Uh Huh, This My Ish. (Hollaback Girl)

I'm a bit (a lot) of a product w when it comes to haircare products. I can pretty much never, ever stick with one shampoo and conditioner combo. I like to have a Great Wall of China in my shower -- you get the idea. But I was forced to pare down my army of products and bring only one of each because I am traveling right now. (Why is life so effing hard?!?!) I have a sudden epiphany, you guys. I totally have a favorite shampoo and conditioner, and I didn't even realize it.

Alterna Caviar Anti-Aging Shampoo & Conditioner

This stuff is my total ish right now. While I was packing, it came to me that I have really only been using my Alterna Anti-Aging Seasilk Moisturizing Shampoo and Conditioner. The Alterna peeps sent this to me a while back to try, and I immediately added it to my all star shower lineup. I have been an Alterna fan for several years, starting with the Life line. That was my hardcore jam for a hot, hot minute.

I was worried that my hair would be weighed down or greasy with this combo, because my scalp is an effing oil rig, but they are very light. I've been using them/loving them more and more. I will totally be buying these puppies when I run out.

Now I have to go because I am typing this in the car somewhere in rural Georgia, and if I don't stop I will be vomiting at any moment. You are welcome for ending on that imagery. Sorry. Think about unicorns jumping over rainbows with koala bears in bow ties riding on their backs.

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Guuuurl of the Day: J Bieb's Pants

I have to say that I have never seen an episode of Dancing with the Stars. I usually feel all, "What stars?" about it. (Yep, I'm one of THOSE a-holes.) But I am currently out of town and visiting my in-laws for the week, and they are super into the show. So I saw an episode last night, and someone (thing) totally stole the show. The Biebs was there to do a "live" performance (Ha!) and this is what he was wearing.

He looks like he re-purposed Missy Elliot's black garbage bag deal from The Rain video.

 You're going to have to come a hell of a lot more original than that ish, Justi-poo. Oh, but don't worry -- I've been getting screen grabs all morning so we can all stare right into the face of the devil's pantaloons.

Are you guys dying over this ish? A DROPPED CROTCH LEATHER PANT (OR POSSIBLE ONESIE) HAS NO PLACE ON A MAN'S (Hahaha. I couldn't even keep it together on that one.) BODY. And for that, you and your pants are the GUUUURL of the day.



P.S. Just bring your dad next time.



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There Was a 25th Anniversary Full House Reunion (AKA Damn, It Feels Old to be a Gangsta)

Well, minus the Olsen twins -- of course. (How rude!) But Kimmy Gibbler's annoying ass was there, and even Steve (Aladdin's voice dude) came. Not to mention, all the mens have matching sunglasses (cute!) except for Stamos, because that ho is waaay to hot to cover that mug.

I need Aunt Becky's anti-aging secrets, because b looks good as hell. And who would've thought that Candace Cameron would be the one to turn out to be a stone cold fox?

pics via DJ Tanner's twitter


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The Horrible Pitfalls of Coming of Age in the 90's

I turned 18 in the year of 1999, or the year of the partying Prince (or Prince symbol thing at the time) song. I feel like no matter what decade you are a teenager, there is always some super embarrassing/hazardous pictures of your horrid-ness floating around. But because I was a young whippersnapper in the 90's, I had to suffer through a sh*tload of grossness that I did to myself, and now think WTF kind of effery did I do to myself???

#1 Tramp Stamps -- Let's just go ahead and get the worst, most permanent thing out of the way. Not a lot of people (even close friends) know this about me, but I'm putting this mess all on front street for the enjoyment of strangers. Yikes. On my 18th birthday, I got a tramp stamp. And it's a butterfly. ( I EFFING KNOW, YOU GUYS.)

My underwear indentations aren't exactly helping the sitch, either. In my defense, there was no such thing as a tramp stamp in 1999. But children of the world, please take this into consideration. Don't get a tattoo on yo' damn 18th birthday, like a dummy. A butterfly is not cute over a 30 something's ass crack. Mmmmkay?

#2 Horrible Lifelong Photos of Memorable Occasions -- I also had a pretty horrible prom dress, you guys. Crushed velvet leopard print?

Don't forge to rest your eyes on those luxurious, mile-long acrylic nails while you're at it. Not pictured -- a chunky-heeled, strappy, GLITTERED black dress sandal. Hang it up, style queens. You've got nothing on this hotness.

#4 Pubescent Before Flat Irons -- Imagine growing up in the Florida humidity without the invention of flat irons. They didn't come out until I was in friggin' college. AND I had bangs for a large portion of my life.

I look like damn Doris Day or some crap. And let's not even bring up my Donna Martin-esque outfit. I don't even know if I owned a hair dryer at this point in my life. And that's also about the last time I saw my natural hair color.

#5 The "Platinum Playboy" Look Was Cool (to Me) -- I had (white) platinum blonde hair, a dangle belly button ring, and acrylic french manicured nails.

Oh, and a ridiculous amount of crop tops. That's a lot time investment in ab work, people. Probably using an ab roller. And a thigh master worked in, somehow.

What kind of grossness did you guys go through when you were in your teen years? Please tell me it wasn't as horrible as my ish. Impossible.






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Breaking News: Jennifer Lawrence is the Most Charming/Adorable Human

I mean, seriously. I liked it so much, I want to put a BFF charm on it.


video via buzzfeed


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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

pic via allure

In this week's Allure blog, I take the grossness that is football and the loveliness that are snacks and combine somehow into a DIY beauty post. Go check it out here.



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Never Gonna Get It: Expensive Beauty Mofos That I Covet, But Will Never Own

I want A LOT of crap. Like, I fu'real have a bookmark folder on my computer entitled "Stuff I Want" that contains links to a ton of ish that I will never, ever own -- dammit. (Umm hmmm, that's right.) But I'm not anything, if not a real ass b. I know my limitations. I am not going to buy a damn thing on this list, because all this mess is too expensive.

P.S. If you own any of these items, I will flood your Twitter account with a million Emoji sad face icons.

#1 -- Botox Uggggh. I love Botox so much. Nothing makes a girl happier than a taut ass forehead, although the paralytics in the Botox I want so badly wouldn't allow you to detect my surprise and delight. I would most likely look like an insane cat-faced lady if it weren't for my tiny, tiny bank account. Be thankful, anyone with the gift of sight. Be thankful.

pic via nordstrom

#2 -- Mason Pearson Brush ($170, Norstrom) Only HBICs can use this b. This puppy is supposed to stimulate your scalp and distribute your natural oils. (That sounds mighty, mighty [Bosstones] gross.) I have obvs never used this magical brush, but it must be badass if it costs almost $200, right? It must be made from baby Leprechaun teeth or something.

pic via tracie martyn

#3 -- Tracie Martyn Shakti Resculpting Body Cream ($155, Tracie Martyn) I would pay one million doll hairs if it would eradicate my cellulite-y legs. Word on the beauty street is that this lotion is the boss sauce when it comes to getting rid of cellulite. Can I get a sponsor, like Little League baseball teams do,  to chip in and buy this mess for me? Yeah, didn't think so. Keep supporting children's activities, people. Selfish.

pic via oribe

#4 -- Oribe Aprés Beach Wave and Shine Spray ($35, Oribe) Okay, so $35 isn't INSANE for hair product, but for a styling product it's just not essential. It's not going to iron your clothes, or anything. (Do people still do that? That's what dryers are for.) I have been dying to try this products for a hot ass minute now, because there are a lot of great "beachy waves" products out there, but when you add shine?!? That ish sounds like a game changer, Zelda style.

pic via sephora

#5 -- Amika 4 Piece Interchangeable Barrel Curler Set ($175, Sephora) I have talked about this beast before, but I just can't get the damn thing off my mind grapes. YOU GUYS. YOU CAN CHANGE THE BARREL SIZE. This ish sounds incredible -- I can't even handle it. Plus, it has a five star rating on Sephora. That mess doesn't just happen every day of the week. You know it's the good good.

Do you guys have any beauty items that you are coveting? Do you want to form a En Vogue cover band with me? You must have your own set of long satin gloves -- only requirement.





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