SMMFS (Save My Mutha F@*&%#$ Skin)

I have not been shy with you about my long, storied past (and present) skin issues. I've had bad skin for 20 dumb years now, and there seem to be no signs of stopping this beastly trainwreck. It's not cute. No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom album could have been named after the topography of my skin. (Or a play on words with Magic Kingdom, but whatever.)

Most of my issues have always surrounded acne, and it's bitch cousin, acne scarring. I've become well-versed in that crap. But since I moved to Phoenix six months ago, I have encountered new and uncharted territory. MY SKIN HAS ALSO BECOME MATURE-LOOKING AND DEHYDRATED in this lack of humidity/sun-heavy ecosystem blah blah. What. The. Eff. Am I going to have to move into a Bio-dome? Luckily, I don't venture out much.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend

So now my skin life revolves around not only acne (which was off the mf-ing chain for my first five months here), but also dry weirdness and boring wrinkles. I've had just about enough of this bullshit, skin gods. Yeezus, save me. 

Kanye must have rubbed the legs of his leather sweatpants together in a certain way for me, because I have found a routine that has made my skin much, much better than it's been since I moved. If you find yourself with any of the laundry list of skin issues that I've listed above, travel along this skin brick road with me to see what's up. (Okay, that was too much and not normal. I've been watching too much Hannibal.)

Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream: Intense Hydration 

Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream: Intense Hydation (Kiehl's, $26.50)

When I started noticing the extreme dehydration of my face happening, I reached out to my Kiehl's peeps and begged them for help. They sent me the Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream Intense Hydration to try, and it has helped so, so much. I really wanted to try this cream because it was "torture-tested" by Kiehl's, in a study in the hottest and driest city in the country...Phoenix. WHERE I LIVE. And what did the test (and my face) find? That 97% of subjects showed a reduction in visible skin dryness by 30% in just 7 days. 

Here's the bottom line on this stuff: it's the perfect night-time cream for me. It doles out a ton of lasting moisture, without being heavy. It's too much for my skin for a daytime deal, because I'm still ALSO OILY. Yes, karma is a bitch. Or something. But if you're a drier skin-type this will be great for you, regardless of what time it says it is on your cuckoo clock.

tarte Maracuja Bronzing Serum

tarte Maracuja Bronzing Serum (Sephora, $47)

Speaking of daytime face stuffs, this is heaven in a shimmery bottle. I've been completely hooked on it, ever since tarte sent it to me with all of those amazing lip glosses a few weeks ago. It's not really the texture of the regular Maracuja Oil, which is also great, but it really dries to more of a matte finish that I can totally wear under makeup/sunscreen items during the day.

But besides having all of that good good junk for your mug in it, there's also a dab o' sunless tanner in the Maracuja Bronzing Serum. Just a little touch of tan. Nothing insane. You can sign my ass up forever and ever.

Clearogen 

Clearogen Acne Treatment Set (Sephora, $39.50)

I won't go on and on about Clearogen again, but I credit this stuff for finally keeping my ridiculously over-the-top breakouts in check. My skin is made of complete bullshit, and this really is the only thing that keeps me from looking like a total monster. 

I love this stuff so much that I cannot go one day without it. If fact, BRB (in AOL IM lingo), I have to go buy some more of the Acne Lotion. I WILL NOT let my face get crazy again.

 Pixi Glow Tonic

pixi Glow Tonic (pixi, $29)

I love a great toner, and this is a total bad b of a toner. It's probably made from finely pressed True Blood fairy wings, but I don't even care. (Okay, okay. It really has stuff like Glycolic Acid, Ginseng and Aloe Vera.) It exfoliates my skin and leaves it soft and buttery. 

Pixi Glow Tonic is like a refreshing alcoholic drink on a hot, disgusting day. But, you know, on your face. With an tiny umbrella. But no maraschino cherries. Those are sick.

Adovia Dead Sea Mud Soap

Adovia Dead Sea Mud Soap (Cleopatra's Choice, $11)

I bought this soap on a whim one day when I fell down a scary rabbit hole of internet beauty product shopping. One of those deals that you don't even know how you ended up somewhere, and you're just buying random shit that seems like it might work.

Well, weirdly enough, this Adovia Dead Sea Mud Soap happens to do it for me. It's one of those cleansing bars that really feels like it's getting all up in there and kicking gross stuff's ass and taking names. This would be a terrible life choice for people with dry skin, though. Proceed with caution.

Do you have a favorite skin care product? What do you swear by? TELL ME EVERYTHING.



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We Can All Reaffirm Our Love For Jon Hamm, As He Pretty Much Says That The Biebs Is Terrible.

via men's fitness

Our sexy as eff boyfriend Jon Hamm has a cover spread (heh) for Men's Fitness this month, and it sadly doesn't feature his very best asset. But, he totally made up for it when he slayed Bieber's ass in the interview with the magazine. Via Buzzfeed:

“Look at Bieber or whoever. You’re like, ‘What the f**k, man? What are you doing? Why?’ There’s no one telling those people no, and it’s a shame. [He should have] a mom or a dad or a really good friend who can say, ‘Hey, sh**head!’ You see people in the world and you’re like, ‘Do you know how a washing machine works? Do you know how to wash a dish? Life skills are something we’re missing… just s**t you needed to learn in life. There used to be a class that kids had to take in high school called home economics, which was cooking and sewing and just s**t you needed to learn in life.”

Jon sounds like a straight up crotchety old man, and I'm about that life. Put on a Mr. Rogers sweater and let's get bout it bout it. Okay, this is getting gross. BUT LEARN HOW TO WASH A DAMN DISH, JB. LEARN IT. Jon Hamm and I stand in a united front, as usual. Except for the time that he said to stop talking about his man area. Non-united with that shit. I'll probably start a MySpace page for it. So THERE, Jon Hamm. I TALK ABOUT WHAT I WANT.

I'm sorry I'm so yell-y. I had one drink. You can see why everyone hates me.






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Build-A-Brow Workshop: For Next Level Eyebrows

Hey, have we met? If so, I'm sure you've heard the good word: I'm completely friggin' eyebrow obsessed. Eyebrows are the reason that I started this blog. Eyebrows are the reason that I get out of bed some days. I don't leave the house sans brows of some sort, ever. I pity the fool that has to see my sad sack face without them.

This annoying ass character flaw is a complete detriment to my psyche, but it is somewhat beneficial. Because of my whack, over-the-top eyebrow compulsion, I have tried tons of brow products and techniques and whittled them down to a refined non-art. Whether you prefer your brows to be fresh-to-death natural or bold and slapping mofo's eyeballs out, I've got you covered. Soup to nuts. (WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?)

The Natural

If this is your brow style, you are probably fresh-faced and low maintenance. I wish I was you. Even if you're one of those "I don't really wear that much on muh face" ladies, your eyebrows need a little love 'n' such. Brow gels are right up your au nautrale alley, honey.

I really love Anastasia's Brow Gel, but I've used everything from CoverGirl clear mascara to spraying hairspray on a clean mascara wand. It's your damn life, live it how you choose. The real key here is how you apply whatever you're using. You want to brush your eyebrows up first, then over toward the end of your brow. THAT'S IT, MAYNE.

This will give you just enough natural polish to your brow game, without any color or fuss. Play on, natural playa.

The Lazy Bold Bitch

This next tier of brows is my everyday shit. It gives me plenty of boldness and hold, all in one little baby boo faced product, which is really in tune with my lazy sensibilities. This is for you if you want bangin' brows, but don't feel like completing 49850238409 steps to attain them.

This brow look is all about the Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade, which is apparently sold out everywhere, but cop it when it comes back. It's magic. It's easy to go overboard (like my favorite Goldie Hawn movie) with this stuff, so there's a method to perfection.

Instead of starting to outline your eyebrows at the start of the brows, begin at the inner bottom of the arch and follow all the way to the tail. Do the same at the top line of the brows, starting a little ways back, then fill in the whole tail end of the brows. Think of it almost like your eyebrows are an ombre dye job. Keep the darker stuff at the ends and use a lighter hand at the front. So with that in mind, fill in the front eyebrow area with just what's left on your brush after you've done the rest, to keep it natural, natch.

The Veruca Salt 

If you want to use every brow product that has ever been created in a lab and also have peeps dogging you on the street for your eyebrow secrets, like you're in some brow-centric music video, this is bud's for you. The VS brow is my "I'm trying" eyebrow go-to because, well, it takes actual effort, which is a lot for me.

To start this whirlwind, line your eyebrow starting at the very inner point closest to your nose, using a light-colored pencil, and outline the bottom line of your brow. Repeat the same deal on the top, again starting at the very inner top point. Now fill in the back tail of the brow with a darker shadow or brow powder. Next, shade in the front area with a lighter powder, which will smudge and disguise the lines you've drawn, and avoid eyebrows that could slice a b. Finish up with brow gel.

Voila, the boldest brow on the street. Veruca Salt would shove her red drop waist dress in a paper shredder to get next to your eyebrows, just so she could get them now.



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THE LILO 'DONE DID HIM' LIST IS LEGIT.

This might be an unpopular opinion, but I like Lindsay Lohan. And not in an ironic way. I do think that she's kind of a shit, in a I've-been-famous-since-I-was-12-and-I'm-surrounded-by-users-and-yes-men kind of way, but it seems like she's trying this time around.

Also, she might be making some truth revisions to some things she's saying. And the way that she insists upon her bronzer being applied is questionable. BUT SHE'S TRYING. (I think.)

So I like her. And I like that she admitted her eff list was applicable to real times. I really didn't expect that.

Sorry, Biel, she and JT got jiggy with it. Put that in your protein shake and drink it down. She's going to be doing hate-squats ALL NIGHT tonight.



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Okay, Okay, One More Coachella Related Post. IT'S ABOUT BIEBER.

via buzzfeed

I didn't really want to be all,"COACHELLA, COACHELLA, COACHELLA," today. But when Buzzfeed posted this picture of JB, it could not be ignored. When I see something that gives me the WHAT THE MF-ING EFF? feelings as much as this does, I really can't just let it go. (If you make a Frozen reference right now, I will eyeball slap you.)

Seriously, this bitch has got to be kidding me right now. He's wearing a chain that every dude I knew in high school bought from a kiosk in the middle of the mall. With an oversized bucket hat. But the real clincher are those shorts (???). Those pieces of shit look like something that that guy with the 132 lb ball would be forced to wear. (RIP, sir.)

via realitytvgifs

Biebs is seriously sending me to a (slightly) early retirement home facility with his nonsense. Send me lots of Werther's and hand-made doilies, mofos.



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Leonardo DiCaprio Went To Coachella, Was Awkward.

I love seeing celebrities dancing in the wild. They're just like us! We all like doing semi-karate kicks in huge crowds while half-dancing to MGMT, so don't play. Leo's just a regular dude, wearing a newsboy hat (that effing thing), crunking it up in the desert. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, WORLD.

P.S. I can't wait until I'm rich (beyotch) and I can rent-to-own a helicopter and fill it full of newsboy hats, then fly over LD's house and dump them all over it. It's important to have dreams and goals.

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Nick Carter Gets Married, Looks...Different.

pic via intouch

Apparently Nick Carter (of Backstreet Boys, you animal!) married this person yesterday. Is that what they wore to their wedding? Or was this some kind of paid-after-wedding-club-appearance? Oh, who gives a shit. We've got bigger fish to fry...Like Nicky's face happenings.

Listen, we're all getting to be old mofos. NC and I are about the same age, so I feel you, dude. But it's not even that he's looking decrepit in the mug, so much, just different. Like Ryan Seacrest and an attractive, yet hairless, cartoon wolverine had a baby.

Also, what kind of insane in the membrane bitch am I that I'm really irritated by the cake? The "Nick" should be on the black part and the "Lauren" should be on the pink, and they should be standing on their respective sides. GET YOUR DAMN LIVES TOGETHER. Unless...it shouldn't? I fancy myself a progressive person. Do whatever, Backstreet Boys alums. I can't be bothered.



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