Let's Play the 'I'm Trash' Highlights for Adults

You guys remember Highlights Magazine, right? It was at your Dr.'s office and crap when you were a kid, waiting to get your tetanus shot or whatever your pediatric deal was. You had to find a pair of scissors in a picture of an owl's nest or some mess. You were supposed to locate the stuff that didn't belong. That was the point. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you should get a subscription. That ish was the bomb. (Yep, it's '97 all over again.)

So let's play a little Highlights. Pick out all of the things in this picture that prove that I am a trash bag. I won't even make you flip to another page for the answers!

1. I have weave tracks falling out of my head. (A least it's not real REAL hair. Silver lining!)
2. As you can tell by my steering wheel, I am both an unsafe driver and a dirty b, because I put my makeup on in the car. (And obvs smear junk all over the car.)
3. I often have black crap on my fingers because I use them as a cosmetic brush.
4. It's hard to tell in this picture, but all of my nails BUT my thumb nail are painted.
5. If this were a scratch-and-sniff photo, you would know that my makeup brushes kind of smell like McDonald's french fries. I haven't been to a McDonald's in years.

Wow, wasn't that nostalgic and fun??? I am an equal opportunity b. I hate myself as much as everyone else, so it evens out...

What makes you guys trash? Or are you way to classy to answer that question?



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J Love Needs Better Friends

How much do you love (no pun intended) this pic, BT-dubs? Poor Jennifer Love Hewitt. I really feel for this b. I was reading this article over at X17 in which she talks about how she has a big crush on Adam Levine, and how he hasn't reached out to her to even thank her for airing said crush. And also how she @ tweeted Joe Jonas and told him to have a Happy Easter and to watch her show. What the what?

Giiiirl, do you not have any friends? You have been suffering from a case of the 'try too hards' for years now, J Love. You seem to be a very nice girl, but it's WAY. TOO. MUCH. The constantly talking about who you like, the vajazzling thing...Please stop. You are almost entering Courtney Stodden levels of attention-demanding stunts. I just can't with you anymore.

I want to make you a nice pot of chamomile tea, and have a little sit down like we're starring in a Summer's Eve commercial. "It's time to stop with this nonsense, honey." I'll say while I pat your hand. "Remember those pictures of you in the bikini playing tennis?" I'll gently remind her, while I pull out this picture, marked 'Exhibit 1B'.

"No one wears espadrilles while playing sports. Not even an OC Housewive." Then I'll hand her a guest Snuggie and we will watch The Client List (OG tv movie, not the show) together.

Call me, J Love.

Stop tweeting Jonas brothers, please.

Update :
I just found this JLH quote from US Weekly - "I carry McCormick's Pure Vanilla [in my purse] -- the baking kind -- and dab it on my neck... Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, 'You smell amazing!'"

Ugh.

P.S. I'm going to buy vanilla extract. I hate myself.



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Forget About the Foreclosure, What the Eff is Up With Your Eyebrow Game?

Listen, Octomom. You are making a national television appearance. I know that you are down and out right now, but there is not an excuse for those brows paired with not a stitch of eye makeup. And I just can't even start with that shirt.

Let's see with RHOA's Dwight has to say:

 

That b's word is final.

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I Finally Found Something to Sop Up This Oily A** Mess!

Have I mentioned that I'm oily? Okay, I always harp on this ish. I have real problems, y'all. ISSUES. I have to wash my hair daily. Even if I try to do a 'bun day' with dirty hair, it's not happening. It looks like I put surfboard wax or some mess in my hair. It's pretty effin' gross. In an effort to not wash my hair errr day, I have tried a plethora of dry shampoos. They usually suck.

Having dark hair, it's kind of hard to find a great dry shampoo that doesn't make you look like you are trying to look like an English judge in a powdered wig. (Which is pretty sexual, Bee Tee Dubs.) I've found that most of the time, spray dry shampoos do nothing on my hair, and powders make me look insane.

So I had not high hopes for my latest conquest:

This is No Drought by Lush. It costs about $13. If you aren't familiar with this place, it's that store in the mall that has a bunch of soaps in it, and you can smell a mile away. Stronger than Auntie Anne's Pretzels. Ish is strong.

And here's what it looks like out of the package:

To apply it, you can either squirt the mess directly in your hair, or squirt it on your hand and rub through your hair. It's messy as hell, I'm not going to lie. But it's just as cray if you use baby powder or whatever. Unlike baby powder, it doesn't smell like a baby's butt. It smells like lemons. (Which I prefer to diaper scent, personally.) And unlike baby powder, I don't find it to make it look like I have gray hair, as long as I brush my hair out.

With the assistance of this stuff, I can actually, on occasion, wear my hair down the day after shampoo. A couple of times I have even gone THREE DAYS. (Hair up, natch.) Call the Vatican, I'm pretty sure that qualifies for a miracle.

I'm into it.  (Duh.) Let me know if you guys have a favorite dry shamps that I don't even know about. Sharing is caring! I won't ask you b's how long you go without washing your hair, because I wouldn't drop dead with jealousy of your dirtiness. LAZINESS 4 EVA!

You still got it, Marky Mark.



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She's Baaaack

Pic via US Weekly

Lindsay Lohan left LA court today as a free woman. B's off probation! Pop bottles (please don't)!

I will say a quick "Thank you Jesus" to the fact that honey boo boo chile went back to being a ginge. I don't know what is happening so much with her facial sitch, but it (kinda?) looks good. She looks somewhat Leann Rimes-ish. But those toofs are looking good, and her skin looks like a human (and not an 80 year old one). But that pantsuit? Katie Couric, you are not. Even Ann Curry would throw you a hardcore side eye on that choice. And going up a size wouldn't kill you, kiddo.

Keep it together, Lindz.

Put one of these over your bed, and stare at it every morning. You'll be a-okay!

P.S. When you're bored (like you are after reading this ish), go to YouTube and search "Ann Curry." There are a bunch of videos of Ann Curry's legs. Why are creepers so creepy?




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Why is 'The Situation' in Rehab?

(Not an actual picture of the Situation)

As you may have heard, America's Sweetheart has entered rehab for unknown reasons. A rep for MTV claims that it is for "rest and recuperation." To which I give a big ol' "b please" served with a heaping side eye. You want to rest? Go to a Sandals resort or some ish. Maybe sit your ass in a velour Lay-Z-Boy for a hot minute.

I'm going to speculate on the real reason that Mike Sorrento (I think that's actually a cheese brand, but I don't feel like googling that mess.)

- He's addicted to pledging his face. (Why is it so shiny? Whyyyy?)

- He's addicted to forcing girls to wear his lounge wear as soon as they come to his house from the club, and before he sexes them. (I think that Freud might have an answer to that one.)

- He can't stop getting haircuts that include shapes being shaved into one's head, such as stars and stripes. (Patriotic!)

- He can't get over his obsession/jealousy with his friend, the Unit's (bleh), lustrous hair. (Have you seen it? It's kind of insane.)

- He's truly exhausted from fake working at a t-shirt shop, when in reality he gets paid $100k per episode.

I need to go to rehab over the fact that this dumdum (Sorry, no disrespect, Mr. DumDum.) is driving around in damn Bentleys and ish, while I wonder if Dodge has discontinued the Neon for my next car. 

P.S. If homeboy really needs to go to rehab, I'm proud of that b for going. But stop sending out press releases and just go!

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I Don't...Understand...This...

I found myself staring at this InStyle cover yesterday in the grocery store, unable to move. This ish has me perplexed. WHAT THE EFF IS THIS PICTURE? Sofia Vergara is one of the hottest b's in the game right now, and InStyle is using this mess on the cover? B looks cray. If someone said, "Hey, what is Latoya Jackson doing on the cover of InStyle?" I would not even question it. And then I would slap them and unfriend them on Facebook, because Toy Toy is an obvious style icon. Duh.

I mean, please. Stop. Playing. B took inspiration from Britney Spears' I'm a Slave 4 U, threw in some woodland fairy and rolled with it. Flawless.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. It is hard to make Sofia Vergara look, ermmm, not so great and InStyle did that here. I also find it somewhat ironic that this is the 'color' issue, and ol' Sofs looks super washed out. Can a sister get a little bronzer?

What do you guys think? Am I right? Or am I the crazy brains around here? (Don't answer that.)



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So You Know You're at a Dr. Suess Movie Premiere, Right?

Well lookie here, butter beans. Zac Efron dropped a gold wrapped condom at The Lorax movie premiere. WHICH IS AN ANIMATED CHILDREN'S MOVIE. I have several thoughts on this:

1. A gold wrapper usually means it is a Magnum size. (Don't pretend you w's don't know what that    means. We're all trash here.) Yeah, no.

2. SOME PEOPLE (ahem, me) think that ol' Zacy poo *allegedly* wanted to use said condom for random hook ups with random hot men that might be attending The Zorax premiere (????).

3. SOME PEOPLE (side eye) think that the only other possibility is that Zac wanted to make balloon animals for orphans attending the movie. (Zac's PR people are feverishly typing excuse emails containing this explanation. You're welcome, b's!)

4. Last possibility: That cold hearted minxy snake Taylor Swift planted that mess in her co-stars pocket. Don't let her new bangs fool you. I see you, Swift.



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Ummm...

Radar Online is reporting that SNOOKI IS PREGNANT. SOMEONE GET MY SMELLING SALTS, I CAN'T STOP KANYE WEST-STYLE CAPS LOCKING!!! I need to go gather my thoughts.


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Light a Candle!

 *Seriously, who marries/has kids with this person?

No, this isn't about the flatlining of  Heidi Klum and Seal's marriage, which totally brings the sadness, BTW. This is SERIOUS! Former Mr. Spears level seriousity! (Yep, not a word. Don't google it.) According to TMZ (They also have a couple pics), Kevin Federline was hospitalized in Australia for signs of a heart attack. Seeing that K Fed looks like he's DEEEEP into his third trimester, this ish isn't THAT surprising. But, dang, b is only 33! Honey Boo Boo, you better get this right. Your kids by your three (!!!) babies' mamas need their diiiiddy! (Don't sue me, real Diddy.)


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In It's About Damn Time News: Kim Richards Edition

Kim Richards of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has entered rehab to get help with her problems with alcohol. I'm glad, this b seems a mess and needs to get back on track. Good luck, Kimmy (not Gibbler)! Just keep rocking that pearl choker, sweetness, and we will all be okay.

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Oh, What a Great Contempo Casuals Catalog Cover From Circa '97

Pic via E Online Twitter

What? This is Scarlet Johansson's current-day Cosmo cover? Oh, well my stars. This is...Not good. That hair is halfway to dreadlock-ville. If b doesn't take an exit to a VO5 Hot Oil Treatment stat, she is in trouble. Is there not a hair shine tool or something on Photoshop?

Maybe I'm just old (shut your w mouth), but Cosmo is the most vapid publication, ever. Every single story is about sex or love. IS THERE NOTHING ELSE? Bleh.

 But on the real, throw on a choker and I would have DIED for this dress in the late nineties. Verdict? Hot.

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Am I the Only One Calling Shenanigans On This?

Here's Ben Affleck walking with his cute little chirruns. (Yes, they make me go "Awwww," but we aren't here to discuss toddlers.) What exactly the eff is going on on this man's head? He looks like a creepy college professor on tenure that hits on all of his freshman students. I also feel like 'Fleck usually has kind of curlyish hair, no? So what is this,exactly? A wig? A Brazilian hair straightening treatment? V05 Hot Oil Treatments and a flat iron?

Or am I cray cray, and I should just be commenting on how cool Violet's specs are?


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Tell Me Your Problems!

If you guys have any questions or problems concerning beauty/fashion/makeup email me at glossanddirt@gmail.com (or even comment below), and let me help you. Help me, help you! (What was that, Jerry Maguire???) Let me be your hero, baby! (Enrique Iglesias...) Okay, I'm done. Pin It

Let's Get This Out of the Way

Lindsay Lohan on WhoSay

This. B*tch. Lilo posted this picture over the weekend accompanied by the following tweet, "Thanks Dr. Dorfman for the zoom... My gums are so sore though!" Ummmm...no. This is what her teeth looked like last week.


Let's all just quit effing playing. Slapping some freaking Crest Whitestrips on your teefs does not wash the crackiness out. Getting your teeth whitened does not make the chips go away. You got veneers, sweetness. I'm over this lying ass! Just tell the truth. Here, I'll write your press release!

"Hey, guys! Lindsay Lohan here. Guess what? I'm so excited! After peddling my ass for Playboy, I took part of that mil and got my teeth fixed. Yep, I got veneers! Don't they look better??? Thanks for your well wishes! I've got to to morgue duty; court ordered. Peace!"

See? What that so hard?

P.S. Nice bowl full o'ciggies in the background of your picture. Pin It

Kim K and Her Husband are Already Hanging it Up!

Pic via Daily Mail

TMZ is reporting that Kim Kardashian and her husband are filing for divorce after 72 days of marriage. Have you even gotten your wedding pictures back at this point? That ish is quick as hell. I didn't have THAT much hope for these two, anyway. I think any time you date/marry someone that has the same name as a family member (not to mention your MOM), crap's not going to work. That mess is creepy.

I also just wanted to post a picture of Kim's costume this year. For having a multi-bajillion dollar empire, this looks low-rent as hell. I mean, shouldn't poor-ass plebeians like us be raiding Michaels and hot gluing plastic leaves to corsets? For shame! (I originally typed "sham." I should have kept the typo. Fitting!)

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