This is a Completely Pointless Post. I Just Wanted to Share My Weirdness.

I came to a realization today of who I want to be in life.

I saw one of these old timey weird bicycle things on TV, and after googling, found out they are called a penny farthing. (That's some fancy ass ish. I can't get enough.) So, I want to ride one of these around while wearing a sexy tuxedo and top hat like this:

Babette (I want that name, too) from Boardwalk Empire.

And these Victotian-style buttony boots:

And of course a monocle (I kind of want that most):

This is from a place called "Gentleman's Emporium." Are you dying?

So that will be my outfit of choice as I ride around on my penny farthing and blow bubbles from my bubble pipe made from the world's finest mahogany. And I will also bid people "Good Day" in anger, while occasionally slapping b's across the face with my white gloves with tiny buttons on them. (Why were there so many tiny buttons in the early 1900's?)

What do you guys want to be when you grow up?

P.S. I say "Good day" to you sir! I say "Good day!" (Just practicing for life.)

P.P.S. I also with I could grow a twisty, maniacal moustache.

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Fiona Apple has a New Video, and It's as Weird as You Would Expect.

Full disclosure: I friggin' love Fiona Apple. From the first time I heard Criminal when I was 15-ish and annoyingly emo-ish, I was hooked on that little poppy seed mini muffin of crazy, and I haven't looked back. Fiona's back, with a new video for her song Every Single Night, and don't worry -- she still cray. With the bonus of a octopus on her head!



Oh, how I've missed this b. And she's back with a little extra ginger flavor (and baby bangs). To which I say:



"Heeeeey!"


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Ballerina Beauty: Vicariously Living My Dreams Through Pink Products

Confession time: I'm kind of obsessed with ballerinas. Okay, that sounds super creepy. I'm not going to Black Swan anybody or anything, no need for restraining orders. I did ballet (and then pointe) for something like 12 years.

My first, albeit chubby, ballet recital picture.

In my dreams, I would be a prima ballerina. But here's the thing -- I'm barely five feet tall. That ish ain't happening. Ever. So I quit when I was in my teens, and became the lazy b that I am today.

So now I obsessively watch ballet TV shows whenever they are on, including the new ones: Breaking Pointe and the upcoming Bunheads. And I live my "mess with never happen" dreams through ballet-like beauty products, like any weird, passive aggressive person would.

Tarte Amazionian Clay in Amused, $25

I have had the Tarte Amazonian Clay blush in a couple of shades for several months, and I totally love them. They last forever on your skin, and the colors are really pretty. This super pinky color, Amused, just reminds me of ballet. (Is that weird?)

LAQA & Co. Fat Lip Pencil in Lambchop, $20.95

The good peeps at LAQA & Co. sent me this fat lip pencil to try, and it is pretty freakin' fabulous. It's easy to use, the packaging is gorge, and the color Lambchop is bright and beautiful. And ridic pink. Which are all pluses in my book. And did I say it's pink? Get it? Ballet?

OPI in Otherwise Engaged, about $8.50

This OPI polish has been my go-to pinky nude for years and years. It doesn't look streaky, like a lot of nudie (ha ha, nudie) shades tend to do. And it's pretty much the exact shade of ballet tights. (Am I getting creepy now?)

Tube sock...Preferably clean.

Yep, that's a tube sock up there. The most ballerina-y thing is a bun, obvs. And the easiest way to get a sexy ass ballet style bun is with a tube sock. See how to get the goods in my top knot tutorial below.



Sorry if this post reeked of unfulfilled dreams and childhood tears. I'm going to go slather pink stuff all over myself and hang upside down from some crazy contraption to try in attempts to make myself taller. BRB.




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Get Ready to Judge My Ass: Top 5 H's I Wanted to be When I Was a Kid

 Honorable Mention -- Any b from Kids Incorporated

I mean, come on. Fergie Ferg and Jennifer Love Hews...Whatevs. I was jealous as eff as all of these little chicken heads. Young kids singing age inappropriate songs? That gets all kinds of "YAAAS" from me.



 #5 -- The main chick from Ladybugs

 I don't know this girl's name or story. All I know is she was really pretty, and she got to co-star with my super crush at the time, Jonathan Brandis. And, bonus:

 B got to work with Jackee Harry. End of list.

#4 -- Clarissa from Clarissa Explains It All 

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I was totally obsessed with this mess. Her outfits...So avant garde! My fake name when I was a kid was Clarissa. What, you didn't have a fake name?

But my favorite thing about Clarissa was her room:

Man, that ish was hot. I was dying to do all this crap to my room, but my mom was all, "You can't paint over your wallpaper. It will dimish the resale value of the house. Blah, blah." Ugh, white middle-class people are so uptight.

But my favorite Melissa Joan Hart moment actually came just a few years ago.

Tell me you can tear your eyes away. I know you can't. Mmmm. I'm hungry for Fruit Roll Ups, now.

#3 -- The daughter from She's Out of Control

 You guys have probably never seen this fantastic piece of art, but it's magnificent. I mean it stars Tony Danza! (But no Angela, and even worse, NO MONA!)

But it has one of those awesome "from nerd to gorge" scenes:

REALLY?!? She looks like this dude:

Ridic, movie people. Ridic.

But check out this outfit. That heel is almost too sexy for Hollywood. But on the real, this movie made me Down 4 Life when it comes to thigh highs.

 #2 -- Teen Witch

If you haven't seen Teen Witch, I can't even with you. It is the best thing in the world, hands down. Like, the music in this mess will rock the HELL out of your world. The absolute best moment in cinematic history is this one:



Look at this ish. It's flawless as eff. Sigh.

And I always wanted to be the most popular girl. The best part of this is the gangster dude getting super into the musical number:



Ugh, I'll never have an embellished denim vest that is half that beast. I hate my life.

#1 -- The Queen (Princess? Whatever.) from The Neverending Story

Who knows what this b's name is. I've watched this movie about 284982 times, and I still don't know. But that head piece is one of the best things I have seen to this day. Also, she wore makeup and she was like, maybe 10. So. Freakin'. Jealous.

I was also weirdly obsessed with these statues:

Boob envy? Badass wing envy? I don't know, but they are cool.

Side note: What the hell was this all about?

That ish is scary as eff.

As you can see, I was a weird kid that became a weird adult.

Who did you guys want to be when you were a kid? Or was that even a thing for you? Am I insane? (Probs.)




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