Lazy B Diaries: Beauty Crap You Should ACTUALLY Do

Hiding Dirty - behind my Snuggie.

 I have not been shy about the fact that I am the laziest of the lazies. If laziness was in the Olympics, I would have medaled in the Junior Olympics back in the day, and now be a contender for the Senior Olympics. (Old.) Even if you are totally on my team, there are some things that you should actually still take care of in your beauty world.

1. Clean your makeup brushes: I know, that ish is SO annoying. But you should really try to clean those b's once a week. Ugh, it's the worst. But neglecting to clean makeup brushes can actually damage the bristles. Not to mention it can totally eff with your skin if you are using dirty mess all over your face. (Duh.) If you don't feel like getting fancy and buying a brush cleanser like this one:

MAC Brush Cleanser, $13

You can use a baby shampoo or a gentle facial cleanser. Do this, seriously.

2. Don't leave your lips nakey: Even if you want to you bare-faced, throw on some type of lip product. Gloss, lipstick, chapstick with a hint of color...Something! You can cover your eyes with sunglasses, but nothing screams, "Look at my washed out face," like bare lips.

Pic via Buzzfeed

Do  you want everyone looking at you like this??? I didn't think so. Keep something easy like:

 

 Maybelline Baby Lips Lip Balm

Or one of my favorites:

Revlon Colorburst Lip Butter

on your person all the time. You never know when you're going to run into your ex-boyfriend. Don't look a hot mess.

3. Style your "bang area": Even on days when you just want to air dry your hair, blow dry/style the front. Trust. You won't have that weird, cowlick/but wait I don't have a cowlick/I look crazy hair thing going on. This is literally what my hair looks like if I don't do this, and let all of my hair air dry.

I'm not exaggerating. Don't let serial killer Aileen Wuornos be your hair twin. You want to look bad ass, but not THAT kind of bad ass.

4. Wash your freaking face at night: Ugh, I hate this one the most. Washing my face at night seems as daunting as swimming the English Channel every night. (Is the Chunnel under the Channel? That would make sense, but I'm no Magellan.) But this ish is really important, as much as it sucks. Sleeping all night with a nasty makeup/oil/dirty gross marination on your skin is not cute. If you want to skip a cleansing, skip the morning wash. Not washing at night leads to congested skin, clogged pores, acne, and just all-over grossness. (It's a medical term.)

What is your beauty dread? Being a girl is the worst.



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Time to jump in our spaceships!

So, before you play this at full volume in your cubicle, it's super NSFW language. I mean, obvs. It's Tupac, y'all.

But seriously...

Now, let's all ride or die.



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Let's Play the 'I'm Trash' Highlights for Adults

You guys remember Highlights Magazine, right? It was at your Dr.'s office and crap when you were a kid, waiting to get your tetanus shot or whatever your pediatric deal was. You had to find a pair of scissors in a picture of an owl's nest or some mess. You were supposed to locate the stuff that didn't belong. That was the point. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you should get a subscription. That ish was the bomb. (Yep, it's '97 all over again.)

So let's play a little Highlights. Pick out all of the things in this picture that prove that I am a trash bag. I won't even make you flip to another page for the answers!

1. I have weave tracks falling out of my head. (A least it's not real REAL hair. Silver lining!)
2. As you can tell by my steering wheel, I am both an unsafe driver and a dirty b, because I put my makeup on in the car. (And obvs smear junk all over the car.)
3. I often have black crap on my fingers because I use them as a cosmetic brush.
4. It's hard to tell in this picture, but all of my nails BUT my thumb nail are painted.
5. If this were a scratch-and-sniff photo, you would know that my makeup brushes kind of smell like McDonald's french fries. I haven't been to a McDonald's in years.

Wow, wasn't that nostalgic and fun??? I am an equal opportunity b. I hate myself as much as everyone else, so it evens out...

What makes you guys trash? Or are you way to classy to answer that question?



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Lazy B Guide: 3 Easy Top Knots

Have I mentioned that I'm lazy? I'll help you disguise a dirty mop...Lazy style.

Laaaaa-zy.


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J Love Needs Better Friends

How much do you love (no pun intended) this pic, BT-dubs? Poor Jennifer Love Hewitt. I really feel for this b. I was reading this article over at X17 in which she talks about how she has a big crush on Adam Levine, and how he hasn't reached out to her to even thank her for airing said crush. And also how she @ tweeted Joe Jonas and told him to have a Happy Easter and to watch her show. What the what?

Giiiirl, do you not have any friends? You have been suffering from a case of the 'try too hards' for years now, J Love. You seem to be a very nice girl, but it's WAY. TOO. MUCH. The constantly talking about who you like, the vajazzling thing...Please stop. You are almost entering Courtney Stodden levels of attention-demanding stunts. I just can't with you anymore.

I want to make you a nice pot of chamomile tea, and have a little sit down like we're starring in a Summer's Eve commercial. "It's time to stop with this nonsense, honey." I'll say while I pat your hand. "Remember those pictures of you in the bikini playing tennis?" I'll gently remind her, while I pull out this picture, marked 'Exhibit 1B'.

"No one wears espadrilles while playing sports. Not even an OC Housewive." Then I'll hand her a guest Snuggie and we will watch The Client List (OG tv movie, not the show) together.

Call me, J Love.

Stop tweeting Jonas brothers, please.

Update :
I just found this JLH quote from US Weekly - "I carry McCormick's Pure Vanilla [in my purse] -- the baking kind -- and dab it on my neck... Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, 'You smell amazing!'"

Ugh.

P.S. I'm going to buy vanilla extract. I hate myself.



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Forget About the Foreclosure, What the Eff is Up With Your Eyebrow Game?

Listen, Octomom. You are making a national television appearance. I know that you are down and out right now, but there is not an excuse for those brows paired with not a stitch of eye makeup. And I just can't even start with that shirt.

Let's see with RHOA's Dwight has to say:

 

That b's word is final.

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Hey, Rihanna...

Why are you wearing Gam Gam's jammies?

P.S. Your hair looks 1,000 times better than that thirsty blonde weave you've been sporting, so congrats on that!




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