Monday, August 6, 2012

I Hate Everything: To Infinity and Beyond!

Hey guys. I'm just sitting here (no doy) typing away, and I have to get 50 layers of sexy wrapped up in a 40 year old woman's body shoved in my face. Thanks, Brooke Burke.

pic via brooke's twitter
pic via brooke's twitter
Seriously, that's a hot b. I can only take solace in the fact that she wearing a scrunchie in a non-ironic way. But it's probably so her hair won't get damaged. Damn. I have roughly nine years to get my body looking this guuuurd. I bet BB didn't eat rice and chocolate for dinner. AFKLSFHJLFH.

P.S. She also has four kids (or something, I'm not googling that mess). I might as well hang it up.



Pin It

Friday, August 3, 2012

Have You Guys Heard? Miley Cyrus Works Out.

I must start this out by saying that I follow ol' MC (no, not Mariah Carey) on Twitter. I know, there is no good reason for a damn 31 year old woman to follow Miley Cyrus, but here we are. I have noticed a trend with Miley over the past couple of weeks. B LOVES to show a belly-showing self photo on the Twitter. Don't believe me?


Okay, honey boo boo. OH-KAY. Yoooooou (Soulja Boy, Tell 'Em) look good. You been pilates-ing more than Joseph Pilates could ever even imagine in his wildest dreams, during an amazing night's sleep after reading Good Night Moon or even a Berenstain Bears book on working out. We gots it. But you know who has two thumbs and can't even judge yo' ass? This guy.


See? I totally  win the douche award from at least '99-'01, and possibly even currently. Please believe if Twitter (or even Myspace) were around in the late 90's/early 00's, my everything would probably be all over everything. Praise baby Jesus that I'm an old ass b.

pic via buzz feed
So go 'head Miley. You do you.


Pin It

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Oh...My...Stars...

Pic via In Touch Weekly
 You guys. It's tanning mom, and she doesn't look THAT insane! Honey Boo Boo got a little side bang kickin', nice lippie happening, and letting the girls show. (Okay, that went too far.) But most importantly, B STOPPED TANNING! What's her address? I want to send her one of those recordable congratulations cards. Go head, lil' mama.



Pin It

Put This On Yo' Face: Mila Kunis Everyday Smokey Eye Tutorial


Here's Mila Kunis lookin' all sexy and ish. And here's a tutorial based on that bangin' face of hers:



And here are the swatches of those bangin' Make Up Forever Aqua Shadows:


Yeah, you are welcome.


Pin It

Am I Done Here?

Pic via Us Weekly
Here is Brad Pitt filming some movie where he looks pretty unfortunate. I mean am I right? Homeboy's face is toeing a VERY fine line to the color and texture of his boots. I say this with a heavy heart, but I think that my love affair with Brad Pitt is over. And this is no fly-by-night deal. I actually have proof of just how long I have been into this b.


Here I am having an (obviously) badass sleepover in the early(ish) 90's, which apparently involved a lot or tag team telephone time. Fun. You are welcome, everyone's face that I blurred out. Ugh. How annoying does my room look? And look at the luxury TV I have kickin' in the corner. I was a preteen boss. Now, lets focus on what's really important here.


There's Brad Pitt, from Legends of the Fall, taking up prime real estate on my ugly ass floral wallpaper. (BTW, if you've never watched that movie, watch that ish. It's seriously really effin' good. And it has the kid from ET in it.) Don't get me wrong, BP is still a hot man. I just feel like the magic is gone. I blame Angelina Jolie.

Are you guys still into Bradley? Or have we moved on to b's like Harry Potter or whatever? (Shudder.)



Pin It

Monday, July 30, 2012

PTL. Something Cheap That Works Like a MoFo. (Or at Least a Mo. Or a Fo.)

By this time, if you know ANY effin' THING about me, you know a couple of things: I am an oily, oily ass b, and I love some cheapness. But I really hate when something is cheap and doesn't work. I have a freakin' crap load of junk that falls into that category.

On the oily tip, I feel like I have tried almost every dry shampoo out there. From cheap to expensive, powder that you shake on to spray nonsense, I've tried it all. Back in the day, when my hair was so blonde that it was pretty much white, baby powder was my jam. I mean it's made to absorb moisture. Bam! Done. But now that my hair is dark, that ish is completely out the window. Don't even attempt that mess, you will look like a trashy attempt at a George Washington costume. Not good. Back to the point, I have yet to find a dry shampoo in all of my explorations that really does a bomb ass job. I'm usually served up with a big ol' helping of "meeeeeh," with a large side of still oily hair.

Which brings me to a few weeks ago. One of my friends, who feels my oily/dark hair/every dry shampoo sucks pains let me know that she had found a winner in the dry shampoo. Enter Salon Grafix Invisible Dry Shampoo:

You can buy it pretty much anywhere, from Walmart to Target to Walgreens (or wherever the eff) and it's about $6 or $7. I was pretty "b please" about it before I tried it, because usually these 'invisible' dry shampoos are: a) not invisible, and b) don't friggin' work. But I have to say, I was impressed by this lil' dude. I read some of the low reviews on Amazon, and I have to put this out there -- don't spray it on the ends of your hair if you want your hair to be soft and shiny. SPRAY IT ON YO' ROOTS, PEOPLE. I actually took some before and after pictures of my three day unwashed gross hair. Those of you with a weak stomach, avert your eyes.
Not bad. I wouldn't win even World's Ugliest Dog beauty pageant or anything, but much, much better. One and a half thumbs up! (If you are of normal oily levels, this will be your new b.)




Pin It

True Blood Musings: They Can't All Be Blood Fests...

The highlight of the show this week was LaLa's head wrap/earring/eyelash combo. Love it. Let's talk about the rest of this week's snooze fest-ish episode.

Jump that ish!


Pin It

storystack

Google