The Britney Spears "Pretty Girls" Music Video Is Here (Oh, and Wiggy Gardenia Is In It, Too)

Okay, so Wiggy Gardenia is actually my dog's stage name. Iggy Azalea is the one on this track, but I think Wiggy would have been a solid choice. Plus, she has a better acting range than Iggs.

We need to get real about this video. Brit Brit's weave situation changes THREE TIMES without so much as one outfit switch. Who in eff's sake was wig wrangling on this set? (My money is on either Jayden James or Daddy Spears.)

P.S. If that shot on the left isn't the cover of a late-'90s porn video, I know nothing about anything. 

I'm actually kind of into the Earth Girls are Easy vibe of the whole thing, but JESUS GOD, what are these speaking parts? No one should be talking in this shit. No one. Not even you, lavender lipstick and earrings/bang deal girl. No one.

But especially not Iggy. Her whole, "I can turteelaaay fux it fur yeeeeew," and also the, "Laht me call yewr fran," made my brain quit this bitch and fall out of my ear hole. I first typed whole, so you know that it's true. She sounds like a German person doing an impression of an Australian person doing a Valley Girl accent.

On a positive note, at least Brit was excited for her alien abduction.

Take me, too, aliens. Take me, too.

Pin It

The Beauty Products I'll Buy Until I Die

For my Allure Insider video this month, I decided to share the beauty products that I won't stop buying. You'll probably recognize a lot of them, but there might be some cats in there that I haven't spouted off about.

Some people on the ol' YouTubes noted that the Allure Insiders logo was covering the number of the amount of times I've purchased each item, so I transcribed it below, if you find yourself curious.

Neutrogena Cleanser: 4
Elta MD Sunscreen: 3
Latisse: 10-ish
Palmer’s Cocoa Butter: 50+
Jergens Foam: 100+ (probably)
St. Tropez: 10-ish
Batiste Dry Shampoo: 3
L’Oreal Mythic Oil Conditioner: 2
EuroNext Extensions: Unknown
MAC Studio Fix: 15 or so
Amazing Cosmetics Concealer: Probably 5
UD Primer Potion: 6-8
Maybelline Brow Pencils: Pshh, 30?
Model in a Bottle: At least 5





Pin It

Drugstore Darlings: Let's Chickity-Check Out NYC Expert Last Lip Color Matte

I love to be a cheap-ass whenever possible. Don't get me wrong, I'll spend that dough when necessary, but I love few things more than finding a pretty bomb drugstore beauty product. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S UNDER TWO FRIGGIN' DOLLARS, MAN.

So, when I got an email about these new NYC Expert Last Lip Color Matte deals, I begged them to send me a few and see what they were all about. BECAUSE I SAID UNDER TWO DOLLARS, YA FREAKS. This is quite exciting.

Quick note -- I apologize right of the bat that my arm swatch is not matched up with the lipstick tube lineup. It's annoying. Whaddadick. To make up for it, I offer this to you as a condolence:

I think it's a pretty fair trade.

Now, let's get on with the lipstick talk.

Here are the colors I received, applied on an acutal human mug. I really liked all of the shades quite a bit. I was a tad unsure on the mauve, maybe because my brain cells are opposed to the word mauve (thanks, 1992), but after seeing it in the picture, I actually like the pastel-iness of it.

This is a long-wear lipstick, and the formula is touted as a matte satin. Or maybe a satin matte. This is the one dispute I have with this guy. It's not matte. It's satin. Which is absolutely fine in my book of things that are fine, but it needs to be noted.

As far as the long-wear thing goes, it wears very nicely, and for a long time. It didn't feather or bleed at all. It's just not one of those eat/drink/makeout with a basketball team/smoke strawberry hookahs, and it won't come off, kind of long wears. It comes off on whatever you put your mouth upon (heh), but you're still left with plenty of lipstick. Just ask my swatched forearm.

Overall, if you're in need of a Pretty Ricky pretty lippie for UNDER TWO DAMN DOLLARS (okay, I guess you get it), with a satiny finish that wears like a dream, this baby is for you.

This is also for you.



Don't act like it's not. He like, "Look at me, I'm a big, dumb hooman thing."





Pin It

Adele Makes A Really Hot Dude

Thank you for the birthday wishes I had a wonderful time! I was my hero x #gottahavefaith pic.twitter.com/FMSPQPUGMD

— Adele (@OfficialAdele) May 6, 2015

I have to say that Adele is really covering all of the hot-ass bases for me here. I already think that regular, ol' everyday Adele is a major sexpot, but she really upped the sexy ante by dressing in drag as George Michael for her birthday, seeing as I have a well-documented thing for GM. (P.S. Reading the comments on that video still brings me some strange sense of delight and wonder. People are effed in the brain.)

Also, how does a bitch get invited to an Adele birthday party, because I want in. I can dress as any dude you want me to, Addie. David Arquette in Scream? You got it, dude. Donald Trump? Begrudgingly, but, sure. Jordan Catalano? Obviously. Shit, I'll even dress up as Brain Brian Krakow, if it suits you. I WANT IN.

Plus, it sounds like a much better time than this dumb party:



 I just got a Drakkar Noir contact headache from that bullshit. THANKS, BIEBS. EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT.






Pin It

Jamie Foxx Did A Weird Rendition Of The National Anthem This Weekend

Come with me on a short, non-magical mystery tour of Jamie Foxx (most '90s pseudonym ever, that's still in use) singing the National Anthem at that boxing thing this weekend. I say "boxing thing," because I didn't watch that shit. It's sports, which I avoid more than trips to the gynecologist.

You probably watched it. I feel like a lot of people did. But, did you truly absorb this performance of "The Star-Spangled Banner," or were you too effed up on Tostitos Scoops? I mean, it's not horrible. We don't have a Rosanne situation here. And I'm no singing expert...

but this just feels like so lounge singer-y. Listen, I loved "Blame It" and "Unpredictable" as much as the next annoying white girl in their 20s at the time, but why did this even happen? Was Mariah not available? Or even Mariah lite, I mean, Ariana Grande? Or even Eddie Murphy as Randy Watson? Give me something to work with, man.

On the positive side, please believe I'm going to start ending all of my sentences with "fallelujah -- deep pause -- hallelu..."

P.S. Someone please tell what the shit this jacket was all about. NO ZIPPER NEEDS TO BE THAT LARGE, SIR. So many pleather animals died to make that atrocity. RIP to all the plocodiles and plythons on the planet.

video via vulture Pin It

It's Time For Another Chance To Win The Allure Sample Society Box

If you're in the mood to get some free ish, watch this video for your chance to win an April Allure Sample Society box. Then, click back over to the OG video and leave a comment. If you've got your lucky winning pants on, maybe you can cop one of these babies!





Pin It

Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Seaweed Wrap

What happens when you slather yourself up with seaweed at the Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa? Watch my latest installment of Outrageous Beauty to find out.





Pin It