Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The "Million Dollar Facial"

Who's ready to get fancy up in here? Today I've got TWO Outrageous Beauty facial videos coming out for Allure Insiders. The first one is dubbed the "Million Dollar Facial," and involves tons of fancy pants stuff like a diamond microdermabrasion and a 24k face mask. I've never felt less garbage heap-y than I did after these treatments. (And you know that's saying a lot coming from me.)

Check it out if you're feeling extravagant. Or luxurious. Or lavish. I'll post the Fall-centric facial number two in a few hours, so keep those eyeballs peeled. You know, or just check back.




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My Favorite Nudes (Lipsticks, You Sickos!)

I feel like I've been a Never Nude lately. I've been sitting around, blabbing my big dumb mouth about nothing but bright/dark/bold/any other adjectives that mean non-natural-color lip products, and I've been completely neglecting all of the naked ladies of the world. And I actually love the naked ladies.

As much as I flaunt the hell out of crazy-color lipsticks, I'm actually more of a nudist lip type of chick on the daily. I've tried roughly 3.7 billion (lies) nude lips through the years, and I've accumulated a decent arsenal of the "your lips but better" mouth jackets in every kind of formulation, from matte to gloss. So, no matter your preference, I've got you, boo.

The Mattes

Let's start with the seriousness. Matte nudes pack the most color (non-color?) punch, but they're also the thickest and make your lips look the most like a wrinkle circus. I live my life not giving any shits, so that doesn't bother me, but I'm sure some mofos have feeling on this.

My favorite nude mattes are the NYX Soft Matte Lip Creams in Stockholm and London. Stockholm is more of a pinky nude, and London is more of a beige. They run about $6 each, so bonus points for not costing a bazillion doll hairs. (P.S. You can also mix the two of these together, and it's kind of a slice of perfect pie. In my eye. I can't even lie. *snaps for poetry*)

The Gloss

Maybe you hate matte lips. Maybe you're more of a shiny type. That's okay, I'm only slightly judging you silently. Like, three percent. It's fine. To keep it completely honest, I actually use this gloss the most out of anything I'm talking about today, because it's easy and I can put it on sans mirror.

Tarte LipSurgence Lip Gloss in Exposed is the perfect sheer pinkish nude gloss. It's also kind of minty, so if your lips are thirsty and parched, this will be your shit. I'm always thirsty and parched, so this is, in fact, my shit.

The Department Stores

I also have a couple higher-end nude favorites that fall into more of the more traditional lipstick variety. They really vary in color, too, so there's that.

The Clinique Chubby Stick Intense Moisturizing Lip Colour Balm in Curviest Caramel is pretty bomb. If I didn't think that the word "creamy" was gross as eff I would call it creamy. Because it's creamy. Creamy. It's also a deeper shade than most of the other products I've featured, so if you have a darker skin tone, this will be a damn dream on you, dream box.

MAC Lustre Lipstick in High Tea is my other department store homie. Side note -- I've had this lipstick for YEARS and until this very second I thought that the shade was called "Lustre." Nope. I am so dumb. Anyway, it's great and blah blah blah I love it. I need to go read all the Encyclopaedia Britannicas.

The Drugstores

Don't think that I forgot about my thrifty sisters. These drugstore babies are nothing to scoff at. Also, please don't scoff at things. It's rude. I'm slowly morphing into an Emily Post etiquette blog. Ha. No, I'm not. I SCOFF AT THAT.

In fact, the L'Oreal Colour Riche Colour Caresse Lipstick in Sheer Linen is probably my favorite color of all of these nude dudes, so take THAT expensive stuffs. And the texture is pretty sheer (uh, no doy) and moisturizing. It's well worth the dough.

In other L'Oreal news, L'Oreal Colour Riche Lipstick in Fairest Nude is no slouch, either. I like this lipstick because it almost has a tiny lilac flair. And it's not shimmery. It's kind of weird for a nude, which speaks to me as a weirdo.

Let's get nude! On our lips. I'm actually wearing pants. What are your favorite nude lips? TELL ME ABOUT ALL THE THINGS.




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"Between Two Ferns" Satisfies All Of Our Cravings (Sorry, Gross) With Brad Pitt And A Dash Of Louis CK

In this latest installment of "Between Two Ferns," we get to relish in the trying-not-to-break moments of Bart Pit, who is known for such films as 12 Years a Salve and Furry, but more notably, still somehow sexual with a mustache. Someone do research on this. I thought it was impossible.

We also get a few short moments with another one of my unlikely crushes, Louis CK.

Why is his shirt inexplicably wet? WHY IS YOUR DUMB SHIRT WET? Get out of here...rats.

If Zach Galifianakis were a lady person, we'd be talking about how he's all skinny and shit now, but I'm much more interested in if anyone remembers when he was in a music video with my favorite weird humanoid, Fiona Apple. And also why his hair is looking like such a mash-up of a colonial dude and a Disney prince. (Side note: I just had to google the Fiona Apple thing, just to make sure that wasn't a peach-schnapps-and-goldschlager-fueled dream I had in the early '00s. It wasn't. It happened.)



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A Crazy-Easy Fall Face, With A Bonus Mini ColourPop Haul

I did a combo video today. Like those gross pretzel-with-fake-pizza-cheese things, but hopefully 100% less gross. And more pizza-y.

It's one part easy Fall makeup tutorial, one part mini haul for ColourPop, one part rambling river mouth. (How many parts are there? It's unclear, much like my trains of thought.)

Here are the lip colors I talked about, in a collage where they look eerily similar. They are in fact different. Here's the top shade and here's the bottom. See? Totally...different.

And as promised, here are swatches and close-ups of the shadows. Pretty amazing, right? You can check out all the available shadows here.

I have to go do some shit. AKA this:

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This Is Literally Renée Zellweger

You know when people are all, "This is LITERALLY the worst day of my life," when really the Starbucks barista gave them an (Ariana) grande instead of a venti (AKA A LARGE), or some shit? Well, they're using 'literally' wrong. And you probably think I'm in that same boat. Because there's no damn way that this is literally and actually Renée Zellweger.

BUT YOU'RE WRONG, BRO.

Listen, I am the first person to say that if you feel like effing around with your face, do the damn thing. I don't care. It's your face. What the hell do I care? But the fact that I thought that this was Robin Wright and Christina Applegate's first cousin is slightly problematic. And not through marriage.

RZ hasn't been in a movie since 2010, so I don't know what her life is all about. The singular thing that I do know is that her signature Zellweger squint started bumping "Since U Been Gone" and peaced out this bitch sometime in the last four years. And that I would love to get my hands on her eyebrows.

Live your life and do what you want, Renée, I just don't want to feel like this every time I see your mug.

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The Chef Too Sexy For His Shirt, And The Other Best Stories Of The Day

via buzzfeed

This all-around sexpot was fired from my hometown-area Chili's for doing generally gross shit like lying shirtless on the area where they make your Southwestern Eggrolls. How rude. He also uploaded the pictures he took of his unsanitary ass to Facebook, and created an album called "Sexy Cooks of Chili's," TAGGING THE LOCATION WHERE HE WORKED. Is it too late to use Antoine Dodson's "You are so dumb" here? Too late if it's too late. -- Buzzfeed

via daily mail

In other dude body news: A new virtual autopsy (what the eff is that?) revealed that King Tut had "girlish" hips because his parents were brother and sister. Hot. My own observation reveals that homie's alleged thorax looks like a boobless Kim Kardashian. -- The Daily Mail

via abc 7

This kook in a chute tried to get into a dude's house and ended up getting stuck in his chimney. She did this sexy Santy Claus deed after they met online, went on a handful of dates, and the house guy broke up with her. My main concern is how her hair still look so damn lustrous. On another note, dudes until the end of time will be quoting this in an argument for "bitches be crazy." Thanks, lady. But seriously, what shampoo do you use? -- abc7.com



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Make A DIY Curling Wand In 30 Seconds

Sometimes life hands you lemons. And those lemons are in the exact form of a curling iron that happens to be the perfect size, but the handle is c-blocking your hair styling flow. I love this curling iron because it's as big as a mofo and creates treasures of loose waves, but my hair is always getting yanked the hell out by the screws and springs on the clip thing-y. It's like I'm involved in a Real Housesives-esque fight every day.

So I decided to get rid of that shit. And it took 30 seconds. Here's how it works:

Use a screwdriver to remove the clip. Be careful, it kind of springs off at the end. Don't poke your eye out. While you're at it, avert your eyes from my gross nails. I'm a trash heap.

Then unscrew the spring part.

If you want, put the whole shebang in a ziploc and put it up. Who knows, you might want your OG curling iron back one day. I don't know your life.

That's it! I told you this was quick. No more hair-ripping-out-age for this beyotch.

Now you're free to...

(or whatever your flavor might be) your hair freely all up on your brand new curling wand.



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