Tuesday, February 24, 2015

My New Favorite Lip Homies

I have pretty major issues when it comes to hoarding lip stuff. I've got balms, glosses, lipsticks, chapsticks, not to mention other lip things that I'm not even sure what they do, stashed like friggin' contraband all around every area of my life. (I almost said every orifice, but no, that's too far. Even for me.)

But you know what I don't have? A MF-ing gangster lip serum. You know why? Because I've never heard of one. Not to mention one for an old and sad sack set of lips like mine. Enter Murad Rapid Collagen Infusion for Lips ($24), stage right.


Murad sent me these angel tears shoved sweetly into a plummy tube about a week ago, and I am hooked on this stuff. It gives your lips a plump and pillowy feel, but IT'S NOT THAT CHEAP-ASS STINGING TRICK. We're onto you, stingy lip shit. This is all about moisture and straight-up science. (I'm guessing.) This is what Murad says:

"Instantly smooths and hydrates for an ideal base under lipstick, gloss or balm. Simultaneously boosts micro-circulation for plumper, fuller lips while working over time to reduce the appearance of vertical lip lines and wrinkles" 

MICRO-CIRCULATION. That is more science-y than Mr. Wizard (RIP).


Another perfect usage of this serum (!!!) is as a base for matte lipsticks. It just erases any weird and unfortunate drying and discomfort issues that you might typically have with lip stuff that's on the matte-y end of the spectrum. Also, that sounded like a Summer's Eve commercial, and for that, I deeply apologize.


But it does bring me to my next current favorites, more ColourPop Lippie Stix.


I already bought a couple of the Lippie Stix a while ago, and I decided that I needed to get more, mostly because they're FIVE GD DOLLARS and I really love the formula. This time around, I decided to do the deed with Frida, Dalia and Cookie.

Lordt, do I love these Lippie Stix. They're just easy. You can use the edge of the stick as more of a lip-lining-tool-deal, and they aren't too big and cumbersome to work with, which is nice when you're using a bold/bright/whatever lip color. They're just an all-around damn delight.

So as long as these puppies are $5, I'll be like:


(But, only like five times, because times. Because it's only five dollar bills.)




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Friday, February 20, 2015

Beauty Battle: High-End vs Drugstore Brow Pencil


You know that my life's quest is to find the very best eyebrow products and present them to you in an unfortunately-worded and photographed manner. That, and to eat as many Mother's Circus Animal Cookies as humanly possible without passing on. It's a real journey. Like Eat, Pray, Love, but slightly less annoying.

I come to you today with a tale as old as time...


You find a really MF-ing delightful beauty product, but is it REALLY really worth it? And how does it compare to a way cheaper, but still boss-ass, similar product?

Let us explore. WHEEEEE!

The High-End Homie

anastasia beverly hills brow wiz in taupe (sephora, $21)

Pros:
  • It's super-precise. Like almost too precise? (If that were a thing.)
  • The color is perfectly ashy, so you will never have weird-ass orange eyebrows. Even Carrot Top doesn't want orange eyebrows.
  • It has a spoolie on the end for blending, which actually comes in handy.
  • The pencil is twist-up (automatic? I don't know, whatever). I'm a lazy, so this is big for me. I hate sharpening shit. I also hate pencil shavings. It's like #432 on my list of things that I hate. Not as high as finding a stranger's fingernail on a public table, but it's on there.
Cons:
  • Boo boo is expensive. $21 for a brow pencil is pretty GD spendy, man.
  • It doesn't last very long. I bought this three months ago, and have used 115% (Maury percentages) of it. I expected more from a brow pencil that costs over 20 dollars, but that's what I get for expecting things in life.
The Drugstore Darling

maybelline twin brow pencils in blonde (drugstore.com, $2.39)

Pros:
  • THESE ARE CHEAP AS HELL. I bought mine from Walgreen's, the world's most expensive retailer, and got them for about $4.00. Plus, they were buy one, get one half off, so I got four pencils for about six bucks.
  • They have great staying power. The package claims that these puppies are waterproof, but let's not be ridiculous. Remember the expectations thing?
  • The color is like a 8.967 out of ten on the "looks pretty damn natural" scale.
  • You can find them almost anywhere, so you won't have to make a special trip. Lazy.
Cons:
  • You have to sharpen them, like it's the 1800's and shit. Lazy. Who am I, Laura Ingalls Wilder?
  • The tip (heh) isn't as precise.

The conclusion? I have to give it to the Maybelline pencil. The color isn't as perfect as the Anastasia, but I can live with the fraction of a difference for a fraction of the price.

Not to mention, the Anastasia pencil is 0.003 oz of product, while each pencil of the Maybelline is 0.03 oz. And you get two pencils per pack. You do the math. (No, seriously, I don't know what the math is on that, but it's pretty f-ing significant.)

Viva la cheapness!


Get your ass to the drugstore, bb.



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Tuesday, February 17, 2015

To Be Filed Under: How Do I Apply For This Job? (AKA Watch Justin Bieber Get Egged In Slow Mo)


Oh, to be a skillful egg tosser.

Comedy Central just released a promo for its March 30th roast of the world's most hated* toddler, Justin Bieber, and it's quite the fun romp. If you're an egg. Or an oiled up, thin, boy chest.


Also, I'm off omelets for a while.**


*by me
**no, I'm not


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Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Reminder: Dame Helen Mirren Is Way Cooler Than All Of Us





Helen Mirren is basically cool as shit, and knows it. And Hells should really be in every commercial. That's a free tip, advertising agencies.

Don Draper is totally going to steal my idea.




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Monday, February 9, 2015

What's Better: The Grammys Or GRAHAM-ys?

I'm not in love with awards shows. Yet I feel compelled to watch them for posterity's sake, even though I'm not 100% clear on what the f that means. So, I watched (parts of) the Grammys last night. I felt pretty warmed-over "meh" about them overall, but there were some high points for me.

But were they good enough to win out against these graham-y items? Let's decide in a head-to-head battle of goodness.

Sia's Kind-Of Grammys Performance VS Golden Grahams Cereal



Just like my use of posterity, I'm not really sure what the deal is with Sia hiding her face. I think it's an anxiety thing, which is fine. Homegirl is talented like woah, and we got to see Kristen Wiig prancercise about in a nude leotard. I don't mind. I consider myself a pretty staunch Wiig-let (this is not a thing), so I loved this performance.

Golden Grahams is a down-ass breakfast cereal. It's delicious and tastes like crunchy honey. End of list.

Winner: Grammys, by a thin scrap of nude leotard fabric.

John Mayer Looking Sexy At The Grammys, Against All Odds VS Alexander Graham Bell


JM is pretty well-rumored to be a bag of ye olde douche, so I usually find myself giving a hard pass to any kind of attraction to him. But last night? Me-ow. He looks like a sexy, non-tenured college professor who's writing a book about rocks in his spare time. Please, and thank you.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone and had a boss beard.

Winner: Alexander Graham Bell. I'm not THAT driven by my little lady. Give me a beard hair's breadth of credit.

Sam Smith's Acceptance Speech VS Teddy Grahams


Sam Smith is utterly adorable. And inspirational. I want to carry him around in a baby bjorn and stroke his sweet little pink (face) cheeks.

If you don't like Teddy Grahams, you can just get the hell out of here. They're a delightful snack shaped like a teddy bear. There are few things better.

Winner: Sam Smith holding Teddy Grahams. DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE. IT'S LIKE SOPHIE'S CHOICE IN THIS BITCH.

Jay Z's Reaction To Kanye's Grammys Tomfoolery VS Grannies


This moment is perhaps my favorite thing that Jay has ever done, and I MF-ing love The Black Album. The range of split-second emotions that we feel right along with him on this journey of horror and awe cannot be matched. It's incredible.

Grannies do dope shit like bake you cookies and give you five dollar bills. Plus, they do that thing where they get their hair done once a week and then sleep standing up to make it last. Grannies are the actual OGs. And kind of vampire-y.

Winner: Grammys. Sorry, grannies. I love you.

Did you watch The Grammys last night? What did you love? Hate? Love to hate? Hate to love? Are there any other combos? (Mmmmm, combos.)



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Tuesday, February 3, 2015

50 Shades Of Grey...Eyeshadow Tutorial (Waka Waka)



For this month's Allure Insiders video, I'm doing 50 Shades in my own way. Which means I'm using grey eyeshadow. No kinky hijinks or book clubs.


Watch on if you want to get all grey-ed out for your freaky deaky (or non-freaky deaky) times.





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Monday, February 2, 2015

I Woke Up Like This: A Story Of Magically Voluminous Hair


Please disregard just about everything about this picture of me: from the cornucopia of tangles that I neglected to brush, to that zero makeup face, to a hint of a double chin -- there's a lot to take in. Man, I need to get better so I can at least walk, or something. But forget all of that -- check out the hair volume that I woke up to this morn! (Or, kind of afternoon. Life is a journey.)

via buzzfeed
I have not been shy about my flat, thin, sad sack hair probs. This shit is typically limp (heh) as hell, and I'm always fighting the good fight against it.

So while I've been in my post-surgical haze, I've been experimenting with different hair products to see if I could pump up the jam a little in this b. Plus, there are many a drugstore in a close proximity to my house of illness, and I've been using them as my "let's see how much I can move about today" testing sites. And buying a bunch of drugstore beauty shit kind of goes hand-in-hand with those outings. Uhhh doy.

Magically, one of my combos actually really worked! Here's my routine from yesterday that led to my semi-accidental overnight volume situation. And there were zero Lucky Charms involved. Or rabbits' feet.


Step one of this journey involved this Thicker Fuller Hair Shampoo. It's a clear shampoo that smells like soapy plants. (You know how those unisex hair products do.) It has caffeine in it, which supposedly makes your hair stand up, or something. You know, science-y shit. I don't really know the deal, but something wondrous happened.

I used it only on my roots, because I didn't want to dry out my already thirsty-ass ends. On the rest of my hair I used Macadamia Oil Flawless, which is a cleansing conditioner that I ADORE, and found for a friggin' steal at Marshall's for $14.99. Get out there, fellow cheap mofos. There's good good to be had.


When I got out of the shower I used this Fekkai Full Volume Mousse on my roots. I've been using Sally Hershberger's Supreme Lift Root Spray, which I adore, but I'm about to run out, so I thought I would give something new a whirl. I also found this at Marshall's for $9.99 (!!!), but it looks like it's discontinued, so I'll just go start researching hair transplants now, because I give the eff up.

This stuff is pretty boss. It gives great volume, while keeping hair shiny, which is a rarity in the volumizing product world. I'm usually kind of anti-mousse, but I'll totally let this one slide right into the regular hair stuffs rotation. That's really saying something. Except for the whole "discontinued" thing. There's also the whole "my life sucks" thing.


The next couple of things have nothing to do with volume, but I used it on my rug, so I feel obligated to mention them. I've already told you about L'Oreal Professional Mythic Oil, and I'm still toot-tooting along on that silky train. It's light and extremely moisturizing, and I want to bathe in it. With a loofah.

A new hair spritzer for me is this Not Your Mother's Way to Grow Leave-In Conditioner, which is pretty much a detangling leave-in conditioner with some extra grow-y stuff in it. I can't really speak (type???) to the hair-growing part, because I've only used it twice, but it makes your hair feel soft like woah. And it smells pretty delicious. So that's something.


Now play on, playa with your big-ass hair. You're welcome, my fellow flat-haired friend.







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