Monday, October 19, 2015

Pop Culture Beauty School: Lips Inspired By Your Favorite Pop Music Videos

It should come as no surprise that I basically base all my life choices on pop culture.


What should I eat for dinner? Chinese takeout, care of SATC's Miranda Hobbes. What should I watch right now? Reruns of Malibu Country, courtesy of Heather/Gretchen/Alexis on Real Housewives of Orange County. What should I NOT do with my life? Murder people, thanks to every episode of every show I've seen at least thirty-seven times on Discovery ID, or Investigation Discovery. (Side note: WHAT IS THE OFFICIAL NAME OF THIS CHANNEL? I watch it 90% of my life, and it's still unclear to me.)

Then, naturally, the lipstick I wear is based directly upon what the eff I'm listening to. Here's a cosmetic-filled road map to it all.


Robert Palmer - Addicted to Love




This is probably the most obvious link between lips and music videos that ever existed. "Addicted to Love" is basically a lipstick-and-legs commercial, with a dash of LA Looks hair gel thrown into the mix. X-TREME hold.

If this video doesn't make your heart skip several beats over that bold-ass red lip, you can take your not-scarlet-y lips have several seats.




This ColourPop Lippie Sitx in Bichette ($5, ColourPop) is almost a match made in classic-red-lipped heaven with this Robert Palmer jam. Just with a smidge less shine. Might as well face it, this lipstick is the shit. And it costs $5.



Aqua - Barbie Girl




Okay, okay, this song and video are more annoying than watching episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond and then Coach with your dad, but the '90s were annoying. They just were.




Similarly, this NYX Cosmetics Matte Lipstick in Shocking Pink ($5.99, Ulta) is annoyingly bright, but in the most complementary sense of the word. Plus, it's pretty much the exact shade of pink (with a touch lilac) as the convertible in the video. Hate the song, not the lip, H8RZ.



Britney Spears - Oops!...I Did It Again



Other than Brit's acting chops (AKA "the old lady dropping it into the ocean at the end"), this video lived and died with that red pleather jumpsuit.




This tarte LipSurgence lip gloss in natural beauty ($19, tarte) is the reddest and glossiest thing I have in my lip arsenal, but I still don't think it does Britney's getup the SHINE and RED justice it truly deserves. Awww, you shouldn't have...OOPS, I...Maybe next time.



Alanis Morrisette - Thank U




"Thank U" is no "You Oughta Know," because there can never be enough songs about allegedly fellating Dave Coulier in a movie theater, but it's the most naked music video that came to mind.




Nude lipstick is notoriously difficult, because everyone has a different skin tone and desired level of opaque-ness, but this NYX Cosmetics Soft Matte Lip Cream in London ($5.99, Ulta) is a beige-y dream in a tube. It's like an impenetrable pair of L'eggs hosiery: all vaguely tan with zero shine. But, you know, sexy.



UB40 - Red Red Wine




Real talk -- I hate this GD song -- I really just wanted to talk about the magic of this kind-of-lipstick lipstick.




If you've ever wanted the color of a wined-out lip stain, but the moisture of a lip chap, Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey (Clinique, $17) will be your all-marshmallow box o' Lucky Charms. It's the perfect blackberry jam lite color, and if I wasn't disgusted by the word creamy, I would almost say it's creamy (BLEH BLEH BLEH). It's gel-y? Jelly? I don't know; it's fantastic.





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Sunday, October 11, 2015

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm...I Want To Vomit



Sometimes in life, you feel things. Sometimes those things are like, "This is okay, I guess." Other times it's like, "This is not really okay, and I kind of want to barf." These are those times.

That No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom album came out 20 GD YEARS AGO. 

That's two decades (which are comprised of ten years apiece), if you need help. This album would be in her junior year of college, working toward a degree in International Business. TWENTY YEARS OLD.


Vom Level: Like 2. It's disconcerting, but eat a Werther's flavored Tums and you'll be fine, you old-ass.

These ridiculous MF-ers. 


Why does a one-sized shirt with the texture of crumpled, pointy tissue paper need to exist on this planet? Also, when they sell shirts in Walgreens, you know that shit is done.

Vom Level: Let's call it a 3. Remembering the feeling of this fabric on my skin gives me the creeps.

How many bugs that are probably in food. 

I think about this a lot and I'm always like:


Vom Level: A solid 8. Bugs need to get the hell out of my mouth for any and all reasons.

Hearing other people eat at the movie theater. 


The sound of other people's chewing and swallowing and rustling around of wrappers and shit is disgusting torture to me. I need to live in an isolation chamber to get through life.

Vom Level: To me, 7. To the rest of the universe, probably a -56.

Bieb's Bieb-O-Ween.

If "Justin's little Bieber" doesn't make you never want to eat a delicious gas station hot dog ever again, I don't even know you.

Vom Level: Obvious 10. Not feeling so hot now, are you, champ?








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Monday, October 5, 2015

To Do Or Not To Do: Matthew McConaughey's Latest Not Hot Character


Real talk: would you do this man?

Here we find Matthew McConaughey, filming some movie called Gold, and looking like a sexually confusing hot mess. According to Wikipedia, the movie is about "an unlucky man Kenny Wells (Matthew McConaughey), who teams-up with a geologist Michael Acosta (Édgar Ramírez) to find gold deep in the uncharted jungles of Indonesia."

I guess if you don't want to be unlucky in life, one should avoid cockatoo-themed novelty ties? 

But back to the task at hand -- would you? You know that under those ill-fitting pleated slacks lies actual Matthew McConaughey in all his weird glory, but that tongue is very...there.

I'm going to have to pass.

 
Instead, I choose to partake in this puppy's puppy talk.



Sorry, MM, you will never be this cute.




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Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Beauty Science Fair: I Dyed My Eyebrows And I'll Never Go Back



If you don't follow me on social media, you might not have heard the very exciting and important world news that I have dyed my hair darker. Mourn or celebrate appropriately.

Because I'm naturally a blah, dirty-ass blonde, my natural eyebrows have followed boring suit, and are also a blah, dirty-ass blonde. With my new hair color happenings, I decided to go against nature, as I do with every fiber of my being, and dye those MF-ers. F this life.


I bought this Godefroy kit from Amazon for about $15 to get the job done, and it has a supply of 20 little pre-measured capsules (to also get the job done). Each application is supposed to last about six weeks, but I'm betting on roughly three weeks, based on absolutely nothing but my feelings and life mediations.

This is how the process goes. (AND IT'S EASY AS SHIT, MAN.)


You first need to wash your brows. I just took a shitty washcloth with a little soap and face wash and cleaned off all my normcore eyebrow stuff. (JK, it's the opposite of normcore. It's insanely intense for everyday wear.)

Next, just mix up the supplies. You dump one tiny capsule in a cup with a tiny amount of developer (it comes with a little measuring cup), and stir it up, little darling. Then apply the mixture with the handy-ass angled brush just like you would a brow powder or pomade, like in the picture above.

The instructions say to leave the dye on for one to two minutes, but I didn't want to do that because I'm a non-listening asshole, so I chose to go a little rogue. I applied the dye to one brow, waited one minute, wiped it off with a washcloth, and did the other. I repeated the process three times total. I probably could have stuck with two, but I LIKE MY SHIT DARK AND I DO WHAT I WANT.

Here are the final befores, durings and afters.


This is a full-faced comparison, in which I look very sleepy and over it, because I was, but you can get the idea of the difference.


And because I'm all about this scientific method, here these bitches lie with a completely bare face. (But at least not a sleepy face!)


Also, file this under "What would the offspring of a less attractive Peter Gallagher and Gollum look like?" Also, don't make other LOTR jokes, because I've only seen half of the first one.

I would say that I am firmly into brow jobs. Will I leave them completely nude when I'm wearing makeup? No. I'll probably still do a fill-in of some sparse areas with an eyeshadow and top that with a brow gel, but that is BARE MF-ING BONES in comparison to my usual routine.

Brow dyes, I am in you. Forever.





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Monday, September 21, 2015

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Burger King's "Black Whopper"


I could be on an episode of "True Life: I Love Black EVERYTHING." Because my heart and soul are black as eff, and you know this, and I tend to think the darker the better (in all scenarios). So much so that my husband and I were watching some show on Discovery ID, like every second of every day in my life, and it was about some goth kids murdering someone. He was like, "I can't believe you weren't a goth." And I said, "It's too much work and feelings. Otherwise, I would have been." The point of that pretty pointless story is that I like black shit. A lot.

BUT THIS HALLOWEEN-Y "BLACK WHOPPER" LOOKS MF-ING GROSS. Why do I want to eat a black bun? How does that even make this a Halloween hamburger? Nary a candy corn or a snaggle-toothed pumpkin in sight.


How boring.


And ordinary.


And not even really trying.


Just pour some liquid smoke in a box and tell me it's a "Ghost Whopper." I'll respect that more.





via a hopefully inaccurate report from Business Insider



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Wednesday, September 16, 2015

7 Times Tonya Harding Was Your Unconventional Beauty Muse


Whoever created this photo deserves at least one of Nancy Kerrigan's medals. (Too soon?)

Here's a true fact for your ass: I'm a low-key stan for Tonya Harding. Her story is just so crazy over-the-top that you can't help but semi-fall in love with her. She has some kind of Amy Fisher/Pamela Smart xtra-lite appeal to her that I can't explain with actual words that make sense. But just know that she lives in my heart.

(P.S. If you haven't watched it, go watch that ESPN doc on the whole Harding/Kerrigan deal. It's amazing. You know it has to be if I just recommended something from ESPN.)

My favorite thing about T Hard is her whole vibe and style. This is a woman with beauty MOMENTS. Here are my favorite times.

When She Had Those Bangs.


If you never had bangs that looked like fledgling sparrows were nesting in them, your ass didn't have BANGS. Pair them with white eyeshadow and you've got yourself a solid, solid look.

And That Scrunchie.


Tonya was like the kaweeen of scrunchies. Her (imagined) hair routine was like: blow dry with one of those tiny Conair dryers that get up to 989852093845 degrees while brushing through your perm, do bangs, slick back into tight ponytail with a handful of LA Looks gel, tie hair back with a giant (preferably velvet) scrunchie, and call that shit a day. Flawless.

And Also That Scrunchie. (With an Assist From That Blush.)


I told you -- queen of scrunchies.

AND THIS EXTREMELY EARLY FRENCH BRAID THAT'S SO EARLY, IT STARTED BEFORE THE CIVIL WAR BEGAN.


Signs that you aren't effing around with your French braid: it starts at your eyebrows.

And This One Eyebrow.


Speaking of brows, this is a natural one. Hey dude, it's been a minute since I've seen one of you.

And This Eyeliner.


The Hard learned she was a "Spring" skin tone and went to MF-ing town with that blue eyeliner. Went to all the towns. She was so pleased, that she let Nancy borrow one of the royal scrunchies.

AND LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THIS KODAK MOMENT. 


I dare you to find one single thing that isn't perfect about this. I DARE YOU. This should hang in the Louvre.






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Thursday, September 10, 2015

Semi-Tipsy Talks: How To Deal With An Ugly Day



Life ain't all sunshine and unicorn manes, especially when it comes to how you feel about yourself. Here's a (kind of) Tipsy Talk (the first!) about how to deal with an ugly day.


But really just a little. 


 


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