What's in Yo' Bag?

It's no secret that I'm a "makeup" person. B, please. Why else am I even on this planet? And, yes, I'm one of those annoying w's that wears makeup to workout, go to the beach, or use a portapotty. I mean, I used to wear fake eyelashes almost on the daily. I'm a ridiculous, ridiculous person. That being said, it should come as a surprise to NO ONE that I keep an emergency makeup kit in my purse at all times. If I happen to leave my huge makeup bag at home, I will not be caught bare faced and fugged up in this piece.

sephora, $20

For face, the easiest one step quick fix product for me is Sephora Collection Matifying Compact Foundation. You can throw this on in the car without even taking a glimpse at your mug. Ish is easy. And I also like to use it as a finishing powder on top on my liquid foundation for full coverage, and for touch ups during the day.

cvs, $3.99

I have not been shy about my love for Maybelline Expert Eyes Brow & Eye Pencil Duo in Blonde. I love these pencils for a cheap, quick eyebrow defining moment. In my big girl makeup kit, I have actually been using another brow pencil (GASP!), but these kittens will always be my down ass b's.  

P.S. I know some of you are all, "Eyebrow pencil is part of an EMERGENCY kit???" And the answer to that is, duh -- of course.

walmart, $7.84

I won't go anywhere without L'Oreal Paris Infallible Eyeliner in Carbon Black in my bag. This mess will stay all up on your face. It's totally the HBIC when it comes to drugstore eyeliners. To keep it real on my "natural gym/beach/who, me wearing makeup? face," I like to wiggle and dot it on my lash line, just to give the illusion of thicker lashes.

free sample in this b

You've GOT to have a mascara in your baby sized bag of tricks. And I love to use a free sample sized version of a sexxxy ass mascara. Plus that ish is free -- you can't beat them apples. Whether it's from your saved up points from Sephora, or a gift with purchase from a department store, make sure you use that crap and don't let it sit there and get all dried up in your big daddy makeup kit.

hsn, $36

Someone gave me this Shiseido Benefiance Full Correction Lip Treatment a while back, and I am completely obsessed with it. It works to plump and get rid of those bleh lines around your lips in some kind of way. I don't know the science, but it's the business. It's perfect for the emergency kit, because it's colorless, but gives a nice shine to your pucker.

Those are all of my purse angels that must stay near me at all times. Do you guys keep an emergency makeup kit on your person? Am I a crazy ass weirdo? (Don't answer that.)

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Someone Get Brenda on The Phone...

And the phone better look like this or I'm going to be pissed.

The New York Post is reporting that Kelly Taylor and Dylan McKay (or Jennie Garth and Luke Perry if you're boring) are dating EACH OTHER. Oh, hell naw. I know that Shannen Doherty is married, (Yes, it's important to stay up to date on IMPORTANT celebrity relationship statuses. And Education Connection commercials still qualify a person as a celebrity.) but she needs to drop her dude so she can get up on this. KELLY TAYLOR CANNOT WIN.

pic via ny post

P.S. Their respective reps claim that the two are just "close friends." Ummm hmmm. That means their no no's have seen each other. B, please. These two are practically bumping and grinding to Next's Too Close in the picture above.



Pshhhaw, I say to you. Pshhhaw. And on a completely unrelated note, I just ordered this shirt:

What? A capped sleeve baseball style screen printed baby tee is totally in for fall '12. I don't dictate the trends, people.



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I Like to Get My Ass Handed to Me.

Ever since I was about 18, I have consistently done some kind of workout program. Whether it was lifting weights, running, yoga, Zumba, or some combination of random ish I've made up, I'm always doing something. But I first tried this specific workout probably three years ago, and I was hooked from the get go.

Bar Method booties rocking everywhere. Pic via bar method.

 It's called The Bar Method, and instead of trying to figure out how to use my words like a professional, I'll let the website speak for me:

the bar method — integrates the fat burning format of interval training, the muscle shaping technique of isometrics, the elongating principles of dance conditioning, and the science of physical therapy to create a revolutionary new workout that quickly and safely reshapes your entire body.

For me, it's like a combination of ballet-like moves and pilates that makes my friggin' legs shake uncontrollably (don't be a pervert) and wonder if I'll be able to drive home afterward. I started by using the DVDs a few years ago, and then when I moved to a larger town last year, I found that classes were held near me, and I was totally sold. This ish is the ish. But don't just believe my ass.

Celebrity fans of The Bar Method include: Ginnifer Goodwin, Drew Barrymore, Anna Paquin, Kelly Osborne, Kristen Bell, Dita Von Teese and a ton more. And if that's not enough to convince you this mess is the business, check out the founder, Burr Leonard, who is damn 65 years old:

That ish is freakin' ridiculous. If you want to try and get on Burr's level, you can get one of the DVDs for $20. I like having a badass 65 year old woman kick my ass.



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It's a National Holiday! (AKA It's Hot Stoddy's Birthday)

OMG, you guys. I felt like this day would never come. It's my soul sister, Courtney Stodden's, 18th Birthday! (Yes, in human years. Don't go there.) So she obvi talked to E! News about this monumental occasion, and here's what she got for her big day:

pic via eonline

It's an Italian Greyhound named...Dourtney. What? That's totally normal. I once had a dog that I somewhat ambiguously named Dannon, after myself, and then a yogurt company totally stole that ish from me. (Spoiler alert -- that never, ever happened.) Well if you're going to pick a name from singing the Name Game song about yourself, it really could be worse. At least it's not Fourtney. Or Mourtney.

So Happy Birthday to one of my favorite people in the world. I don't even know what my life would be like without you. Cue the playing of Kelly Clarkson's My Life Would Suck Without You. (No, don't.) Now that Hot Stoddy is 18, we can look forward to an ish-load more of this kind of thing:

pic via courtney's twitter

Yaaaaay...?



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Back 2 Basics: Super Easy Eye Makeup Tutorial!

For those of you just starting out, or aren't really an expert on yo' makeup game...This one's for you!



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True Blood Musings: C'EST FINI!

Oh, there's my other boo. Where've you been, you hot Nordic piece? This is the end, kittens. Let's do this.

JUMP!

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Wait, Lifetime Hasn't Already Made This Ish Into a Movie?!?

TMZ broke the exciting news (to me) that Lifetime is currently casting a movie depicting the life of Anna Nicole Smith. So, YES to that news. I love a tawdry ass Lifetime movie. Is there anything better? Here are my picks for to play this, ahem, interesting cast of characters.

Anna Nicole Smith --
 
My picks for Anna Nicole are Amanda Bynes as young AN, and Lilo as the older. And if you don't agree with me on this one, then...



Howard K. Stern -- In case you aren't completely up to date on Anna's daily life (What have you been doing???) Howard was ANS's long time lawyer and maybe lover (gross) and fake baby daddy.

I think that Michael Richards, aka Kramer from Seinfeld would be a great Howard. He's like a good 20 years older, but whatevs, it's fine.

Anna's son, Daniel --

Derek Hough from Dancing with the Stars is a pretty damn close match to AN's son, Daniel. I don't even know if he's really an actor, and he would have to do a little brow maintenance, but that ish is on point.

P.S. When I was googling to find a picture of Daniel, the FIRST picture that came up was a picture of his dead body. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE? Is that what we're doing now??? The answer is no, we are not.

J. Howard Marshall -- This was that old homeboy that Anna married when she was like 20 and he was like 2840329.

If Herbert from Family Guy isn't a dead ringer for J. Howard, I don't know who the eff is. Ol' Herbs is clearly a cartoon, so maybe they could work a little Roger Rabbit magic on this piece.

E. Pierce Marshall -- J. Howard's son, who fought AN in court forever because she wanted homie's money. (Whaaaaaat?)

I think George W. Bush is a shoe in to play this dude. They're both from Texas, and let's be real -- old white guys pretty much look the same. My dad is also a good candidate.

Larry Birkhead -- Dude was a paparazzi, Anna's REAL baby daddy, and always seemed somewhat douchey. (Seriously, the movie is going to be so freakin' awesome.)

Larry HAS to be played by Keith Urban. They are total chunky highlight twinsies.

Will you guys be watching this trainwreck of a TV movie? Please believe, I will be calling into work the next day, because this ish will be parrr-tayyy time at my house. Do you have any better ideas of casting for these hoes? Let's discuss this mess.

Thanks to Sara for emailing me this hot mess and forcing me to write about it.


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