Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Blogging Note: I Might Be MIA For A Minute


Hey, it's me. Remember me?

I was out of town last week, so I really couldn't post. Now I'm extremely sick, and can't even think about stringing sentences into a cohesive format. So, I will probably be taking this week off. If it goes beyond that, I'll let your ass know.

Sorry for being horrible. Just please enjoy this kitten.



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Sunday, December 28, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something I Already Wrote

pic via allure
In the last few minutes of your holiday weekend, take a couple seconds to check out this post that I wrote for Allure, called "The Best Holiday-Movie Beauty Looks," about, well, the best holiday movie beauty looks. 

I was watching Love, Actually on Christmas and still couldn't get over the level of gorgeousness that Keira Knightley possesses. Life just isn't fair. Happy New Year.

See who else I included on the list here.




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Monday, December 22, 2014

Double-Duty Beauty: The 5 Product Face


I friggin' love using double-duty beauty products. Whenever you can use something for more than one purpose, that's a good-ass deal. So I decided to make a video using only five products, and using four of those things for two things...shit, that's confusing.

Just watch the video (if you want). It will all (kind of) make sense. I'm also posting all of the products that I used below the video, just in case you're in an anti-video jail, or at your Gam Gam's, or something, and can't watch.



Here are the details, for you non-watchers:


Product #1 -- Kat Von D Lock-It Tattoo Foundation in Light 48 on my face. (Uhhh doy)
Product #2 -- Urban Decay Eyeshadow in Naked on my eyes and brows.
Product #3 -- Benefit Hoola Bronzer under my cheekbones, on hairline, and dusted across nose and jawline. Also on the crease of my lids.
Product #4 -- Makeup Academy Color Intense Lipstick in #258 Pansy is the ol' lips and also used as a cream blush.
Product #5 -- L'Oreal Voluminous Miss Manga Mascara in Blackest Black is used on a flat brush as a baby eyeliner and as a mascara, of course.

Do you have any double-duty makeup products? Tell me all the things.



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Friday, December 19, 2014

Win A December Sample Society Box From Allure



I know that it's the holidays and you're busy thinking about other people (BORING) and being all nice and crap, but why not take a couple of minutes and do something for your own damn self?

If you want to cop this month's Allure Sample Society box for free, watch this video and follow the instructions from the YouTube description box. That's it! Now you can go back to whatever crazy-ass holiday schedule you're currently enduring.


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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Zac Efron Now Has An '80s Dad 'Stache



Today's entry into the "Diary of I'm-Trying-To-Hide-My-Hot-From-You" is Zac Efron, with his freshly grown tragi-stache. (He's also accompanied by a beatnik poet that performs in biker bars. Or maybe a girlfriend? One can never really be sure.)

I can't handle this mustache in any way, shape or form. Probably because it's a hair (har har) too close of my dad's own facial hair, and that sends up a big ol' NOPE flag to proudly flap high into the dude sky.


Let's look past the fact that I'm dressed in something that Bubbles the chimp might wear, and note the disturbing follicular similarities. If Efron starts wearing THOSE glasses, I'm quitting this bitch. And by bitch, I mean Earth.




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Tomorrow Is The Final Episode of Serial, SO WHAT WILL HAPPEN, SARAH???



Warning: Some whispery f-words in video.

This is kind of friggin' perfect.

For all of my fellow Serial crazies, tomorrow shall mark the end of the Mail Kimp end. Will anyone ever think of payphones ever, ever again? Will Adnan's big cow eyes ever be free to make BBQ sauce without having to use maple syrup? Did Jay get a good nap in? Why doesn't Mr. S like brandy? What even is brandy? If this is just a big-ass Best Buy commercial, I'm going to be PISSED.



via funny or die


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Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Who Would You Rather: The 90210 Dudes Edition


I'm kind of a Beverly Hills, 90210 nut, as evidenced by this picture of me wearing a Brenda Walsh mugshot t-shirt that my friend Sarah bought me. Because of my particular brand of crazy brains, I've spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about the dudes of BH High. That sounds illegal, but everyone on that show was, like, 42 during the show's run, so stop judging my ass.

All of this pondering led me to compile a list of pros and cons for each 90210-type-of-bro, so we can find out, once and for all, who would you rather?

David Silver

BAG sporting a unibrow starter's kit

Pros:
Cons:
  • Many awkward hair phases.
  • David and Donna were so gross, as told by this video, which is one of the more horrific things even burned into my eyeballs and ear holes.



    BRB, vomiting and bleaching the Earth.

    Bottom Line: Whatever, I can't even keep up this front. DAVEY WAS THE WORST.

    Brandon Walsh

    B Dubs, the stern years.

    Pros:
    • He did charitable shit like bring homeless men home for Thanksgiving dinner and had relationships with Kelly Taylor.
    • He was well-beloved by crazies (Emily Valentine) and bores (Andrea Zuckerman) alike.
    • He had the privilege of sharing a womb with Brenda.
    • He had the second-best dude hair on the show. (Except for that short-lived mullet. Hard pass.)
    • Just..This...



      Cons:
      • He did horrible shit like have relationships with Kelly Taylor.
      • He got kind of judgey over walking Earth treasures Brenda Walsh and Valerie Malone. 
      • These sunglasses fill me with a deep and fiery rage. There's something so Wilford Brimley about them that make me want to throw hot oatmeal.

      Bottom Line: I like Brandon. But do I LIKE like Brandon? Like, loins-like him?

      Dylan McKay

      Okay, so this was IRL Luke Perry, BUT I DON'T CARE.

      Pros:
      • Please see above.
      • That voice.
      • He had the best hair that's ever even graced a friggin' TV screen.
      • He had rough times, but had a heart of GD GOLD.
      • He almost pulled this look off. And that's a lot of look.


      IS THAT A WETSUIT TOP TUCKED INTO RELAXED FIT JEANS?

      Cons:
      • That tramp-ass-tramp Kelly Taylor.
      • He doesn't love me.

      Bottom Line: Everyone loves Dylan McKay. If you don't, you aren't a living human being. Shit, even ghosts haunting old Victorian-era mansions probably love that mofo.

      Steve Sanders

      Steve loves coochie cutters, and he cannot lie.

      Pros:
      • Steve kind of gave zero effs about ANYTHING.
      • He had a weirdly sexual confidence about him.
      • Semi-unrelated, but, uhhhh....
      • Ian Ziering did this in my life, so major bonus points:


      Cons:



      Bottom Line: Current-day Ian Ziering? Hot. Steve Sanders? Not.

      Conclusion: Please, this was all a flimsy, farce-filled, flim-flam facade! And you fell for it. MUAHAHAHHA. DYLAN MCKAY 4EVA.


      How much do you still love Dylan McKay, one to eight trillion?



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      Thursday, December 11, 2014

      My Very Favorite Winter Sh*t



      Winter kind of blows when it comes to beauty. Everything is hashtag XXX-TRA DRY, and it just makes life roughly 23454% worse.

      Luckily, I have found some products for the hairs, face and body that will alleviate some of those wintery woes. Get off our jocks, Mother Nature. We see you.



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      Tuesday, December 9, 2014

      Allure Insiders Get The Look: Throwback National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Makeup Tutorial



      It's the holiday season, FOR REAL for real. I know this because I got all up on a National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation hair and makeup tutorial this month for my Allure Insiders video. If you're into looking like a minx-y Beverly D'Angelo, watch away.

      Now I have to go, because I have bought exactly ZERO gifts for ZERO people. Sorry I'm the worst, friends and family.



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      Monday, December 8, 2014

      Bronzy Beauts: My Favorite Shimmery Neutral Shadows At Every Price



      I love a bronze eye on basically every-damn-one. It's one of those pretty universally flattering shades, regardless of skin tone/hair/eye color/friggin' astrological sign/whatever. It's just a go-to deal for me -- if I find myself in one of those what-am-I-even-doing-with-a-face-today moods, I throw on a bronze-ish eyeshadow and move on to not caring about another topic.


      Because I have really been on that bronze train for the long-haul, I've come across my fair share of great shadows. So here is a complete roundup of my favorites, with bonus picks, because I'm indecisive like woah.

      The Super-Power (Susan) Powders


      My pick for high-end shadow is probably the eyeshadow I use more than anything else on this silly ol' planet, and that is Smog from the OG Urban Decay Naked Palette ($54). You can also buy it solo ($18), if that tickles your fancy more specifically. The lighting on this picture is half-shitty, so just take my word for it when I tell you that Smog is bronze with a dash of olive. It's perfect, in my eyes. And on my eyes.

      For a drugstore shadow, I've chosen the nameless bronze (it's the fourth one over on the top row) from the Maybelline The Nudes Palette ($10). The shade of this dude is very similar to Smog, and the texture is pretty solid. It's just a little less silky than some of the more expensive brands. For the price, I can totally live with it. I'm not THAT much of a princess. This is still good shit.

      I also chose two runners-up for powder shadows, and it seems that both of these cats may or may not be discontinued.


      Baroque from the Kat Von D True Romance Palette seems to be completely gone from the Sephora website (RIP), and the Revlon PhotoReady Graffiti shadows seem to be only available on Amazon. Well, a day late and a dollar short are kind of my life themes, so at least I'm consistent?

      If you do seem to happen upon either of these shadows, they're both more of a "true bronze" than the other two. If that's a thing. 

       I Don't Think You're Ready For This Gel(y)


      So, remember 3.6 seconds ago when everything was discontinued and I sucked? Apparently my selection for the best high-end gel shadow, the Make Up For Ever Aqua Shadows, are also discontinued. MUFE sent me some of these gel shadow pencils a while back, AND I LOVE THEM. Looks like I'll be taking up hoarding.

      Luckily, it looks like the Aqua Shadows have been replaced with the Aqua Matic ($21), and this Satiny Warm Brown shade looks really similar to the old-school #22E bronze baby. So I'm not THE WORST the worst. Just almost.

      For a more affordable gel-ish option, I really can't get enough of ColourPop in Game Face ($5). It's the bronziest of the bronze, and has a liquid metal finish. It also costs less than a Venti large coffee from Starbucks. So pretty much "Gimme (Gimme) More" was written about these shadows. I need them all.

      My honorable mention goes to Maybelline Color Tattoo in Bad to the Bronze ($6.99). This almost has more of a golden taupe hue, so it's a little cooler-toned. Color Tattoo shadows are really pretty badass, because they last FOREVER. Like, I had trouble washing the swatch off of my arm levels of forever. If you have trouble with your shadow lasting all day, this will change your damn life.

      life-changing makeup moment
      Okay, that's it. I've exhausted my bronze shadow files. If you have others that you think I need to try, let my ass know. I clearly can never have enough. And on that note...


      BYE.




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      Sunday, December 7, 2014

      THE TRAILER FOR THE WHITNEY HOUSTON LIFETIME BIOPIC IS HERE



      I was 100% fully prepared to hate on this Whitney biopic from Lifetime. This is a really tough story to tell, about one of America's vocal treasures, and it's not like that network has a stellar rep when it comes to their tell-all celebrity biopics. So I was expecting straight-up horrible shit before I watched this.

      BUT I WAS WAY WRONG, MAN. This looks really pretty frickin' stellar. Here's why I think this biopic might actually really, really work.

      #1 -- Angela Bassett is directing.


      And if you don't know that Angela Bassett can do no wrong in my heart, now you know.


      #2 -- Ms. Houston is being played by Yaya from America's Next Top Model. And that show is my shit, even though it's one of the most ridiculous things on earth. (I love you, TyTy.) But I don't think that Yaya going to butcher this thing, because this reads very Whitney to me.


      #3 -- The wigs aren't horrible. Whitney went through many hair changes over the time that this movie covers, and I saw very few bad wigs with my eyeballs.


      Bravo.

      Now we'll all be waiting to exhale until the premiere of Whitney on Lifetime on January 17th. (Sorry, I had to.)









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      Friday, December 5, 2014

      WTF O' The Day: Usher Charged His Phone Using A Lady's Bathing Suit Area


      To be logged in the the Book of WHYYYYYYYY, Art Edition™: Usher charged his cellphone using a woman's vagina for performance art. (Little known fact -- the Book of WHYYYYYYYY? was started by Nancy Kerrigan. Too soon?)

      sorry i did you wrong, nanc.

      This just proves that I don't know shit about art. I usually just picture people painting and stuff, and maybe something semi-scandalous happens, like in that Big Eyes movie. I never thought to put a battery pack into my lady cave and charge my favorite '90s R&B dude $20 to jump start his iPhone. That's just entrepreneurial. And thinking outside the box. (I deeply apologize for that.)

      I think if I were going to battery (literally) pack myself, I would power up a panini press. Or maybe a George Foreman grill. You know, give back to the community with my downstairs food. Or I could plug in a boombox that played Salt 'n' Pepa on a cassette tape around the clock. Those are really my only viable options.


      Okay, I'm done here. I promise.




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      Miley Cyrus Seriously Has Zero Effs Left To Give

      A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on


      If you thought that Miley had hit the epitome of the least amount of effs to give before, you were wrong. Oh so wrong. And here's your concrete proof.

      Homie performed the other night in Miami at Art Basel, and this is the ode-to-Cher's-If-I-Could-Turn-Back-Time-video outfit she wore. Well, part of it. There were some semi outfit changes.

      A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on


      There was the addition of this appendage.

      You know the nights been a good one when you stole a shirt from a stripper

      Une photo publiée par Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) le



      Then a gifted stripper shirt for her bathroom ensemble.

      A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on


      And she finally just gave up on all the tops and wore disco ball pasties. You know, when in Rome, and all.

      I have to hand it to Miley. She does whatever the shit she feels like, and doesn't feel the need to apologize for it. Do your thing, butterbean.

      But if you feel like your eyeballs now need a little refreshing cleanse after all of those nearly-nude hijinks, here are some sibling beagles playing with a toy snake. Happy Friday in this beyotch!




      vid via tastefully offensive Pin It

      Wednesday, December 3, 2014

      Lazy Blogging: Read Something I Already Wrote

      pic via allure
      First off, this image makes my brain feel crazy because my eyeballs assume that it's a Magic Eye print, and force me to start searching for a Statue of Liberty, or something. Secondly, I wrote a fun slideshow for Allure this month, that gives beauty meanings to basic emojis. Because why not?

      If you want to check it, do so here. If not, make up your own meanings. Or try to find Lady Liberty in the picture above. It's your brain, use it how you please.



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      Tuesday, December 2, 2014

      The Top 10 Very Best Things About Britney Spears


      Happy National Britney Jean Spears Day! (It's not an official national holiday, but it is in my heart.) Today is Brit Brit's 33rd birthday, so I will be celebrating in the only way that I know how -- by counting down my top ten favorite things about the world's biggest Cheetos lover.

      Let's talk about all Britney everythang.

      #10 -- The K Fed wedding


      The Britney/K Fed era was a weird time, man. It brought about terrible things like that reality show, but also amazing treasures like this wedding picture. (Other wonders not pictured: tiara and glove-lettes.)

      Other people have the JFK/Jackie O/some kind of royal wedding to hang their hopes and dreams upon -- I have this.

      #9 -- That wayward eyelash


      I really hope I can forget this moment one day. I still feel weird and sad about it.

      When Britney gave Matt Lauer an interview in 2006, she got sad and cried over something (I can't be bothered to google what it was) like she is wont to do, and this resulted in a dangling fake eyelash hanging by a damn fiber from her eye. Whatever, shit happens. BUT THEN IT STAYED THAT WAY FOR THE DURATION OF THE INTERVIEW.

      Does Brit not have a lash wrangler? Or a friend? Or a next-door neighbor to pop by for a cup of friggin' sugar? Damn people, that was cold.

      #8 -- "Oops!...I Did It Again" acting



      Brit's acting starting at 2:50 is one of my favorite things on Earth. I'm not joking even slightly. If I'm feeling shitty, I can watch just that few seconds of true thespian-ism and feel instantly better. And when the "OOPS, I..." starts in, it's like being born into a better universe.

      P.S. Can we please take note of how hard current-day Ariana Grande is biting Britney's style from this video? Inappropriate on all levels.

      #7 -- ACTING acting



      CROSSROADS, YOU GUYS. CROSSROADS. Britney is wearing a bucket hat. I don't think I need to say anything more about this.

      #6 -- A fondness for chokers and frappuccinos


      Brit has two loves in her life, both of which really bring her zero benefits. Firstly, homegirl LOVES frappuccinos more than anyone loves anything, really. She goes through periods when she's on boring diets and shit and goes without them, and when that happens, my heart breaks for her. It's like Rose letting ol' Jack Dawson drift off into a watery coffin in Titanic. (SPOILER ALERT!) But more sad.

      Her second lover brings a simmering rage to my eyeballs like few things can, but when you love someone, you look past their truly horrific choker decisions. Brit doesn't care that chokers look terrible on her. She doesn't even care that all the chokers in her choker collection are dreadful.


      She's simply about that choker life, and I respect her choices.

      #5 -- Weave probz


      Britney has had a pretty melodramatic and well-documented history of problems with her extensions. So why is this on a list of things that I love about B? Because it, once again, shows how little effs she gives.

      Work those weave tracks, Brit. The world can get off your jock.

      #4 -- Social media Brit Brit

      A video posted by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on

      I've posted this Instagram video of Brit before, but there's no denying its extreme levels of adorableness. Her contributions to social media are often confusing and delightful. It's like your Gam Gam trying to use Facebook, AKA THE BEST.

      #3 -- The sexiest MTV VMAs moment, ever



      If you didn't die a thousand deaths when Brit ripped off that suit, I'm assuming it's because you weren't alive when it happened. Watching this still gives me chills, and I will not be judged for it. It was amazing.

      #2 -- X Factor faces





      Britney's faces were so fire on X Factor that there's an entire Tumblr dedicated to them. These are the only reactions I need in my life.

      #1 -- Denim on denim on denim (with an assist from Justin Timberlake)

      via mtv

      Nothing in history has ever been better than this moment.  Try to find a single flaw in this photo. I Highlights-magazine-hidden-picture dare you. It's impossible.

      Happy Birthday, Brit! Keep doing you.

      Did I miss any of your favorite Britney moments? Let's talk more about our favorite person.



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      Saturday, November 29, 2014

      Busta Rhymes Fell Off A Stage, Because We're Too Old For This Sh*t

      A video posted by Mess Kid (@messkid) on

      Listen, Bus a Bus. Sometimes it's hard to accept the aging process. I totally understand that. It's like you wake up one day, and you've got hang-y down elbow skin. I feel you deeply on this.

      But you know what you don't start doing when you realize you're getting old as shit and making rap videos/ads for minivans? You don't try to hang with the young dudes and turn all things all the way up near the edge of a stage. Especially when the last time we saw you, you looked like this:


      It's okay, Busta. There's nothing wrong with staying home and diving into a great book with a single glass of wine, then calling it a night no later than 9:30pm. Or maybe catching a matinee movie. Let the kids be kids, with their drinking and stage dancing. Trust me, no one enjoyed several Crown and diets and a stage dance quite like me in the early-to-mid '00s, but it's time to hang our hats on those memories, B. Our time for such tom foolery has passed, and huzzah to that!


      Let's just accept that we're too old for this shit and quietly settle into middle age gracefully. Call me if you want to start a book club. I'm still reading Amy Poehler, but I'm open to your suggestions.




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      Thursday, November 27, 2014

      Problem Solvers: Help, I Can't Put On Eyeliner


      Remember this graphic? Probs not, because I only used it once. I had big-ass plans to do a help column (section? I should know this) on this blog to remedy beauty issues, then I got shitty and only did it once. What can I say? I'm still the same ol' G.

      So here I am to make semi-amends by helping my sisters (and brothers) that have told me "I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO APPLY EYELINER IN VARIOUS FORMS," and then run away in shame. Hide no more, my friends. It's not happening anymore. Not on my watch.

      Shall we delve?

      The "I Can't Draw a Straight Line on My Eye" Crew

      ud 24/7 eye pencil in zero ($20) & sephora waterproof gel eyeliner ($14)

      Listen, I kind of feel you on this one. I personally can't draw a straight eyeliner line on an eyeball with a pencil unless I pull my eyelid. Like the old school, totally gives you wrinkles style. It's not cute.

      So the great alternative, easy-like-woah way to define your eyes is to do a slightly smudgy line. You have a couple of options as far as products to use on this one. I MUCH prefer a gel/cream eyeliner and brush combo because it's easier to control, but you can also use a creamy (gag) pencil and your finger. Or brush. You know my style -- do whatever the eff you want.


      If you're using the cream/gel liner and a brush, it's ridiculously friggin' easy. Just wiggle the brush into your upper lash line, moving along the length of your eyelid, from the outside in. SO DAMN SIMPLE.

      If you want to work the pencil eyeliner, hold it against your lashes and make little dots across your lash line. Then lightly smudge the dots with either your pinky or a flat brush to connect the dots (har har) into a single, smoky line. Now you're all defined-up, eye-pulling and straight lines be damned.

      The "What the Hell is a Waterline?" Squad

      sephora waterproof gel eyeliner ($14)

      Waterlines are notoriously difficult to deal with when it comes to eyeliner. They're like the (alleged) Katherine Heigls of the beauty world. And because of this, I will only use gel or cream liner to line my bottom waterline. I just stays so much better.

      I've been using a Sephora waterproof cream liner forever (ever), but when I went to replace it, I found that it's been discontinued and replaced with this gel liner. And this new liner is straight Meh City, USA, but it's still better than using a pencil liner. That's how much I hate pencil liner on my bottom waterline. I'll take 'meh' over it.


      For the bottom waterline, just pat on a waterproof gel/cream eyeliner with a thin, flat brush. If you're oily, or have juicy eyeballs, top with black eyeshadow to keep that shit in check. I promise it will cut down on the bleeding of the liner and keep you from looking a crazy mess.

      On the upper waterline, press the liner into the lashes from underneath with your choice of beauty weapon. Make sure that you wiggle the liner a little to get in between the lashes. You don't want weird spaces popping up in there. It makes your eyelashes look patchy, and homie don't play that nonsense. This little trick will make you look like you have a bazillion lashes and also somehow more awake. I don't know why. I'm not a scientist.

      The "Cat-eye Eyeliner is Too Hard" Homies

      kat von d tattoo liner ($18)

      Hey scared-of-cat-eye friend, guess what? I USED TO BE YOU, MAN. I didn't know how the hell to draw on a winged line to save my damn life for a long-ass time. Then my cousin, who is the type to wear cat-eyes every day, showed me this triangle trick many a year ago, and that shit promptly changed my eyeliner life.


      Here's the big secret -- don't just draw some weirdo line coming straight off the side of your eyelid and call it a day. Instead, draw a line angling toward the end(ish) of your eyebrow. It can be straight or swoop-y. It's your world. Then draw on a line from the end point of that first line, back to your lash line. Now fill in that shape. The last step is to line your lash line, from either the very inner corner of your eye or the start of your lashes, and connect it to the shape you have drawn. You can make the lash line line (???) as thin or as thick as you want. Remember? Do whatever your eyeballs tell you.

      Okay, that's all I've got. I think I've covered all of the bases and their bases. If you've got more eyeliner issues, please let me know if I can help. Maybe it's something that I've never even heard of. That would be kind of dope.

      Also, tell me your other beauty problems that you would like me to (attempt to) solve. Or non-beauty stuffs. Maybe I can help with that, too. I'm a great listener.




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      Tuesday, November 25, 2014

      Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: Bliss Spa's Fat Girl Slim Treatment



      I'm a big ol' fan of Bliss Spa products, so when I got the opportunity to try their Fat Girl Slim treatment for my latest Allure Insiders video, I was pretty damn pumped. There are rubbery masks and tightly-wrapped mylar blankets involved!

      Watch the video and see what the happs are with this badass treatment.



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      Saturday, November 22, 2014

      I Hope We All Get To Rub This Pig's Belly This Weekend



      I need to rub this tiny pig's belly, like, more than anything.

      Britney Spears' "Gimme More" must have been written about baby piglet tummy scratch videos, because that's the only thing that makes sense in this world. Gimme, gimme more piggy vids.

      If you have ever in your life seen anything cuter, please share in the comments.




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      Friday, November 21, 2014

      10 Reasons I'm Glad I'm Not A Dude

      Let's be real, dudes have it easier in a multitude of ways. I'm not going to list them now, we're all painfully aware of that shit. But with Thanksgiving coming up, and everyone flooding your social media with "OMGZZZZ I'M SO THANKFUL FOR FLOWERS #WHATIMTHANKFULFOR2014," I thought I would turn the tables with my thoughts on why I'm so glad I'm NOT a dude.

      #1 -- Pretty much zero clothing options. "Hmmm. Should I wear this boring-ass shirt and these semi-blah pants or THIS boring-ass shirt with THESE semi-blah pants? Decisions, decisions." And shoe options are, like, boat shoes or something else that's almost as bad as a boat shoe.


      Unless you're Lenny Kravtiz. Then you do whatever the hell you want.

      #2 -- Being expected to do socially constructed "mantivities." This definitely goes both ways when it comes to gender (OBVS -- why am I supposed to be the cooker/cleaner/caretaker/whatever? Dumb.), but guys are traditionally expected to do the grossest tasks like killing bugs or other varmints and taking out the leaky, garbage juice-soaked trash. Plus, it's assumed that you watch sports things. NOPE.

      #3 -- Your ween telling you to do shit like this.



      Dudes be lookin' gross like woah.

      #4 -- And really, just having a wang at all.



      Doesn't it just get in the way all the time? It sounds annoying. Vaginas 4 LYFE.

      #5 -- Dude brain logic.

      A photo posted by Tinder Nightmares (@tindernightmares) on

      This guy's brain told him that this was totally cool to say. How is this real life? STOP THE INSANITY.

      #6 -- Basic haircuts (typically). Most dudes have one of three or so haircuts. And if you branch out, the results can be dreadful.

      #7 -- Balls.

      #8 -- Beards. JK, beards are dope and I wish I had one. I almost want to get a beard weave, like this guy.


      JK times two. That beard weave is ridiculous. Mine would be made from unicorn manes and have beads or other accoutrements.

      #9 -- Being a stanky ass b. Guys smell worse. I'm sorry, it's science.

      via holymaurymotherofgod

      Dammit, Danjuma! I'm getting real tired of your bullshit.

      #10 -- People judge your ass for beautifying stuff. Okay, this is a tough one. Women are EXPECTED to do crap to enhance our looks, but if a dude gets a manicure, or a spray tan, or wears any kind of makeup, people get weird about it. Who cares? Let people do whatever the eff they want to themselves. Or don't do what they want to themselves. Both ways. Ladies that don't want to shave their bodies and guys that wear lip gloss? Get over it, world. It's not your life.

      What did I leave out? What makes you thankful to be lady-folk? It's Thanksgiving times!



      videos via reddit cringe

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      Wednesday, November 19, 2014

      TINY HAMSTER THANKSGIVING IS HERE, AND IT IS THE SH*T



      It's almost T-gives, which is pretty exciting in itself, because you get to eat your friggin' face off without mofos judging your every bite. I'LL HAVE A SLICE OF ALL THE PIES, THANK YOU, AND YOU CAN SAY NOTHING.


      Sorry, mom.

      But what's even better than bottomless crescent rolls? Tiny animals eating GD thimblefuls of cranberry sauce, that's what. Not to mention tiny lattice-topped pies and the wee-est turkey that's ever that's ever wee-ed.

      This is the world's cutest Fauxsgiving, ever. So don't even try to top it, Jennifer Lawrence. Or Chris Pratt. Unless Pratt is topless. Maybe give it a go and see what happens.



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      Tuesday, November 18, 2014

      The Best Beauty Products I've Never Talked About

      I can be a dick. (No comments from the peanut gallery.) Sometimes I try some good good, get hooked, then forget to tell you about it. AND THAT'S MY ONE JOB. Okay, it's like one of three to four jobs that I have, but it's way friggin' up there.

      So today is all about rectifying my crappiness and talking about all the stuff I've been way into lately. You have my apologies, m'lady (or m'dude where applicable).

      Living Proof Prime Style Extender

      living proof prime style extender (sephora, $20)

      This stuff is kind of the tits. My friend Shauna (whaddup!) got a sample of this from Sephora and promptly told me that I needed it. So, of course, I ordered it that night. I have issues, one of which is buying whatever people tell me I need. I know my people won't steer me wrong.

      You can use this stuff solo, or you can use it with all of your other hair babies. I use it with something I'll tell you about in a minute, and also whatever I'm vibing on at any moment. It gives your hair volume and keeps it soft, but also holds the style of whatever the hell you do to your hair without any kind of crunchy hair situation. It's supposed to also keep your hair from getting dirty on those second/third/I don't know your life days, and it does, but very minimally for me. I'm a dirty oil rig, you know this.

      Kat Von D Tattoo Liner

      kat von d tattoo liner in trooper (sephora, $18)

      I know that I've been touting the praises of the Marc Jacobs Magic Marc'er liner for the past year or so (AND I LOVE THAT FORMULA), but I kept fraying the end of that liner, because it's a felt-tip, and it was pissing me off. It's not the Marc'er, it's me. I go hard.

      So I picked up this Kat Von D Tattoo Liner because it has a teeny tiny brush THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN REALLY EFF UP. To show you how precise the brush is, I wrote "bloop" on my arm. It was the first thing that came to my mind grapes. Thanks, Nene Leakes.


      Like the Magic Marc'er, this stuff staaaaaays and slays. If I wasn't a gross person, I would still be doing Marc (zing!), and still love it if I don't need to be precise. They're both dope. Don't make me choose and shit.

      Macadamia Healing Oil Treatment

      macadamia healing oil treatment in travel size (ulta, $6.50)

      I happened upon this Macadamia Healing Oil Treatment on accident. When I was in LA last month, I forgot to pack any kind of hair oil, and I can't live without some kind of somethin' somethin' on these sad strands. So I stopped at the closest CVS to my hotel, and found this wee little bottle of magic. This bottle is TINY. I put it next to a banana for scale.

      To my surprise, I LOVE THIS SHIT. (It really shouldn't be a shock, I love Macadamia products.) It's super-moisturizing, so it's a slice of perfection pie if you have dry-ass hair ends and put off haircuts for a million months at a time. (No? That's just me?) If I could fill a baby pool with this stuff and float in it, I would. I guess in this scenario I'm the size of a baby? Whatever.

      Speaking of babies...

      Maybelline Baby Lips Dr. Rescue

      maybelline baby lips dr. rescue

      I'm one of those a-holes that think having something on your lips is an addiction, and this is my latest crack-y item.

      My lips have been really dry lately, so when I saw a double pack of these menthol-y puppies in CVS the other day I snatched them up toute suite. They're like the OG Maybelline Baby Lips products (which are great on their own), but tingly. In a good way. I'm into the tingly-burning. TINGLES 4 LYFE.


      Okay, you're all caught up on my recent secret beauty product homies. Have you tried anything lately that you can't get enough of? Tell me all of your ride-or-dies. I can never have too many.



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