Jem and the Holograms Made Me a Crazy B

I think that we can all agree that Jem is the hottest cartoon of all time.

But I can also say, with complete confidence, that this b effed up my life. How can you even live up to glamor like this? A lace fingerless glove AND a leather fingerless glove? I mean, damn, a regular b doesn't stand a chance. And in this video, Jem becomes A JEM MERMAID. Sigh.



Seriously, I think that Jem made a huge impact on my young life. Here are the Jem-isms that have stuck with me:

Wear Whatever the Hell Crazy Outfit You Want: I have always been somewhat of a fashion risk-taker. I was never one to care about matching, and I have been known to be somewhat over-the-top at times. My mom told me a few months ago that "I was finally in style, because not matching is a thing now." Sigh.

A Badass Earring Can Make Everything Better: I really like to wear a 'statement' earring in one ear, and like a stud, or whatever, in the other. I think it really harkens back to my Jem days, and that damn magical earring. If I had one that could light up, that ish would rock my world.

All Pink Errrthing: Damn, I love pink. And a little more than any dumb dumb in her thirties should. If I could have Jem-pink hair right now, and not look crazier than tanning mom, (too dated a reference?) I totally would. Man, I hate myself.

Don't Be Afraid to Take a Chance on Beauty:  Jem wears damn hot pink eyeshadow trapezoids like a boss. That mess inspires me to try different hairstyles, makeup colors, and more. Who cares if your look might lean more toward the insane side of the beauty scale? YOLO. (I know, I know.)

Now get ready for you day to be ruined. You better get your novelty-sized eraser out, because you are about to clear your schedule for the foreseeable future. Jem and the Holograms is on Netflix watch instantly. On a completely unrelated note, I have to go. I have to weed my vegetable garden, or something. (And no, that is NOT a euphemism for something sexual.) Okay, fine. I'll be in a mother effin' Jem-induced rabbit hole for the next 2384032984 hours. Bye, b's.




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Who's the Cooler Cat, (I Truly, Truly Hate Myself) Garfield or Heathcliff?

I think that we can all agree that the 90's were filled with an ish-load of awesomeness. And part of that came down to two orange cats, Garfield and Heathcliff. So the question begs to be asked in a head-to-head Battle Royale. Who was the best: Garfield or Heathcliff???

Battle of the munchies 

Food is the bomb, right? And it seems like cats like nasty ish. It's always like Salmon with a Hint of Liver and Garbage Juice on cat food labels. So let's check out what these cats were chewin' on.

Heathcliff:

Heathcliff eats fish bones and garbage.

 Garfield:

Garfield eats lasagne.

Winner: Duh. Lasagne is delicious. Garfield takes this one.

Homepeeps
Dogs have packs, and cats have...Eff if I know. But both of these cats had friends that they hung out with on the regular. Who's got the better cat gang?

Heathcliff:

Look at these hot b's. That's some fashion-forward ish.

Heathcliff even had a lady friend. With TWO pink bows. Fancy!

Garfield:

Garfield has Odie and Jon. Snooze.

Winner: Heathcliff takes this one. Those junkyard cats were fly as ish. Floppy hats? Leg warmers? Skinny ties and sweatbands? B, please. Garfield's Jon can't even hang with that mess. He looks like a cartoon version of Cousin Larry. Not hot.

Hello?!? Try to tear your eyes away from Balki's mullet. I dare you.

Theme Song
Music is an important factor in coolness. If your theme song is super lame, you can't be a true boss b. Who had the cooler theme song?

Heathcliff:

This song is still fire. If I wasn't too lazy to have a ringtone on my cell phone, I would totally use this.

Garfield:

 I don't even remember this ish, I can't lie.

Winner: Heathcliff's song will rock your damn face off.

Street Cred
When you're a cat, you kind of have to be a badass. No one respects a cuddly cat. Who's got the most street cred?

Heathcliff:

Heathcliff was always doing some hood rat stuff.

Plus, he was in a GANG that lived in a JUNKYARD!

Garfield:

Garfield was kind of a dick, so he gets major points for that.

And apparently, he's girlfriends with Lil' Wayne.

Winner: Tie. Garfield's sh*tty attitude lives on in annoying t shirts to this day, but living in a garbage heap trumps living in a creepy, middle aged, single dude's house.

Overall Winner
I'm sorry, Garfield fans. I've got to give the overall cat awesomeness prize to Heathcliff. He's a badass b (Trina style) and everything about that show screams high fashion. Agree or disagree? Bash me (or raise the roof with me) in the comments.

 

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