True Blood Musings: One Flew Over the Vampire's Nest

Happy Wedding day? Funeral day? I don't know what the f*ck is happening. Let's all find out together after the jump.


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If I Were an Octopus, These Are the 8 Beauty Products I'd Hold All the Time

There are a million beauty products out there, and I feel like I've tried at least 78% of them. And don't get me wrong, I love a lot of products, but these are my mandatory must-haves. I LOVE THESE BABY MOTHERS. I NEVER LET THEM GO.

#1 -- True Red Lipstick
 

kat von d everlasting love liquid lipstick in outlaw, $19 (sephora)

Please believe my ass when I tell you this -- nothing will take your facial area from "meh" to "cha-ching" like an amazing red lipstick. NOTHING. And this beaut is my hands-down ride or die b*tch. It stays on like a mofo, and it's matte. Which means, if you want it to be not-so-matte, you just put a creamy red lipstick over, and then IT STAYS AND ISN'T FLAT. Say somthin' now. 

#2 -- Eyeshadow Primer

urban decay eyeshadow primer potion, $20

Sometimes I feel like it's possible that I might die with the good word of UD's Primer Potion on my lips. Like, that's how f*cking much I talk about this stuff. But I literally could not wear a friggin' dot of eye makeup without it, so I press on. If you are oily, or have any issue with your eye makeup fading or shifting, and you don't use this sh*t, then I can't even with you anymore. GET THIS.

#3 -- Beige-y Blonde Brow Pencil for Any Hair Color

maybelline expert eyes twin brow & eye pencils in blonde, $2.39 (drugstore.com)

 Lemme tell you a little something about brow pencils, mmmkay? I don't give two effs what color your hair is, you need to use a blonde/ashy-colored brow pencil. Use the pencil to shape your brow, then fill it in with a brow powder (or even an eyeshadow, I don't give a damn) that somewhat matches your hair color. PLEASE don't use a black brow pencil because you have black hair. TRUST ME, I'VE BEEN THERE, GOT THE HORRIFIC PICTURES TO PROVE IT. DON'T MAKE ME SHOW YOU. Your face (and all the eyeballs of the world) will thank you.

#4 -- Gel/Cream Waterproof Eyeliner 

sephora waterproof smoky cream liner in matte black, $12

On the real, HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT THIS SH*T for the lower lash waterline and in-between upper lashes? Short answer: I effing don't. I apply this with a thin eyeliner brush by wiggling it between my eyelashes, and it makes them look roughly 4095830% fuller. This is one of those makeup steps that if I skip it, people are all, "Why do you look so tired?" And I'm like, "Eff you," then I go put it on, because those dicks are right. Plus, it's the only thing that I've ever used that stays on my waterline. You can pry it from my cold, dead hands. P.S. If you do that, I will haunt you. And it won't be the old man from the amusement park, either.

#5 -- Body Oil

spectrum organic unrefined coconut oil, $9.99 (the vitamin shoppe)

I'm just not that into body lotion, you guys. It makes my ass (and arms and back and legs) feel filmy, and homie don't play that.

I like to use coconut oil, because it has one billion uses, so you super get your money's worth. But I also mix it with body lotion if I'm into that crap that day. (I'm a fickle b*tch.) I'm also not exclusive with coconut oil, either. (SLUT!) I'll really use any body oil that doesn't smell like babies. Even babies don't want to smell like babies.

#6 -- Gradual Tan Body Lotion

jergens glow foaming daily moisturizer in medium to tan, $8.69 (target)

I have a weird thing with being tan/being not tan. I really love pale skin, and I hate the sun (save for the whole "that b keeps us alive" thing), but sometimes I like tans on my legs, but not on my face.



And this ish is my boss b*tch for a few reasons -- it's not lotion-y (see above) or heavy, it dries fast, and you can control your level of bronze to a non-crazy level. (GET OUT OF HERE, CHRISTINA AGUILERA!) Oh, and it's like $10. GET ON MY SKIN.

#7 -- Black Liquid Liner

vs makeup graphic liner pen, $14 (victoria's secret)

What are your feelings on liquid eyeliner? Are you scared of that sh*t? Because your ass shouldn't be. I wear liquid liner pretty much every day, and that doesn't mean I'm Amy Winehouse-ing the hell out of myself on the reg. You can use it just like you would a pencil liner, including smudging it up before it dries. It's just bolder and lasts longer on my oily mess of a face. My favorite type is a fine felt-tipped pen like the VS one above that I'm currently using. It's waaay easier to control than one of those brush deals, and much better for lazies than that bullsh*t you have to dip in a well like you're penning a friggin' letter to Ponce de Leon in the 15th century.

#8 -- (Fullish) Powder Foundation

mac studio fix powder plus foundation, $27

 Hey, have you guys heard the sh*tty word that I'm oily as f*ck? Oh, yeah, I think I've mentioned it.

 

Ryan Gosling -- making eye rolling adorable since 1980. (Yes, I googled his birthday. Get off me.) Anyway, due to this extreme oily situation, I oftentimes need to use a powdered foundation for a couple of reasons. I initially use it as a primer, as in after moisturizer and before liquid foundation, just to set up a barrier between the oil factory that are my pores and more liquid particles. I also carry this boo thang in my purse for touch ups, because it's a little more substantial than some thin and flimsy powder. I've used it for years on years on years, and it's on my dream team.

Well, I'm fresh out of legs. (Tentacles? Testicles? All of the above?) What would your asses hold if you were an octopus? Oh, and let's get real. If I really were an octopus, this would totally be me.

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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, it's all about the muzzzaaak and the makeup in a little ditty that I like to call "Makeup Looks Inspired By Your Favorite Summer Jams." Check that ish out here.

Plus, ROBOTS.




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True Blood Musings: Vampire Brides

It's 'bout to be a GIRL FIGHT! This week, Blah-ll continues to annoy and bore the masses. Let's talk about how much we hate his ass after the jump.

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(Not So) Breaking News: Donnie Wahlberg Turns Out to Be "The Hot One"

Okay, so I meant to post this sh*t a bunch of days ago, but blah, blah, blah, who cares.

via Donnie Dub's Twitter

I was always a Jordan girl back in the day, but my ass sure isn't afraid to switch teams, because Donnie Dubs is looking real fooooine.

These Wahlberg dudes know know to get that booty work right, don't they?

 

Nice...watch, Mark. I'm pretty sure that this is the hottest elastic-waisted tan shorts can look.

Congratulations on your hotness, Wahlbergs.




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I Can't Wait to See This Sh*t: American Hustle Trailer

So, this movie is the reason that the balls of our eyes were treated to Bradley Cooper looking like this. It's also why we saw Christian Bale looking like a true beautiful vision, here:

Calm your nethers, ladies, that ascot is not real life. Plus, there's a lot more sexual glamor where this came from, because American Hustle takes place in the polyester playground of the 70's. Let's watch.



The awkwardness of Amy Adams of doing that ass shake walk ALONE is reason enough to want to watch this sh*t. Not to mention my girl J Law is looking like a disco-y, slutty, earring model. AND Bradley Cooper has been permed within and effin' inch of his life. SOLD.

Are you guys into this? Or am I the lone wolf watching the sex storm?



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Deal O' The Day: Me & The Girls Beneficial Organic Beauty

I recently made a little demo video for the Bar Beleza from me & the girls, who also make my favorite lip treatment.



It's a pretty badass multi-use facial bar, and would be friggin' perfect for those of you who are low maintenance, normal to dry, or love natural products. Here are the ingredients, which are also 99% organic:

Theobroma Grandiflorum (Cupuacu Seed Butter)*, Theobroma Cacao (Cocoa Butter)*, Calophyllum Inophyllum (Tamanu Oil)*, Organic Cocos Nucifera (Virgin Coconut Oil)*, Vitamin E - Tocopherol

You can normally snatch this mofo up for $40.

BUT TODAY ONLY (I'm pretending I'm in a local car commercial. Just let my ass.) you can use the coupon code JULY50 to get A 50% DISCOUNT. ON EFFIN ANYTHING. So go save that money, honey.

TODAY ONLY. TODAY. TODA. TOD. TO. T. Okay, I'm done. And I ran out of letters.





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