What the WHAT??? I AM ALLURE'S BEAUTY BLOGGER OF THE YEAR!!!

I'm sorry if I annoyed you with my Kanye yelling CAPS, but if ever there were a time they were acceptable, THIS IS IT! (Sorry! I can't stop!)

I really can't thank everyone enough that supported me, voted on me, and the like. I love all my b's! And I'm so shocked and nervous, I could vom all over the Teacups ride today.

Once again, thanks to Allure and Revlon, and YYYYAAAAAAAYYYYY!

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Kan-Yeezy's New Kicks

Okay, I was trying, obvs unsuccessfully, to be cool with that headline. Sigh. This is Kanye West's new Nike sneaker (Is that what you say? It sounds like an old person to me.) called the Nike Air Yeezy II. I'm sure that mostly chicks are reading this, so most of us will not be wearing these. Or perhaps you will, I'm not up in your dude-shoe-wearing bizz like that.

Is it me being old, or do these look dangerous? I feel like I would be ripping the ish out of my car interior and such with that spiked mess. The back of these things are very reminiscent of this:

And if you don't recognize Cera from The Land Before Time, I bid you "Good day!" Slap yourself across the face with a pair of white gloves, and go to Blockbuster. (Too soon?)

Are you guys into these shoes? If you were a dude (or yourself) would you wear them?



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Get Your Pitchforks Greased and Ready for Me

On second thought, that was a terrible choice of imagery for this post, given the topic. I have to tell you guys something, and it's going to piss some of you off. Here goes:

I kind of hate Fifty Shades of Grey.

Let me say this first. (Ugh, I originally typed "fist.") If anyone in my family is reading what I've typed right now, please go away. This is not for you, Aunt Sally or Gam Gam. (I have changed their names, because clearly they would want me to.)

Now that it's just us dirty-minded w's, can we get real? These books are not good. Was the sex part pretty good at the beginning? Sure, fine. But after the 293487039284 tryst, we gots it. You guys like doing each other and stuff. SMOLDERING!!!! And full disclosure -- I'm only halfway through the second book. So maybe alien abduction or something awesome is going to happen soon. But if not, I must say: Can a b get a plot up in here?

I swear the first book was sponsored by the word "bodywash." And when's the last time you saw a crazy hot dude with copper hair and gray eyes? If this is really a fan fiction book about Carrot Top, I will freak the eff out. How is this going to be a movie? I don't see how. You can only show so many "circling thumbs" before you get a NC-17 rating.

Okay, I'm done. I will attempt to read the rest of the books, and swallow (heh) my pride.

Am I wrong, guys? Do you hate me now?


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Breaking News: Britney Spears Looks Super Hot

Pic via Daily Mail

The worst kept secret in the world is my huge love for Mizzz Britney Spears. I love this b. Crazy, sane, Cheeto-stained fingers, mama no care. This is my homegirl for life. So I'm proud to say that my girl is looking guuuuuuurd thanks to the X Factor. I even have those shoes, but mine aren't YSL, they are, ahem, Baker's. Yep, Baker's.

You know if she was sitting at home she's be in frappuccino spotted sweats and a tank top, sans bra. (P.S. The girl are looking "freshened up," no?) So I'm excited for Brit Brit, even if I don't watch this show. I wish I could do a long ass soak off of those french manicured acrylics, but beggars can't be choosers.

Keep it going, honey boo boo!



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What Would Ariel Buy?

Let me break it down for you: When I was a kid, I freakin' loved Ariel from The Little Mermaid.

Still a hot b.

I wanted to be Ariel with BLONDE hair, though of course. (Because I had blonde hair, natch.) I even once almost drowned (slightly dramatized version) in my pool because I was trying to swim like a damn mermaid with one of those stupid dive rings you play with in the pool around my feet. I was/am a terrible combination of imaginative and kind of dumb.

I am still, today, a little obsessed with Ariel. I have told you guys before that I love a gorge ginger, and this b is the epitome of the hot ginger chick (with a fish tail no less). So I started thinking, if Ariel was a real person, and lived in current times, what would she like? Sidebar -- When the eff was The Little Mermaid supposed to take place? The mess could have been anywhere between 1634 and 1920.

Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray, $24

Of course Ariel (person version) would totally be into beachy waves. And this Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray has actual salt water in it.

Lancome Color Design 5 Shadow & Liner Palette in Amethyst Glam, $49

A good purple shadow looks great on almost anyone, and we know that this color is great on Ariel, because, duh, her boob shells are purple. I own this palette, and the she's a beaut, Clark. It has a great shimmer level (not circa '97 levels of glitter), and blends very easily.

Trident Earring from Etsy, $40

If our modern-day Ariel were cool and even a little bit hipster-y, she would wear the hell out of this trident duster earring. And I think she would be. She liked shiny crap, and was possibly the world's first ever hoarder. Someone needs to buy this badass thing immediately, take pictures of themselves wearing it, email me the picture, and then I can hate you forever. I just like to hate people, like for fun.

Nars Body Glow, $59

Listen, when Ariel had legs, they were some badass gams, see? (read that in a 20's gangster voice) To keep those things looking spicy, I think that homegirl would appreciate a little glow on her skin. On the real, I haven't tried this ish, because it's freakin' $59, and I'm poor. But doesn't it just look like hot sex?

Local Celebrity Seashell Skinny Tank, $46

I mean, come the hell on. There are seashells. On a tank top.

Too Faced Full Bloom Lip & Cheek Color in Prim & Poppy Coral, $21

Ariel is used to living Unda da Sea, where everything's wetter...and you probably don't wear makeup. So she would totally benefit from using a product that has dual uses and is super easy to put on, like this creamy blush/lip combo from Too Faced.

What do you guys think? Would Ariel use all this ish? Or would Scuttle like it all...To poop on!

This dog said I'm a dumbass.


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The "What's It Like?" Chronicles: Botox Edition

Listen, I know that (ideally) I should be all, "Everyone be natural! Don't wear makeup or get cosmetic surgery! That's all for the birds!" (What the eff does that mean, anyway?) But that ain't me, babe. No, no, no. It ain't me, babe. (Sorry, just a little Johnny Cash break.)

I LIKE to have fake stuff. I know, it's not the best attitude to have. And I wish I wasn't this way! I'm horrible; what can I say? I've had plastic surgery (more on that another time), I like to use crap like Latisse and wear fake eyelashes, and fake hair...And I've had Botox. Twice!

Could have used a needle poke, non?

You see, my 'regular face' kind of looks like a 'b face' and I scowl a lot. I'm a real peach, obvs. And I have to say, that I really liked not having wrinkles in my forehead. Is it vain? Yes. But, whatevs. It is what it is. (I'm dying to get more, BTW.)

So what's it like to get your face stuck with needles full of paralyzing fluids??? It ain't that bad, b's! Here's the realness:

• It doesn't really hurt, not badly, anyway. It's just a little stick, not nearly as bad as getting a shot. The weirdest part is when the needle goes through your skin, it makes a 'crunching' sound. I'm not a scientist, I don't know why. It's creepy.
• It doesn't work immediately; it takes a day or two to really take effect.
• You don't get as many headaches for some reason. (Can you tell I really am up on my facts??? Sigh. I am perhaps THE worst.)
• It lasts about three months or so. 

I won't pretend like it's all kittens pooping Skittle rainbows. I have seen some people looking jacked up from Botox mess ups. Droopy eyes, frozen faces, the whole deal. So do proceed with caution, and pick a good and trustworthy doc if this is the frown-less road on which you would like to proceed.

And to all of the women out there that don't give two effs about getting wrinkles and ish, I have mad, mad respect for you. I wish I liked myself as much, trust! But until then, I'm trying to get my face to look permanently like this:

Minus those eye bags, of course. Come on, girl. Get that ish tight.


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I Don't Think I'm Ready (For This Jelly)

I was walking around the mall the other day, because I'm old and that's what old people do, when I came across these gems:

What the eff, guys? Are we REALLY doing this again? Not that these earrings weren't my ride or die Claire's favorites back in the day, but daaaayyyyumn. I also came across a pack of scrunchies. I'm stressed. Will I be waking up some time in the near future wearing this again?

Yes, I am that b.

I don't know if I have that kind of money in my balloon budget.

Or, perhaps this is in my future (again):

Limited, Too was my jam.

I look like a sister wife. But, damn, I wish I had that collar bone back.  P.S. How did we live before flat irons? That is one unfortunate hair situation.

Here's one of my favorite fashion history moments:

A baby pink Members Only/Michael Jackson 'Beat It' hybrid jacket? Yes, please. I would still rock that mess.


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