Don't Fall Asleep Tonight...

Because this might scare the tee tee out of you. (Wear your Nighty Nights just in case.)



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Things I Learned by Seeing Vanessa Hudgens in the Grocery Store Today

Pic via Twitter

V Hudge (we're on that level now) is in my town filming a movie, along with Selena Gomez and some other chick. That's her in the center of the pic, with a blonde wig on, for whatever reason. Anyway, I'm just shopping today at Fresh Market (the more annoying/not as good Whole Foods), I turned down one of the aisles, and there's Vanessa Hudgens. I was trying to give my husband the shifty eyes and mouthing "Vanessa Hudgens." (I'm so annoying. I hate myself.) I finally had to drag him to another aisle to tell him, and that b still didn't believe me. I had to google a picture of her neck tattoo to convince him.

So here's what I learned from my brief V Hudge sighting:

- She buys herself red roses. (Okay, klassy lady.)

- She likes onions. AND red apples. (hmmmmm)

- She eats granola bars BEFORE paying for them. (CRIMINAL!)

- She wasn't wearing makeup. (Vac Efron would NEVER make that rookie mistake.)

- She's somewhat polite. I moved my shopping cart out of the way to make room for her to get by and she mumbled, "Thanks."
- She drinks SWEETENED almond milk. (Judging.)

Am I paparazzi now? Sorry, if you're reading this V Hudge (I'm sure she always reads my blog.) that I was staring at your ass (Not your actual ass.) and I wrote a boring blog post about you. I hate myself.

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I Finally Found Something to Sop Up This Oily A** Mess!

Have I mentioned that I'm oily? Okay, I always harp on this ish. I have real problems, y'all. ISSUES. I have to wash my hair daily. Even if I try to do a 'bun day' with dirty hair, it's not happening. It looks like I put surfboard wax or some mess in my hair. It's pretty effin' gross. In an effort to not wash my hair errr day, I have tried a plethora of dry shampoos. They usually suck.

Having dark hair, it's kind of hard to find a great dry shampoo that doesn't make you look like you are trying to look like an English judge in a powdered wig. (Which is pretty sexual, Bee Tee Dubs.) I've found that most of the time, spray dry shampoos do nothing on my hair, and powders make me look insane.

So I had not high hopes for my latest conquest:

This is No Drought by Lush. It costs about $13. If you aren't familiar with this place, it's that store in the mall that has a bunch of soaps in it, and you can smell a mile away. Stronger than Auntie Anne's Pretzels. Ish is strong.

And here's what it looks like out of the package:

To apply it, you can either squirt the mess directly in your hair, or squirt it on your hand and rub through your hair. It's messy as hell, I'm not going to lie. But it's just as cray if you use baby powder or whatever. Unlike baby powder, it doesn't smell like a baby's butt. It smells like lemons. (Which I prefer to diaper scent, personally.) And unlike baby powder, I don't find it to make it look like I have gray hair, as long as I brush my hair out.

With the assistance of this stuff, I can actually, on occasion, wear my hair down the day after shampoo. A couple of times I have even gone THREE DAYS. (Hair up, natch.) Call the Vatican, I'm pretty sure that qualifies for a miracle.

I'm into it.  (Duh.) Let me know if you guys have a favorite dry shamps that I don't even know about. Sharing is caring! I won't ask you b's how long you go without washing your hair, because I wouldn't drop dead with jealousy of your dirtiness. LAZINESS 4 EVA!

You still got it, Marky Mark.



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She's Baaaack

Pic via US Weekly

Lindsay Lohan left LA court today as a free woman. B's off probation! Pop bottles (please don't)!

I will say a quick "Thank you Jesus" to the fact that honey boo boo chile went back to being a ginge. I don't know what is happening so much with her facial sitch, but it (kinda?) looks good. She looks somewhat Leann Rimes-ish. But those toofs are looking good, and her skin looks like a human (and not an 80 year old one). But that pantsuit? Katie Couric, you are not. Even Ann Curry would throw you a hardcore side eye on that choice. And going up a size wouldn't kill you, kiddo.

Keep it together, Lindz.

Put one of these over your bed, and stare at it every morning. You'll be a-okay!

P.S. When you're bored (like you are after reading this ish), go to YouTube and search "Ann Curry." There are a bunch of videos of Ann Curry's legs. Why are creepers so creepy?




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This is...Different.

Here's a video of (forever in my mind) Cher Horowitz feeding her kid by chewing up her food and spitting it into his mouth. I don't have kids, so maybe I'm out of the loop in life. Is this a thing? Do people spit in their baby's mouths? Wouldn't your kid be hanging on your mouth all the time like one of these things?

I'm not going to lie. This ish freaks me out a little. I would be all:

Okay, maybe not that harsh. It is an infant, after all.

What do you guys think? Is this ish 'normaling'?



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Hunger Games Makeup Tutorial!

Here's the picture I used for reference:

Everybody try it! Go Hunger Games!!!! TWEEEE!


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Why is 'The Situation' in Rehab?

(Not an actual picture of the Situation)

As you may have heard, America's Sweetheart has entered rehab for unknown reasons. A rep for MTV claims that it is for "rest and recuperation." To which I give a big ol' "b please" served with a heaping side eye. You want to rest? Go to a Sandals resort or some ish. Maybe sit your ass in a velour Lay-Z-Boy for a hot minute.

I'm going to speculate on the real reason that Mike Sorrento (I think that's actually a cheese brand, but I don't feel like googling that mess.)

- He's addicted to pledging his face. (Why is it so shiny? Whyyyy?)

- He's addicted to forcing girls to wear his lounge wear as soon as they come to his house from the club, and before he sexes them. (I think that Freud might have an answer to that one.)

- He can't stop getting haircuts that include shapes being shaved into one's head, such as stars and stripes. (Patriotic!)

- He can't get over his obsession/jealousy with his friend, the Unit's (bleh), lustrous hair. (Have you seen it? It's kind of insane.)

- He's truly exhausted from fake working at a t-shirt shop, when in reality he gets paid $100k per episode.

I need to go to rehab over the fact that this dumdum (Sorry, no disrespect, Mr. DumDum.) is driving around in damn Bentleys and ish, while I wonder if Dodge has discontinued the Neon for my next car. 

P.S. If homeboy really needs to go to rehab, I'm proud of that b for going. But stop sending out press releases and just go!

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