I have to have surgery on Thursday. But before you start a massive (or tiny) kickstarter to fund a parade in my loving memory, know that I should be fine. It's going to take me a few weeks to recover, but please save your carnation get well bouquets for someone more deserving.
It turns out that I have a GIANT (like, 4.5 inch) ovarian cyst growing inside my body. I took a picture of it, but I don't know how delicate your sensibilities are, so if you like to peep weird, gross shit, you can check it out
here. I know you don't know the normal state of my abdominal area, but that ain't it. It's pretty much like I shoved a grapefruit into my belly through osmosis. Or some other kind of science that I clearly don't understand.
I've known that I have this surgery coming up for a week or so, so I've been trying to prep myself for being laid up for a while and not being able to do my usual beauty nonsense. I was already a big ol' dummy and painted my nails, thinking it would make me feel better. Then I remembered that you have to take all of your polish off before surgery to...check your oxygen levels? Monitor your nail beds? Evaluate your cuticle situation? Shit, I don't know.
So, I started focusing on things that I needed to get done to make myself less of a MF-ing horror show after this process. Looking (relatively) human is the end goal.
The Lazy Razor
I hate shaving my legs, and I rarely do it. It's just so time-consuming for something that I give zero to few shits about. But since professional strangers are going to be doing things to my unconscious body, I thought I might as well clean up all ye olde parts.
And let me tell you a little something -- if I'm using a razor, the only one I want slice up my ankle bones with is the
Schick Intuition Razor (especially this Pure Nourishment with Coconut Milk & Almond Oil one -- it's so moisturizing you'll want to hug it). It's a one-stop shop. You don't need freakin' shaving cream, gel, soap, shampoo, conditioner, or whatever the hell you use, and I've tried it all. It's the razor of my people -- the lazies.
Poppin' Bottles of (Dry) Shamps
I'm kind of anticipating not being able to wash my rug on the daily, and that's going to be rough for an oily mofo like myself. Luckily, I've been stockpiling some of my favorite dry shampoos to remedy this sure-to-be-tragic situation.
I've already mentioned my love for the cult classic
Pssssst! Dry Shampoo. It's cheap, it smells good, and it's mild. If you're OILY oily, you'll probably need something stronger, but this is a good pick-me-up spritzer.
My newest cheap(ish) ride-or-die is
Batiste Dry Shampoo. I got this one at Marshall's for $5.99, and I'm pretty, pretty into it. It banishes grossness a little more than the Pssssst!, so I like it for second day hair. And I'm anticipating third/fourth/fifth day hair up in this mother. HALP.
Anti-Pasty Legs
CVS Beauty Club was kind enough to send me a whole gaggle of new drugstore beauty stuff, and that included these spankin' new Jergens Natural Glow products. Because you
KNOW that I'm in a deep and undying love with Jergens NG stuff, I was pretty jazzy jazzed. Also, my legs are so pale right now that they're weird and purple-y, so I'm all about getting
tans on my legs and not on my face RN. You know, to look un-bedridden and whatnot.
I used the
Jergens Natural Glow Color Primer In-Shower Scrub for pre-tan exfoliation, and it's pretty fantastic. I'm usually pretty staunchly
"I Don't Want No Scrub" when it comes to self-tanner exfoliation, but I really liked this stuff. It has a light and non-annoying scent, and totally gets the job done. I couldn't find it to purchase online, so just check your local CVS if you want to give it a whirl. Or a scrub.
I then used the new
Jergens Natural Glow Instant Sun Sunless Tanning Mousse, which is completely different from their standard NG lotions, in that it works instantly to deliver that bronzy good good. And this is a mousse, which I LOVE. They dry faster and are way easier to apply. I rubbed it on with bare hands, just to see how orange it made my palms. It was mid-level, so I would wear gloves, especially if you want to do your whole bod.
The final result is very natural and not-Lohan-esque, but also not crazy dark. So if you want something deeeeep, you might need to apply this stuff a couple of times.
The last product is the
Jergens Natural Glow Tan Extender Daily Moisturizer. I haven't tried this yet, because I JUST rubbed my damn tan on, but I'll report back and let you know if it allows my laziness to grow leaps and bounds by extending my fake tan. It sounds promising.
Fancy-Ass Feet
My feet are a HOT ass mess, mostly because I haven't had a pedicure in years on years on years. So when I got this
Micro-Pedi (also sent to me by CVS Beauty Club), I was like:
My feet are literally and figuratively rough, and I didn't want to be scratching myself up like I live in a sandpaper factory while I lie in my sickbed. N'thanks.
I didn't really know what to expect when I used this contraption. You use it on dry skin, but I did it over the bathtub, because I didn't know how much skin fallout (BRB vomiting) to expect. Let me just fill your beautiful brain with this: THIS THING IS AMAZING.
It's like a little baby sander for your feet. It doesn't hurt, and it really gets the Josie Grossies off. I was very impressed, and that is rare. I love this so much, I want to elementary school marry it.
That's it. I'm as ready as I'll ever be for this shit. I'll catch you on the flip side, so in, like, a week or two. I'll keep you updated!
