Showing posts with label What Is Happening Here. Show all posts
Showing posts with label What Is Happening Here. Show all posts

Monday, May 13, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: This Highly Refined and Sophisticated (NO.) Boy Band Video



Listen, I don't know from what year this atrocity hailed, but I would venture a guess that it's early 00's. Canned cheese on a cracker, this sh*t is bad. It meets all the criteria of GUUUURL-ness:
  • Worst font in the history of fonts -- CHECK
  • Biggest fright I've had from viewing a scene through a toy -- CHECK
  • Most awkward frosted, chunky, super-saturated with hair wax hair that I've ever seen -- CHECK
  • LAYERED wife beaters in assorted colors -- CHECK (Somebody splurged on the 5 pack)
  • Adult women flirting with (and touching) an elementary school aged child -- CHECK
  • Wide variety of choker necklaces -- CHECK
  • Weird sexual innuendo in a video starring a child -- CHECK
  • Sh*t ton of track pants -- CHECK
  • Upper arm bandana -- CHIGITY CHECK
  • Bulletproof vest/life jacket hybrid apparel -- CHECK
  • Kid wearing a furry pimp hat -- CHECK
  • Possible origination of visual inspiration for Avatar characters -- CHECK
  • Skin color more unusual than that of an Avatar character -- CHECK
  • Exploitation of homeless character for zero reason -- CHECK
These dudes have hair only one of these ill-advised hats could love.


Thanks be to The Ashlee Simpson Show that the early millenniums are effing over. That was a hot ass mess of a time period. Shut the door on that ish forever, ever. (Ever, ever?)


Yes. Bye, b*tch.




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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Hold On To Your, Errmm, Hats (And/Or Do Rags), Ladies.

Warning: Lyrics NSFW, but video is 100% SFL, if you like sexy things.



If this video is a joke, IMMA BE SO PISSED. Move over Drake, because Amanda Bynes is about to be asking this tiny slice of do' ragged, side burned, happy trailed heaven named Dhananjay The First to murder her lady flower. 

Dhananjay likes to discuss the size of his downstairs area in this song, but I'm a little concerned about it, because his underwear is at full-on high tide status. 

And D is super resourceful, because he borrowed that stone washed denim jacket from the set of Brokeback Mountain. He's so sentimental. 

At roughly the 1:00 mark we start to hit some rough waters. D's partner is REALLY wasting a lot of that Mumms. You have A LOT of homies, friend. Not to mention, he's totally ripped off Justin Bieber's dumbass ski mask thing.



I made this last night, and posted it to my instagram, because these are the things that I do with my life and time. And because JB looks prettier this way. 

And can we not even talk about what happens around the 1:13 mark? I had your back, D, and you get on that? No. But if you've made it to 1:19, you get rewarded with 14" of boxers and 3" of hairy chest (and bling). What a ratio. 

At about 1:30, I thought we had introduced a lady friend with lovely hands. But, no, that's just ol' Dhananj, showing off a preview of more swag that it to come. SOMEBODY'S been hitting up the thrift shops! 

At 1:45, we realllly need some lighting here, guys. I know that your Gam Gam said you could use her fancy parlor to film in if you were super quiet and didn't disrupt her watching her stories, but this is ridiculous. SLOW PAN OUT...And scene.



Who the hell am I kidding? I LOVED THIS SH*T.



And, yet, I somehow feel like Jean Ralphio is behind this in some way.



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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Rumer Willis' Everything Game is All Kinds of Wrong.


This is what Rumer Willis (who is Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's daughter, DAD) wore to some Las Vegas day club opening this weekend. But before we get into this effery, can someone tell me what in dumb's sake a DAY CLUB is? Can't it just be a club that's open during the day? Or a pool or whatnot? Quit trying to reinvent the slut wheel, Vegas.

Anyway, I don't even care about the fact that lil' boosie is wearing a bikini top and glitter eff skirt. It's Las Vegas. And a day club. I don't know the appropriate dressing etiquette. But those sandals look like they should be worn by a Pop Pop named Saul that lives in Boca Raton. And her hair isn't bad in THEORY, but for some reason it looks like it was Fashion Plate-d onto her head. It makes my eyeballs feel awkward.


Here's Rumer (Is it wrong to hope that she opens a strip club named after herself?) with a friend, that is bringing up some questions for me. What is that faux camera thing around homeboy's neck? If that silly nonsense is an iPhone case, I will LOSE. MY. SH*T. I'm getting too old for this mess, you guys.



pics via buzzfeed




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Monday, March 18, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Bradley Cooper Sporting What I Can Only Hope is a Precursor to a Tight, TIGHT Ass Perm

via huffpo
Brad Coo is making some crazy ass movie where he apparently works at a slutty Army Surplus store that does illegal perms on the side. Or not -- I don't know what the hell this is all about, but if tight spiral perms are involved, sign my ass up. I've been looking for a hot as eff hairstyle from a movie, because I haven't really felt one since that dick Darryl Soul Glo-ed it up in Coming to America.


I know, I know. Dude straight up ripped off Lionel Richie's "Hello" hair, but it was a hot look. So whatever the eff Bradley's movie is about, that hair better be looking right. If not, he has to do this, like, ALL THE TIME.



Don't even play like you aren't into this right now. Stop it.


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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

What the Eff Kind of Michael's Flower Section Explosion Outfit is This, Ke$$$$ha?

via eonline
The worst thing about this nonsense, for me, isn't even the silk flower sh* show. It's those terrible, three times shinier than a Hooter's girl pantyhose. Holy balls, those things are atrocious. But on the real, gluing rejected faux flower petals about your crotchal region does not an outfit make. And I'm pretty effin' open as to what constitutes clothes. If Ke$h didn't create this outfit herself with a glue gun and leftover materials from a few discarded Bridezillas bridesmaids' bouquets, then homegirl should demand a hefty refund to her PayPal account. Because that Etsy picture she ordered this mess  from did NOT represent the real outfit well, obviously.




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Thursday, March 7, 2013

Oh, Courtney Stodden. You Bring Rainbows to My Life.

Warning: C Stodd drops several effs in this video, so watch it with headphones, or something, if you are at work. Or turn it the hell up if you work somewhere that embraces yelling eff super loud. (Can you pick up an app for me if that's the case?)



Here's my favorite teenage dream, pretending to be her (Emo? Hipster? Rocker? Hot Topic employee?) sister, Courtland. She's been making these weird videos of her "sisters" lately, which I'm afraid is turning into some creepy role play game. Homegirl MIGHT need to pick up a couple of part-time shifts at Subway or something. She seems bored, and I'm concerned. And why 30 seconds of this video is spent in an "I'm giving birth" pose, I am not quite sure. But at least Stods has a sense of humor about her...life. Okay, now I feel sadness.


Okay, I'm good again. KOALAZZZ ROOL.



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Thursday, February 28, 2013

Just In Case You Need a Little Motivation to Get You Through the Rest of the Week



This could be you.




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Sunday, February 10, 2013

Ethan Hawke, You're Code Platinum Freaking Me the Eff Out.

via buzzfeed
You guys. No, a scary clown, Iggy Pop, and current Billy Idol didn't have a threesome (or maybe they did) and produce this person. THIS IS ETHAN-REMEMBER-HOW-HOT-I-WAS-IN-REALITY-BITES-HAWKE. Now before you get all up on my jock, I know he's in some play or some sh*t and that's what this look is all about. But b*tch isn't on stage when this shit was taken. Put on an effin' hat, witch hazel off that eyeliner, and get some deeeeeeep moisturizer on your mug before subjecting all of our retinas to this mess.


More of this, less of whatever the gross is happening up there. I'm done. I'm eyes are making my mind grapes hurt.


And some wine. Lots of wine.



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Saturday, February 2, 2013

Why Not Start Your Saturday Off With Some Delightful Music Stylings? (AKA The Worst Music Video Ever.)



This video was dubbed on YouTube as "the worst music video ever." After watching it roughly seven times, it has kind of become my anthem. It's like the modern day version of Aretha Franklin's "Respect," or something. And lucky for you, I have transcribed the happenings of the entire 4:18 of this diamond in the rough. YOU ARE WELCOME, world.

The first 30 seconds of this mess looks like an opening for a really, really, sh*tty Chicago-based soap opera. Then we see our heroine, looking most reminiscent of a younger, blonder, George Costanza's mother. In the next shot, we really get to see what homegirl is working with, and let me clue you in, sister, those pants are atrocious. It's like FUPAs were breeding with more FUPAs up in there. If it were legal to burn whatever material that makes up those pants, I would highly suggest it. After ANOTHER long shot of the Chicago skyline, our eyes can feast upon the romantic lead of the story. Now, we KNOW that he's a bad boy, because not only is he leather-clad and mulleted, but HE PARKS HIS MOTORCYCLE IN A "NO PARKING" AREA. Swoon city, party of one! Amiright?!? It's time of a little backstory -- we get a vignette of them walking together in matching outfits, with matching, puffy ass hair, and waving to pretend friends (adoring fans?), then riding off into the sunset late morning. Next we're back to the FUPA pants shot, with a possible Delorean sighting in the background, and we get a close up of the stone wall behind Darla (I don't know her name, but it fits). Oh, sike! Darla's back, and her face is more scrunched up than ever. Then we get: road warrior, more scenery filmed from a car window, and a payphone shot, complete with sexy leather gloves! Oh, Darla, it's "anymore" not "no more." Now fancy camera work. Uh oh? What do we have here? Darla's at the airport in her fancy ass limo? Why didn't the driver even carry her bags? And there she goes (we are supposed to assume), flying off to another exotic location. Where do you think she went? My guess is to Dubai to marry a super glamorous Sheik.

P.S. I just saw that Darla's name is really Jan. I'm going to suggest that you go ahead and change that, Jan. It's Darla, now.



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Monday, January 28, 2013

Hair Had a Turrible, Turrible Night Last Night

So the SAG Awards happened last night, and although I never watch awards shows, because that sh*t is super boring, I do like to look at red carpet pictures. And judge them. Duh, have we met? And while I perused the photos over on Buzzfeed, I noticed a very tragic theme. People were werking some horrendous hair, overall.

WTF, Baldwin? I turn to your ass to be the hot old dude. WHAT IS THIS?
Frieda Pinto is a beautiful mofo, and she looks like she's chaperoning a school dance.
Put down the flat iron, Timmy. This is completely gross, and makes you look old.
No, Megan Draper. Zooby Zooby...No.
I LOVE YOU, Jon Hamm, but you look like someone photoshopped your face into this picture. It's weirding me out, man.
And I don't even know what in hair helmet hell I'm looking at here.
 I mean, amiright???

via realitytvgifs
UPDATE IN THIS B:

There seems to be some dissension in the ranks, m'ladies and gents. (I just finished watching Downton. Get off me.) I just received this text from my friend, who CLEARLY disagrees with my JT reading.


This isn't a friggin' totalitarian state, you guys. (Bringing it back to middle school history ish.) Am I way off on any of these? Free yo' mind...and the rest will follow.


all pics via buzzfeed Pin It

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Oh, Sh*t. GUUUUUURL of the LIFETIME, You Guys: This Guy.



Bill Dollear, just effing marry me, you son of a b. I have seriously NEVER laughed so hard at someone's lofty, broken ass dreams as I did just now. I am truly a heartless, cold b*tch, but this ish is hilarious. Sorry, Bill -- call me. You can hang your tarp in my garage/car port/rec room whenever you want. Oh, and I'm pregnant.

P.S. WHO THE EFF IS REPRESENTING THIS PERSON? HOW DOES THIS EXIST???

via reddit

UPDATE: If you can't get enough, and you are wearing Depends adult diapers and have some eye drops handy, please watch Gary Murphy. (B doesn't blink ONCE. Like, ever.) Oh, and language is NSFW on this one, because GARY IS A BOSS.



Okay, I'm done. I think I can be an actor.




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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Get Out Your Fancy Scrunchie.

Holy sh*t, you guys. Screw all of that talk about Destiny's Child getting back together, because over on Buzzfeed they are saying that Kriss (m. effin') Kross ARE REUNITING for a one time concert in Atlanta next month. Let's not pretend like you weren't into this at the time:



You know you tried to force your denim overalls, that your mom bought you from JC Penney's kids' section, on awkwardly backwards, or you are wiggady wiggady wiggady whack. You tried. We all did. Oh and by the by, friends, here's what ol' KK looks like now.

via buzzfeed
Dude on the left is a DEAD RINGER for either KC or JoJo -- I never really figured out who's who.


And don't even get me started on that friggin' turtleneck. Did he time machine here? Now let's all get tickets to this ish and car pool together. Whose mom can drive? We're bringing back middle school.




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Monday, December 31, 2012

"I Got Cramps, All Right?"

I am a slightly saavy person of the world. I'm not completely out of touch with how sh*t works, so I totally understand that things like products placements are necessary to the world of TV and movies. Get that money, boo. But take a gander at this and tell me that you don't want to simultaneously want to stab out your own eyeballs, ear holes, and maybe even uterus.



WTF, soap operas? It's not enough that you're already the worst, you have to be like, THE WORST? This sh*t made me hate having a uterus, Midol, and pink sateen, all in one swift kick to the lady flower. And apron being all inquisitive about that nonsense made it all even worse. Go eat some delicious cheese sticks in the back, or something.


If you're sick of Grumpy Cat, then you best avert your eyes. Because that b is my number one homegirl, forever and ever. We always seem to exude the same feelings from our eyes. It's the anti-smize.






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Friday, December 28, 2012

Who the Eff is This Person?

via lana's instagram
Seriously, would you have EVER guessed that this person above is Lana del Rey? I would have sworn it was either Heidi Montag or a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader engaged in a quick glamour shots sesh. Maybe it's the fact that she's smiling, too. I don't think I have ever seen homegirl's teeth. She could have a grill for all I know, and be in the St. Lunatics. I don't really know her life like that.

I highly recommend following celebrities on instagram, because they can't help themselves from posting completely insane nonsense every ten minutes. It's not your Angelfire web diary set to private, people. I can see your ass. Speaking of, if you would like to follow the likes of my boringness on instagram, you can follow me at instagram.com/lilshan and see such nation treasures as this.


Did you guys notice that I like to keep my phone charge in the high ninetieth percentile? That's how I roll in this mother effer. (Or no one ever texts/calls/emails me. It's whatevs.)

P.S. Sorry for being so sh*tty about posting lately. I've been working my literal a-hole off (it fell off) at my retail job for the holidays. I've also got some other personal ish going on, which I may/may not ever talk about. But I'll try to be a lot less sh*tty. (Keyword: TRY.)



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Monday, December 24, 2012

And on the Eve of Jesus' Birthday, I Present to You: Codependent by the Gold Diggin Divas



No matter your religious beliefs/non beliefs, today I am presenting you with the world's worst present. These are the lovely Gold Diggin Divas, and this is their international hit, "Codependent." Listen to me with your now insulted ears. There are several issues with this mess. Number one, you can't just take a very popular rap song, change a couple of letters, and call it your own. Number two, you girls can get a library card for free (no black card needed) and hit up the dictionary section, because I don't think you know what codependent means. From WebMD (those b's know it all):

“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. It’s kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn’t sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that’s what it is. It means you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone else who’s not.”

Yep, not at all what you are "rapping" about. It's kind of the opposite of your intentions. Oh sh*t, today must be opposite day, you guys. It's been a hot minute for me, so I guess I was just rusty on the rules of OD. Now, I'm off to get my cootie shot.


 ENJOY.




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Friday, December 7, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Rose McGowan's...Errrm...Something

I was planning on making Pizza Hut's pizza-scented perfume today's GUUUUUURL, but then I came across these pictures of Rose McGowan.

via buzzfeed
There are a couple of issues here. First off, Rose might actually look worse than I do as a blonde. I think Rose is gorgeous, usually, but something is...hmmmm..weird here. And also --


Is it me, or is she giving off a total Candy Spelling vibe here? I equal parts can't put my finger on it/can't look away. And let's be real, that sweater isn't helping the sitch, either. How does a person that was once engaged to Marilyn Manson don a festive ass Christmas sweater like that?


I mean, remember ALL OF THIS? Homegirl was naked and wearing strippery chain mail. I saw every no no spot that ever existed on a human, and now woven prancing deer? It really is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. My feelings on these pictures can pretty much only be summed up with this.





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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

BREAKING NEWS: Tracy Morgan (Jordan) Has a Shark Tank


Tracy Morgan on WhoSay

AND IT IS ENCASED IN A FAUX SHARK MOUTH. What would Liz Lemon say about this?

via fakezombieseagoon
Yep. That about sums it up.


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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

And Mischa Barton Makes an Amazing Comeback! (Not.)



Because nothing says, "I'm back b's, and I've TOTALLY got my ish together!" like putting on a panda head and faux making out with another panda head. Why you gotta bring ol' Louis Armstrong into this mess???


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Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Lisa Turtle is Totally Stressing Me Out, You Guys.

Lisa Turtle (WTF kind of last name is that, anyway, Saved by the Bell writers???) A.K.A. Lark Voorhies (a forever sexual name) did a little interview with OMG Yahoo about what she's been up to in recent years. Here it is.



Ummm, I need to have Lark's email, cell phone, and home address info. I'm worried about her. Something doesn't look right. And I mean that without snark. What's up, Larkie poo? Here's a comparison if you hadn't seen her since she went to the toga party and wrecked her mom's car:

Pic via US Weekly

She just looks so...different. But, upon further review, I think I MIGHT have an inkling of what's going on. In the picture on the left, you can see a light spot on her forehead, near her hairline. I suspect that Lark might have vitiligo (what Michael Jackson allegedly had that lightened his skin). So, she might have a quite uneven skin tone now on most of her face. But the rest of her body looks unaffected.

Ugh, I don't know. All I know is whatever the case may be, we need to work on that hair and makeup situation, STAT.

We can fix this! It takes a village to help a cray beauty situation, but I've got you, L. Turts.




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Thursday, May 3, 2012

Clear EVERY-freakin'-THING from your DVR



SyFy has come up with another cinematic TV gem. I present to you the trailer of 'Jersey Shore Shark Attack.' This ish is quite a mess, and includes a cameo by Vinny from 'Jersey Shore.' (Of course it does.) Spoiler alert: Joey Fatone (yes, that Joey Fatone) gets eaten by a CGI shark that looks like it was created around Zelda's heyday.

Get your Emmy ballots out. I don't think we need to see anything more for the TV movie category. If that exists. And if it doesn't, it should. And if it does, this movie should get a lifetime achievement award.
 Because if anything deserves an award for creativity, it's a movie told from Joey Buttafuoco's point of view. That ish is a work of fantasy. But I will say:


Those b's are com-for-table.



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