8 Times The AMAs Made Me Realize I'm Too Effing Old For Pop Culture

I don't know if you guys peeped the scene of the American Music Awards last night, but I did, and I noticed that something f*cking terrible happened. No, not Pitbull's boring ass, dry toast hosting skills. I'm talking about the realization that I'm getting friggin' old. These are the moments of clarity that lead me to this sad sack conclusion. (I'm sure I have very few moments of clarity before my mind starts to go, so let's cherish this time together.)

#1 -- I was all, "Damn, Fall Out Boy got old, " then realized that some of them are younger than my ass. I need to check Craig's List for a hyperbaric chamber.

#2 -- This One Direction dude's hair. No really, what the eff is happening on this guy's head? Insanity, or I'm just elderly, that's what.

#3 -- Man tunics. Jesus, take the wheel.

#4 --WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE?

My eyeballs have never rested upon any of these humans before, and it might be time for me to retire.

#5 -- Rihanna was wearing the same accessory sh*t that I was wearing in 1997. Shout out to Contempo Casuals.

#6 -- Lady Gaga's performance only made me feel like I was watching "Trapped In The Closet, Part 374: Politico Edition."

#7 -- I totally related to OG members of TLC. My knees and back are struggling now, too, y'all. Poor T-Boz and Chili's dancing consisted mostly of glorified walking with some light hand clapping. My suggestion? Get rid of Lil' Mama and bring in Betty White in Left Eye's place. You guys will look young and flexible as hell.

#8 -- My favorite performer of the night was a CGI cat crying diamond tears into a spider web. And for the record, I totally would have scooped up that two-piece leotard if I made a cat dancing workout video in 1992.