No Doy of the Day: Joe Manganiello is Hot and Muscle-y

Have you mofos noticed an upswing in my True Blood-related posting? I'm gearing up for that sh*t, because, once again, I'll be doing my (totally not) infamous TB recaps. And in that vein (heh), here's Joe Manganiello (whose name I have to google EVERY EFFING TIME for spelling), from the UK edition of Men's Health. Apparently, America is not ready for that jelly.

Well, maybe we aren't. Let's look some more, just for science, and stuff.

Errrm, nope. Not ready.

It certainly is, sir. 'Merica.



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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I delve into ways to Graduate Your Beauty Look. Go check it out and stop boring the sh*t out of yourself when you look in the mirror.



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Quick Sh*t: Bradley Cooper's Hair is Trying to Copy Gwen Stefani

Remember when Gwen Stefani had this hair?

And this?

And this?

Now, Bradley Cooper is trying to make this happen:

via buzzfeed

Nope. America as a whole rejects this idea, BC. I asked every single human person. No, I didn't, but I know that they agree.

Hair -- you're doing it wrong, Bradley Cooper.



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Cures for the Long Weekend Beauty Hangover

I hope you mofos had an amazing ass long weekend, if you had one of those. If you didn't, then sorry for bringing that sh*t up. What a b. I had to work, then I balled out by visiting my Gam Gam, and I also watched a b-hole-load of Arrested Development while doing a lot of this:

So, I wilded the eff out. (No, I didn't.) If you did, in fact, get crunk this weekend, you are probably recovering in some way or another from some kind of unfortunate decision-making that you partook in. But don't worry your sweet ass about anything. I've got your (beauty) solutions covered. Anything else, you might want to have a doctor look at that mess.

Awkward Tan Lines

 
I'm sure a ton of your asses were all laid up on the beach/pool/side of the road/back yard this weekend, soaking up that first bit of summer. Number one: WEAR YOUR SUNSCREEN, B's. Looking raggedy in your 20's is not a good look. But it's possible that you got a little careless and missed a couple of applications. You're a human; it happens. (I'm sure mai tai consumption had ZERO things to do with that.) Unfortunately, I really have a severe anti-boner over weird tan lines. It just makes me imagine people wearing this nonsense on a beach, and livin' it up, Ja Rule style.

That is just awkward as sh*t for everyone in your workplace. There's an easy solution for this problem, though. The best thing to do is to take one of those small foam paintbrushes, or a makeup sponge, and paint on a coat or two of self tanner to those tan lines. It will help blur them, at least, if not blend them away completely. Please, I beg of you, don't wear a weird tube top with weird tan lines. Unless you star in some tan line fetish, um, material. In that case, carry the eff on. Get money.

Hamburglar Under Eye Circles

i stole this from an ANGELFIRE page. can't you tell???

Aren't dark ass under eye circles the balls, you guys? No one wants to look like a friggin' corpse bride in this b*tch. And they can be RIDICULOUS to cover. But there is a little trick to covering those a-holes on your face. You have to use a yellow-y concealer to cover anything with a blue undertone, like dark circles. I did makeup in a medi spa for a hot minute, and I had to cover stuff like bruises from Botox and fillers. The best bet was to use the super yellow-toned concealer, and pat it on the bruises, which is essentially what dark circles are. Blend well and cover with a powder that matched your actual skin tone. You'll totally unzombify yourself. It works.

Fried, Insane Hair

Sometimes in life, your hair looks almost like this. Whether it is sun damaged, over-hairsprayed from long nights out, or heat damaged. The easiest and cheapest cure for this is an oil treatment, and I'm not talking V05. I love a good coconut oil hair treatment, but you can also use olive oil if you happen to have it. Rub some between your palms, and apply it to dry hair until it's pretty saturated all over. Leave it on for at least 30 minutes, and then shampoo really well and LIGHTLY condition. Your frizzed out mess will be waaaay more moisturized and manageable. Then you are free to go cook some eggs or some sh*t with the rest of the oil. Don't forget bacon.

No matter what kind of beauty damage you did to yourself this weekend, you can be sure of one thing -- it wasn't as bad as this.



"Whoooot's goin' on?" Chillin', chillin'. Rollin' with the homies. Welcome back to the real world, b*tches.

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Quick Sh*t: This Picture Just Made My Life

via r simms facebook

I love this picture so much that I can't even handle it. We've got my fashion idol, Richard Simmons, Sookie, and stupid-faced Bill all in one picture. My heart wants to explode with love and disdain. Richard's life has totally been made by this ish for some reason -- look at his face. And Sookie and Bill are looking smug as eff; like they can't wait to laugh about this mess on the ride back to their vampire mansion. Rude. But I think that Richie got mixed up on the premiere date for that HBO Liberace movie and made that hot ass vest from his guest bedroom duvet on the fly. Or like he's taken a part time job as a wedding dress consultant, in hopes that he can be on next season's Say Yes to the Dress. (Don't listen to me. I'm just jealous that I didn't think of those ideas.)

I can die happy (Heh, right.) now. Okay, bye.





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I've Been Making It Rain With the Shamps (and Conditioner).

I'm weirdly picky when it comes to shampoo and conditioner combos. I know, shocking, considering I don't give an eff about anything. So I currently have an unusual situation happening. I was sent samples of three different shampoo and conditioner deals, from three different brands, AND I LOVE ALL OF THOSE B'S. I couldn't even pick one that I was feeling the most, so eff it, I'll talk about all three, BECAUSE THIS IS MY BLOG AND I DO WHAT I WANT.

Yep, it's like that. And you know what else it's like?

This. Because if you aren't into Jackee Harry and Dolly Parton shaking their sh*t in insane space-y garb, I can't even with your ass. Now let's get to business.

Eufora Beautifying Exilirs Bodifying Shampoo & Conditioner

Smells Like -- citrus-y, fresh stuff. (I'm the worst at describing smells. Good. It smells good.)

Yeah, Science! -- These Eufora products contain the Vibrant Color Complex, which you can read about by clicking, because, science. Plus, the  entire line of nine products is "based in an ALL Plant Essence of Sage and Thyme and contains ZERO water or fillers. In addition, Beautifying Elixirs does not contain: Artificial Aromas, Colorants, Sulfates, Parabens, Gluten, Mineral Oil, Petrolatum, Propylene Glycol, Sodium Chloride, Phthalates, Formaldehyde." Okay, so it smells herb-like. But not gross herbs. I promise!

Why I Love This Ish -- My hair is really fine, so it makes my hair way more voluminous. The conditioner is really lightweight, but moisturizing, which is a major feat. This combo is seriously s'mores-levels of amazingness. It has turned a tiny part of my coal heart into a diamond.

Price -- Get these badass b's for $28.50 for the shampoo and $29.99 for the conditioner. Click here to find out more about the products and find a salon near you that sells it.

Evolution Keratin Moisturizing Shampoo & Conditioner

Smells Like -- sexy, perfume-ish fragrance. Like a Pantene/Biolage hybrid, so obviously, delish.

Yeah, Science! -- These puppies are made for hair that has had a keratin treatment, so they're gentle and moisturizing, and great for color-treated hair. They contain that good good like Argan oil and vitamin E, and don't have the bad bad like sulfates and sodium chloride.

Why I Love This Ish -- This stuff just feels sumptuous, like a spa day that takes place on a rose petal. My hair always feels soft and hydrated after using these mofos. Silky haired vixen, party of one. (Or more, if you b's are coming. BYOW.)

Price -- $25 for the pair. To purchase, click here, and click here to find out more about these babies.

Van Thomas Concepts Christine Shampoo & Reconstruct Conditioner

Smells Like -- a Sweet Tart, real talk. Dammit, I'm hungry.

Yeah, Science! -- These homies have something called The Life Complex (sounds sexy) which is made up of keratin, silk proteins, and jojoba oil, and helps replenish nutrients in your hair. It's what TLC named themselves after. (No. No, it isn't.)

Why I Love This Ish -- The combination of these two is pretty damn flawless. The shampoo is really cleansing, then that beast of a Reconstruct conditioner just makes my hair feel healthy, man. Plus, the packaging says cute ish like "This package includes: a new and improved head of hair. Note: not a new and improved you. You already rock." Cue the "AWWWWW" soundtrack!

Price -- You can get the duo for $45, or the shampoo for $18 and the conditioner for $32. Click here to chigity check it.
With all this clean and condition talk, I think I need to go get down on some of these prods. My hair is dirtier than an actual MOP mop right now.

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Demi Moore's Boyfriend Has a Pearl Ween.

And I'm not talking about tampons, here, people. This surprised-caveman-looking homeboy is apparently Demi Moore's boyfriend, Will Hanigan. It is not a remake of Brendan Frasier's Caveman, sadly. This is real life.

According to the NY Daily News, dude has a pearl in his wee wee parts because he's a pearl diver, or something:

“He had a pearl inserted in his penis when he was in his late teens,” said a source. “It is pearl farming tradition and he would always joke about it in Australia. He’d boast it’d give girls extra stimulation in the bedroom.”

Can I be real for a minute? I don't even know what the eff that means. I first thought they meant in the hole, but that doesn't even make sense. So like a piercing thing? Who wants to have a weiner o'pearls?

Yep. Totally this dude. I think I can see his pearl in this picture. 

 Not today, pearl pants, not today.




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