Friday, December 5, 2014

WTF O' The Day: Usher Charged His Phone Using A Lady's Bathing Suit Area


To be logged in the the Book of WHYYYYYYYY, Art Edition™: Usher charged his cellphone using a woman's vagina for performance art. (Little known fact -- the Book of WHYYYYYYYY? was started by Nancy Kerrigan. Too soon?)

sorry i did you wrong, nanc.

This just proves that I don't know shit about art. I usually just picture people painting and stuff, and maybe something semi-scandalous happens, like in that Big Eyes movie. I never thought to put a battery pack into my lady cave and charge my favorite '90s R&B dude $20 to jump start his iPhone. That's just entrepreneurial. And thinking outside the box. (I deeply apologize for that.)

I think if I were going to battery (literally) pack myself, I would power up a panini press. Or maybe a George Foreman grill. You know, give back to the community with my downstairs food. Or I could plug in a boombox that played Salt 'n' Pepa on a cassette tape around the clock. Those are really my only viable options.


Okay, I'm done here. I promise.




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Miley Cyrus Seriously Has Zero Effs Left To Give

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on


If you thought that Miley had hit the epitome of the least amount of effs to give before, you were wrong. Oh so wrong. And here's your concrete proof.

Homie performed the other night in Miami at Art Basel, and this is the ode-to-Cher's-If-I-Could-Turn-Back-Time-video outfit she wore. Well, part of it. There were some semi outfit changes.

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on


There was the addition of this appendage.

You know the nights been a good one when you stole a shirt from a stripper

Une photo publiée par Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) le



Then a gifted stripper shirt for her bathroom ensemble.

A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on


And she finally just gave up on all the tops and wore disco ball pasties. You know, when in Rome, and all.

I have to hand it to Miley. She does whatever the shit she feels like, and doesn't feel the need to apologize for it. Do your thing, butterbean.

But if you feel like your eyeballs now need a little refreshing cleanse after all of those nearly-nude hijinks, here are some sibling beagles playing with a toy snake. Happy Friday in this beyotch!




vid via tastefully offensive Pin It

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something I Already Wrote

pic via allure
First off, this image makes my brain feel crazy because my eyeballs assume that it's a Magic Eye print, and force me to start searching for a Statue of Liberty, or something. Secondly, I wrote a fun slideshow for Allure this month, that gives beauty meanings to basic emojis. Because why not?

If you want to check it, do so here. If not, make up your own meanings. Or try to find Lady Liberty in the picture above. It's your brain, use it how you please.



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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Top 10 Very Best Things About Britney Spears


Happy National Britney Jean Spears Day! (It's not an official national holiday, but it is in my heart.) Today is Brit Brit's 33rd birthday, so I will be celebrating in the only way that I know how -- by counting down my top ten favorite things about the world's biggest Cheetos lover.

Let's talk about all Britney everythang.

#10 -- The K Fed wedding


The Britney/K Fed era was a weird time, man. It brought about terrible things like that reality show, but also amazing treasures like this wedding picture. (Other wonders not pictured: tiara and glove-lettes.)

Other people have the JFK/Jackie O/some kind of royal wedding to hang their hopes and dreams upon -- I have this.

#9 -- That wayward eyelash


I really hope I can forget this moment one day. I still feel weird and sad about it.

When Britney gave Matt Lauer an interview in 2006, she got sad and cried over something (I can't be bothered to google what it was) like she is wont to do, and this resulted in a dangling fake eyelash hanging by a damn fiber from her eye. Whatever, shit happens. BUT THEN IT STAYED THAT WAY FOR THE DURATION OF THE INTERVIEW.

Does Brit not have a lash wrangler? Or a friend? Or a next-door neighbor to pop by for a cup of friggin' sugar? Damn people, that was cold.

#8 -- "Oops!...I Did It Again" acting



Brit's acting starting at 2:50 is one of my favorite things on Earth. I'm not joking even slightly. If I'm feeling shitty, I can watch just that few seconds of true thespian-ism and feel instantly better. And when the "OOPS, I..." starts in, it's like being born into a better universe.

P.S. Can we please take note of how hard current-day Ariana Grande is biting Britney's style from this video? Inappropriate on all levels.

#7 -- ACTING acting



CROSSROADS, YOU GUYS. CROSSROADS. Britney is wearing a bucket hat. I don't think I need to say anything more about this.

#6 -- A fondness for chokers and frappuccinos


Brit has two loves in her life, both of which really bring her zero benefits. Firstly, homegirl LOVES frappuccinos more than anyone loves anything, really. She goes through periods when she's on boring diets and shit and goes without them, and when that happens, my heart breaks for her. It's like Rose letting ol' Jack Dawson drift off into a watery coffin in Titanic. (SPOILER ALERT!) But more sad.

Her second lover brings a simmering rage to my eyeballs like few things can, but when you love someone, you look past their truly horrific choker decisions. Brit doesn't care that chokers look terrible on her. She doesn't even care that all the chokers in her choker collection are dreadful.


She's simply about that choker life, and I respect her choices.

#5 -- Weave probz


Britney has had a pretty melodramatic and well-documented history of problems with her extensions. So why is this on a list of things that I love about B? Because it, once again, shows how little effs she gives.

Work those weave tracks, Brit. The world can get off your jock.

#4 -- Social media Brit Brit

A video posted by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on

I've posted this Instagram video of Brit before, but there's no denying its extreme levels of adorableness. Her contributions to social media are often confusing and delightful. It's like your Gam Gam trying to use Facebook, AKA THE BEST.

#3 -- The sexiest MTV VMAs moment, ever



If you didn't die a thousand deaths when Brit ripped off that suit, I'm assuming it's because you weren't alive when it happened. Watching this still gives me chills, and I will not be judged for it. It was amazing.

#2 -- X Factor faces





Britney's faces were so fire on X Factor that there's an entire Tumblr dedicated to them. These are the only reactions I need in my life.

#1 -- Denim on denim on denim (with an assist from Justin Timberlake)

via mtv

Nothing in history has ever been better than this moment.  Try to find a single flaw in this photo. I Highlights-magazine-hidden-picture dare you. It's impossible.

Happy Birthday, Brit! Keep doing you.

Did I miss any of your favorite Britney moments? Let's talk more about our favorite person.



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Saturday, November 29, 2014

Busta Rhymes Fell Off A Stage, Because We're Too Old For This Sh*t

A video posted by Mess Kid (@messkid) on

Listen, Bus a Bus. Sometimes it's hard to accept the aging process. I totally understand that. It's like you wake up one day, and you've got hang-y down elbow skin. I feel you deeply on this.

But you know what you don't start doing when you realize you're getting old as shit and making rap videos/ads for minivans? You don't try to hang with the young dudes and turn all things all the way up near the edge of a stage. Especially when the last time we saw you, you looked like this:


It's okay, Busta. There's nothing wrong with staying home and diving into a great book with a single glass of wine, then calling it a night no later than 9:30pm. Or maybe catching a matinee movie. Let the kids be kids, with their drinking and stage dancing. Trust me, no one enjoyed several Crown and diets and a stage dance quite like me in the early-to-mid '00s, but it's time to hang our hats on those memories, B. Our time for such tom foolery has passed, and huzzah to that!


Let's just accept that we're too old for this shit and quietly settle into middle age gracefully. Call me if you want to start a book club. I'm still reading Amy Poehler, but I'm open to your suggestions.




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Thursday, November 27, 2014

Problem Solvers: Help, I Can't Put On Eyeliner


Remember this graphic? Probs not, because I only used it once. I had big-ass plans to do a help column (section? I should know this) on this blog to remedy beauty issues, then I got shitty and only did it once. What can I say? I'm still the same ol' G.

So here I am to make semi-amends by helping my sisters (and brothers) that have told me "I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO APPLY EYELINER IN VARIOUS FORMS," and then run away in shame. Hide no more, my friends. It's not happening anymore. Not on my watch.

Shall we delve?

The "I Can't Draw a Straight Line on My Eye" Crew

ud 24/7 eye pencil in zero ($20) & sephora waterproof gel eyeliner ($14)

Listen, I kind of feel you on this one. I personally can't draw a straight eyeliner line on an eyeball with a pencil unless I pull my eyelid. Like the old school, totally gives you wrinkles style. It's not cute.

So the great alternative, easy-like-woah way to define your eyes is to do a slightly smudgy line. You have a couple of options as far as products to use on this one. I MUCH prefer a gel/cream eyeliner and brush combo because it's easier to control, but you can also use a creamy (gag) pencil and your finger. Or brush. You know my style -- do whatever the eff you want.


If you're using the cream/gel liner and a brush, it's ridiculously friggin' easy. Just wiggle the brush into your upper lash line, moving along the length of your eyelid, from the outside in. SO DAMN SIMPLE.

If you want to work the pencil eyeliner, hold it against your lashes and make little dots across your lash line. Then lightly smudge the dots with either your pinky or a flat brush to connect the dots (har har) into a single, smoky line. Now you're all defined-up, eye-pulling and straight lines be damned.

The "What the Hell is a Waterline?" Squad

sephora waterproof gel eyeliner ($14)

Waterlines are notoriously difficult to deal with when it comes to eyeliner. They're like the (alleged) Katherine Heigls of the beauty world. And because of this, I will only use gel or cream liner to line my bottom waterline. I just stays so much better.

I've been using a Sephora waterproof cream liner forever (ever), but when I went to replace it, I found that it's been discontinued and replaced with this gel liner. And this new liner is straight Meh City, USA, but it's still better than using a pencil liner. That's how much I hate pencil liner on my bottom waterline. I'll take 'meh' over it.


For the bottom waterline, just pat on a waterproof gel/cream eyeliner with a thin, flat brush. If you're oily, or have juicy eyeballs, top with black eyeshadow to keep that shit in check. I promise it will cut down on the bleeding of the liner and keep you from looking a crazy mess.

On the upper waterline, press the liner into the lashes from underneath with your choice of beauty weapon. Make sure that you wiggle the liner a little to get in between the lashes. You don't want weird spaces popping up in there. It makes your eyelashes look patchy, and homie don't play that nonsense. This little trick will make you look like you have a bazillion lashes and also somehow more awake. I don't know why. I'm not a scientist.

The "Cat-eye Eyeliner is Too Hard" Homies

kat von d tattoo liner ($18)

Hey scared-of-cat-eye friend, guess what? I USED TO BE YOU, MAN. I didn't know how the hell to draw on a winged line to save my damn life for a long-ass time. Then my cousin, who is the type to wear cat-eyes every day, showed me this triangle trick many a year ago, and that shit promptly changed my eyeliner life.


Here's the big secret -- don't just draw some weirdo line coming straight off the side of your eyelid and call it a day. Instead, draw a line angling toward the end(ish) of your eyebrow. It can be straight or swoop-y. It's your world. Then draw on a line from the end point of that first line, back to your lash line. Now fill in that shape. The last step is to line your lash line, from either the very inner corner of your eye or the start of your lashes, and connect it to the shape you have drawn. You can make the lash line line (???) as thin or as thick as you want. Remember? Do whatever your eyeballs tell you.

Okay, that's all I've got. I think I've covered all of the bases and their bases. If you've got more eyeliner issues, please let me know if I can help. Maybe it's something that I've never even heard of. That would be kind of dope.

Also, tell me your other beauty problems that you would like me to (attempt to) solve. Or non-beauty stuffs. Maybe I can help with that, too. I'm a great listener.




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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: Bliss Spa's Fat Girl Slim Treatment



I'm a big ol' fan of Bliss Spa products, so when I got the opportunity to try their Fat Girl Slim treatment for my latest Allure Insiders video, I was pretty damn pumped. There are rubbery masks and tightly-wrapped mylar blankets involved!

Watch the video and see what the happs are with this badass treatment.



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