Beauty Science Fair: Avocado Hair Mask Edition

Remember elementary school science fairs? The white backboards that were Elmer's-glued to the gills with construction paper, diapers bursting with food coloring, sprouted potatoes -- that shit was so stressful. But one great thing about the forced attendance to these science fairs was gleaning all of that random ass childhood knowledge without having to actually do the boring work.

So that's really what I'm doing here (well, the grown lady/cheapass/low rent version). I'll do all the work with the beauty experiments and you can reap the benefit of the results, ranging from good to crap.

For today's experiment, I'm taking on a DIY avocado mask and tracking the results, in the style of the Scientific Method. Remember the Scientific Method? Sorry for bringing back your third grade anxieties. Get out your four color pen and take notes.

Purpose: To get hair that's as shiny as a mofo.

Hypothesis: If you blend together some seemingly innocuous avocado and other food stuffs, maybe your hair will get all healthy and glossy glossy.

Procedure: I searched the ol' World Wide Web until I found this recipe for an avocado hair mask that contained all ingredients that I already possessed. Because you know that my too-lazy-to-refill-my-water-glass ass isn't going to actually leave the house to buy some nonsense. I mean, this whole thing really came about because I had an avocado that I bought a week ago with the idea that I was going to make guacamole, then I got shitty and let it go half bad. So here's what you need:

• Your own kind of shitty avocado (a normal one, not a dinosaur-sized huge one)
• 1/4 c of olive oil
• 1 Tablespoon of lemon juice

I put everything in a bowl and mixed it up, and started to notice how Josie Grossie this crap looked.

The texture of the mixture was straight-up (now tell me) guh-ross. I kept thinking stuff like, "Is this what baby poop looks like? Is this what baby poop feels like?" I must have a weird baby poop thing. I wasn't aware. But it was grossing me out.

It says to use it on damp hair but that's just too much damn work, and homie don't play that, so I just kind of squished it all over my head. Then I waited an excruciating 20 minutes. (Okay, it wasn't excruciating. It was moderately bleh.)

But seriously, how effing gross does this look? My expectations for the outcome of this hot mess were lowered to say the least.

After the 20 minutes, I got into the shower and rinsed and shampooed my hair. I would file the way it felt under "meh." So I slapped a light conditioner on and immediately rinsed it out. I followed up with my regular ol' basic bitch hair routine when I got out, which is a spray leave-in conditioner and an Argan oil serum. My hair felt normal, with a dab of dryness.

Analysis: I usually have a semi-hard (heh) time brushing through my hair when I'm blow drying it, and I can never just blow dry and go. I have to curl or flat iron (or air-dry and leave it the hell alone) to keep it from looking slightly puffy and pre-styling tools middle school-y. A bitch that can do a blowout and call it a day, I am not.

But I found that I could easily run a round brush through my hair, which pretty much never happens. And as my hair dried, it was looking as smooth as that terrible Santana/Rob Thomas song. My ends weren't weird and my mop was shining bright like a diamond, circa 2012. (I apologize for the surplus of dated musical references. I've had wine and it's late.)

Conclusion: I was wholly prepared to be all, "My hair feels like a greased-up porcupine's b-hole," right to your face, but I was wrong. Like a big dummy. This shit is the bee's knees. The only con to this whole deal was that my oily roots were oily, so I would probably hit up the shampoo twice. Rinse and repeat et al.

Overall, my hair feels amazing. It hasn't feel this soft 'n' silky in recent times. It's like Jennifer-Aniston-when-her-hair-was-at-its-peak-levels of dopeness. I know that this all seems hyperbolic, but I AM NOT OVERSELLING THE FEELINGS OF MY HAIR RIGHT NOW. You know that I don't care about things enough to oversell them. Especially not avocados.

Sorry, avocados.





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On This Extremely Sad Day In Celebrity News, Courtney Stodden Is Our Rainbow

via stodd's instagram

You guys, I can't talk about the very sad thing that happened today. I tear up just thinking about it, even though this terrible thing happened to a person that I don't know. I just hate knowing that someone is in that dark of a place, stranger or not. So I want to take this moment to say that I love and completely treasure the handful of you that are reading this, and to squeeze your loved ones as much as possible.
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I had to draw a line there, because everything that follows just seems even more ridiculous considering the circumstances. So please forgive my horrible soul, but it's now back to doing stuff like talking about weens and posting ridiculous cat gifs.

Or more pointedly (Get it? Yes, I still spell out "boobs" on calculators.), the big news that the Jackie O and JFK of our times, Courtney Stodden and her estranged husband Doug Hutchison, are back together! And RE-ENGAGED! That's not a thing, but let's them have it.

via eonline

I mean, if these two authentic love birds can't fly off into the sunset together, what hope do we all have? It's like seeing the raw passion from every Danielle Steele novel in print encompassed in one photo. Avert your eyes, H8RZ. Cheers to love.





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A Scene From The Saved By The Bell Lifetime Movie Is Here, And It's The Best Worst Thing Ever

YOU GUYS. It's almost time for the masterpiece that is The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story (cool name, dude) to be thrust upon our souls. (It comes on September 1, so clear your MF-ing palm pilots for that day, YOU'RE BUSY.)

If this sneak-peek is any indicator of the class of film that we have in store, we are in for a massive-ass treat. This shit looks terrible. But that should come as no surprise, because the "movie" is somewhat based on Dustin Diamond's book that he wrote about his experiences on the show. And if you've ever seen anything from real-life Screech Powers, he's kind of known to be (ALLEGEDLY) a pretty tool-y tool.

Side-stepping those issues, who are these actors? I feel like Napoleon Dynamite might have been the casting director. Here's a dramatic recreation of how I think casting went:

Casting person/director/I don't know these things: "Hey, assistant person, I need for you to find any group of four white people, an African American person and a Hispanic person. Doesn't matter who. Oh, and grab some blonde hair dye, an eyebrow pencil and as many pairs of pleated pants as you can find. And if they still make those bendy hair roller things, get some of those. 

Assistant person:
 

Aaaaaaand scene.

All of those things being said, I can't wait to watch the shit out of this. Assistant, bring me my Filofax so I can set it aflame to clear my schedule forever and ever.



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Happy (Almost) Friday, Here's A Video Of Me At A Party

I really needed to share this video just in case you ever invite me to do something. If I come (which I really won't), this is exactly what I will do the ENTIRE TIME. I'm the worst kind of person.

All I need in this life of sin is me and this dog friend. Ride or die to the very end, just me and this dog friend. (Me and this dog friend.)



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Meet Kat Von D's Monarch Eyeshadow Palette, The Baddest B Of The Year (Millennium?)

I know, I know. I've been talking about a buttload of eyeshadow palettes lately. BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT. Okay, so I clearly needed this like I need more fibers of laziness in my being, but I just couldn't help myself. I fell in love with this mofo. And we found love in a hopeless place -- the Sephora inside a horribly crowded JC Penney, riddled with back-to-school shoppers.

Let's take a strong look at what reeled my ass in:

Meet the Kat Von D Monarch Palette ($46). It's clearly based on the coloration of that orange-y butterfly, but when I think of Monarch, I think of Monarchy, then I think of Bizz Markie. I probably need to see a psychologist.

The packaging on this bad boy is equal parts beautiful/reminds me of my tramp stamp from 1999. Yay? Either way, it spoke to me. But when I peeped the inside contents, I really fell the eff in love. THERE ARE THREE HIGHLIGHTING/BASE SHADOWS. And they're hella big, like twice the size of normal. This is a big thing for me because I always use up my base-color shadows first.

I was SOLD sold after I started swatching the palette all over my body in the store. Here's the thing about Kat Von D eyeshadows: the pigmentation and texture are LE-MFing-GIT. Did I mention that this is my third (? fourth? fifth? I can't remember, and I've dropped and broken a couple because I'm a monster.) KVD palette? They are my absolute favorite eyeshadows.

Needless to say (or you wouldn't be reading this shit right now, doy), I bought the Monarch Palette. I know, I'm beginning to be an outright ridiculous person. But I did it, so let's at least get some use out of my overspending issues.

I wanted to create a couple different looks so you could see the versatility of the shadows and really get a feel for this b. So this first eyeball fashion plate is a little on the bolder side of the cosmetics tracks. (The Arbor Mist is free-flowing over on this side, you should come hang some time.)

I really felt the need to use the orange eyeshadow (it's called Wrath) to see how wearable it was, and whether or not it made me look like I had a severe eye infection. Spoiler alert: it did not. It actually made me feel kind of cool and post-Apocalyptic, like I could fashion weapons from debris and lizard skeletons, or something.

The second eye deal is more the kind of thing I would wear on the daily -- it's normal, it's basic (without being TOO basic bitch-like), and it's sportin' a touch of sheen, old sport. Between these two looks I actually ended up using all of the eyeshadows at least once, except for one of the base/highlight colors. High fiving a million angels for my mild productivity!

Here's the main point of all of my nonsensical ramblings on: I LOVE THIS FRIGGIN' PALETTE. So much so that I wrote a short poem as an ode to it. Please enjoy.

I love this palette,
more than a salad.
The shadows are bangin',
they won't leave you hangin'.
I love it so much that we might wed,
and sleep in the same bed.

FIN

I don't blame you if you never, ever come back to this blog ever again. Good day.



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The "Apparently" Kid And Other Best Bits O' The Day

Have you seen this video of the "apparently" kid? Because apparently I love him more than at least 78% of all other humans. Apparently.
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Apparently (sorry, I can't stop), bears are just like us, and hate Justin Bieber. Yay! According to this story from The Daily Mail, a Russian fisherman-type dude was getting full-on mauled by a brown bear until THE BEAR WAS SCARED OFF BY HIS BABY BIEBS RINGTONE that went off just as the bear was getting down to business.

A few things: a) remind to never move to Russia because it sounds scary as shit, b) HAHAHAHAHA, Biebs, even bears put you in the "Oh, eff no" category. The poor, unfortunate, bear-mauled soul is recovering from severe cuts and bruises from the bear, but homie is going to be okay. As far as having JB's "Baby" as a damn default ringtone, the guy claimed that his "granddaughter loaded it onto my phone for a joke."

Okay, sir, stick to that story. Get well soon and stuff.

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Is Chris Pratt trying to make us all want to kiss him on the mouth? Because if that's what he's campaigning for, it's totally working.

Here he is on a Sirius/XM show rapping Eminem's part from "Forgot About Dre." This really makes me love him 3984230985 times more since I bump to this song on the daily, because it's on my workout playlist. (JK, I'm really horrible about my fitness, so I hear it like thrice a month.) Whatever, Chris, we get it. You're adorable and funny and the best. Just be all of our boyfriends.

P.S. What raps do you guys have memorized? I have a couple of early-ish Snoop Dogg songs, Salt 'n' Pepa's "Shoop" and Biggie's "Juicy" down. Yet, I can't remember to take a damn daily vitamin.



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Allure Insiders Get The Look: Megan Fox's April O'Neil In Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Tutorial

It's almost time for the re-vamped version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (ugh, I'm such a Michelangelo), so I decided a tutorial on Megan Fox's April O'Neil look for this week's Allure Insiders video. Heroes in a half shell, TURTLE POWER, and whatnot.



Check it out, and you can find all of my Allure Insiders videos here, if you just really can't get enough of my melodic voice and dreamy ass mug.




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