SMMFS (Save My Mutha F@*&%#$ Skin)

I have not been shy with you about my long, storied past (and present) skin issues. I've had bad skin for 20 dumb years now, and there seem to be no signs of stopping this beastly trainwreck. It's not cute. No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom album could have been named after the topography of my skin. (Or a play on words with Magic Kingdom, but whatever.)

Most of my issues have always surrounded acne, and it's bitch cousin, acne scarring. I've become well-versed in that crap. But since I moved to Phoenix six months ago, I have encountered new and uncharted territory. MY SKIN HAS ALSO BECOME MATURE-LOOKING AND DEHYDRATED in this lack of humidity/sun-heavy ecosystem blah blah. What. The. Eff. Am I going to have to move into a Bio-dome? Luckily, I don't venture out much.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend

So now my skin life revolves around not only acne (which was off the mf-ing chain for my first five months here), but also dry weirdness and boring wrinkles. I've had just about enough of this bullshit, skin gods. Yeezus, save me. 

Kanye must have rubbed the legs of his leather sweatpants together in a certain way for me, because I have found a routine that has made my skin much, much better than it's been since I moved. If you find yourself with any of the laundry list of skin issues that I've listed above, travel along this skin brick road with me to see what's up. (Okay, that was too much and not normal. I've been watching too much Hannibal.)

Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream: Intense Hydration 

Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream: Intense Hydation (Kiehl's, $26.50)

When I started noticing the extreme dehydration of my face happening, I reached out to my Kiehl's peeps and begged them for help. They sent me the Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream Intense Hydration to try, and it has helped so, so much. I really wanted to try this cream because it was "torture-tested" by Kiehl's, in a study in the hottest and driest city in the country...Phoenix. WHERE I LIVE. And what did the test (and my face) find? That 97% of subjects showed a reduction in visible skin dryness by 30% in just 7 days. 

Here's the bottom line on this stuff: it's the perfect night-time cream for me. It doles out a ton of lasting moisture, without being heavy. It's too much for my skin for a daytime deal, because I'm still ALSO OILY. Yes, karma is a bitch. Or something. But if you're a drier skin-type this will be great for you, regardless of what time it says it is on your cuckoo clock.

tarte Maracuja Bronzing Serum

tarte Maracuja Bronzing Serum (Sephora, $47)

Speaking of daytime face stuffs, this is heaven in a shimmery bottle. I've been completely hooked on it, ever since tarte sent it to me with all of those amazing lip glosses a few weeks ago. It's not really the texture of the regular Maracuja Oil, which is also great, but it really dries to more of a matte finish that I can totally wear under makeup/sunscreen items during the day.

But besides having all of that good good junk for your mug in it, there's also a dab o' sunless tanner in the Maracuja Bronzing Serum. Just a little touch of tan. Nothing insane. You can sign my ass up forever and ever.

Clearogen 

Clearogen Acne Treatment Set (Sephora, $39.50)

I won't go on and on about Clearogen again, but I credit this stuff for finally keeping my ridiculously over-the-top breakouts in check. My skin is made of complete bullshit, and this really is the only thing that keeps me from looking like a total monster. 

I love this stuff so much that I cannot go one day without it. If fact, BRB (in AOL IM lingo), I have to go buy some more of the Acne Lotion. I WILL NOT let my face get crazy again.

 Pixi Glow Tonic

pixi Glow Tonic (pixi, $29)

I love a great toner, and this is a total bad b of a toner. It's probably made from finely pressed True Blood fairy wings, but I don't even care. (Okay, okay. It really has stuff like Glycolic Acid, Ginseng and Aloe Vera.) It exfoliates my skin and leaves it soft and buttery. 

Pixi Glow Tonic is like a refreshing alcoholic drink on a hot, disgusting day. But, you know, on your face. With an tiny umbrella. But no maraschino cherries. Those are sick.

Adovia Dead Sea Mud Soap

Adovia Dead Sea Mud Soap (Cleopatra's Choice, $11)

I bought this soap on a whim one day when I fell down a scary rabbit hole of internet beauty product shopping. One of those deals that you don't even know how you ended up somewhere, and you're just buying random shit that seems like it might work.

Well, weirdly enough, this Adovia Dead Sea Mud Soap happens to do it for me. It's one of those cleansing bars that really feels like it's getting all up in there and kicking gross stuff's ass and taking names. This would be a terrible life choice for people with dry skin, though. Proceed with caution.

Do you have a favorite skin care product? What do you swear by? TELL ME EVERYTHING.



Pin It

Fake Your Way to a Knocked Up Glow

We all know by now that the Duchess of somewhere (formerly common-type lady known as Kate Middleton) is pregnant with the royalest royal baby that's ever royaled. Sidebar: What if it comes out all ginger-y and Prince Harry like? Wouldn't that be awesome? Okay, I'm getting off track. Pregnant ladies are known for having that lovely ass glow of life, or something. But what about for people like me, who will probably never have a kid-in-the-uterus type situation happening? I'm more of the "fly solo around the world and die alone" type. (Possibly RIP, Ameila Erhardt.) Don't cry for me, Argentina, it's just my personality. I'd rather read 2.7 million books alone. (I had a sh*t ton of Book It free personal pan pizzas racked up when I was a kid.) Luckily, I have pawed through a lot of beauty products to MANUFACTURE THE GLOW. 

tarte amazonian clay blush in natural beauty, $25 & nars blush in orgasm, $28

I have found a beast of a combo when it comes to glowing cheeks. I start with tarte's amazonian clay blush (I use the color Natural Beauty, but you can do whatever rocks your ish.) for staying power. NOTHING stays on my oily mug like this blush does. Then I like to top it off with Nars blush in Orgasm, to give the cheeks a little shimmer and glow.

chanel's lucky stripes iridescent powder, $95 & physician's formula pearls of perfection, about $13

If you are looking for an all over face glow, I have found two great products at opposite ends of the rich b*tch scale. I was given the Chanel Lucky Stripes sometime/somewhere, and have found it to be quite friggin' delightful. I find myself using it when I want to be all glowy-faced and a pretty, pretty princess. But let's be real -- ish is expensive. If you are a little lighter in the pocketbook (I'm looking at myself), then the Physician's Formula Pearls of Perfection is a little more realistic. It's not AS great as the Chanel powder, but it's pretty damn good for a drugstore product, so don't cry over it and sh*t.

davine's nounou illuminating conditioner, $22.50 at drugstore.com

What about pregnant lady hair? I've always heard that they have great hair days, like for nine months. Must be hormones. Freaking science, man. I have been loving davine's Nounou Illuminating Conditioner to keep my hair looking flossy, lately. It's super gentle, and moisturizes hair without being heavy and gross.

Now don't be offended if people ask if you're expecting. It's not your empire-waited top, it's your gorgeous ass glow. Glow worms have nothing on you, boo!




Pin It