We're All Getting Old: Part 20394823098

So, remember American Pie? Yeah, I was in high school. All young and, a-hem, innocent. Well apparently, there is something called American Reunion coming out, with the original American Pie cast.

I mean sh*t. Tara Reid has a mf'ing blazer on, and that b is a HAM (hot ass mess) sandwich. I'm old. They're old. WTF is happening? My bones ache. Get me some damn Ben Gay or Tiger Balm or some ish. Pin It

What Kind of Effery Happened Last Night?

I hate the VMA's. That ish is boring. I literally caught 2.3 seconds. This is what I saw.

Is this what we are doing now? Too. Much. Bitch couldn't even walk with that ish on her head.

Listen, Biebs. You have left butch lesbian and are starting to look lipstick. You are wearing a friggin' YSL BROACH for God's sake!!! This crap is getting ridiculous. I don't even know what is happening. You are one step away from looking like Betty White. Pin It

Hey, Katy?

 

Quit fighting the hot, honey. You can start by borrowing my bottle of hair dye. See you at Sally's! Pin It

This. Is. Horrifying.

So you guys remember this chick, right? The supposed 16 year old that's constantly making creepy sex faces that married the old dude from Green Mile? Well, it gets grosser. You have GOT to read her twitter. This crap is highly disturbing coming from a "16 year old girl." I feel all kinds of illegal right now. Pin It

Get Ready to Feel Old as Eff: Part 198430918

This b is pregnant. (Not like, here in this picture. Don't be gross!)

Hilary Duff announced her pregnancy via her website. Now let's all just pour a little out for our homies that were her big veneers. (Remember that??? Then like a week later she filed them down?) Pop bottles.

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Just an FYI

Ali Lohan is now a real, professional, represented model.

P.S. She is 17. Yes, that's a one in front of the seven. Yep.


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I Just Can't.

There are so many reasons that this is sad.

via buzzfeed Pin It

I Have a Confession.

 

I love this bitch. I feel like Brenda Walsh was my life mentor from a young, impressionable time in my childhood. I would like to blame Brenda/Shannen for my c-face. So, with this in mind, I am so freaking excited. Shannen Doherty has a reality show coming out! (Don't ask me when or where, I'm too lazy to actually do some research. Pashaw!) And it's about her impending 3rd (or something) marriage! (Don't roll your eyes!) And if you don't share my everlasting love for Brenda/Shannen (Yes, I feel like they are very similar. Remember all of her shenanigans?!?! No? Just me? I'm old? Okay.) This will change your mind.

Just look at that stone-cold shade she is throwing at that dumb Kelly Taylor! Yes!!!!

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True Blood Musings: Eric + Sookie Edition (Boo Bill!)

 See, b's? I'm already updating. In your face! I actually googled Debbie Pelt because I wanted to point out how I still don't trust that w, but Lafayette came up instead. Hey, it's cool with me. Let's do it.

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Listen, Biebs. I Think YOU Have Bieber Fever.

This ish is getting ridiculous. Who is Justin Bieber's stylist? Me circa 1997? And listen, honey, I love lesbians. But you are seriously toeing the line into Lesbionic town here. You are wearing onyx stud earrings and a sweater I SWEAR I bought on clearance from Contempo Casual in 10th grade. No mf-ing cute. (Unless it is, in fact, 1997.) Pin It

Do We Really Care About an X-Ray of a Kardashian Ass???

So, Kim Kardashian x-rayed her butt to show that it's real. Okay...Seriously, when is this crap going to be over with? I might have a KKKKKKKK Kardashian-induced breakdown. Why does anyone care about these people? For f's sake! And I'm talking about these d-bags. I'm adding fuel to their fame w-ing fire, aren't I??? Crap. Pin It

Listen, Ke(I wish I had a cents sign on my keyboard)ha...

Nude hosiery are not a substitute for pants. Not even on the fence about this one. Even Lindsay Lohan is all, "Bitch, please." on this.

P.S. I can see too much. Things that can't be unseen. Pin It

Ummm...Al?

I'm pretty sure you rolled up a dinner napkin and tied it around your head and wore it to the Tony Awards. Is that what is happening here? This is like when I was a kid and I tied a bandana like a sling and acted like my arm was broken. I feel crazy in my brains right now. I need a Fruit Roll Up and a nap.

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Judge Judy is my favorite human.

If you don't watch J.J., you are so dumb. I CANNOT get enough of Judge Judy. She is the sunlight of my life. I know that the average age of her viewing audience is 72 (I made that up, don't google that ish. Nerd.), but this crap is ridiculously entertaining. I know you are probably too busy watching "The Hills" (Shoutout to 2007!) or some mess, but you are missing gems of people like these.

See? You life is already 10-12% better. But the best thing about J.J. is her sassy pants attitude.

You can't tell me you aren't in love. That sensible frosted and banged bob, the same shade of lipstick everyday...Adorable! If you aren't out buying an "Um is not an answer" t-shirt right now, I don't know you anymore. Pin It

Grab yourself a bag of Werther's, because Dakota Fanning graduated.

Yes, from HIGH SCHOOL. Thank God I'm botoxed, or my forehead would be displaying my displeasure in how freaking old I am. What's next? Did Jonathan Lipnicki graduate from med school? (Crap, I just googled him. That b is 20! 20 years old!)

I still feel like I'm of an age where it's appropriate to wear my Express faux-snakeskin pleather pants that hit right at the bellybutton and a choker. And perhaps a chunky heel. And dance to Montell Jordan.

 If you hate yourself and want to feel ancient, here's the story from  USA Today. Pin It