And Mischa Barton Makes an Amazing Comeback! (Not.)

Because nothing says, "I'm back b's, and I've TOTALLY got my ish together!" like putting on a panda head and faux making out with another panda head. Why you gotta bring ol' Louis Armstrong into this mess???


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Lisa Turtle is Totally Stressing Me Out, You Guys.

Lisa Turtle (WTF kind of last name is that, anyway, Saved by the Bell writers???) A.K.A. Lark Voorhies (a forever sexual name) did a little interview with OMG Yahoo about what she's been up to in recent years. Here it is.

Ummm, I need to have Lark's email, cell phone, and home address info. I'm worried about her. Something doesn't look right. And I mean that without snark. What's up, Larkie poo? Here's a comparison if you hadn't seen her since she went to the toga party and wrecked her mom's car:

Pic via US Weekly

She just looks so...different. But, upon further review, I think I MIGHT have an inkling of what's going on. In the picture on the left, you can see a light spot on her forehead, near her hairline. I suspect that Lark might have vitiligo (what Michael Jackson allegedly had that lightened his skin). So, she might have a quite uneven skin tone now on most of her face. But the rest of her body looks unaffected.

Ugh, I don't know. All I know is whatever the case may be, we need to work on that hair and makeup situation, STAT.

We can fix this! It takes a village to help a cray beauty situation, but I've got you, L. Turts.




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Have Crap, Will Travel

I went on a trip this past weekend, because I'm a baller (I'm totally not), and I was reminded just how much it sucks to travel when it comes to beauty products. My husband was all, "We'll only be gone a couple days, let's just do carry on luggage." He promptly got this reaction:



Mens (and parents -- thanks Fresh Prince) just don't understand. You can't do carry on, because you're limited to like 1.5 liquid items, or whatever, and they have to be -0.9238438 oz or something and fit in a plastic bag the size of a thimble. (I'm not googling that info. Lazy ride or die, all day, 'err day.) My husband acted like I was crazy in the brains, because b uses a bar of Irish Spring and ish as his only beauty item. Whatevs, I'm high maintenance...Have we met?

So, I'm back, and thinking about what I SHOULD have brought with me.

My Mom just gave me this badass Romancing the Glow palette from tarte. (QVC, for $39.98) It's a perfect traveler -- not this kind, but still:
 


But it's got six eyeshadow shades, a big blush, bronzer, and a highlighter. Plus, it's got the amazonian clay goodness in it, mmmkay? My mom totally gets me.

I also did not bring my L'Oreal EverCreme Cleansing Conditioner (Amazon, about $6), even though it would have saved me a lot of space in my suitcase. My head is mostly used for a hat rack. What can I say? I love this ish, and it has one of those pumps on top that lock, so it's pretty spill-proof.

Urban Decay's 24/7 Eye Pencil in Perversion (Sephora, $19) is pretty, pretty good. It stays the hell on, through A LOT, including falling asleep on your seat neighbor's shoulder on the plane (all without smearing). And it's as black tar! (Which is a good thing, if you're wondering.) My only complaint on this b is that I wish it was not a pencil you had to sharpen. Make it in a click-up pencil. I beg of you!

Those are my picks for travel! (Still going to check my bags, I'm not a vagrant.)

Do you guys have any travel favorites? Share with a b!



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Happy Mother's Day From C Stodd

Hot Stoddy, you are so thoughtful! A fishnet tube dress, mullet-ish hair, and boobies pushed up towards the heavens are just what moms want. I can't wait until her armband line comes out (you know it will). I will totally squeeze my stubby little b's into one.

Happy Mother's Day!

P.S. Nice armoire. Too bad mine is cooler.

As if. I wish I had that mess. And a kid like Chip.




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Go, girl! (Yes, I just said "Go, girl." What do you want from me? I'm old.)

 I've never really had an opinion one way or the other regarding AnnaLynne McCord of (new) 90210 fame. In fact, I had to google her name like three times to figure out how to spell her damn name properly. This is how I'm used to 90210:

I prefer my 90210 with a heaping lot of Brenda, with a side of OOOOOONdrea Zuckerman. But ALMC recently tweeted a bare-faced pic of herself:

And I have to say, kudos to you, kiddo. Or KADOOZE as Real Housewife Ramona Singer would say.



I'm over celebs tweeting photos with flawless bare skin, and rubbing in all of our average faces. Like, we get it people, you are flawless. Great. I already hate myself enough. What more do you want from me? So I give uber points to ALMC for showing her real face, even if that includes a little uneven skintone LIKE AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING.

So to you, ALMC, I say, "Go, girl!"


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"Young lady, you better wipe that puss off of your face right this instant!"

Okay, I just kind of wanted to use that phrase, because I am forever 12. Don't believe me?

This is what I'm wearing on my hand right now. I seriously hate myself. Anyway, enough about me. Let's ish on someone else for a while, shall we?

In case you have caught yourself unaware (How dare you?!?!?), this is Lana del Rey at last night's Met Gala. She is a (kind of ) indie singer, that people like to hate on. I ACTUALLY like this b, but come on, kitten. Is life so hard? YOU ARE AT AN EFFING PARTY, SWEETS. And you're wearing a badass cape. Do you know how much I wish I were wearing a cape right now? And sparkly other crap?

I'm wearing yoga pants and a damn child's bow ring. And I'm in my thirties. Buck up, kid. You've got it pretty good.

And you're pretty. So take your freakin' crabby pants off. Maybe try yoga pants. Them b's is comfy!

P.S. Whaddup to Natalie Portman's peplum-ed out face twin behind you. I see you, b!


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An Epic Battle: Zack Morris' Cell Phone VS AC Slater's Pleated Pants

After seeing Mr. Belding on Mad Men this week, I started thinking.

Whaddup, Mr. B? Where's Miss Bliss?

What was more awesome(er): Zack Morris' 10381093810298 lb cell phone? Or Slater's pleated to hell and back pants? Let's have a little refresher.

First, the phone:

The early years

What the what? Is that an effing flip phone???

"What's up, Preppy? Check these guns!"

Now, that's just adorbs.

But, I don't know, you guys. These pants just won't quit:

This. Is. Weird.

This entire look is sexy. (Call the police, I think he's 13 here.)

Z Cavariccis never looked so olive-y!

Wow. These are the pants version of that double-velcro Reebok high top we wore. (Don't front like you didn't.)

So what's better? Zack's uber techo savvy phone? Or Slater's fashion forward bottom wear?

Duh. The pants win. DID YOU SEE THE LAST PICTURE?!?!? Plus, there's this:

Bonus points for Lisa's hair.

 P.S. Was this the "Jessie's addicted to effing CAFFEINE PILLS" episode? Oh, 90's. You were such a card.



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