Friday, December 7, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Rose McGowan's...Errrm...Something

I was planning on making Pizza Hut's pizza-scented perfume today's GUUUUUURL, but then I came across these pictures of Rose McGowan.

via buzzfeed
There are a couple of issues here. First off, Rose might actually look worse than I do as a blonde. I think Rose is gorgeous, usually, but something is...hmmmm..weird here. And also --


Is it me, or is she giving off a total Candy Spelling vibe here? I equal parts can't put my finger on it/can't look away. And let's be real, that sweater isn't helping the sitch, either. How does a person that was once engaged to Marilyn Manson don a festive ass Christmas sweater like that?


I mean, remember ALL OF THIS? Homegirl was naked and wearing strippery chain mail. I saw every no no spot that ever existed on a human, and now woven prancing deer? It really is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. My feelings on these pictures can pretty much only be summed up with this.





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Thursday, December 6, 2012

Yo! Let Me Solve Your Problems.



Remember when I asked you guys for your beauty problems? Well, it wasn't because I'm a nosy ass b. I'm solving your issues, in a new segment I'm calling "Problem Solvers!" Watch and see hilarity not ensue.

And keep telling me all of your problems!


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Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Annnnd THIS is Why I Can't Deal With Holiday Foolery.



What the hell did I just watch? Why did this have to be filmed two hours from my house? What is happening with Travolta's hair helmet? Does he understand that 50 somethings (or anyone, really) shouldn't be wearing and utilizing chain wallets? Did the soldier guy even know the cop? What grade school Audio/Visual Club shot this video? Should someone tell those children to omit this tragedy from their resume? Since when is doing a jazz square repeatedly considered dancing?

I could ask these questions all damn day.

via logotv



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Random Homie: My Well Kept Drugstore Secret (Because I'm a Shady, Shady B)

Way back in my late college days, and right after (So about 1923. No!), I discovered a brand of eye liner that quickly became my all-time favorite go to. But, I couldn't find it all the time, and I then found myself discovering it less and less often, until I couldn't find it at all. That's why I was never able to share my find with all of you fine citizens. The brand is Styli-Style, and luckily for us all, it is back in this mofo! They sent me a bunch of products to try from the brand new re-launch, and here are my favorites.

Line & Seal 24 Semi-Permanent Eye Liner in Black Glitter, $5.99
This liner is my boo thang that I was completely raving about. It seriously lasts until you remove it, no nonsense about it. If you are oily, or just want your liner to last until you are an 89 year old woman in a rocking chair, this ish is right up your proverbial alley. I have been using it on the daily since I got it, and it is just as awesome as I recalled. No dumb rose colored glasses, here.

Lip Paint Liquid Lipstick in Tres Chic, $5.99
I also tried the Lip Paint liquid lipstick in two colors -- Tres Chic (above) and Country Girl. I was totally into these shining stars, as well. They are super shiny, and fade well, as you can see on the bottom lip pic. I friggin' hate lip products that fade into a crappy, blotchy ass, mess, and many of them do. Not the case here. And the applicator brush is a little stiffer (heh) so the application is precise.


Here's my wrinkly, old gamgam hand with all of the colors on it. Pretty ish, and totally reasonably priced. I'm so glad Styli-Style is back on my scene, and I can start buying this mess again! You can try it for yourself my finding a location near you here, or being a complete lazy ass and buying here online. I vote lazy style, but I always do.



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I Know I Said I Hate the Holidays...



But I really love Mariah's "All I want for Christmas is You." And this rendition with Jimmy Fallon and The Roots is pretty effin' awesome. Plus, the little girl with the glittery flower on her head is totally my soul sister. All the other kids are staring into the camera the whole time and she's like, "I'm just performing for myself. These other kids are so needy." Plus, there was this...


The side eye that she's giving this boy is awesome. She's all, "What the eff is this kid doing? Friggin' amateurs. What is this, a Barney table read? I've really got to talk to my agent about this mess." She is amazing.

And the fact that Mariah looks like she's wearing star pasties is definitely helping the situation. Faux dress pasties are always a plus in my book. Now let's reflect our younger years with the OG version.



Okay, holiday mode is off again, unless Ryan Gosling rides up to my house on a unicorn in a Santa suit...Side saddle style.



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Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Random Homie: tarte Girl Meets Gloss 5-Piece Maracuja Gloss Collector's Set

Full disclosure here, people: I don't do holiday gift set reviews/holiday sales/your auntie's favorite cookie recipe contest, or any other holiday-related writing. Why?


I don't like the holiday season. It's stressful, annoying, and kind of makes me want to punch faces even more than the rest of the year. Don't try to convince me otherwise, I WILL NOT change my mind. I read The Grinch Who Stole Christmas when I was a kid, don't even try me, b's. But I am making ONE exception to the anti-holiday set rule.

Sephora, $36 ($105 value)
When the tarte people sent me the Girl Meets Gloss set, I kind of lost my ish. Because I am kind of completely obsessed with tarte products. I have truly never had something from them that I didn't absolutely love more than Ron Swanson.


The kit includes:

5 x 0.11 oz Maracuja Divine Shine Lip Glosses in Bubbly (sheer rose), Curious (sheer petal), Preppy (bubble-gum pink), Chic (watermelon berry), and Sparks (cotton candy). 


I really do love every damn color. There's not one that I'm all, "Meh. You are the worst." about. Seriously.


Super sexual, right? They are all sheer enough that I feel like no matter your skin tone, anyone can wear these puppies -- and the shine is insane. The only slight negative about the glosses is the applicators are the kind that have the little button that you click on the bottom, and the first time you use them, you might get carpal tunnel from clicking to get the product up to the brush. But once that ish is on your lips, you will forget all about the silly click-fest. Know that.

Get yo' own sexy lips here.



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Thank You, Fun Ruiners of the World, for Ruining Everything I've Ever Loved.

There are very few things that I really, truly adore in life. And over the past few days, TWO of those things have been completely ruined for me.

via buzzfeed
 This b*tch. I have always wanted an eyepatch. Not out of necessity, born through terrible tragedy or anything, but just to wear. Kind of like when you're a kid, and you straighten out a paper clip to pretend like it's a retainer. (Why in weird kid brains did we do that crap?) So like that, but I'm in my thirties, and still pretending weird nonsense.

UNTIL I see Scott Disick, who is Kourtney Kardashian's boyfriend, if you are blissfully unaware (oh, how I envy you), wearing a MOTHER EFFIN' EMBROIDERED EYEPATCH. Can I have nothing in life that is important to me? Now I will NEVER be able to stroll along a wandering boulevard wearing my bedazzled eyepatch and jauntily swinging a cane that has a silver skull/bird's head/something else I haven't even thought of yet. Because every schmoe that passes will be thinking, "Oh, will you look at at pathetic b. She's totally pulling a Disick. What's next? Suede loafers on the beach?" When in the past they would have thought, "Cool eyepatch."

But the fun ruining horrors do not end there. Even KOALAS ARE NOT SACRED IN THIS WORLD.

via reddit
This is a web posting from a man trying to sell his koala bear. Which sounds amazing, because I love koala bears more than 99% of humans. Until you read the "bad" list of things about said koala bear. He raped and murdered a cat?!? He likes Vin Diesel movies?!? He puts shiny things in dog's asses?!? He's a racist?!? Between this and the crazy koala mask, I feel like all of my dreams and aspirations have been crushed. Never will a koala and I frolic on the beach together at sunset, while we spin around together in slow motion, because apparently he will attempt murder on my literal ass.

Does anyone want to ruin anything else for me? Is Ryan Reynold not hot anymore? Is wine not delicious now? I give up.




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