Drunk Blogging: Let's Talk About Our T-Gives Weekend

I discovered something about myself this weekend, that I've been suspecting about myself for a time -- I'm a semi f*cking hermit. I like to post myself up in my house and do things like binge-watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 and read a sh*t ton of books. This isn't just me trying to be Little Edie-esque. I don't like raccoons that much.

please go watch grey gardens, if you've yet to do so.

I'm apparently kind of a loner. I'm really only telling you this because I've been drinking a little. I have/had friends, and I occasionally have people invite me to do sh*t with them, but I usually don't follow through. I don't even know why. I like hanging out with people for the most part, but sometimes I like books/Lifetime Movie Network/Discovery ID better. Does that make me a horrible person? Needless to say, I spent most of the times that encompass Thanksgiving weekend (so far) reading and watching TV.

via reality tv gifs

I'm not really sure if I'm a sad ass human specimen or kind of semi-normal. Now I'm just getting weird and esoteric. You guys tell me about your Thanksgiving times. I feel awkward.

Currently listening to:







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25 Things I Would Rather Do Than Partake In Black Friday

I just can't with Black Friday, you guys. Maybe it's because I've worked a lot of them. Maybe it's because I have internet access, a couch and zero effs to give. All I know is that THIS is not on my agenda in life.



I can't believe that no one scooped up that Sponge Bob onsie, yet.

So instead for being involved in that anarchy, I'm here, telling you the 25 things I would gladly do rather than be inside a retail establishment today.

1. Abstain from petting and/or looking at pictures of puppies all day.



2. Watch a Two And A Half Men marathon.
3. Not eat bacon.
4. Get a tight, tight spiral perm.

5. Re-paint an apartment that I'm vacating.
6. Diligently shop online for a 1987 Cathy Calendar. Ack, all the way around.

7. Touch a possum's (opossum if you're fancy) tail.
8.  Go on a "date" with Dustin Diamond.

9. Return something to Ikea.
10. Eat a sh*tload of canned English peas.
11. Listen to Michael Bolton's "When a Man Loves a Women" on repeat.

12. Figure out what the eff that jelly sh*t is inside a fruit cake.
13. Read Yahoo Answers...answers.

14. Perfect the dark brown lip liner/frosted white lipstick combo look.
15. Have Glamour Shots taken with Richard Simmons.
16. Hang on a Teeters Hang Ups.
17. Hit up the Golden Corral chocolate fountain with Tonya Harding.

18. Put together an intricate, to-scale model of one of Beyoncé's summer homes.
19. Get into a twitter war with Tara Reid.
20. Make an ass ton of non-alcoholic Jello Jigglers.

21. Hang out at a Chess King with Stefan Urquelle.
22. Decorate oversized Hane's t-shirts with puffy-painted squiggly lines.
23. Churn butter.
24. Watch middle schoolers' YouTube videos.
25. This:

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Jennifer Love Hewitt Had Her Baby, Named It Something Not Really Annoying, And Kept A Secret. (Hold For Applause)

pic via usweekly

I'm pretty f*cking proud of the Hews, man. Not only did she just pop out that baby child (which is apparently a girl type) yesterday, but she also had a SECRET WEDDING (which, let's be honest, are the only fun kind) AND DIDN'T EFFING TALK ABOUT IT.

This might not sound like a big deal for the average human being, but we're talking about Jennifer Love Hewitt, here. Homegirl can't NOT talk everything that happens to her every damn hot second, so this is insanely huge for her. Plus, I haven't heard about the bedazzled status of her lady loins, so I guess we're on an upswing.

JLH also named her kid Autumn James, which is actually not a horrific name. Because let's be honest, these are some terrible baby naming times happening right now on this planet. From the time that I read this article on BuzzFeed a few weeks ago, crazy baby names have been haunting my brain waves, and it's all due to this picture:

While I'm sure you might think that Nayvie is super adorable while your child wears bows on their head that are bigger than Lichtenstein and glitter tutus, Nayvie is not the name of an adult person that's a tort law attorney. Or a bank teller. Or a pharmacy technician. Or just a 53 year old human. C'mon humanity, let's get it together for the future office workers (or even unemployed people, I don't give an eff) of 2045.

Bottom line? Congrats, J Love. You behaved like an adult with a semi-plan! So...

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If You Only Watch One Internet Video This Week, Make It This One - Seth Rogen And James Franco Recreate That "Bound 2" Kimye Vid

Warning: There's an eff in this, and lots of squinching and man racks. In other words, it's perfect.



This sh*t is absolutely flawless, and I won't eff it up with too much commentary.

You win, boys. You win.





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8 Times The AMAs Made Me Realize I'm Too Effing Old For Pop Culture

I don't know if you guys peeped the scene of the American Music Awards last night, but I did, and I noticed that something f*cking terrible happened. No, not Pitbull's boring ass, dry toast hosting skills. I'm talking about the realization that I'm getting friggin' old. These are the moments of clarity that lead me to this sad sack conclusion. (I'm sure I have very few moments of clarity before my mind starts to go, so let's cherish this time together.)

 #1 -- I was all, "Damn, Fall Out Boy got old, " then realized that some of them are younger than my ass. I need to check Craig's List for a hyperbaric chamber.

#2 -- This One Direction dude's hair. No really, what the eff is happening on this guy's head? Insanity, or I'm just elderly, that's what.

#3 -- Man tunics. Jesus, take the wheel.

#4 --WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE?

My eyeballs have never rested upon any of these humans before, and it might be time for me to retire.

#5 -- Rihanna was wearing the same accessory sh*t that I was wearing in 1997. Shout out to Contempo Casuals.

#6 -- Lady Gaga's performance only made me feel like I was watching "Trapped In The Closet, Part 374: Politico Edition."

#7 -- I totally related to OG members of TLC. My knees and back are struggling now, too, y'all. Poor T-Boz and Chili's dancing consisted mostly of glorified walking with some light hand clapping. My suggestion? Get rid of Lil' Mama and bring in Betty White in Left Eye's place. You guys will look young and flexible as hell.

#8 -- My favorite performer of the night was a CGI cat crying diamond tears into a spider web. And for the record, I totally would have scooped up that two-piece leotard if I made a cat dancing workout video in 1992.

P.S. If flared(ish) capri pants are making a comeback, I'm not sure I can be of this planet anymore.

via ny daily news

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Get Yo' Fiery Eyes On With This "Catching Fire" Inspired Makeup Tutorial

If you feel like getting them eyeballs to "Catch Fire," watch the Hunger Games-inspired tutorial below.






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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Miley's Thirsty Ass Eyebrow Situation

Listen, I know that my slacking ass hasn't had a GOTD in roughly 3948753487 days, but times are tough, and whatnot. But after peeping the scene that is Mi Cy's current brow landscape, I couldn't let that sh*t slide.

via lily allen's ig

I don't really quite understand exactly WHAT IS HAPPENING where her eyebrows should be, but I do know that these are dire and desperate moments in brow history.

It looks to be a supreme bleach job, but I'm really hoping against all hopes that is all some kind of makeup tom foolery. Miley, I know that you are expressing your expression-y expressions of being young, wild and free, but SONOFAB*TCH, think of the children ('s eyeballs that have to see your eyebrow insanity). If this starts to become a thing, I will lose my mf-ing mind, and apparently my brow area.

I know you're just being Miley, but this thoroughly confusing eyebrow conundrum of epic proportions has earned your place as GUUUUUURL of the Day.

P.S. If Brit Brit is throwing you eyebrow shade, you know that that ish is out of control.





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