GUUUUUURL of the Day: That B, Sandy

Update: Sandy really is a b*tch. I hope all of the NYC-er's are safe and sound. It looks scary as hell up there! I'm thinking about you, boos.

pic via nydailynews

Hurricanes are a mutha effin' pain in the ass, aren't they? I've lived in FL my entire life, so trust, I know. And this Sandy trick is no joke. So all of you people in her path be careful, you hear me? Everytime I hear Hurricane Sandy, I picture this in my head:

For those of you that are under 30, you probably don't recognize this Sandy. This is Sandy Duncan, actress of the 80's and before, that I had always known to have a glass eye. It was a much talked about/fodder for annoying 80's comics kind of deal. WHICH I found out when researching just now (Shut up. I read ish sometimes.) ISN'T EVEN TRUE. She is blind in one eye, but that puppy is au naturale. I feel like my childhood was a lie.

I know Sandy Duncan from the show Valerie, which became the show Valorie's Family: The Hogans, which became The Hogans. Damn, that's a torrid show title history. But really, I remember the show because it starred Jason Bateman as one of the sons.

That's him, on the left.

When Jason Bateman's career had an initial resurgence a few years ago, I was like, "That's the dude from the show with the lady with the glass eye!"



Wow. The 80's were a helluva thing, weren't they?

P.S. You don't have to thank me for spending precious minutes of your life with this rambling, nonsensical mess. Sandy's (the hurricane) is a b face. I'm done.


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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Keanu Reeves' Turrible, Turrible Facial Hair

pic via celebitchy

Keanu Reeves is a hot ho, but homeboy is pushing the damn limits in this b. That facial hair looks like he shaved a nutria and glued its hair on his face, and not even particularly well. That ish is NOT an effin' complement.

I haven't seen a beard this bad since Justin Timberlake's neckbeard of circa '07.

That crap made rage boil inside my veins. Don't look surprised, Timberlake. You know you look like a friggin' asshat. Gross beards are the Devil's playground, and that is my public service announcement for dudes that are fighting the hot. Clean it up, fellas. Not. Cute. And for that, Keanu, you and your old timey hobo beard are the GUUUURL of the day.

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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Atreyu From The Neverending Story All Growed Up

pic via buzzfeed

You w's know that The Neverending Story is my perpetual jam. So I'm going to make this little ditty fast, because I went to a spin class (Shut up, I do stuff sometimes.) and I have actually take a shower. Being a grown up can suck it, seriously. Anyway, the cat with the chunky highlight and the gun show is (kind of) current day kid that played Atreyu TNS. Yep. There he is. Mmmmkay.

In other news, I hope he got to keep that sweet, sweet snake pendant necklace. I've been trying to buy one like that for like 20 years. And you know he kept that tunic and still wears it. I can see it in his arched eyebrow.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Lindsay Lohan's Poly Sci Tweets

The debate was last night, as you might've known if you want to watch 2 Broke Girls, or whatever, and were totally c-blocked. I love to go on Twitter during the Presidential debates because people get all fired up and ish and it gets super crazy. Little did I know that I was in for a wonderful assault on my eyes and brain, from ol' reliable -- Lindsay Lohan. Here's how it started:

B, what the eff are you talking about? Are you debating a ho? (In case it's not clear, the answer is no.) Why are you nervous? Then came this:

I'm sure that Bill Maher wants to message back and forth with you on your political thought/random nervousness, Lilo. And why did you take the "o" out of God? What is happening here? Well, finally the debate is over, and this pops up:

Oh, she's relieved it's over. EVEN MORE SO THAN THE FRIGGIN' PEOPLE IN THE ACTUAL DEBATE. I can't even with you right now, Lindsay Lohan. This is what it's like following this person on Twitter.

via unitedstatesoftony

And for that, Lindsay, you and your ridiculous political tweets are the GUUUURL of the day.

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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Eva Longoria's Ex-Dude Tattoos

pic via tmz

Eva Longoria has been divorced from that Tony Parker dude for a while now. So she's apparently getting her THREE tattoos that are dedicated to his ass lasered off, which seems like a good idea. One is even allegedly near/on/in close proximity to her lady business/swimsuit area. So here's the thing, E Long. One should probably not get a gentleman's name tattooed on any no-no spot. If that mess doesn't work out -- which it did not in this case -- that's just a sticky-icky sitch down there. (Gross. Sorry.) How are you supposed to get on with your life, and read your book club book in the tub or whatever, when you keep seeing ol' guv'nor's name all up in your place?

So ladies, (I'm looking at you, too, Angie Jolie. BILLY BOB THORNTON? Really?) can we please stop tattooing guys' names on our flowery bits? If you're feeling crazy, go vajazzle yourself until your heart's content. And for that, Eva, you and your ex-man tattoos are the GUUUURL of the day.




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Guuuurl of the Day: J Bieb's Pants

I have to say that I have never seen an episode of Dancing with the Stars. I usually feel all, "What stars?" about it. (Yep, I'm one of THOSE a-holes.) But I am currently out of town and visiting my in-laws for the week, and they are super into the show. So I saw an episode last night, and someone (thing) totally stole the show. The Biebs was there to do a "live" performance (Ha!) and this is what he was wearing.

He looks like he re-purposed Missy Elliot's black garbage bag deal from The Rain video.

 You're going to have to come a hell of a lot more original than that ish, Justi-poo. Oh, but don't worry -- I've been getting screen grabs all morning so we can all stare right into the face of the devil's pantaloons.

Are you guys dying over this ish? A DROPPED CROTCH LEATHER PANT (OR POSSIBLE ONESIE) HAS NO PLACE ON A MAN'S (Hahaha. I couldn't even keep it together on that one.) BODY. And for that, you and your pants are the GUUUURL of the day.



P.S. Just bring your dad next time.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Amanda Bynes Edition

pics via Buzz Feed

This person is ALLEGEDLY Amanda Bynes. But I hope somebody's birth certificate was stolen, or something, because this is freaking me the eff out. SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON HERE, PEOPLE. Boo boo is looking hella disoriented, skinny as a mofo, and in danger of having extreme follicular damage to that rug if some V05 Hot Oil doesn't jump up on that scalp real quick. Let it holler at you, girl. Let it holler. Not to mention, she's rocking the hell out of a SCRUNCHIE. There's no need for anymore exhibits; case closed. Seriously, tweet me if you need a place to rest your weary head, sweetness. Let's reboot.

And that's why Amanda Bynes gets the GUUUUUURL of the day.



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