The Best Beauty Unicorns You Could Possibly Buy For Under $13

Thirteen is a random ass number to choose, I'm super aware. I wanted to try to keep this sh*t under $10, but there are some products that I really wanted to include, and they were a teensy bit over the ten spot mark. Get off my jock; I do what I want.

The Best Products to Get Those Peepers Poppin' Off Like Champagne Bottles.

You guys will have non mf-ing factor levels of surprise when I tell you that Maybelline Expert Eyes Twin Brow & Eye Pencils in Blonde (drugstore.com, $2.99 for two pack) is my number one pick. I literally talk about these things all the time. People are like, "Hey Sex, what time is it?" And I'm all, "You really should try these Maybelline brow pencils, then your brows will always be on time." ZING! (With bonus points for a light Ashanti/Ja Rule reference.)

I recommend blonde to every-damn-body, regardless of hair color, then darkening up with eyeshadow or brow powder if necessary. The only exception are m'ladies with darker skin tones. Opt for one of the slightly darker pencils in that case.

Runner Up: I am creeper-levels into the new L'Oreal Paris Voluminous Butterfly Mascara (Target, $7.99). It's like my old school homegirl L'Oreal Voluminous on 'roids. Try it. It's the sauciest minx.

Bonus Bonus: Jesus take the wheel, I can't stop telling you about eye stuffs. I have to mention the SEPHORA COLLECTION Waterproof Smoky Cream Liner (Sephora, $12), or I would be the queen of the b-words and a total liar face. This is the PERFECT formula for that annoying ass waterline lining, and the price is right, beyotch.

Skin as Smooth as Silk in This Mean Mug.
 

There are few things that I love more than a sumptuous ass body oil that doesn't smell like an infant, and SheaMoisture Argan Oil & Raw Shea Bath, Body & Massage Oil (Target, $10.29) beyond fits the bill. It's really, really moisturizing and smells like a freshly-bathed hippie.

That's one of the positives of this stuff, just in case it was unclear.

Runner Up: If I need even MORE moisture on my skin organ (bleh), I always use Palmer's Cocoa Butter (CVS, $6.29). ALWAYS. It's like butter in a bottle that smells vaguely chocolatey. Like you've been frolicking along the Willy Wonka chocolate river, and somehow your skin has been replaced by the velvet from Violet's dress.

The BEST Bad B Nail Polish.

If you are ever feeling slightly blah-like, Floss Gloss in Stun (Floss Gloss, $8) on your finger guns is the cure. It's like a disco ball got it on with the yellow brick road. There is not a better glitter polish in this galaxy. Trust.

Runner Up: Whenever I'm feeling like Lil' Kim circa 1997 and I need my fingernails to match my mood, I get all up on Wicked from Essie (Essie, $8.50). It's a really deep and dark burgundy that gives zero effs about anything. For badasses only.

Give Yourself a Clean Slate.

Just in case you didn't get the latest newsletter from Lazies News of The World, I'm crazy lazy. Because of this character weakness, I really love to use Koh Gen Do Cleansing Spa Water (Sephora, $13) to clean up the mess that is my day's makeup after it's curtains on the day. This stuff is insanely gentle on your skin and causes exactly 0.0000 irritation. It's for the times I can't really be held responsible for actually washing my face like an actual adult.

Runner Up: When it comes to cleansing face wipes, I'm really about that Burt's Bees Facial Cleansing Towelettes with White Tea Extract (Drugstore.com, $4.49) life. They get the job done while being gentle as baby cherub wing kisses.

Getting a Whole Lotta Lip Service.

If bold and beautiful lips are your goal in life, then CoverGirl Lip Perfection Lipstick in Spellbound (Drugstore.com, $7.49) needs to get in your makeup bag, STAT. It's the kind of lip color that people will stop you mid-brunched out mimosa sip and ask you where the hell you got that lipstick.

Runner Up: Looking for the lip equivalent of a hot pair of nude heels? Then you really need to get on the L'Oreal Colour Riche in Sheer Linen (Target, $7.99) bandwagon. (Surely, one exists.) It's moisturizing as eff, while giving you that whole "your lips, but better" deal.

Now go enjoy getting your beauty on for the cheapness, and save that change in your pocket for more wine times.

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