The Butt-Themed Weekend Anthem You've Been Waiting On

I have to be honest -- I have no idea what is happening in this video. I only know that the topic is ass (again) and that I shouldn't change the subject. And that homegirl has an aversion to looking at the camera unless she's wearing semi-transitional lenses.

I do need to know where one picks up an application to be the President of Ass, because I think that I'm probably qualified. Also, those dance moves are fresh to death. It's like a choo choo train impression. I'm way into it.

When you're in the club tonight, make sure you request "The Topic is Ass" to the resident DJ. I'm pretty sure that they love that shit.

P.S. I'm not even being sarcastic when I say that I kind of love this song. It's catchy as mother f.

P.P.S. If you need a palate cleanser after all of that, here's an hour of Lil' Bub kicking off the holidays for your ass (which is the topic).

ass song via reddit

Pin It

What In The MF-ING HELL Is Going On With Robert Pattinson's Hair

OK people, what's your verdict on Robert Pattinson's new haircut? http://t.co/A5Xat1ifhL pic.twitter.com/EuQxVKjeTI
— E! Online UK (@EOnlineUK) November 14, 2014

What is life anymore, really? After my eyeballs gazed upon these photos of the once at least semi-attractive diamond-encrusted vampire, I'm not really sure.

This might be the actual worst haircut I've ever seen on a dude. It looks like the world's most awful bowl cut with an additional stick-on merkin that you would get from a gumball machine at a porn store.

 My eyeballs need a long soak in the bath. With bath salts. Maybe even BATH SALTS bath salts.


Thanks to my homie Kelly for the tip on this mess.


Pin It

I Love Black Polish And I Cannot Lie

Don't be afraid of black nail polish. It's come a long way from the coloring-in-your-fingernails-with-a-sharpie days. It now can really range anywhere from classy-lady-who-lunches to edgy like woah.

Glossy and Flossy

sinful colors in black on black + out the door top coat

Shiny black polish is like classic red polish with a slight emo edge. It goes with anything, and is perfect for any occasion. Going to Quiznos to pick up some kind of toasted something-or-other? Black nail polish. Trying on wedding dresses for an actual wedding or in a SATC ironic way? Black nail polish. Watching Dumb and Dumber To? Please don't. And also, black nail polish.

Okay, end of post! JK, JK. We have a long-ass way to go and many options ahead of us.

Flat Matte

sinful colors black on black + opi matte top coat

I really do apologize for how shitty that I am at painting my nails in a non-human garbage manner. In fact, I made this gif just for this situation. (Okay, I didn't. I made it because it should exist in the universe.)

Anyway, back to the sauce. Matte black nails are glossy black nails' IDGAF sister that dyes her hair with Kool-Aid. She also has a part-time job at Hot Topic, but mostly because of its close proximity to Auntie Anne's Pretzels. I feel her in my heart.

P.S. If you get sick of the matte look, you can just throw a top coat on that mess and you're back to shining bright like a cubic zirconia.

Alt black

If I still haven't convinced you that black nails are boss shit, then maybe I can interest you in an almost-black polish? If you really need a tiny dab of color in your nail life, I present you with these options (from left to right): CND Midnight Sapphire, Essie Devil's Advocate, OPI Here Today...Aragon Tomorrow, OPI Suzi Skis in the Pyrenees. All of these boo boos look pretty much black, but in direct lighting -- blam, pow -- a little color. Get on my darkness level.

See? Black nail polish is crazy versatile. And if you still don't aren't feeling it, you can just paint your nails pinky and sparkly. I still love you the most.



Pin It

Here's A Baby Sea Otter Adorably Learning To Do Baby Sea Otter Stuff

This is the video that your cold, black heart has always needed of a five-week-old sea otter pup (!!!) doing the most adorable shit like learning to swim and squealing over cold water. This little baby lady currently goes by Pup 681, which is a mildly depressing moniker, and was recently found abandoned off the coast of California, which is at least a moderately depressing circumstance. (RIP, sea otter mom.)

If you can't watch all four minutes of this fluffy wonder flapping about, then I just won't have time to tell you about the next time that Jon Hamm's pants-ham-sandwich comes out to eclipse our eyeballs. Sorry, Charlie.

And just in case you can't get enough of #681 (What is she, a Hunger Games refugee? Give her a damn name!), here's two and a half more minutes of furry baby stuff. Her little flipper-flapper things! I can't handle it.

Don't worry, my heart will ice over again in 4.23843 minutes and I'll be back to my regularly scheduled rude-ass-ness. But for the next four and change minutes: SQUEEEEEEEE!!!


via national geographic

Pin It

Jeaneez: Just Like Jeggings, But Worse

Please tell me that you've seen this Jeaneez commercial. If you haven't, here's a summary: they're pretty much like the Pajama Jeans' sluttier cousin, yet somehow inexplicably worse.

And right now I'm sure you're thinking, "But look how distressed and fashionable those Jeaneez are!" Nope, that's just Photorealistic 3D printed fabric that looks just like denim! (Their words, not mine.) Those aren't ACTUAL rips. No, no. That would be a smidge too sensible. They're just pictures of rips.

Same goes for the pockets, so don't plan on carrying shit around if you buy these. Or two of these. (I mean, it is the best deal.)

They're also apparently quite filled with magic and woven with unicorn tail hair that can make you lose a solid-ass 15 pounds immediately and make your donk look like a certain someone's, that I refuse to talk about, on a current sans-Jeaneez (or anything else) magazine cover. What I'm saying is, someone please buy all washes of these and then sext me pictures of your ass just straight-up covered in Jeaneez fabric.

Take one for the team, bruh.


Thanks to my friend Kristin for the heads up on these puppies.

Pin It

Prince Doesn't Own A Cellphone; Took His First Selfie

Post by Prince.

Prince is better than all of us will ever be. Even when he was the symbol. And I say this with absolutely zero percent sass, which you know is a rare occurrence for me.

"Why is he better than us?" you may find yourself asking. First of all, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. Have you heard "Let's Go Crazy"? Beyond that, this is this man's very first selfie. And it's damn #flawless. Jump back, Beyoncé.

But that's not even the biggest revelation here. Read this quote re: the inaugural selfie from Prince's rep, via Huffington Post:

Prince used an old-school camera because he doesn't own a cellphone. He jokingly says, "We ban their usage anywhere around Us because We're allergic 2 lithium and 'Everybodyelsies.'"

Okay, I have no effing idea what that last part means, but I did learn one big thing. PRINCE DOESN'T HAVE A MF-ING CELLPHONE.

Does anyone one want to buy a heavily-used iPhone with Cheetos fingerprints all over it? I'm asking for a friend.






Pin It

Oh, Hell Naw News Of The Day: Ariana Grande Is Remaking "The Boy Is Mine"

A photo posted by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on Nov 11, 2014 at 10:02am PST

This is the face of a person that thinks that they are above the Brandy/Monica laws of nature. I think not, ponytail! Ariana Grande and Jessie J ARE REMAKING "THE BOY IS MINE" AND EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY.



Ariana Grande is one of those people that seems to be just a general annoyance to me. I don't know what it is, I really have nothing to base these feelings upon, it's just a thing. Like an orange. It's just something that exists.

But this has crossed the MF-ing line into something that is personal to me. "The Boy Is Mine" is one of my songs. It came out in 1998, which was my junior year of high school. (Save the comments for your mom-ments, I don't want to hear about my elderly nature.) My friend Jodell and I learned all of the lyrics, and would play each part (I think I was Monica) and sing our faces off, long-ass acrylic nails waving in the air while we drove around in her teal Eagle something-or-other. (RIP Eagle something-or-others.) Here's a visual, so you can imagine me during that era:

Try not to jump off the nearest bridge in a fit of jealousy. You can clearly see why I don't want this time in my life tarnished by the likes of an Ariana Grande and her clip-on ponytail. Has Ariana Grande ever worn a Contempo Casuals sheer button-up top while driving around in her Honda Civic that she worked overtime hours for so she could get the gold accessories package? I think not. Homie didn't even live in a time before flat irons. I mean, look at my hair in that picture. Those are hardships.

I DO NOT co-sign this tom foolery. Leave the OGs to their OG-ing, Grande.


via vulture/my friend Kelly with the tip-off


Pin It