How To Take Your Face From "Blah" To "Blam-ish" In A Few Easy Steps

Time for some real talk -- this post is not for a super-glammed out mug. Reference this for when your face has a haze of meh all over it, and you need to look like functioning human head. The days when you're not shooting for the stars, you're just aiming for the horizon, I guess.

Let's see what we're starting with:

Pretty, pretty, pretty blah.

And as you can see, I am the ultimate trash, because I was watching Vanderpump Rules in the background. Hey, Jax's fourth nose job. Thanks for being here.

Also, please ignore my overly bronzed bod. I put on self tanner and haven't washed off the color guide yet, because ultimate trash and all.

Let's ignore all that noise and working on this mug.

Let Your Brows Carry You Through the Tough Times

Take a lesson from my best friend Britney Spears -- having actual eyebrows on your face can make a world of difference in life. And if not life, at least your face. It brings a structure and shape to your eye like nothing else really can.

Today I used Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade in Dark Brown to fill these puppies in, but you can use whatever you have in you Downtown Julie Brow(n) arsenal -- eyeshadow, brow powder, pencil -- live your life. Just fill in the sparseness and bring a little more boldness to those sad sacks. If you have naturally sad sacks like I do.

Bring Some Drama Lite to Your Eyeballs

I once interviewed Trish McEvoy (#humblebrag), and the best tip she told me was how to create the appearance of fuller lashes by dotting eyeliner between your actual lashes on your upper lash line. As inelegant as the following sounds (surprise, surprise, coming from me), if you lightly smoosh a creamy eyeliner into your eyelashes, it looks like you have a billion lashes without giving the appearance of liner. It's just like, "Hey, you've you dope eyelashes. And a lot of them."

For this, I used Eddie Funkhouser Graffiti Creme Eye Pencil (which they sent me like a year ago and I just tried recently and love for this), but you can use anything with a creamy or gel texture. Just not a super-hard (heh) pencil. It will pull too much and not give you enough color payoff.

For the finale of your David Blaine-level lash illusion, finish up with a wiggle of mascara. I used L'Oreal Voluminous Superstar Mascara for this, which is one of those two-sided deals, but I just used the actual mascara side and skipped the primer side. You know I'm lazy to the bone.

Fake that Flush

One of the biggest blah-faced culprits is having a monotone-ass skin tone. It just says, "I'm on bed rest or something of that ilk," and even if you are on bed rest or something of that ilk, you don't have to look like it.

The solution to this unfortunate pallor is using a combo of bronzer and blush to create a flushed-face fake out. I'm using products from this Too Faced Blushed & Bronzed Set because I prefer a bronzer sans a lot of sparkle. I have shit skin and the glittery stuff brings out even more imperfections. I also think a matte bronzer looks more natural, because my skin tends not to glitter up. I don't bleed body glitter.

I'm not using these dudes to contour -- more for just a general glowiness, putting the bronzer where the sun would naturally hit you, if you went in the sun, but you don't because you're trying to stay forever young. (No? Just me?)

You can also use this combo on your eyelids to make them peepers pop even more. I didn't do this because I'm the worst, but it would have looked noice.

A Little Pink-ed Out Lip

A pink lip is complementary as hell to a human being's complexion. It's like taking that whole "your lips but better" idea and kicking that shit up 12 notches. Roughly. It just makes you look alive, man.

I'm using the Sephora Collection Rouge Infusion Lip Stain in Peony that I got in the Sephora Give Me Some Lip set, which I am currently super into. It's like a appetizer sampler that features really bacon-y apps. It's delicious.

This is labeled a lip stain, but it's kind of like a long-wear lipstick that FADES INTO A LIP STAIN. It's MF-ing magic. 

The before is like, "Someone create a Kickstarter for this Silly Putty face." After is like, "Okay, that's a human being and I think they're alive." Upgrade!

That's the end???

Yes.

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Weird Makeup Inspo: Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark

I recently bought the Are You Afraid of the Dark trilogy, because how could I not, and also...

Reading these books again really brought me back to being a weird kid, reenacting the stories in front of my Stepmom's video camera. Especially my literal ride-or-die (it's basically all horseback riding) story, "Cold as Clay."

In tribute, I did a non-scary eye look inspired by this two-paged tale of terror. Okay, terror is way too strong. Curiosity? Whatever, watch if you're into it.




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A Farewell To The Ridiculous: Goodbye, America's Next Top Model

By now, I'm sure you've heard the tragic national news: America's Next Top Model is coming to an end.

Don't worry, I will be saying all of the appropriate goodbyes here, where we can have time to mourn the kookiest-ass moments ever seen on reality TV. And I'm not being hyperbolic by throwing out the term kooky. THIS SHIT IS KOOKY.

This actual shit show (hate that I love you) is in its TWENTY-MF-ing-SECOND SEASON, which just seems excessive and unnecessary. It's high time for a goodbye, even though it's tough.

Will we miss Ty Ty? Yeah, sure, whatever. But I think we know our hearts will really have a hole the exact same size as one Miss J. Alexander in a few short months.

Where will we get our much needed weekly dose of glamour? Courtney Stodden?

She can't even get on this level. No one can.

I'll also miss the never ending crop of beautiful weirdos the producers keep inexplicably finding year after year.

I do know.

Stop it.

Stop it, the sequel.

We feel you.

Basically, how I feel about this whole show, which I have spent 95829850439 hours of my life watching.

You mean you're kooky and you're kooky?

I don't have a problem with this one.

And to be fair, Tyra has had her own moments of (mostly unintentional) entertainment.

Babies are vastly overrated. Modeling a cardigan in a Sears catalog is not.

This...cannot be real. Please let this be real.

This is the end of the road, Ty Ty. Pack your bags and return home.

Goodnight, moon.

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Pop Culture Beauty School: Lips Inspired By Your Favorite Pop Music Videos

It should come as no surprise that I basically base all my life choices on pop culture.

What should I eat for dinner? Chinese takeout, care of SATC's Miranda Hobbes. What should I watch right now? Reruns of Malibu Country, courtesy of Heather/Gretchen/Alexis on Real Housewives of Orange County. What should I NOT do with my life? Murder people, thanks to every episode of every show I've seen at least thirty-seven times on Discovery ID, or Investigation Discovery. (Side note: WHAT IS THE OFFICIAL NAME OF THIS CHANNEL? I watch it 90% of my life, and it's still unclear to me.)

Then, naturally, the lipstick I wear is based directly upon what the eff I'm listening to. Here's a cosmetic-filled road map to it all.

Robert Palmer - Addicted to Love

This is probably the most obvious link between lips and music videos that ever existed. "Addicted to Love" is basically a lipstick-and-legs commercial, with a dash of LA Looks hair gel thrown into the mix. X-TREME hold.

If this video doesn't make your heart skip several beats over that bold-ass red lip, you can take your not-scarlet-y lips have several seats.

This ColourPop Lippie Sitx in Bichette ($5, ColourPop) is almost a match made in classic-red-lipped heaven with this Robert Palmer jam. Just with a smidge less shine. Might as well face it, this lipstick is the shit. And it costs $5.

Aqua - Barbie Girl

Okay, okay, this song and video are more annoying than watching episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond and then Coach with your dad, but the '90s were annoying. They just were.

Similarly, this NYX Cosmetics Matte Lipstick in Shocking Pink ($5.99, Ulta) is annoyingly bright, but in the most complementary sense of the word. Plus, it's pretty much the exact shade of pink (with a touch lilac) as the convertible in the video. Hate the song, not the lip, H8RZ.

Britney Spears - Oops!...I Did It Again

Other than Brit's acting chops (AKA "the old lady dropping it into the ocean at the end"), this video lived and died with that red pleather jumpsuit.

This tarte LipSurgence lip gloss in natural beauty ($19, tarte) is the reddest and glossiest thing I have in my lip arsenal, but I still don't think it does Britney's getup the SHINE and RED justice it truly deserves. Awww, you shouldn't have...OOPS, I...Maybe next time.

Alanis Morrisette - Thank U

"Thank U" is no "You Oughta Know," because there can never be enough songs about allegedly fellating Dave Coulier in a movie theater, but it's the most naked music video that came to mind.

Nude lipstick is notoriously difficult, because everyone has a different skin tone and desired level of opaque-ness, but this NYX Cosmetics Soft Matte Lip Cream in London ($5.99, Ulta) is a beige-y dream in a tube. It's like an impenetrable pair of L'eggs hosiery: all vaguely tan with zero shine. But, you know, sexy.

UB40 - Red Red Wine

Real talk -- I hate this GD song -- I really just wanted to talk about the magic of this kind-of-lipstick lipstick.

If you've ever wanted the color of a wined-out lip stain, but the moisture of a lip chap, Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey (Clinique, $17) will be your all-marshmallow box o' Lucky Charms. It's the perfect blackberry jam lite color, and if I wasn't disgusted by the word creamy, I would almost say it's creamy (BLEH BLEH BLEH). It's gel-y? Jelly? I don't know; it's fantastic.

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Things That Make You Go Hmmmm...I Want To Vomit

Sometimes in life, you feel things. Sometimes those things are like, "This is okay, I guess." Other times it's like, "This is not really okay, and I kind of want to barf." These are those times.

That No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom album came out 20 GD YEARS AGO. 

That's two decades (which are comprised of ten years apiece), if you need help. This album would be in her junior year of college, working toward a degree in International Business. TWENTY YEARS OLD.

Vom Level: Like 2. It's disconcerting, but eat a Werther's flavored Tums and you'll be fine, you old-ass.

These ridiculous MF-ers. 

Why does a one-sized shirt with the texture of crumpled, pointy tissue paper need to exist on this planet? Also, when they sell shirts in Walgreens, you know that shit is done.

Vom Level: Let's call it a 3. Remembering the feeling of this fabric on my skin gives me the creeps.

How many bugs that are probably in food. 

I think about this a lot and I'm always like:

Vom Level: A solid 8. Bugs need to get the hell out of my mouth for any and all reasons.

Hearing other people eat at the movie theater. 

The sound of other people's chewing and swallowing and rustling around of wrappers and shit is disgusting torture to me. I need to live in an isolation chamber to get through life.

Vom Level: To me, 7. To the rest of the universe, probably a -56.

Bieb's Bieb-O-Ween.

1st look at tomorrow's Page 1… KNICK COACH LOVE TRIANGLE http://t.co/tDS9XnSC9m NUDE BIEBER http://t.co/t20WVSd5Yn pic.twitter.com/hBopvHCtd9

— New York Daily News (@NYDailyNews) October 8, 2015

If "Justin's little Bieber" doesn't make you never want to eat a delicious gas station hot dog ever again, I don't even know you.

Vom Level: Obvious 10. Not feeling so hot now, are you, champ?

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To Do Or Not To Do: Matthew McConaughey's Latest Not Hot Character

It looks like Matthew McConaughey has traded in his six-pack abs for an actual six-pack http://t.co/RgpooTGnZW pic.twitter.com/xDdEKFlStz

— Page Six (@PageSix) October 5, 2015

Real talk: would you do this man?

Here we find Matthew McConaughey, filming some movie called Gold, and looking like a sexually confusing hot mess. According to Wikipedia, the movie is about "an unlucky man Kenny Wells (Matthew McConaughey), who teams-up with a geologist Michael Acosta (Édgar Ramírez) to find gold deep in the uncharted jungles of Indonesia."

I guess if you don't want to be unlucky in life, one should avoid cockatoo-themed novelty ties? 

But back to the task at hand -- would you? You know that under those ill-fitting pleated slacks lies actual Matthew McConaughey in all his weird glory, but that tongue is very...there.

I'm going to have to pass.

 
Instead, I choose to partake in this puppy's puppy talk.

Sorry, MM, you will never be this cute.




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Beauty Science Fair: I Dyed My Eyebrows And I'll Never Go Back

If you don't follow me on social media, you might not have heard the very exciting and important world news that I have dyed my hair darker. Mourn or celebrate appropriately.

Because I'm naturally a blah, dirty-ass blonde, my natural eyebrows have followed boring suit, and are also a blah, dirty-ass blonde. With my new hair color happenings, I decided to go against nature, as I do with every fiber of my being, and dye those MF-ers. F this life.

I bought this Godefroy kit from Amazon for about $15 to get the job done, and it has a supply of 20 little pre-measured capsules (to also get the job done). Each application is supposed to last about six weeks, but I'm betting on roughly three weeks, based on absolutely nothing but my feelings and life mediations.

This is how the process goes. (AND IT'S EASY AS SHIT, MAN.)

You first need to wash your brows. I just took a shitty washcloth with a little soap and face wash and cleaned off all my normcore eyebrow stuff. (JK, it's the opposite of normcore. It's insanely intense for everyday wear.)

Next, just mix up the supplies. You dump one tiny capsule in a cup with a tiny amount of developer (it comes with a little measuring cup), and stir it up, little darling. Then apply the mixture with the handy-ass angled brush just like you would a brow powder or pomade, like in the picture above.

The instructions say to leave the dye on for one to two minutes, but I didn't want to do that because I'm a non-listening asshole, so I chose to go a little rogue. I applied the dye to one brow, waited one minute, wiped it off with a washcloth, and did the other. I repeated the process three times total. I probably could have stuck with two, but I LIKE MY SHIT DARK AND I DO WHAT I WANT.

Here are the final befores, durings and afters.

This is a full-faced comparison, in which I look very sleepy and over it, because I was, but you can get the idea of the difference.

And because I'm all about this scientific method, here these bitches lie with a completely bare face. (But at least not a sleepy face!)

Also, file this under "What would the offspring of a less attractive Peter Gallagher and Gollum look like?" Also, don't make other LOTR jokes, because I've only seen half of the first one.

I would say that I am firmly into brow jobs. Will I leave them completely nude when I'm wearing makeup? No. I'll probably still do a fill-in of some sparse areas with an eyeshadow and top that with a brow gel, but that is BARE MF-ING BONES in comparison to my usual routine.

Brow dyes, I am in you. Forever.





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