In the best thing you've ever heard in your life news (no, Koala Yummies aren't coming back), Vulture has just reported that the possible/questionable/it's-just-a-vibe-I-get douche James Franco will be remaking everyone on the planet's favorite movie, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. Merry Christmas, Happy (belated) Hanukkah, and Happy (early) Kwanzaa.
In even better news, TORI SPELLING MIGHT BE PLAYING THE MOTHER.
This person.
You know, this human being.
The person that's always keeping it 100 on the streets. Totally real. (Tor-tally Real?™)
Just stays keeping it all the way real.
Speaking of real talk, I have this shirt. Bye forever. Or until MMISWD reboot is presented to my eyeballs.
Be honest -- is today the most exciting day of your life? If you say no, I don't even know you.
Are you still into J Law(r)? Or are you of the camp that thinks her whole deal is a shtick-y shtick shtick and you've had just about enough of her bullshit? Like the whole, "LOLZ I FELL AGAIN" thing is definitely a thing now, but I happen to still find this little Hot Pocket endearing as eff, and I hate everyone, but that's just one layperson's opinion.
I did glean an interesting bit from this video -- Jenny LIKES A BOOTCUT JEAN. How Jennifer Aniston 2.0 of her! I bet she slathers on the Aveeno, too.
I wonder if hanging out with Jen 2.0 is like going zip lining. At first you're like, "This shit is fun," but around zip line seven of ten you're more, "I think I'm done and I might vomit if I don't get this GD helmet off."
JK, JL. I love annoying zip lines and I would soar through the sky forever with you. Islands in the stream, that is what we are.
I LOVE some cheap-ass-ness, but only if it's good cheap-ass-ness. No one is into a crappy beauty product, whether it costs two cents or two billion cents. Sorry for 2004.
With this in mind, I put together a list of some of my favorite stuff I haven't necessarily beaten you over the head with (AKA my Maybelline Brow Pencils in Blonde), and that all cost less than one thousand pennies.
1. L'Oreal Mega Moisture Nurturing Creme
I did a post on L'Oreal Mega Moisture Nurturing Creme as one of my first acts of blogging a million years ago, and I'm still on its jock. Full disclosure -- the price of this (with a Sally's card) is $10.29, but C'MON.
It's basically ten bucks.
I have never used a more moisturizing conditioner than this mutha. And it smells like a damn fruit-bearing flower, in the best and most fragrant way. AND it makes your hair shimmer and shine like a brand new Crystal Pepsi. Refreshing.
2. ColourPop Lippie Stix
ColourPop Lippie Stix are one of those products that (along with 99% of other life things) I don't really understand. "Bichette," the red beauty reclined like a Degas lady in front, is one of my favorite lipsticks on this planet and it costs FIVE MF-ing DOLLARS. FIVE. How is this real? And, also, how long do house flies live?
See, there are a lot of things I don't understand, but mostly how these lipsticks are $5. And how gravity works.
3. Maybelline Lash Sensational Mascara
I used to be pretty snobby about mascara, especially when it came to Maybelline. I was like, "Great Lash? More like No Thanks Lash." (I'm really great at word play.) That was until I tried Maybelline Lash Sensational and fell the eff in love.
I've gone through two tubes of this magical, inky goodness that somehow lengthens and really brings the volume heat, and loved every minute. I recently branched out and tried a new mascara, because that's kind of what I'm supposed to be doing here, and it's FINE, but I miss this stuff. A lot. I'm going back. That is all.
4. Ardell Demi Wispies Lashes
Don't judge the grossness of the lashes above. I've used them ten to twenty times and haven't thrown them out, because I'm a cheap-ass scrub.
These might just be my favorite lashes, and that you can get four friggin' sets for $9.99 from Ulta might be a large part of my infatuation with them. I also like that you don't have to treat them like a delicate princess of a flower -- you can do dumb shit like put mascara on over them -- unlike the expensive and ethically-shed mink bitches I also own. I just always seem to come back to these. They're easy, cheap, and don't have the constitution of a Victorian lady. And if these things go sideways (literally or figuratively) YOU CAN THROW THEM OUT.
5. L'Oreal Brow Stylist Plumper
I bought this L'Oreal Brow Stylist Plumper in Medium to Dark without even knowing what it was all about. I was really just curious about it, and also have a strong desire to hold all of the world's brow
products in my wine-stained paws.
It apparently has tiny fibers in it to mimic brow hairs or some shit. I don't know what the hell is going on in that tube, but I'm into it. It's like a non-crunchy tinted brow gel that also makes your brows look a little thicker. Please reference above, where I don't understand how these things work.
6. Batiste Dry Shampoo
My scalp oil knows no limits. It could be an alternate energy source.
Having a dry shampoo on hand every-friggin-second is a necessity, and Batiste Dry Shampoo (in a million varieties) is the only one I really care to have. It doesn't smell horrible, actually works, and doesn't leave a crime scene of powder all over your hair and scalp. This is that shit. Get it.
7. Floss Gloss Polish
Floss Gloss Nail Lacquers are hands down (har har) my favorite nail polishes. The colors are dope and they don't have the bad shit in them. I've never met a FG polish that I wasn't completely obsessed with.
I'm going to be featuring one of their newer shades (it's in the pic above and I LOVE IT and I bet you can guess which one) in a video on my current favorite stuff, which will probably be filmed in 2056 because I'm reliable.
8. Palmer's Cocoa Butter
I recently told the tale of how I first fell in love with Palmer's Cocoa Butter almost twenty years ago. It's an ongoing and devoted saga, because it's still my ride-or-die choice when it comes to moisturizing.
And my newest cocoa-scented discovery is that Palmers with SPF is even better. It smells even more chocolate-y, while allowing my vampiric tendencies to flourish. I'm basically Count Chocula.
9. Not Your Mother's Dry Finish Texture Spray
Although this texture spray is not my FAVORITE favorite, that's reserved for Bumble and bumble Dryspun Finish, this is by far my favorite drugstore hair score. My friend Shauna (who has fantastic hair) told me I had to try this, and she was not lying. This stuff is good. Just don't get too loosey goosey with the spray job -- too much will give you cotton candy hair.
10. NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream
NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream is straight-up fantastic. "London," the homie up front, is my go-to for all of my nude lip needs. It's beige-y and not orange. The formula is matte without being drying and crinkly. It's everything I want in life.
I got a Facebook message from someone a couple months ago that was like, "HELP, I'M AT TARGET AND I NEED A GREAT CHEAP LIPSTICK ALSKDJFLKAJF." And I was all, "This shit right here."And that's how it always goes. I'll tell random shoppers, too. I'm annoying.
And there are all of my secret (and not so secret) cheap-ish favorites. I am spent, but my money ain't.
Time for some real talk -- this post is not for a super-glammed out mug. Reference this for when your face has a haze of meh all over it, and you need to look like functioning human head. The days when you're not shooting for the stars, you're just aiming for the horizon, I guess.
Let's see what we're starting with:
Pretty, pretty, pretty blah.
And as you can see, I am the ultimate trash, because I was watching Vanderpump Rules in the background. Hey, Jax's fourth nose job. Thanks for being here.
Also, please ignore my overly bronzed bod. I put on self tanner and haven't washed off the color guide yet, because ultimate trash and all.
Let's ignore all that noise and working on this mug.
Let Your Brows Carry You Through the Tough Times
Take a lesson from my best friend Britney Spears -- having actual eyebrows on your face can make a world of difference in life. And if not life, at least your face. It brings a structure and shape to your eye like nothing else really can.
Today I used Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade in Dark Brown to fill these puppies in, but you can use whatever you have in you Downtown Julie Brow(n) arsenal -- eyeshadow, brow powder, pencil -- live your life. Just fill in the sparseness and bring a little more boldness to those sad sacks. If you have naturally sad sacks like I do.
Bring Some Drama Lite to Your Eyeballs
I once interviewed Trish McEvoy (#humblebrag), and the best tip she told me was how to create the appearance of fuller lashes by dotting eyeliner between your actual lashes on your upper lash line. As inelegant as the following sounds (surprise, surprise, coming from me), if you lightly smoosh a creamy eyeliner into your eyelashes, it looks like you have a billion lashes without giving the appearance of liner. It's just like, "Hey, you've you dope eyelashes. And a lot of them."
For this, I used Eddie Funkhouser Graffiti Creme Eye Pencil (which they sent me like a year ago and I just tried recently and love for this), but you can use anything with a creamy or gel texture. Just not a super-hard (heh) pencil. It will pull too much and not give you enough color payoff.
For the finale of your David Blaine-level lash illusion, finish up with a wiggle of mascara. I used L'Oreal Voluminous Superstar Mascara for this, which is one of those two-sided deals, but I just used the actual mascara side and skipped the primer side. You know I'm lazy to the bone.
Fake that Flush
One of the biggest blah-faced culprits is having a monotone-ass skin tone. It just says, "I'm on bed rest or something of that ilk," and even if you are on bed rest or something of that ilk, you don't have to look like it.
The solution to this unfortunate pallor is using a combo of bronzer and blush to create a flushed-face fake out. I'm using products from this Too Faced Blushed & Bronzed Set because I prefer a bronzer sans a lot of sparkle. I have shit skin and the glittery stuff brings out even more imperfections. I also think a matte bronzer looks more natural, because my skin tends not to glitter up. I don't bleed body glitter.
I'm not using these dudes to contour -- more for just a general glowiness, putting the bronzer where the sun would naturally hit you, if you went in the sun, but you don't because you're trying to stay forever young. (No? Just me?)
You can also use this combo on your eyelids to make them peepers pop even more. I didn't do this because I'm the worst, but it would have looked noice.
A Little Pink-ed Out Lip
A pink lip is complementary as hell to a human being's complexion. It's like taking that whole "your lips but better" idea and kicking that shit up 12 notches. Roughly. It just makes you look alive, man.
This is labeled a lip stain, but it's kind of like a long-wear lipstick that FADES INTO A LIP STAIN. It's MF-ing magic.
The before is like, "Someone create a Kickstarter for this Silly Putty
face." After is like, "Okay, that's a human being and I think they're
alive." Upgrade!
I recently bought the Are You Afraid of the Dark trilogy, because how could I not, and also...
Reading these books again really brought me back to being a weird kid, reenacting the stories in front of my Stepmom's video camera. Especially my literal ride-or-die (it's basically all horseback riding) story, "Cold as Clay."
In tribute, I did a non-scary eye look inspired by this two-paged tale of terror. Okay, terror is way too strong. Curiosity? Whatever, watch if you're into it.
Don't worry, I will be saying all of the appropriate goodbyes here, where we can have time to mourn the kookiest-ass moments ever seen on reality TV. And I'm not being hyperbolic by throwing out the term kooky. THIS SHIT IS KOOKY.
This actual shit show (hate that I love you) is in its TWENTY-MF-ing-SECOND SEASON, which just seems excessive and unnecessary. It's high time for a goodbye, even though it's tough.
Will we miss Ty Ty? Yeah, sure, whatever. But I think we know our hearts will really have a hole the exact same size as one Miss J. Alexander in a few short months.
Where will we get our much needed weekly dose of glamour? Courtney Stodden?
She can't even get on this level. No one can.
I'll also miss the never ending crop of beautiful weirdos the producers keep inexplicably finding year after year.
I do know.
Stop it.
Stop it, the sequel.
We feel you.
Basically, how I feel about this whole show, which I have spent 95829850439 hours of my life watching.
You mean you're kooky and you're kooky?
I don't have a problem with this one.
And to be fair, Tyra has had her own moments of (mostly unintentional) entertainment.
Babies are vastly overrated. Modeling a cardigan in a Sears catalog is not.
This...cannot be real. Please let this be real.
This is the end of the road, Ty Ty. Pack your bags and return home.
