GUUUUUURL of the Day: Boy, Boys. Can't I Just Have You All?

My God, this is terrifying. I feel like I just escaped from 293,840 serial murders. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? THIS SH*T IS YOUR BEST FIRST IMPRESSION??? Here are my thoughts, in order:

• Oh hey, dude number one -- you can take off the effing weightlifting belt. You're sitting in a friggin' chair, ya douche.
• No one named Maurice is a, a-hem, "wild man." (Except maybe the dad in Beauty and the Beast.)
• BIG PHIL??? In comparison to what? Gross, don't answer that.
• Hey "deep into the night" satin shirt, you can't even SIT UP for two minutes???
• Mike, the anti-smoking dude, why did you pirouette a quarter turn? This isn't Glamour Shots. Or maybe it was. Like a two-for-one type deal...
• LISTEN MAURICE, you don't own a tuxedo, and Men's Warehouse is NOT going to refund your deposit, so good luck with that.
• WHY IS YOUR MOM WATCHING THIS, REINDEER SWEATER? You must feel pretty confident that you'll get a date in a timely manner, by wearing such a seasonal piece. Ballsy.
• Best Hair Award has to go to "fashion photography." Did you see that volume? That length??
• I wish an overgrown monster would effing eat your ass, crazy shirt.
• Guy with the rose -- I'm going to vom. You don't even know WTF you're talking about. You. Are. The. Worst.
• WHAT??? YOU GUYS ENJOY HAVING FUN? We have so much in common.
• What is a hamster? Like literally, you don't like the pet rodent?
• I can't even hate on suspenders. Get me that b*tch's number.
• Cats AND domestic violence? That's a tall order. (P.S. Doesn't domestic violence/sexual abuse look like Bruce Jenner?)
• "I average four hours a night's sleep. The rest of the time I am murdering people."
• I might really be in love with reindeer sweater. He's got some strong to quite strong ass eye contact.
• I refuse to even acknowledge the viking.

Why were the 80's so effing terrible? I'd rather do a Garbage Pail Kid than any of these dicks. (Except you, reindeer sweater. You's a keeper.)

 

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"Crazy Pants Bieber" Strikes Again.

I was perusing this story on The Daily Mail about blah blah blah Biebs and Selena Gomez reuniting blah blah blah. I didn't even have one eff to give about all of that mess, until this photo turned my heart to ice:

pic via dailymail

What the muther eff? Did baby Bieber not have supervision when he was getting dressed, and accidentally wore his mom's upside down sweatshirt as a pair of pants? What the disgusting are those things? They are exactly one million times worst than the last ones! Even Selena, in the background, is all, "Did that weird cult-y lady leave yet?" Let's have a look at the back (if you're brave enough), shall we?

via dailymail

I can't even belieb (groan) that this is really happening. If things such as these are truly being manufactured, forget the death of Twinkies, THIS is the true sign of the apocalypse.

I'm going into my "safe chamber" until this is all over.

P.S. My safe chamber is my couch, wearing nearing-decade-old Juicy pants and dirty hair. Don't tell anyone.




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