3 Easy-Ass Tricks To Make Lipstick Last FOREVAH

There are days when your lips are all, "FEED ME (MOISTURE), SEYMOUR," and you slather the hell out of your lips with the glossiest gloss that's ever glossed. Then there are the times that you crave a lasting color on your lips that won't fade away like the hotness of the dudes in Color Me Badd. Group B, this is for you.

Don't even worry, there's no need for you to go out and buy a long-last lipstick for all of that, Jazzy Jeff. There are some easy steps you can take to get that long-ass lip wear without spending one more penny on another lip product.

1. Line Time, All the Time.

You'll start by lining your lips, but not in a brown-liner-on-the-periphery-and-wait-for-the-white-frosted-lipstick kind of way that you might think of when I say lip liner. I'm talking all over your damn lips, like you're using a Barbie-sized lipstick. 

This works like a primer for your lip, and just gets the shit you're about to apply to stick like an Elmer's glue stick for your ass. I will almost always use a nude-colored liner, regardless of the lip color I'm going to apply, but if you want the shade to stay vibrant as eff, line with a similar-to-the-lipstick color.

2. Skip the Gloss, Boss.

Listen, I love lip gloss as much as the next Mariah Carey impersonator (this is just an assumption), but gloss sucks when it comes to staying power. You can quite literally kiss that shit goodbye after one sip from your constant companion, AKA your wine glass.

Instead, use a lipstick for lasting color. Matte finishes last the longest, but I actually picked a pretty moisturizing shade (CoverGirl Lip Perfection Lipstick in Spellbound) for this, just to prove you don't have to use something that will suck all the moisture out of your mouth to get this hootenanny to work. Live your life -- you know how I do.

3. Do It Powdered Doughnut Style.

The last step in the game is to grab a separated tissue or that really thin and shitty two-ply toilet paper and put it over your freshly-painted lips. Apply a translucent powder over the tissue/TP/whatever you want, using a puff or a powder brush.

The powder will soak up a little of the oiliness of the lipstick and get that shit to stay like Lisa Loeb, without any of the drying or discomfort of a long-wear lipstick. Now you're free to go do your damn thing, without that c-block of a faded an uneven lipstick situation.

Watch out mouth, here comes wine.

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How To Take Your Face From "Blah" To "Blam-ish" In A Few Easy Steps

Time for some real talk -- this post is not for a super-glammed out mug. Reference this for when your face has a haze of meh all over it, and you need to look like functioning human head. The days when you're not shooting for the stars, you're just aiming for the horizon, I guess.

Let's see what we're starting with:

Pretty, pretty, pretty blah.

And as you can see, I am the ultimate trash, because I was watching Vanderpump Rules in the background. Hey, Jax's fourth nose job. Thanks for being here.

Also, please ignore my overly bronzed bod. I put on self tanner and haven't washed off the color guide yet, because ultimate trash and all.

Let's ignore all that noise and working on this mug.

Let Your Brows Carry You Through the Tough Times

Take a lesson from my best friend Britney Spears -- having actual eyebrows on your face can make a world of difference in life. And if not life, at least your face. It brings a structure and shape to your eye like nothing else really can.

Today I used Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade in Dark Brown to fill these puppies in, but you can use whatever you have in you Downtown Julie Brow(n) arsenal -- eyeshadow, brow powder, pencil -- live your life. Just fill in the sparseness and bring a little more boldness to those sad sacks. If you have naturally sad sacks like I do.

Bring Some Drama Lite to Your Eyeballs

I once interviewed Trish McEvoy (#humblebrag), and the best tip she told me was how to create the appearance of fuller lashes by dotting eyeliner between your actual lashes on your upper lash line. As inelegant as the following sounds (surprise, surprise, coming from me), if you lightly smoosh a creamy eyeliner into your eyelashes, it looks like you have a billion lashes without giving the appearance of liner. It's just like, "Hey, you've you dope eyelashes. And a lot of them."

For this, I used Eddie Funkhouser Graffiti Creme Eye Pencil (which they sent me like a year ago and I just tried recently and love for this), but you can use anything with a creamy or gel texture. Just not a super-hard (heh) pencil. It will pull too much and not give you enough color payoff.

For the finale of your David Blaine-level lash illusion, finish up with a wiggle of mascara. I used L'Oreal Voluminous Superstar Mascara for this, which is one of those two-sided deals, but I just used the actual mascara side and skipped the primer side. You know I'm lazy to the bone.

Fake that Flush

One of the biggest blah-faced culprits is having a monotone-ass skin tone. It just says, "I'm on bed rest or something of that ilk," and even if you are on bed rest or something of that ilk, you don't have to look like it.

The solution to this unfortunate pallor is using a combo of bronzer and blush to create a flushed-face fake out. I'm using products from this Too Faced Blushed & Bronzed Set because I prefer a bronzer sans a lot of sparkle. I have shit skin and the glittery stuff brings out even more imperfections. I also think a matte bronzer looks more natural, because my skin tends not to glitter up. I don't bleed body glitter.

I'm not using these dudes to contour -- more for just a general glowiness, putting the bronzer where the sun would naturally hit you, if you went in the sun, but you don't because you're trying to stay forever young. (No? Just me?)

You can also use this combo on your eyelids to make them peepers pop even more. I didn't do this because I'm the worst, but it would have looked noice.

A Little Pink-ed Out Lip

A pink lip is complementary as hell to a human being's complexion. It's like taking that whole "your lips but better" idea and kicking that shit up 12 notches. Roughly. It just makes you look alive, man.

I'm using the Sephora Collection Rouge Infusion Lip Stain in Peony that I got in the Sephora Give Me Some Lip set, which I am currently super into. It's like a appetizer sampler that features really bacon-y apps. It's delicious.

This is labeled a lip stain, but it's kind of like a long-wear lipstick that FADES INTO A LIP STAIN. It's MF-ing magic. 

The before is like, "Someone create a Kickstarter for this Silly Putty face." After is like, "Okay, that's a human being and I think they're alive." Upgrade!

That's the end???

Yes.

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