It takes a village to help a cray beauty situation, but I've got you, L. Turts.




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Have Crap, Will Travel

I went on a trip this past weekend, because I'm a baller (I'm totally not), and I was reminded just how much it sucks to travel when it comes to beauty products. My husband was all, "We'll only be gone a couple days, let's just do carry on luggage." He promptly got this reaction:



Mens (and parents -- thanks Fresh Prince) just don't understand. You can't do carry on, because you're limited to like 1.5 liquid items, or whatever, and they have to be -0.9238438 oz or something and fit in a plastic bag the size of a thimble. (I'm not googling that info. Lazy ride or die, all day, 'err day.) My husband acted like I was crazy in the brains, because b uses a bar of Irish Spring and ish as his only beauty item. Whatevs, I'm high maintenance...Have we met?

So, I'm back, and thinking about what I SHOULD have brought with me.

My Mom just gave me this badass Romancing the Glow palette from tarte. (QVC, for $39.98) It's a perfect traveler -- not this kind, but still:
 


But it's got six eyeshadow shades, a big blush, bronzer, and a highlighter. Plus, it's got the amazonian clay goodness in it, mmmkay? My mom totally gets me.

I also did not bring my L'Oreal EverCreme Cleansing Conditioner (Amazon, about $6), even though it would have saved me a lot of space in my suitcase. My head is mostly used for a hat rack. What can I say? I love this ish, and it has one of those pumps on top that lock, so it's pretty spill-proof.

Urban Decay's 24/7 Eye Pencil in Perversion (Sephora, $19) is pretty, pretty good. It stays the hell on, through A LOT, including falling asleep on your seat neighbor's shoulder on the plane (all without smearing). And it's as black tar! (Which is a good thing, if you're wondering.) My only complaint on this b is that I wish it was not a pencil you had to sharpen. Make it in a click-up pencil. I beg of you!

Those are my picks for travel! (Still going to check my bags, I'm not a vagrant.)

Do you guys have any travel favorites? Share with a b!



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Happy Mother's Day From C Stodd

Hot Stoddy, you are so thoughtful! A fishnet tube dress, mullet-ish hair, and boobies pushed up towards the heavens are just what moms want. I can't wait until her armband line comes out (you know it will). I will totally squeeze my stubby little b's into one.

Happy Mother's Day!

P.S. Nice armoire. Too bad mine is cooler.

As if. I wish I had that mess. And a kid like Chip.




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