Ugh, Hot People Can Do ANYTHING

Pic via Huffington Post

Charlize Theron shaved her head for some reason that I am too lazy to google, but, duh, for a role. And she's dressed dude-ish here. And she's still super hot. And her baby is like poster child for the Adorbs Parade. (Don't you wish that existed? It would be like a parade of babies riding on puppies, stuffed into kangaroo pouches. Can someone make this happen?)

Is anyone else hating their life right now? But I will say that I never noticed before this whole head-shaving deal that Charlize and my own lil' Brit Brit are kind of neck twins:

Seriously, people that are still super hot with shaved heads are such a-holes. Am I right?

Ugh. Ridic gorgeous alien. Hate you.

Still super hot.

If I shaved my head, I would totally look like this:

I hate my life.




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Fiona Apple has a New Video, and It's as Weird as You Would Expect.

Full disclosure: I friggin' love Fiona Apple. From the first time I heard Criminal when I was 15-ish and annoyingly emo-ish, I was hooked on that little poppy seed mini muffin of crazy, and I haven't looked back. Fiona's back, with a new video for her song Every Single Night, and don't worry -- she still cray. With the bonus of a octopus on her head!



Oh, how I've missed this b. And she's back with a little extra ginger flavor (and baby bangs). To which I say:



"Heeeeey!"


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True Blood Musing: WE'RE BACK B'S!!!

 How much do you loved this photoshopped Rolling Stone cover? You know Skarsgard could hold Moyer like at tiny newborn.

 Okay, enough of this mess, let's talk the season's first epi! JUMP, b's. I said JUMP!

P.S. Duh, if you haven't watched, don't read this mess. And these are just my random thoughts, if you are new to this ish. It's not a review or whatever. So you might not give half an eff about this.

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I Make Hot (That's Up to Your Judgement) Hoes Look Awkard: True Blood Edition

True Blood is back tomorrow, b's! And if you have been a reader of this blog for a while, you know I LIVE for this ish. I will be doing my dumbass True Blood recaps again, so get ready to hate on that mess.

In honor of all of the hot sessiness that makes up the True Blood lineup, I have scoured the interwebs via my AOL dial-up connection ("Mom! Don't pick up the phone! I'm in a chat room!") to find the most awkward pictures I can find of those hot, hot w's.

First up, Eric. Or Alexander Skarsgard, if you want to be all technical and ish. Today's Skarsy is a tall parfait of Nordic fro-yo sexiness, but check this out:

Did he have a former career as a Nick Carter impersonator? Is that a skinny pink belt in the picture on the right? Are those a pink pair of women's Izod pants on the right?

Next is the rugged hotness that is Alcide. Joe Manganiello is like a bear skin rug made of muscles, slightly dirty hair, and abs now, but here he is in high school:

Pic via Celeb Buzz

Okay, he's still pretty hot. (He's probably 18 in this picture -- Right? Don't call Chris Hansen.)

The new edition (Sit down, Bobby Brown, I wasn't talking about your ass.) to the show is Chris Meloni as some HBIC. I've always thought Chris was sprinkled with a special sauce of gruff and sexy. But here he is roughly 93842048 years ago:

Was he on Eight is Enough? Or is that just my mom's haircut from circa 1981? I would post a picture of that mess, but I'm sure she doesn't want to be associated with my ass.

And just for a little more awkwardness:

I don't know what this is, but it is just a whole big ol' bag of wrong that has been done to this man.

Jason Stackhouse, or Ryan Kwanten if you must, is a ripped little elf. But there are some unfortunate pictures of this hot little man. Exhibit A:

What exactly is this? (Besides awkward?)

And this is just shades of 98 Degrees of no.

Sam (on TB  and birth certificate) is a little take it or leave for me in the man department, but maybe some of you have a thing for him. I personally think he body doubles for Britney Spears' boyfriend, but whatevs.

Anyway, here he is hopefully in a modern day interpretation of Tom Sawyer. Starring a big ass red steering wheel and taking place in a bamboo jungle.

Sigh. I guess I have to mention my nemesis, Bill. I'm sure some people like stiff, wooden dudes. (Don't be gross.)

Seriously, did Stephen Moyer have a face (and hair) transplant with Chris Isaak? That ish cray.

And I can't leave out Andy Bellefleur. I know it's not conventional, but I find Sheriff Andy attractive for some reason. Don't judge me, Bill lovers!

Andy's driver's license reads "Chris Bauer," so that's what I googled to find weird pictures of Sheriff Andy. This is what I found:

Obvs (hopefully), this is a different Chris Bauer. Yet, still just as sexual. (Scruffy, watery eyed gingers need love, too!)

Here's a picture of the "real" Chris Bauer, looking like a real Baberaham Lincoln. (Thanks, Wayne's World for all of my comedic lines.)

Okay, I'm finished humiliating hot dudes. I'm like a boring, unsexy, virtual dominatrix.

See! Celebrities are just like us! (No they aren't.) They have horrible, awkward pictures from their past, too! (Regular people's -- like us -- are much, much worse.) Now let's all tune in tomorrow and catch the current hotness of the True Blood cast to wash this gross taste from our mouths.


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Ballerina Beauty: Vicariously Living My Dreams Through Pink Products

Confession time: I'm kind of obsessed with ballerinas. Okay, that sounds super creepy. I'm not going to Black Swan anybody or anything, no need for restraining orders. I did ballet (and then pointe) for something like 12 years.

My first, albeit chubby, ballet recital picture.

In my dreams, I would be a prima ballerina. But here's the thing -- I'm barely five feet tall. That ish ain't happening. Ever. So I quit when I was in my teens, and became the lazy b that I am today.

So now I obsessively watch ballet TV shows whenever they are on, including the new ones: Breaking Pointe and the upcoming Bunheads. And I live my "mess with never happen" dreams through ballet-like beauty products, like any weird, passive aggressive person would.

Tarte Amazionian Clay in Amused, $25

I have had the Tarte Amazonian Clay blush in a couple of shades for several months, and I totally love them. They last forever on your skin, and the colors are really pretty. This super pinky color, Amused, just reminds me of ballet. (Is that weird?)

LAQA & Co. Fat Lip Pencil in Lambchop, $20.95

The good peeps at LAQA & Co. sent me this fat lip pencil to try, and it is pretty freakin' fabulous. It's easy to use, the packaging is gorge, and the color Lambchop is bright and beautiful. And ridic pink. Which are all pluses in my book. And did I say it's pink? Get it? Ballet?

OPI in Otherwise Engaged, about $8.50

This OPI polish has been my go-to pinky nude for years and years. It doesn't look streaky, like a lot of nudie (ha ha, nudie) shades tend to do. And it's pretty much the exact shade of ballet tights. (Am I getting creepy now?)

Tube sock...Preferably clean.

Yep, that's a tube sock up there. The most ballerina-y thing is a bun, obvs. And the easiest way to get a sexy ass ballet style bun is with a tube sock. See how to get the goods in my top knot tutorial below.



Sorry if this post reeked of unfulfilled dreams and childhood tears. I'm going to go slather pink stuff all over myself and hang upside down from some crazy contraption to try in attempts to make myself taller. BRB.




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This is What's Happening Now.

Pic via Buzz Feed

Four people, (or even better, one person four times) googled "Dr. Fellatio" to get to this blog. What am I doing with my life?

P.S. I'm pretty sure it wasn't this cat, but one can never be sure.



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In Case You Don't Obsessive Stalk Me, You Might Have Missed It

So, I never posted any of my challenges from Allure's Beauty Blogger of the Year contest. Here's the video I made for the final challenge. It shows how to use various makeup items in more than one way. Enjoy my typical horrid-ness.





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