Speaking of Dry Heaves

Pic via Us Weekly

Hey, Wilmer. You might want to take your tongue out of 19 year old Demi Lovato's mouth, and use it to try to get yourself some work. The last (Possibly?) paying gig I saw you in was a LMFAO music video.

I kind of feel like Wilmer Valderrama has based his life on Matthew McConaughey's character in Dazed and Confused. 

What was that gross line from the movie? 

  "That's what I like about these high school girls; I get older, they stay the same age." 

Yep, he's totally doing that.

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Let's Get This Out of the Way

Lindsay Lohan on WhoSay

This. B*tch. Lilo posted this picture over the weekend accompanied by the following tweet, "Thanks Dr. Dorfman for the zoom... My gums are so sore though!" Ummmm...no. This is what her teeth looked like last week.


Let's all just quit effing playing. Slapping some freaking Crest Whitestrips on your teefs does not wash the crackiness out. Getting your teeth whitened does not make the chips go away. You got veneers, sweetness. I'm over this lying ass! Just tell the truth. Here, I'll write your press release!

"Hey, guys! Lindsay Lohan here. Guess what? I'm so excited! After peddling my ass for Playboy, I took part of that mil and got my teeth fixed. Yep, I got veneers! Don't they look better??? Thanks for your well wishes! I've got to to morgue duty; court ordered. Peace!"

See? What that so hard?

P.S. Nice bowl full o'ciggies in the background of your picture. Pin It

And You Are? Leighton Meester Edition

Blair Waldorf would never co-host some high falutin' (Darn tootin' I said that.) party with period face. Pin It

A Halloween Hahahahah Moment

C Stodd and her gross husband, who here is dressed as an out of work 90's boy band-er who now works under the table for a moving company, were kicked out of a pumpkin patch after people complained about these two hoeing it up. (That was the longest run-on sentence ever, but you get the point.) These two rascals! With their fake sex ish! Hop over to the Daily Mail and see more of this hot ham sandwich situation. But seriously, you are at a PUMPKIN PATCH. I hope the spirit of the Great Pumpkin comes for these crazies. (No, I don't. I love them.) This. B*tch.

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Seriously, WTF is this Effery?

Oh. My. Stars. Are we double-sided taping our eyeballs now? N'thanks. Cray cray britches! (Yes, BRITCHES, you dirty heads!) Pin It

This. B.

Ol' formerly Dash face (currently cattish? face) wore this ish BOWLING the other night. Listen, I'm a ridiculous b*tch. I overdress for effing EVERYdamTHING, and even I know this is crazy as hell. Pin It

BORED.

I'm sorry, this ish looks boring as hell. Nene's fired up about being rich? Kim's talking about her fetus' wiener? Andy Cohen, get your crap together before I slap that lazy eye straight. News flash: B's watch RHW of wherever to watch trash and fighting. Not to hear about b's stock portfolios. NEXT! Pin It

Jessica Simpson is Pregnant...Or Something...

So the rags are yammering about Jessica Simpson (I always want to type "Yessica." WTF is wrong with me?) being pregnant with ol' gold digger guy's baby. If she is, or isn't, whatever. The best part of this story is the quote from the "source" given to inTouch Weekly.

“She’s already having kooky cravings!” a friend shares, especially nacho chips dipped in chocolate — “which satisfy her urge for salty and sweet” — cheese-flavored popcorn and non-alcoholic margaritas.

Now, despite the fact that there will be one more “guest” (and that “Jessica might have to take out her dress a bit”), their plans to marry in November haven’t changed.

While it’s true that not everyone would consider the timing ideal, the friend says the couple considers the baby to be “the best wedding gift ever.” Luckily, she’s not due ’til spring, leaving them just enough time to be newlyweds before new parents.

Kooky cravings? Non-alcoholic margaritas? Best wedding gift ever? If I was Yessica (eff it), I would be less pissed about my friend talking to a tabloid and more pissed that I was friends with a douche that would talk like this. "Annoying as Eff DB of the Day Award" (it's very prestigious) goes to you, anonymous source! Pin It

WTF in HAM Hell is Happening?

First I come across these pics of Lilo kissing (???) her mom that should come with a complementary vat of Lysol and radioactive-proof eye shields. Then ol' horsey Montag pops up looking CRAAAAYY-ZAAAAY! What in the overly bleached hell is happening?!? If you want to see more of this mess and you have had your swine flu vaccinations as well as your tetanus (Heh...anus...) shots, check out more of the Lohan crew over at Rumor Fix. For more of Heidi, who has obviously jumped on the train to low-rent, brokedown Anna Nicole-ville, hop on ova to TMZ.

P.S. Lohans - Think of the CHILDREN!!! That poor little boy having these people raise him. Oy vey. Pin It

Why Am I Obsessed?

What is my deal with this "girl?" I can't quit her alien-faced ass. Ugh!

P.S. YOU ARE NOT 16!!!! Pin It

Let's Talk About This Krap.

 Have you guys heard about this line the Kardashian sisters are doing for Sears? Well they had a launch party last night for said line, and they are wearing the wares. Please hop on over the the Sears website so you can view this Kardashian Kollection. Okay, are you back? Let's talk about this mess.

First of all, stop with the "K" bull ish. It's not "kute." Now let's talk about the clothes. They are pretty much what I would expect. Kind of tacky and cheap looking, okay, fine. Not too shocking. You know what is shocking the eff out of me? The frigging price!!! Take Kourtney's outfit in the picture above. The top is $96 and the skirt is $99. B's, you are out of your damn minds. Almost $200 for a SEARS OUTFIT?!?

Target has been doing successful collaborations with REAL DESIGNERS like Alexander McQueen and Zac Posen for years, and at slightly above their normal, low prices. Dresses are usually $30 to $40. And customers understand the the quality will not be the haute couture of the normal high-end designs. I really don't know where these people get off. WTF? You are turning away your Sears customers by pricing this crap so highly.

What do you guys think? Are you into these looks? What about the prices? Pin It

This. Is. Horrifying.

So you guys remember this chick, right? The supposed 16 year old that's constantly making creepy sex faces that married the old dude from Green Mile? Well, it gets grosser. You have GOT to read her twitter. This crap is highly disturbing coming from a "16 year old girl." I feel all kinds of illegal right now. Pin It

I Just Can't.

There are so many reasons that this is sad.

via buzzfeed Pin It

Listen, Biebs. I Think YOU Have Bieber Fever.

This ish is getting ridiculous. Who is Justin Bieber's stylist? Me circa 1997? And listen, honey, I love lesbians. But you are seriously toeing the line into Lesbionic town here. You are wearing onyx stud earrings and a sweater I SWEAR I bought on clearance from Contempo Casual in 10th grade. No mf-ing cute. (Unless it is, in fact, 1997.) Pin It

Hold Me. I'm Scared.

Seriously, WTF is this? This is Michaele Salahi of RHWoDC, and White House party crashing fame. I have no words. Except maybe sit the eff down, madame.

P.S. The dude performing with her is DJ UPS. Yep. This is really happening. Pin It

Listen, Ke(I wish I had a cents sign on my keyboard)ha...

Nude hosiery are not a substitute for pants. Not even on the fence about this one. Even Lindsay Lohan is all, "Bitch, please." on this.

P.S. I can see too much. Things that can't be unseen. Pin It

Ummm...Al?

I'm pretty sure you rolled up a dinner napkin and tied it around your head and wore it to the Tony Awards. Is that what is happening here? This is like when I was a kid and I tied a bandana like a sling and acted like my arm was broken. I feel crazy in my brains right now. I need a Fruit Roll Up and a nap.

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I know I'm old, but daaayum.

What exactly is cute about this? I feel like I'm having a flashback. Of this.

 

You're headed down a slippery slope, Biebs.

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