Beauty Inspired by a Junk-Touching Day Job (I Said DAY Job, Sickos!)

I love The Client List. I tried to resist that mess for like a month or so, then I caved and watched like five episodes in a row. (I know, I need to get a library card.) But it's good, you guys! Whatever, I don't even care if you judge my ass on this one.

Just in case you haven't seen this show (which really should air on Masterpiece Theater), the premise is Jennifer Love Hewitt's character is a massage therapist that starts doing a little hand dance and such on her clients when she has to make it as a single mom, after her husband leaves her. Side note -- Every client dude on this show is super hot, and has twenty pack abs. Even the undercover cop that tries to bust (Ha!) her. You know that ish is not factually accurate. Have you SEEN most dudes?

These are the products that I think JLH's character should use to make her day go more...smoothly.

Desert Essence Nourishing Body Oil

I bought this ish at Whole Foods for about $10, and I love it. It's an all-natural oil that combines like 10 different good-for-you oils, and it's really rich and moisturizing. It's badass and would totally work as a massage oil. I can't tell you if I like it for that purpose, because, b please, I'm way too lazy and selfish to be massaging people.

Another thing about TCL (That's what we call it on the message boards! -- If you believe that, I hate you.) is that it takes place in Texas, so everyone has hair that's big as hell. My hair is ridiculously flat and fine, so I have a couple of products that I use to get a little volume up in that piece.

L'Oreal EverStyle Volume Root Lifting Spray

I like this mess because it's pretty cheap (about $6 or $7) and it's alcohol free, so it's not super drying.

Kevin Murphy Full Again Thickening Lotion

My hair stylist got me started on this stuff, and I must say, I'm pretty into it. I can't say how much it costs, because I have no clue. I bought it when I got my hair done, so it was part of the whole price. I'm guessing from $20 to $30. This product is cool, because you put it on the ends/mid-shaft (heh) of the hair to thicken it. It's pretty, pretty sexual.

JLH spends a lot of time in some skimpy ish on this show. She's steady rubbing dudes down on their backs and their no no spots, and she usually does it in lingerie. And nothing goes hand in hand with lingerie like self tanner.

St. Tropez Self Tan Bronzing Mousse

I have spread the love with St. Tropez before, but let me repeat myself. This is the bizz-nass right here. It dries fast, the color is phenomenal, and it high fives you. (No, it doesn't) It's on the expensive side, ($40 for 8 oz at Sephora) but you will think you've died and gone to Ibiza after you use it.

If you are a masseuse that uses their hands all day, you better get it right and get it tight on those nails.

Essie Wicked

This polish is the perfect shade of super deep red that's almost black. It's my total go-to polish if I'm feeling indecisive. Perfect for the naughty girl that's a little bit "wicked." (Ugh. Barf. That was THE WORST.) At least I didn't use OPI's "I'm Not Really a Waitress." I am so completely unfunny today. Right, Tami?




When you have a long day of performing seedy activities, you need ish that lasts, right?

Revlon Just Bitten Lipstain + Balm

I have had a few of these for a while, and they last forever on your lips. The only down side is that they are drying, like all stains, but there's a little lip balm thing on the other end. But, don't try to get these b's on the lips during your "massage." They don't get down like that.

Do you guys watch The Client List? If not, you best get on it. I'm all up on JLH's vajazzled jock.



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How I Went From Feeling "Meh" to "Shablam" About a Product in One Day

So there's this weird thing happening lately. Ever since I started this blog, everything that I have ever reviewed is something that I have bought myself. It wasn't really by choice, I was just super unpopular. (Guess I'll go eat worms.) But since I have gotten a little more exposure, people have started sending me stuff to try. But I've been treating stuff just like stuff I buy myself, which is: If I like it, I'll write about it. If I don't, I won't. So this is my first review of something that I didn't actually buy.

This is Yoshi's Magic Water, which you can buy online for $14. I was super skeptical on this mess when I received it. It seriously just looks like water in a spray bottle. It is supposed to be used either as a pre-treatment to styling or as a pick me up type of deal on dirty(ish) hair. I was really excited to try it in place of a dry shampoo, for a couple of reasons. Mainly, because I'm super lazy (which I have mentioned roughly 102830298 times) and basic hygiene is just so damn emotionally taxing. (I have to actually wash things???) But I am also oily to the absolute extreme, which lends itself to amazingly fun ish like adult acne and greasy ass hair.

So I spritzed this stuff all up on my oil slick of second day hair (P.S. I hate you b's that are like, "I haven't even washed this mop for two weeks!" And your hair is all luxurious and crap. I'm making a voodoo doll  made from your gorgeous hair, just so you know.) Anyway, I sprayed and lightly styled (lazily blow dried for 2.3 seconds with a round brush) and you know what? It wasn't that bad! Not like fresh as a daisy or anything, but it never is. So I used it a couple of times that way to pretty good results.

But I still wasn't completely on board the Magic Water train. (Which should be a ride at a theme park. I would totally ride that.) I really was using it as a late afternoon/early evening bang area de-greaser. Which it was great for.

But then yesterday, I decided to spray it on before blow drying, and not use anything else as far as styling products. (I usually use a argan oil and some other kind of treatment spray.) After styling, I thought my hurrr was looking pretty good. And it felt great, too. Not weighed down, but still relatively silky. So anyway, I just go to work and live my normal life.

Well, THREE people within a couple hours told me that my hair looked great, and what did I do differently? Whaaaat? They said my hair looked really shiny. Okay, boo boo! I'll take it!

Pic via Buzz Feed

This was me, thinking about my hair complements. (Except my hair looked better.)

So bottom line, I will be buying this myself after my sample is gone!

P.S. On the real, the sloth should try the Magic Water. That hair is looking coarse as hell.


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Get Ready to Judge My Ass: Top 5 H's I Wanted to be When I Was a Kid

 Honorable Mention -- Any b from Kids Incorporated

I mean, come on. Fergie Ferg and Jennifer Love Hews...Whatevs. I was jealous as eff as all of these little chicken heads. Young kids singing age inappropriate songs? That gets all kinds of "YAAAS" from me.



 #5 -- The main chick from Ladybugs

 I don't know this girl's name or story. All I know is she was really pretty, and she got to co-star with my super crush at the time, Jonathan Brandis. And, bonus:

 B got to work with Jackee Harry. End of list.

#4 -- Clarissa from Clarissa Explains It All 

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I was totally obsessed with this mess. Her outfits...So avant garde! My fake name when I was a kid was Clarissa. What, you didn't have a fake name?

But my favorite thing about Clarissa was her room:

Man, that ish was hot. I was dying to do all this crap to my room, but my mom was all, "You can't paint over your wallpaper. It will dimish the resale value of the house. Blah, blah." Ugh, white middle-class people are so uptight.

But my favorite Melissa Joan Hart moment actually came just a few years ago.

Tell me you can tear your eyes away. I know you can't. Mmmm. I'm hungry for Fruit Roll Ups, now.

#3 -- The daughter from She's Out of Control

 You guys have probably never seen this fantastic piece of art, but it's magnificent. I mean it stars Tony Danza! (But no Angela, and even worse, NO MONA!)

But it has one of those awesome "from nerd to gorge" scenes:

REALLY?!? She looks like this dude:

Ridic, movie people. Ridic.

But check out this outfit. That heel is almost too sexy for Hollywood. But on the real, this movie made me Down 4 Life when it comes to thigh highs.

 #2 -- Teen Witch

If you haven't seen Teen Witch, I can't even with you. It is the best thing in the world, hands down. Like, the music in this mess will rock the HELL out of your world. The absolute best moment in cinematic history is this one:



Look at this ish. It's flawless as eff. Sigh.

And I always wanted to be the most popular girl. The best part of this is the gangster dude getting super into the musical number:



Ugh, I'll never have an embellished denim vest that is half that beast. I hate my life.

#1 -- The Queen (Princess? Whatever.) from The Neverending Story

Who knows what this b's name is. I've watched this movie about 284982 times, and I still don't know. But that head piece is one of the best things I have seen to this day. Also, she wore makeup and she was like, maybe 10. So. Freakin'. Jealous.

I was also weirdly obsessed with these statues:

Boob envy? Badass wing envy? I don't know, but they are cool.

Side note: What the hell was this all about?

That ish is scary as eff.

As you can see, I was a weird kid that became a weird adult.

Who did you guys want to be when you were a kid? Or was that even a thing for you? Am I insane? (Probs.)




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Barely Still Timely Videos: Evil Queen Makeup Tutorial

Seriously, don't watch this. It's not good. But if you insist, it's a tutorial to get the look from Snow White and the Huntsman's evil Queen character as played by Charlize Theron. (Except obvs not as good. I'm not a unicorn.)

Here's the inspiration, bee-tee-dubs:

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What the WHAT??? I AM ALLURE'S BEAUTY BLOGGER OF THE YEAR!!!

I'm sorry if I annoyed you with my Kanye yelling CAPS, but if ever there were a time they were acceptable, THIS IS IT! (Sorry! I can't stop!)

I really can't thank everyone enough that supported me, voted on me, and the like. I love all my b's! And I'm so shocked and nervous, I could vom all over the Teacups ride today.

Once again, thanks to Allure and Revlon, and YYYYAAAAAAAYYYYY!

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Kan-Yeezy's New Kicks

Okay, I was trying, obvs unsuccessfully, to be cool with that headline. Sigh. This is Kanye West's new Nike sneaker (Is that what you say? It sounds like an old person to me.) called the Nike Air Yeezy II. I'm sure that mostly chicks are reading this, so most of us will not be wearing these. Or perhaps you will, I'm not up in your dude-shoe-wearing bizz like that.

Is it me being old, or do these look dangerous? I feel like I would be ripping the ish out of my car interior and such with that spiked mess. The back of these things are very reminiscent of this:

And if you don't recognize Cera from The Land Before Time, I bid you "Good day!" Slap yourself across the face with a pair of white gloves, and go to Blockbuster. (Too soon?)

Are you guys into these shoes? If you were a dude (or yourself) would you wear them?



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Get Your Pitchforks Greased and Ready for Me

On second thought, that was a terrible choice of imagery for this post, given the topic. I have to tell you guys something, and it's going to piss some of you off. Here goes:

I kind of hate Fifty Shades of Grey.

Let me say this first. (Ugh, I originally typed "fist.") If anyone in my family is reading what I've typed right now, please go away. This is not for you, Aunt Sally or Gam Gam. (I have changed their names, because clearly they would want me to.)

Now that it's just us dirty-minded w's, can we get real? These books are not good. Was the sex part pretty good at the beginning? Sure, fine. But after the 293487039284 tryst, we gots it. You guys like doing each other and stuff. SMOLDERING!!!! And full disclosure -- I'm only halfway through the second book. So maybe alien abduction or something awesome is going to happen soon. But if not, I must say: Can a b get a plot up in here?

I swear the first book was sponsored by the word "bodywash." And when's the last time you saw a crazy hot dude with copper hair and gray eyes? If this is really a fan fiction book about Carrot Top, I will freak the eff out. How is this going to be a movie? I don't see how. You can only show so many "circling thumbs" before you get a NC-17 rating.

Okay, I'm done. I will attempt to read the rest of the books, and swallow (heh) my pride.

Am I wrong, guys? Do you hate me now?


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