Thursday, July 24, 2014

50 Things I'd Rather Watch Than The Fifty Shades Of Grey Trailer


As I'm sure you've heard MF-ing everywhere today, the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer is out. I know that a lot of people are really excited about this sexual release (heh, I'm 13), but I happen to give exactly zero effs about this movie. I was not into the books, and now this trailer is even making me question my attraction to Jamie Dornan, which is some extreme shit.

So, instead of forcing myself to feign interest in this nonsense, I've created a list of the top 50 things that I would rather watch than the Fifty Shades trailer. Please join my ass.

#50 -- Gregg's comedy routine



#49 --The Sex and the City episodes when Carrie is dating Aleksandr Petrovsky

#48 -- Kim Zolciak's solo reality show


#47 -- The Neverending Story 2

#46 --  This, forever.

#45 -- Old episodes of Jon and Kate Plus 8

#44 -- Hummingbirds doing sex things to each other

#43 -- Anything this kid does


#42 -- Old people eating soup

#41 -- A documentary about math homework

#40 -- Someone doing math homework

#39 -- A teacher grading math homework

#38 -- Any infomercial


#37 -- That guy picking up all of those Cheetos

#36 -- A movie about Britney Spears eating Cheetos

#35 -- Tammy thinking it wasn't not funny



#34 -- Paris Hilton dancing to her own music (I'm sure that happens a lot)

#33 -- One of my parents trying to open an email attachment

#32 -- A stranger browsing for culottes at Kohl's

#31 -- The Amy Fisher adult movie

#30 -- A John Wayne Bobbitt adult movie

#29 -- Dogs eating ice cream

#28 -- Cats eating ice cream


#27 -- The "My Heart Will Go On" Music Video

#26 -- A short animated film based on Cathy comics...

#25 -- ...voiced by a drunk Jessica Simpson

#24 -- Farrah Abraham crying


#23 -- Heidi Montag crying


#22 -- On the Line

#21 -- A Creed/Nickelback tribute band playing live

#20 -- Someone making a Fred Durst dick pic collage

#19 -- Tara Reid getting a pair of flared jeans hemmed

#18 -- Baby spiders hatching (nope, never mind)

#17 -- A trained baby spider circus (better)

#16 -- Trya Banks doing a monologue about herself


#15 -- A surveillance tape of alley rats rolling about in garbage

#14 -- Two glasses of milk warming to room temperature on the kitchen counter

#13 -- Katie Holmes painting her nails with a nude polish

#12 -- A remake of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie


#11 -- Everyone in the world trying on Crocs at once

#10 -- A cow eating a bag of baby spinach

#9 -- Third graders learning how to play the recorder

#8 -- Richard Simmons creating an original choreography to "Party Rock Anthem"


#7 -- Myself in the mirror eating a pizza Lunchables

#6 -- Kristen Stewart washing her face with a bar of Ivory soap

#5 -- A rousing ShowBiz Pizza performance



#4 -- Dry ass toast sitting on a used Subway napkin

#3 -- Elizabeth Berkley reprising her Showgirls role in a community theater production


#2 -- All of the Kardashians shopping for hoop earrings at Claire's Boutique

#1 -- The Bachelor (just kidding, I choose death)

Are you guys excited about this movie? Am I just being a crotchety ole bitch, or what?


Pin It

LOLZ Of The Day: Watch Robin Thicke As An "Actor"



Prepare yourself for a big old bag o' gross. That's exactly how you'll feel after watching this monstrosity of an "acting" reel that Vulture was kind enough to create for the universe, featuring the indomitable Robin Thicke in his premiere movie role in something called Abby in the Summer (and also Making the Rules). This shitshow also co-stars Jaime Pressly, who apparently has gym hair throughout the movie for some unknown reason. Notice I keep putting all things having to do with Robbie T's acting in quotations. Watch the video and you'll see why.

I can't even believe that this is Jason Seaver's son.

via realitytvgifs
Aviva just wanted to remind you that she has more acting prowess in her discarded leg than the entire Thicke family tree.

Just listening to RT say, "Ahbbee," over and over is enough to bring on vomit times, but seeing the popped leather jacket collar in the laundromat will really put a b over the nauseated edge. Even Jaime Pressly looks like she wants to throw up a little.

I also never realized how Teddy Ruxpin-y dude looks in the face. Can't picture it? You don't have to waste your pretty brain wrinkles. I did the work for you:


"Jumbalaya...Pffft. Child's play." Such range! So much emoting! I can't wait for the sequel. Breaking the Rules: Abby in the Winter?

P.S. You aren't Mark Wahlberg in Fear. Stop trying to make that weird, husky whisper thing happen.






Pin It

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Drugstore Beauty Haul (With A Dash Of Sephora)



I kind of bought a lot of shit last week, so I decided to make a haul video, even though I kind of hate them. So here's nine minutes of your time that you'll never get back, but check it out if you want to see all of the craps that I bought. If not, that's cool.


I guess...I guess I'll just see you around, then.



Pin It

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: Brow Feng Shui



This time in my Outrageous Beauty series (shhhhh...I like to pretend I have a series), I go in for some Brow Feng Shui-ing. What does that even mean??? Is there tiny furniture involved? How does Oprah fit in to all of this? Watch and find out.

For more info on Brow Feng Shui, check out Suddenly Slimmer's website.



Pin It

Monday, July 21, 2014

Hey, Oily Faces: A Ranking Of The Best Non-Traditional Blotting Devices

It's hot as all get out in this b, as I'm sure you've noticed. This is not only spawning a 'pit stain epidemic, but it's also creating widespead cases of shiny faces. Wow, that was really the Dr. Seuss of oily skin sentences. I'm pretty sure my brain is even greasy at this point.


Because the oil times are high, you might find yourself caught completely sans blotting papers while shining bright like an oily ass diamond. If you happen to catch yourself in these dire straits, don't stress. I have compiled a list of the top five household blotting devices that you can use in any slick pinch.

 #5: Paper towels


Pro: It (kind of) absorbs the gross shit.
Con: It (kind of) tries to rip your friggin' skin from your skull slightly.

This is not your best option, but it's better than using either sandpaper or butter. Or buttery sandpaper. 

#4: Copy paper


Pro: It's surprisingly smooth on the mug skin, considering that you're basically blotting with a used TPS Report.
Con: The actual blotting power is pretty, pretty low.

This will rid you of the very worst parts of your shine, but don't get your hopes up too high for matte skin. They'll be Stacey Dash-ed.

#3: Toilet paper


Pro: Medium to strong oil-be-gone force.
Con: Medium to strong makeup-be-gone force.

If you're searching for the most solidly "meh" result, this is your guy.

#2: Receipts


Pro: The blotting is so, so good.
Con: It's probably making you die, or something.

THIS IS SO GOOD AND SO BAD. Everything is so scary all the time. I need a fluffy teddy bear to hold.

#1: Disposable Toilet Seat Covers


Pro: The oil-absorption is right up there with those damn BPA-laden receipts.
Con: It comes from a public bathroom, where strangers do pee pee and poo poo times.

Do you like to live life like you're Devon Sawa in Final Destination? Are you kind of a Josie Grossie? Do you and blot away.


Did I forget any free blotters? Are you using Gam Gam's pantyhose? Why am I asking so many questions today? Why is the sky blue?




Pin It

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Mug Makeover: Teen Witch Edition

There are very few things that are important to me in life. I'm usually a "give zero effs" kind of gal (bleh), but that does not hold true when it comes to one of my favorite movies of all friggin' time -- Teen Witch.


If you can't get down with an 80s movie that involves witchcraft and chicanery for popularity's sake, heavy use of tutus and denim jackets, and delightfully awkward rapping, then I don't have time for your silly nonsense. So when I tell you that I have created a Teen Witch beauty tutorial, your ass should not be surprised.

And without further dramatics, I present to you my most meaningful beauty look that I have ever created. Sadly, it's not the old lady witch that was also in Poltergeist. Maybe next time.


I would recommend using a sturdy-ass, Aqua Net-esque hairspray if you want your hair to stay. I just used texturizing spray because I wasn't trying to be hard-haired and authentically 80s, so, whatever. Choose your own hair adventure.


You can totally use an eyeshadow as a brow powder. Just please, for the love of Yeezus, CHOOSE A DAMN MATTE SHADOW.


Use whatever neutral eyeshadow you've got hanging around for this part. I prefer to do shimmery on the lid and matte on the crease, but do what your heart tells you to. Especially if you're a young buck. Your eyelids still have years sans-crepe, so play on, playa.

If you're oily, go for a gel liner or a long-wear liner, or you WILL look a hot mess in 13.5 minutes.



Use whichever gloss or 'stick you're into, just keep it in the coral or peach tones. I think that that's the theme of the day -- do whatever the hell you want. Kind of.


Okay, all done! My hair's not AS 80s as real Louise's, but you get the vibe. Do you guys love Tee Dubs as much as I do? Does anyone even know what I'm talking about right now?


Supersonic, idiotic, disconnecting, not respecting, who would really ever wanna go and top that?!?


  Pin It

List Of Things I Can't Deal With Today: Paris Hilton's New Video For "Come Alive." End Of List.



Listen, P. We're pretty much in our mid-thirties, you and I. You are still very pretty and gamine and all of that jazz, but the floating-on-cotton-candy-while-coyly-spouting-sexual-innuendo-in-an-autotuned-baby-voice ship has sailed. Like, a solid ten years ago. It's time to move on from the Princess Baby strokes a unicorn pastures. And that's okay.

We're now the "gross old people" in the club. That's why I don't go to them anymore. (That, and rap music is not danceable anymore. I miss "In the Club" in the club. Or shaking it like a Polaroid picture.) Remember how much you made fun of those people?** That's us now. So stop trying to make club bangers happen.


Maybe it's time to take up something a tad bit more mature and less like what would come up if you googled, "what would a Lisa Frank porn set look like?" It's cool to let it go, Paris. It's not so bad. Remember how gross the early aughts were anyway? It was all dangly Playboy Bunny bellybutton rings and pointy-toed two-inch heels. You don't want to keep reliving that bullshit.

So let's take out those colored contacts and go get some tea. And maybe go to a bookstore, or something. It's time.



**The first time I went to a bar or club after graduating from college and moving to a non-college town, I literally said, "Why are all of these old people here? Gross."


Pin It

storystack

Google