Who the Eff is This Person?

via lana's instagram

Seriously, would you have EVER guessed that this person above is Lana del Rey? I would have sworn it was either Heidi Montag or a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader engaged in a quick glamour shots sesh. Maybe it's the fact that she's smiling, too. I don't think I have ever seen homegirl's teeth. She could have a grill for all I know, and be in the St. Lunatics. I don't really know her life like that.

I highly recommend following celebrities on instagram, because they can't help themselves from posting completely insane nonsense every ten minutes. It's not your Angelfire web diary set to private, people. I can see your ass. Speaking of, if you would like to follow the likes of my boringness on instagram, you can follow me at instagram.com/lilshan and see such nation treasures as this.

Did you guys notice that I like to keep my phone charge in the high ninetieth percentile? That's how I roll in this mother effer. (Or no one ever texts/calls/emails me. It's whatevs.)

P.S. Sorry for being so sh*tty about posting lately. I've been working my literal a-hole off (it fell off) at my retail job for the holidays. I've also got some other personal ish going on, which I may/may not ever talk about. But I'll try to be a lot less sh*tty. (Keyword: TRY.)



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And on the Eve of Jesus' Birthday, I Present to You: Codependent by the Gold Diggin Divas

No matter your religious beliefs/non beliefs, today I am presenting you with the world's worst present. These are the lovely Gold Diggin Divas, and this is their international hit, "Codependent." Listen to me with your now insulted ears. There are several issues with this mess. Number one, you can't just take a very popular rap song, change a couple of letters, and call it your own. Number two, you girls can get a library card for free (no black card needed) and hit up the dictionary section, because I don't think you know what codependent means. From WebMD (those b's know it all):

“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. It’s kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn’t sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that’s what it is. It means you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone else who’s not.”

Yep, not at all what you are "rapping" about. It's kind of the opposite of your intentions. Oh sh*t, today must be opposite day, you guys. It's been a hot minute for me, so I guess I was just rusty on the rules of OD. Now, I'm off to get my cootie shot.

 ENJOY.

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Random Homie: Essie Recessionista Nail Polish

Essie Recessionista, $8

I was initially torn on making this b a RH, you guys. I've had this polish for a hot ass minute (I think I got it in the Allure Best of Beauty SWAG), but I never used it. It has just kind of given me a big ol' case of the "Meh"s in the bottle. But I read an article somewhere recently (my brain doesn't retain real facts) where some hoity toity fashion-y/beauty person was all, "Essie Recessionista is my jam of all jams." Okay, they were probably more like, "I really enjoy the plummy undertones of Recessionista," but you get my point. Either way, it motivated my lazy ass to actually try the polish, instead of just judging the sh*t out of it from afar.

I'm a thorough b face. Recessionista in THREE kinds of lighting.

Okay, okay. So color my ass wrong. It's effin' nice, right? It really doesn't look old lady-ish (That's just my old lady hands, shut up!) It's a deep red, with a slight purplish touch, but not ass deep as Essie Wicked or OPI Lincoln Park After Dark. Bottom line -- into it, and totally Random Homie worthy.

Pick Recessionista up for yourself at local drugstores/Targets/what have you, or here.



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This Is in My Head 99.9999% of the Day.

Why, oh why, can't I know someone named Patrice?



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Just in Case You Feel Like Judging the Sh*t Out of Someone, This is What I Did Today.

Yep. This is real life.

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Random Homie: Violent Eyes

Do you ever just want to look like a badass b in, like, 2 minutes? Then, sister friend, do I EVER have the product for your ass. This is also for those people that are all, "I CAN'T DO A DAMN CAT EYE, MOFO. MY DRAWING SKILLS DON'T SWING THAT WAY." (They talk in all caps, because they're mad that they can't look cool.)

Violent Eyes in Violet Glitterati, $9.99 for set

Meet Violent Eyes, from the makers of Violent Lips, those crazy ass/awesome temporary lip tattoos. There are a bunch of different color variations, from black glitter to Union Jack, for premiere night of Downton Abbey. (Obviously. Dowager Countess would totally approve.) They are really easy to apply. You just need a wet cotton swab (sounds kinky) to get these puppies to stick. It really takes just a couple of minutes from start to finish. And if you are applying these to your baby (totally not approved), you can trim the inner part to fit your eye.

I chose the most Amy Winehouse-ish shape (RIP, boo!) to try. Isn't this ish grand? And removal was really easy. I first tried to kind of pick at it, to see what kind of staying power they would have. Yeah, that didn't work. They didn't budge. So I took another cotton swab, and put olive oil on it, and rubbed it over the area. I could then pull it right off. If you are a fancy ass fancy person, you could also use an oil-based makeup remover. But we don't use that mess around these parts, ya' hear? I am totally co-signing on these beasts. They make me feel fancy as hell.

via nuncasabemejor

On that note, I bid you "Good day!" sir. Go check out your endless possibilities for a fancy eyeball feast here.



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In I'll Be Your Agent News: A List of Appearance Gigs for Lindsay Lohan

As many of you b's may have heard, TMZ reported (then unreported) yesterday that emails from a talent agency were circulating saying that Lindsay Lohan was available for hire to do appearances at events such as weddings and barmitzvahs. So even though it turns out that this mess probably isn't true, it prompted me to think of what the best use of Lilo's appearance talents might be. I now present to you -- the top five new appearance gigs for Lindsay Lohan.

My Super Sweet 16 on MTV. Okay, so this show hasn't been on for a hot ass minute. But she could ride in on a Mardi Gras float in a showgirl outfit or something. Effin' perfection. How am I not an agent?

Grocery Store Grand Openings. There's probably free food and wine samples at these sh*ts, Linds. And they'd probably let you use those badass giant scissors. I would do that crap for free.

Cat Adoption Drives. Homeslice can help the community and cute animals. Maybe boo needs a little furry love in her own life, too. (Not in a dirty way, creeps.) Maybe you and Ali can go halfsies on the kitty litter, or something.

Breakdancing Competitions. There are a ton of a-hem "interesting" dudes (and ladies -- remember that?) at these things, I'm sure. And they've got so sweet, sweet moves. You bring the cardboard, they'll bring the funk, yo.

Netflix Kiosk Openings. Okay, it's not as glamorous as a REAL movie premiere, but $1 rentals are pretty affordable. And you can always pop into CVS afterward and score some designer imposter body splash. Win win!

 But on the real, Lilo, I love your ass just the way you are. Never change.

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