Breaking News: Britney Spears Looks Super Hot

Pic via Daily Mail

The worst kept secret in the world is my huge love for Mizzz Britney Spears. I love this b. Crazy, sane, Cheeto-stained fingers, mama no care. This is my homegirl for life. So I'm proud to say that my girl is looking guuuuuuurd thanks to the X Factor. I even have those shoes, but mine aren't YSL, they are, ahem, Baker's. Yep, Baker's.

You know if she was sitting at home she's be in frappuccino spotted sweats and a tank top, sans bra. (P.S. The girl are looking "freshened up," no?) So I'm excited for Brit Brit, even if I don't watch this show. I wish I could do a long ass soak off of those french manicured acrylics, but beggars can't be choosers.

Keep it going, honey boo boo!



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What Would Ariel Buy?

Let me break it down for you: When I was a kid, I freakin' loved Ariel from The Little Mermaid.

Still a hot b.

I wanted to be Ariel with BLONDE hair, though of course. (Because I had blonde hair, natch.) I even once almost drowned (slightly dramatized version) in my pool because I was trying to swim like a damn mermaid with one of those stupid dive rings you play with in the pool around my feet. I was/am a terrible combination of imaginative and kind of dumb.

I am still, today, a little obsessed with Ariel. I have told you guys before that I love a gorge ginger, and this b is the epitome of the hot ginger chick (with a fish tail no less). So I started thinking, if Ariel was a real person, and lived in current times, what would she like? Sidebar -- When the eff was The Little Mermaid supposed to take place? The mess could have been anywhere between 1634 and 1920.

Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray, $24

Of course Ariel (person version) would totally be into beachy waves. And this Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray has actual salt water in it.

Lancome Color Design 5 Shadow & Liner Palette in Amethyst Glam, $49

A good purple shadow looks great on almost anyone, and we know that this color is great on Ariel, because, duh, her boob shells are purple. I own this palette, and the she's a beaut, Clark. It has a great shimmer level (not circa '97 levels of glitter), and blends very easily.

Trident Earring from Etsy, $40

If our modern-day Ariel were cool and even a little bit hipster-y, she would wear the hell out of this trident duster earring. And I think she would be. She liked shiny crap, and was possibly the world's first ever hoarder. Someone needs to buy this badass thing immediately, take pictures of themselves wearing it, email me the picture, and then I can hate you forever. I just like to hate people, like for fun.

Nars Body Glow, $59

Listen, when Ariel had legs, they were some badass gams, see? (read that in a 20's gangster voice) To keep those things looking spicy, I think that homegirl would appreciate a little glow on her skin. On the real, I haven't tried this ish, because it's freakin' $59, and I'm poor. But doesn't it just look like hot sex?

Local Celebrity Seashell Skinny Tank, $46

I mean, come the hell on. There are seashells. On a tank top.

Too Faced Full Bloom Lip & Cheek Color in Prim & Poppy Coral, $21

Ariel is used to living Unda da Sea, where everything's wetter...and you probably don't wear makeup. So she would totally benefit from using a product that has dual uses and is super easy to put on, like this creamy blush/lip combo from Too Faced.

What do you guys think? Would Ariel use all this ish? Or would Scuttle like it all...To poop on!

This dog said I'm a dumbass.


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The "What's It Like?" Chronicles: Botox Edition

Listen, I know that (ideally) I should be all, "Everyone be natural! Don't wear makeup or get cosmetic surgery! That's all for the birds!" (What the eff does that mean, anyway?) But that ain't me, babe. No, no, no. It ain't me, babe. (Sorry, just a little Johnny Cash break.)

I LIKE to have fake stuff. I know, it's not the best attitude to have. And I wish I wasn't this way! I'm horrible; what can I say? I've had plastic surgery (more on that another time), I like to use crap like Latisse and wear fake eyelashes, and fake hair...And I've had Botox. Twice!

Could have used a needle poke, non?

You see, my 'regular face' kind of looks like a 'b face' and I scowl a lot. I'm a real peach, obvs. And I have to say, that I really liked not having wrinkles in my forehead. Is it vain? Yes. But, whatevs. It is what it is. (I'm dying to get more, BTW.)

So what's it like to get your face stuck with needles full of paralyzing fluids??? It ain't that bad, b's! Here's the realness:

• It doesn't really hurt, not badly, anyway. It's just a little stick, not nearly as bad as getting a shot. The weirdest part is when the needle goes through your skin, it makes a 'crunching' sound. I'm not a scientist, I don't know why. It's creepy.
• It doesn't work immediately; it takes a day or two to really take effect.
• You don't get as many headaches for some reason. (Can you tell I really am up on my facts??? Sigh. I am perhaps THE worst.)
• It lasts about three months or so. 

I won't pretend like it's all kittens pooping Skittle rainbows. I have seen some people looking jacked up from Botox mess ups. Droopy eyes, frozen faces, the whole deal. So do proceed with caution, and pick a good and trustworthy doc if this is the frown-less road on which you would like to proceed.

And to all of the women out there that don't give two effs about getting wrinkles and ish, I have mad, mad respect for you. I wish I liked myself as much, trust! But until then, I'm trying to get my face to look permanently like this:

Minus those eye bags, of course. Come on, girl. Get that ish tight.


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I Don't Think I'm Ready (For This Jelly)

I was walking around the mall the other day, because I'm old and that's what old people do, when I came across these gems:

What the eff, guys? Are we REALLY doing this again? Not that these earrings weren't my ride or die Claire's favorites back in the day, but daaaayyyyumn. I also came across a pack of scrunchies. I'm stressed. Will I be waking up some time in the near future wearing this again?

Yes, I am that b.

I don't know if I have that kind of money in my balloon budget.

Or, perhaps this is in my future (again):

Limited, Too was my jam.

I look like a sister wife. But, damn, I wish I had that collar bone back.  P.S. How did we live before flat irons? That is one unfortunate hair situation.

Here's one of my favorite fashion history moments:

A baby pink Members Only/Michael Jackson 'Beat It' hybrid jacket? Yes, please. I would still rock that mess.


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I Have a Really Valid Question for This Maury Guest

Mario or Dee, maybe. But why the hell are you sleeping with dudes with names like Timboo or Black?



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Why Do We Give a Vajazzle About Raven Symone's Lady Business?

The interwebs have been accusing Raven Symone of loving on the ladies, specifically some chicky poo from America's Next Top Model. So Olivia (Cosby, duh.) took to her Twitter to speak up on the rumors. She's pretty much telling us we're in her business more than this cat.

Pic via Huffingtonpost.com

Pretty much, b is saying that she ain't saying! Which is fine. I don't need to know what Raven's lady parts are doing (or who) 24/7.

What I DO want to know is, why this mess was cancelled.

Yes, I watched this show. And I liked it. Kind of a lot.

The only other thing I want to know from Raven Symone is if she knows where Bill Cosby bought this.

I'm in love with a sweater. (That should have been the name of the T-Pain song.)


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Get The Most Out of Your Lashes, and Not Look (That) Insane

Who doesn't want long, luscious lashes straight out of a Bambi cartoon? I know I do. That ish is hot. Flower's eyelashes were the business. Who knew it was possible to be jealous of an (animal) cartoon? Don't get all crazy and b-faced about it. I've got some tips to make Flower look like ish. (Now that's just mean.)

1. Try Latisse! 

Seriously, don't be scared of this mess. I've been using Latisse for almost two years, and I'm totally into this ish. You use it initially every night for like four months or so, and then go onto the maintenance phase, where you use it a few nights a week to keep your results.

 It's prescription, so you have to get it from a doctor, or at least a medical spa. That's kind of a pain in the ass, but you can usually find decent deals on Latisse. It retails for $120, but lots of docs/spas have BOGO on it or other good discounts.

Tip: Put a drop in the cap of the bottle and dip the brush in the cap to apply. It makes it last longer, trust. I've been on the same bottle for like six months. This isn't what the directions that come with the bottle says to do, so if you eyeball falls out or something, don't sue me. I'm not a doctor, I'm dumb.

2. Line your waterlines.

Sephora Cream Liner, $10

NOTHING makes sparse lashes look more bountiful than lining your waterlines. You are probably saying, "DUBS TEE EFF is a damn waterline???" It's the inner line of your eyelid right past your eyelash line, before your actual ball. Gots it? Line those b's with a cream or gel black eyeliner, using a very thin, angled brush. I promise your lashes will look better. That ish cray!

Tip: Don't wear a ton of eyeshadow if you want your eyelashes to look longer. The more shadow you pile on, the less focus will be on the lashes.

3. Wear two different mascaras.

My down ass b mascara.

I know that this sounds weird, but just try it. If you layer two different mascaras together, lashes look more voluminous. What the what??? I like to use L'Oreal Voluminous mascara first, wait a minute, then follow with a more "lengthening" type of mascara. I like Cover Girl Lash Perfection currently for the second mascara.

Tip: Use a mascara with a plastic brush for the second mascara. It gets all of the nasty clumps out, and takes away the Tammy Faye (RIP, homegirl) spider lash look.

4. Wear falsies.

Cheap and not insane looking.

No, not in your bra. (But those are cool, too.) Fake eyelashes are the ultimate step in amping up your lashes, obvs. And they really aren't THAT hard to apply. It takes a little practice and good glue (I recommend DUO Adhesive that MAC sells.) I'll make a video on how I apply falsies soon, not that I'm a freakin' expert or anything.

Tips: Let the lash glue dry for a couple minutes before you put the falsies on. They will stay on MUCH better than if you just throw those b's on willy nilly. Truth. Also, be conservative when you pick your fakes. Don't get the biggest, craziest pair on the rack. Pretend like Jane Austen is shopping for eyelashes at CVS with you. (What does that even mean?!? WWMDT -- What Would Mr. Darcy Think?)

If you follow all of these tips, your lashes will be more on point than this:

You're welcome. (That b!)



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