Am I Done Here?

Pic via Us Weekly

Here is Brad Pitt filming some movie where he looks pretty unfortunate. I mean am I right? Homeboy's face is toeing a VERY fine line to the color and texture of his boots. I say this with a heavy heart, but I think that my love affair with Brad Pitt is over. And this is no fly-by-night deal. I actually have proof of just how long I have been into this b.

Here I am having an (obviously) badass sleepover in the early(ish) 90's, which apparently involved a lot or tag team telephone time. Fun. You are welcome, everyone's face that I blurred out. Ugh. How annoying does my room look? And look at the luxury TV I have kickin' in the corner. I was a preteen boss. Now, lets focus on what's really important here.

There's Brad Pitt, from Legends of the Fall, taking up prime real estate on my ugly ass floral wallpaper. (BTW, if you've never watched that movie, watch that ish. It's seriously really effin' good. And it has the kid from ET in it.) Don't get me wrong, BP is still a hot man. I just feel like the magic is gone. I blame Angelina Jolie.

Are you guys still into Bradley? Or have we moved on to b's like Harry Potter or whatever? (Shudder.)



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And My "That Dude's Hot" Shame Spiral Hits a New Low.

I came across this article on I'm Not Obsessed, which contained this photograph of young Justin Bieber. Don't worry, I'm not about to go all, "Justin Beiber is hot now." No, he's not. BUT, I was like, "Who is that slightly trashy, Liev Schreiber's less attractive brother looking, jorts wearing, hot man with Lady Biebs?"

Pic via Imnotobesessed.com

Holy ish, you guys. THAT'S J. BIEBS DAD. It's not Kevin Federline's hotter cousin. Ugh. I'm old. And completely gross. I'm going to bury my disgust in cupcakes and wine wine cooler (more appropriate). It's 8:45 where I live right now. IDGAF.

Update: Because I'm weird, I couldn't stop thinking about 'Lady Beibs', and I really think that Justin Bieber should make a cameo on Downton Abbey. This is what it might look like.

I'm done. Happy Friday, b faces.




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Awkward Crush of the Day: Breaking Bad's Walter, Jr.

I'm pretty sure that you guys know that I pretty much hate myself. Well, I can add another reason to the ol' gross list. I have a pretty, pretty horrible confession: I have a thing for Walt, Jr. from Breaking Bad. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, first off, you need to watch this show. It's mf-ing good. Secondly, here comes the gross part. Walter, Jr. is the son of the main character, and is...umm...16. Here he is in the background, behind OG Walter. (He also has cerebral palsy, which is why he uses crutches.)

But, don't call the FBI or anything. I googled it, and he's 19 in real life! So I'm still gross, but not illegally so. JUST weird enough to be a creeper, but not enough to warrant a visit from Chris Hansen. Score, mf-er's!

And I even have a runner up:

I've never really found Joseph Gordon-Levitt sexual at all, but he's looking pretty hot here. This is how I usually think of him:

B was as sexually ambiguous as I was in the 90's. Okay, I'm seriously done exposing my weird ish (for today). Please tell me that you guys develop strange crushes on strange strange. Don't leave this b hanging!



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Feast Your Eyes Moment: Jon Hamm is Sporty Spice

Jon Hamm was obvi playing baseball for some reason or another, that I really can't be bothered with to research. I just know that Don Draper is a hot, hot b.

Speaking of Jon Hamm, if you missed the live epi of 30 Rock this season, watch this ish. Then, you can thank my ass.




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Breaking News: Hot People Wear Bikinis, Look Hot.

Duh, everyone in the world is a the beach right now. So a plethora of celebrities have either tweeted pictures of themselves or been photographed in bikinis. I, on the other hand, have been alternating between working my retail job and eating a sh*tload of pastries. I'm pretty disgusting.

First up, Heidi Klum tweeted this picture of herself:

Yeah, she looks so gross. Cover that mess up. JK. She looks super hot. Sigh.

Also coming from her own tweet, here's Britney Spears and her young'ns:

Lookin' good, Brit-a-saurus Rex! And it's nice that you gave your hair stylist the holiday off. Sweet.

Next up, in the super posing for photogs category, is Aubrey O'Day. Girlfriend is letting those cheeks fly high on the 4th of Juuuu-ly, honey:

Pic via Daily Mail

Next we have double the hotness with Nicole Sheroiweuroewhatever (I'm not googling that) and Krysten Ritter:

Pic via Huffington Post

Wow, that amazing beach doesn't look NEARLY as fun as me eating potato chips right now. But you know what?

That's Tina Fey's kid, and I want to adopt her. Did you guys do anything fun this week/weekend? Make my ass ever more jealous, please.



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I Make Hot (That's Up to Your Judgement) Hoes Look Awkard: True Blood Edition

True Blood is back tomorrow, b's! And if you have been a reader of this blog for a while, you know I LIVE for this ish. I will be doing my dumbass True Blood recaps again, so get ready to hate on that mess.

In honor of all of the hot sessiness that makes up the True Blood lineup, I have scoured the interwebs via my AOL dial-up connection ("Mom! Don't pick up the phone! I'm in a chat room!") to find the most awkward pictures I can find of those hot, hot w's.

First up, Eric. Or Alexander Skarsgard, if you want to be all technical and ish. Today's Skarsy is a tall parfait of Nordic fro-yo sexiness, but check this out:

Did he have a former career as a Nick Carter impersonator? Is that a skinny pink belt in the picture on the right? Are those a pink pair of women's Izod pants on the right?

Next is the rugged hotness that is Alcide. Joe Manganiello is like a bear skin rug made of muscles, slightly dirty hair, and abs now, but here he is in high school:

Pic via Celeb Buzz

Okay, he's still pretty hot. (He's probably 18 in this picture -- Right? Don't call Chris Hansen.)

The new edition (Sit down, Bobby Brown, I wasn't talking about your ass.) to the show is Chris Meloni as some HBIC. I've always thought Chris was sprinkled with a special sauce of gruff and sexy. But here he is roughly 93842048 years ago:

Was he on Eight is Enough? Or is that just my mom's haircut from circa 1981? I would post a picture of that mess, but I'm sure she doesn't want to be associated with my ass.

And just for a little more awkwardness:

I don't know what this is, but it is just a whole big ol' bag of wrong that has been done to this man.

Jason Stackhouse, or Ryan Kwanten if you must, is a ripped little elf. But there are some unfortunate pictures of this hot little man. Exhibit A:

What exactly is this? (Besides awkward?)

And this is just shades of 98 Degrees of no.

Sam (on TB  and birth certificate) is a little take it or leave for me in the man department, but maybe some of you have a thing for him. I personally think he body doubles for Britney Spears' boyfriend, but whatevs.

Anyway, here he is hopefully in a modern day interpretation of Tom Sawyer. Starring a big ass red steering wheel and taking place in a bamboo jungle.

Sigh. I guess I have to mention my nemesis, Bill. I'm sure some people like stiff, wooden dudes. (Don't be gross.)

Seriously, did Stephen Moyer have a face (and hair) transplant with Chris Isaak? That ish cray.

And I can't leave out Andy Bellefleur. I know it's not conventional, but I find Sheriff Andy attractive for some reason. Don't judge me, Bill lovers!

Andy's driver's license reads "Chris Bauer," so that's what I googled to find weird pictures of Sheriff Andy. This is what I found:

Obvs (hopefully), this is a different Chris Bauer. Yet, still just as sexual. (Scruffy, watery eyed gingers need love, too!)

Here's a picture of the "real" Chris Bauer, looking like a real Baberaham Lincoln. (Thanks, Wayne's World for all of my comedic lines.)

Okay, I'm finished humiliating hot dudes. I'm like a boring, unsexy, virtual dominatrix.

See! Celebrities are just like us! (No they aren't.) They have horrible, awkward pictures from their past, too! (Regular people's -- like us -- are much, much worse.) Now let's all tune in tomorrow and catch the current hotness of the True Blood cast to wash this gross taste from our mouths.


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TWEEEEEEEE!

                                                                   Pic via Pop Sugar

So, um hi guys. I know a lot of you are all, "And you are???" I know. I haven't blogged in about 8 million years. But I got a retail job a few weeks ago, and I've been busy y'alls! (Worst excuse of the year? 'Haps.) BUT, I just got a new computer and I made a pact with myself that I would blog AT LEAST four times a week. Mmmmkay? Mmmmkay. Now that that nonsensical madness is out of the way, let's discuss this.

TWEEEEEEE! (Okay, so "TWEEEEE!" is what I say in my mind when I see something I like that is completely age inappropriate for me to be into. See: Hunger Games, Hello Kitty, pretty pink stuff.) So here's Jennifer Lawrence from The Hunger Games premiere. Um, if this ish isn't TWEEEEE-rific, I don't know what the eff is. Katniss is looking all kinds of minx-y in this getup. Everything is a big ol' YEEEEAAAAS for me on this.

What do you guys think? Into it? Feel like vomiting? (Maybe you had some bad shellfish.)

P.S. I'm thinking of doing a a Hunger Games makeup tutorial vid. Probably something Effie Trinket-ish.

Would you guys like that? Still want to vomit? Let a sister know.

I'm baaaaack b's!


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A Hot Old B Finishes Out True Blood's Hotness Trifecta!

It has been confirmed, via TV Line that Chris Meloni (Detective Stabler 4 EVA!) will be joining True Blood as an ancient vampire. Um, yes and thank you! Are you not convinced? Then perhaps watch this 4 and a half minute video of his apparent hotness while Salt n' Pepa's 'Shoop' plays. This ish is pretty, pretty creepy.



Congratulations to True Blood's producer Alan Ball. He has now covered all of our hot bases. Sexual old dude? Check (Chris Meloni). Super sexual Nordic blonde b? Check (Duh, Eric). Super duper sexual dark and manly man? Check and check (Alcideeeeee!). Sorry, Bill. You didn't make the hot list. You may sit down.

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Daaaaaaaang, Becky Lettuce!

Pic via E! Online

Rebecca Romijn is damn 39 years old! And has 3 year old twins! I HATE MYSELF! Why am I exclaiming EVERYTHING! (See, that even needed a question mark, and I ignored the rules of punctuation!) I feel like this right now!

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Who's Ready for Transition?

I'm sick of sweating my ass crack off, boob sweat, upper lip sweat. All that ish. I'm ready for a season change. I'm always on board for transitional pieces. Anything that will bring me on in to the following season is great, because I'm impatient as a mofo. I really wanted some motorcycley/bad ass b*tch boots. So I tried these Steve Maddens on.

They were super soft and flopped down just like I wanted. One problem. I looked like a damn bowling ball. Stumpy stump stump stumpsville. It was a hot ass mess. I have to say, I have given up on paying like $200 for shoes that make me look like sh*t.

So instead I got these Vince Camutos.

I'm in love, you guys. They feel like friggin' butter. My legs don't look (as) stumpy. Cute with skinnies, skirts, dresses, yadda yadda.

And, yes, I have already been wearing them even though it 5 million degrees outside. I don't give an eff.

What are you guys excited about wearing for Fall? Next on my list is a cape/poncho!

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True Blood Musings: Alcide and Eric, and No Clothes!

 Um hmmmm, oh-kay??? Let's talk b's.

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True Blood Musings: Zexxxy Times

 It's that time again, Trubies! (As you can see by Eric's blank "Snooki" stare.)

Let us discuss...

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I want it now! (Veruca Salt voice)

I really want a hand/finger harness, y'alls. I saw this thing somewhere, and I didn't even know what it was called, so I searched Etsy for "finger chain bracelet." Yup, because I'm brave like that. Apparently, it's called either a finger harness or a hand harness. Anywhoodle. I want it. Now. And now onto endless hours of scouring the interwebs for the perfect one.

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Ob. Sessed.

Listen, I don't mean to be a Negative Nelly, but I really detest tanning. Indoor, outdoor, no thanks. I know it may seem like an amazing idea right now, but trust, when you are looking a hot mess way too young, don't come crying to me. But no worry, you can be a bronzed goddess without looking like a baseball mitt.

Side note: If you want to embrace the paleness, I'm totally down. Vampires are hot, I dig it.

This is for those of us that just feel slightly hotter with some color on our buns. I have been a self-tanning fanatic on and off for almost ten years. I have tried almost every brand and formulation out there. I have looked a streaky mess many a time. (See: Lindsay Lohan's legs in natural sunlight.) But I now have my application down to a science. And I have my favorite self tanners. See what's up after the jump!

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