Fake Your Way to a Knocked Up Glow

We all know by now that the Duchess of somewhere (formerly common-type lady known as Kate Middleton) is pregnant with the royalest royal baby that's ever royaled. Sidebar: What if it comes out all ginger-y and Prince Harry like? Wouldn't that be awesome? Okay, I'm getting off track. Pregnant ladies are known for having that lovely ass glow of life, or something. But what about for people like me, who will probably never have a kid-in-the-uterus type situation happening? I'm more of the "fly solo around the world and die alone" type. (Possibly RIP, Ameila Erhardt.) Don't cry for me, Argentina, it's just my personality. I'd rather read 2.7 million books alone. (I had a sh*t ton of Book It free personal pan pizzas racked up when I was a kid.) Luckily, I have pawed through a lot of beauty products to MANUFACTURE THE GLOW. 

tarte amazonian clay blush in natural beauty, $25 & nars blush in orgasm, $28

I have found a beast of a combo when it comes to glowing cheeks. I start with tarte's amazonian clay blush (I use the color Natural Beauty, but you can do whatever rocks your ish.) for staying power. NOTHING stays on my oily mug like this blush does. Then I like to top it off with Nars blush in Orgasm, to give the cheeks a little shimmer and glow.

chanel's lucky stripes iridescent powder, $95 & physician's formula pearls of perfection, about $13

If you are looking for an all over face glow, I have found two great products at opposite ends of the rich b*tch scale. I was given the Chanel Lucky Stripes sometime/somewhere, and have found it to be quite friggin' delightful. I find myself using it when I want to be all glowy-faced and a pretty, pretty princess. But let's be real -- ish is expensive. If you are a little lighter in the pocketbook (I'm looking at myself), then the Physician's Formula Pearls of Perfection is a little more realistic. It's not AS great as the Chanel powder, but it's pretty damn good for a drugstore product, so don't cry over it and sh*t.

davine's nounou illuminating conditioner, $22.50 at drugstore.com

What about pregnant lady hair? I've always heard that they have great hair days, like for nine months. Must be hormones. Freaking science, man. I have been loving davine's Nounou Illuminating Conditioner to keep my hair looking flossy, lately. It's super gentle, and moisturizes hair without being heavy and gross.

Now don't be offended if people ask if you're expecting. It's not your empire-waited top, it's your gorgeous ass glow. Glow worms have nothing on you, boo!




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Can a B Eat a Meatball Sub Without Being Called Knocked Up?

pic via dailymail

Over the weekend, hoes were spouting off all over the place that Mila Kunis was looking SUUUUUPER pregnant with Ashton Kutcher's annoying baby. To which I give a big "B please."

Homegirl doesn't look pregnant, she looks like someone that might have just eaten a meal. And is drinking a lot of tea (or whatever the eff she's drinking). Get off ladies' uterus' jocks, internets. I'm more concerned about those capri pants.



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Ummm...

Radar Online is reporting that SNOOKI IS PREGNANT. SOMEONE GET MY SMELLING SALTS, I CAN'T STOP KANYE WEST-STYLE CAPS LOCKING!!! I need to go gather my thoughts.


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Ummm, Aren't You Like 3 Months Pregnant?

US Magazine is reporting that ol' Simp face is in talks with Weight Watchers to craft a $4 million weight loss deal for dropping her post-pregnancy weight. I think that she's seriously three or four months along. You don't even know how much you're going to weigh! What if you have like 10 lbs you want to lose? Are you going to just wear those high-waisted jeans that everyone gave you so much hell for to make yourself look worse? So many questions that I still have like half a year to think about!

I mean daaaamn, sister, give yourself a hot ass minute! I guess since she didn't get that $500k for her pregnancy announcement, her dad is toiling away to make up for it. Can't a b just marinate an alien in her belly without getting Lean Cuisines shoved in her pie hole???
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Breaking News: Katy Perry Just Has a FUPA! (Google It If You're Reading This, Dad.)

Kitty Purry likes to get boozy. Leave a b alone with the constant womb checks, damn!

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Too. Much.

Michelle Duggar announced on the Today show this morning that she is pregnant with her 20th child. Yes, like as in two zero. Listen, b. This is too much. Michelle and her last child ALMOST DIED during her pregnancy. What are you doing??!?!? Do you want to die in childbirth, Oregon Trail style? I know the Duggars don't believe in birth control, so tell ol' Jim Bob (Isn't that creepy face's name?) to keep on steppin' when it comes to the bedroom activities. My lady parts hurt for you! Pin It

What the WHAAAAT?!?!?

Pic via US Magazine

The NY Daily News has uncovered a paternity lawsuit, in which a 20 year old woman claims Justin Bieber is the father of her three month old baby. She says she had sex with the Biebs last year after one of his concerts. Whaaaaat? Go to your room, young man (woman?)! But seriously, ish just got serious. Dude, you are 16 (I think.) and a gazillionaire. If you're getting down with a random, please protect your self before you wreck yourself.

P.S. This is his new haircut. I'm not sure if we're moving farther away or closer to looking like a sweet-faced lesbian. (Which is a cute look, so whatevs.)

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And in No Doy News...

I am proud of this b for announcing this ish on her own terms, and not in some annoying ass People mag spread. And kudos (Or as RHWoNY's Ramona Singer would say, "Kah-dooooz.") on a cute Halloween costume/hair/makeup deal. Pin It

I Think Your Due Date is Tomorrow, or Something.

Listen, I don't know nothin' about birthing babies (Credit: Prissy in Gone With the Wind. P.S. That ish is ridic racist.), but b*tch, you are pregnant as hell. Don't believe me? Go look at all of these pictures on Splash News Online. Ol' J Simp's spanx are hanging on for dear life and SCREEEEAAA-MING.

Point #2, I'm not Lizzie Grubman (Remember that b?!?) or anything, but if you're trying to get 500k for your pregnancy announcement, don't wear the tightest sh*t you own and traipse about New York. Damn Chicken of the Sea, didn't your Daddy teach you better than that? Or are you doing this to one up your ex-dude's wife? If that's the case, play on, playa. Pin It

Jessica Simpson is Pregnant...Or Something...

So the rags are yammering about Jessica Simpson (I always want to type "Yessica." WTF is wrong with me?) being pregnant with ol' gold digger guy's baby. If she is, or isn't, whatever. The best part of this story is the quote from the "source" given to inTouch Weekly.

“She’s already having kooky cravings!” a friend shares, especially nacho chips dipped in chocolate — “which satisfy her urge for salty and sweet” — cheese-flavored popcorn and non-alcoholic margaritas.

Now, despite the fact that there will be one more “guest” (and that “Jessica might have to take out her dress a bit”), their plans to marry in November haven’t changed.

While it’s true that not everyone would consider the timing ideal, the friend says the couple considers the baby to be “the best wedding gift ever.” Luckily, she’s not due ’til spring, leaving them just enough time to be newlyweds before new parents.

Kooky cravings? Non-alcoholic margaritas? Best wedding gift ever? If I was Yessica (eff it), I would be less pissed about my friend talking to a tabloid and more pissed that I was friends with a douche that would talk like this. "Annoying as Eff DB of the Day Award" (it's very prestigious) goes to you, anonymous source! Pin It