Who Would You Rather: The 90210 Dudes Edition

I'm kind of a Beverly Hills, 90210 nut, as evidenced by this picture of me wearing a Brenda Walsh mugshot t-shirt that my friend Sarah bought me. Because of my particular brand of crazy brains, I've spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about the dudes of BH High. That sounds illegal, but everyone on that show was, like, 42 during the show's run, so stop judging my ass.

All of this pondering led me to compile a list of pros and cons for each 90210-type-of-bro, so we can find out, once and for all, who would you rather?

David Silver

BAG sporting a unibrow starter's kit

Pros:

• He was a good (???) dancer.
• He got hot.

Cons:

• Many awkward hair phases.
• David and Donna were so gross, as told by this video, which is one of the more horrific things even burned into my eyeballs and ear holes.

BRB, vomiting and bleaching the Earth.

Bottom Line: Whatever, I can't even keep up this front. DAVEY WAS THE WORST.

Brandon Walsh

B Dubs, the stern years.

Pros:

• He did charitable shit like bring homeless men home for Thanksgiving dinner and had relationships with Kelly Taylor.
• He was well-beloved by crazies (Emily Valentine) and bores (Andrea Zuckerman) alike.
• He had the privilege of sharing a womb with Brenda.
• He had the second-best dude hair on the show. (Except for that short-lived mullet. Hard pass.)
• Just..This...

Cons:

• He did horrible shit like have relationships with Kelly Taylor.
• He got kind of judgey over walking Earth treasures Brenda Walsh and Valerie Malone. 
• These sunglasses fill me with a deep and fiery rage. There's something so Wilford Brimley about them that make me want to throw hot oatmeal.

Bottom Line: I like Brandon. But do I LIKE like Brandon? Like, loins-like him?

Dylan McKay

Okay, so this was IRL Luke Perry, BUT I DON'T CARE.

Pros:

• Please see above.
• That voice.
• He had the best hair that's ever even graced a friggin' TV screen.
• He had rough times, but had a heart of GD GOLD.
• He almost pulled this look off. And that's a lot of look.

IS THAT A WETSUIT TOP TUCKED INTO RELAXED FIT JEANS?

Cons:

• That tramp-ass-tramp Kelly Taylor.
• He doesn't love me.

Bottom Line: Everyone loves Dylan McKay. If you don't, you aren't a living human being. Shit, even ghosts haunting old Victorian-era mansions probably love that mofo.

Steve Sanders

Steve loves coochie cutters, and he cannot lie.

Pros:

• Steve kind of gave zero effs about ANYTHING.
• He had a weirdly sexual confidence about him.
• Semi-unrelated, but, uhhhh....
• Ian Ziering did this in my life, so major bonus points:

Cons:

• Straight-up ramen hair. And frequently mullet-ed.
• THE WORST outfits. Worst.

Bottom Line: Current-day Ian Ziering? Hot. Steve Sanders? Not.

Conclusion: Please, this was all a flimsy, farce-filled, flim-flam facade! And you fell for it. MUAHAHAHHA. DYLAN MCKAY 4EVA.

How much do you still love Dylan McKay, one to eight trillion?



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Who Would You Rather: New Hot Mugshot Guy Or The Local News T.I. Aficionado

It's been a total sausage fest for the last 24 hours, man. No, not at my house. The only sausage fest around here would be me literally just eating actual sausage in a festive manner. And it's more of a bacon fest at my house.

I'm talking about dudes taking the internets by storm with kooky antics and/or hotness, depending on your view. So this guy-o-rama clearly lends itself to the question -- WHO WOULD YOU RATHER? Let's take a look at the dazzling contestants.

pic via santa cruz police department

First up, the most recent gentleman (???) to be dubbed 'Hot Mugshot Guy'. (Yes, I just linked to a Yahoo! News article. I like to kick it old school.) This smize expert was arrested in Santa Cruz on Halloween for:

"...attacking a person dressed as a Fox News reporter.  The suspect attacked the victim telling him he “hates Fox News”.  The suspect grabbed the victim’s microphone and placed down the front of his pants and proceeded to rub the microphone on his crotch.  The suspect then attacked the victim with an aluminum tennis racquet.  The victim was not injured and reported the incident to police.  The suspect fled as officers approached, but was eventually ran down and caught by pursuing officers." 

I'm a little torn on this one. This guy is a clearly a total sexpot in the ol' face department, but that flesh-colored t-shirt is doing him zero favors. Also, why are you assaulting someone dressed in a costume of something that you don't like? Has he been asleep for several years, à la Rip van Winkle, and didn't know it was Halloween? Where did he get a tennis racket? Was he dressed as Anna Kournikova? The non-timeliness of that costume actually supports my Rip van Winkle story. Also, maybe don't assault people. Also, the victim in this case should sell the crotch-rubbed microphone on eBay. I'm sure some people would buy that shit.



Next up in this man-on-man competition is this local TV news guy annoying the shit out of his co-host with his T.I.-themed voguing.

I love this dude for his impromptu use of props and Clark Kent hair. He loses points for lack of edginess in my book, but there were zero assaults happening, so there's that. Except for homie being cut via eyeballs from his co-anchor.

So who would you guys rather? I'm slightly leaning toward Mug on this one, mostly because those eyes and cheekbones really speak to my bathing suit area. Thoughts?

P.S. Alex from Target is not in this contest because I'm not trying to catch some charges.

video via reddit



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