I Hope We All Get To Rub This Pig's Belly This Weekend

Post by rus.delfi.lv.

I need to rub this tiny pig's belly, like, more than anything.

Britney Spears' "Gimme More" must have been written about baby piglet tummy scratch videos, because that's the only thing that makes sense in this world. Gimme, gimme more piggy vids.

If you have ever in your life seen anything cuter, please share in the comments.




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The Butt-Themed Weekend Anthem You've Been Waiting On

I have to be honest -- I have no idea what is happening in this video. I only know that the topic is ass (again) and that I shouldn't change the subject. And that homegirl has an aversion to looking at the camera unless she's wearing semi-transitional lenses.

I do need to know where one picks up an application to be the President of Ass, because I think that I'm probably qualified. Also, those dance moves are fresh to death. It's like a choo choo train impression. I'm way into it.

When you're in the club tonight, make sure you request "The Topic is Ass" to the resident DJ. I'm pretty sure that they love that shit.

P.S. I'm not even being sarcastic when I say that I kind of love this song. It's catchy as mother f.

P.P.S. If you need a palate cleanser after all of that, here's an hour of Lil' Bub kicking off the holidays for your ass (which is the topic).

ass song via reddit

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If You Can't Get Too Many Cooks Out Of Your Head, Here's Your Antidote

This is such a friggin' confusing piece of fine art. These British (???) people seem to have only heard of three fast food places. Nary a Taco Bell in Europe, I guess.

And they're talking about sex times, yet the dancing dog with the Jem makeup makes me think that your latest ringtone is for children. But the ass-slapping while singing about sauce and the "I'm coming back for more...HOTDOG!" makes me hope this is really not for juveniles. And I don't even want to know what "let's eat to the beat" means.

I just need to know which life-size My Buddy Special S&M Edition™dolls these three yanked those outfits from. I need to see everyone's receipts.

P.S. If you clicked there to buy the album, I can't talk to you anymore.

P.P.S. If you would now like to reinstall Too Many Cooks back into your brain after this hot mess express, you can watch my jankety remake here.

P.P.P.S. If you don't even know what the hell I'm talking about, get on everyone's level.


via reddit


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All Eyebrow Everything (Seriously, Like, Everything)

I tried to cover any and every eyebrow issue I could think of in this video -- trimming, which products to use for what, how and where to fill your eyebrows -- every-damn-thing.

If there's something you still aren't sure about, let me know in the comments, because I'm tapped, bruh.



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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Pumpkin Enzyme Facial

The second Allure Insiders facial video is a major Fall staple...the pumpkin! I'm getting all up in the Pumpkin Enzyme Facial, which is kind of like rubbing a Pumpkin Spice Latte on your mug, except that it's great for your skin.

What does it feel like? What does it smell like? (Side note -- I had to edit out at least five minutes of me talking about what each thing smelled like. It was getting creepy like woah.) Watch the video to get the answers to these burning questions and more. FALL 4EVA!


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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The "Million Dollar Facial"

Who's ready to get fancy up in here? Today I've got TWO Outrageous Beauty facial videos coming out for Allure Insiders. The first one is dubbed the "Million Dollar Facial," and involves tons of fancy pants stuff like a diamond microdermabrasion and a 24k face mask. I've never felt less garbage heap-y than I did after these treatments. (And you know that's saying a lot coming from me.)

Check it out if you're feeling extravagant. Or luxurious. Or lavish. I'll post the Fall-centric facial number two in a few hours, so keep those eyeballs peeled. You know, or just check back.




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A Crazy-Easy Fall Face, With A Bonus Mini ColourPop Haul

I did a combo video today. Like those gross pretzel-with-fake-pizza-cheese things, but hopefully 100% less gross. And more pizza-y.

It's one part easy Fall makeup tutorial, one part mini haul for ColourPop, one part rambling river mouth. (How many parts are there? It's unclear, much like my trains of thought.)

Here are the lip colors I talked about, in a collage where they look eerily similar. They are in fact different. Here's the top shade and here's the bottom. See? Totally...different.

And as promised, here are swatches and close-ups of the shadows. Pretty amazing, right? You can check out all the available shadows here.

I have to go do some shit. AKA this:

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My Attempt At One Of Those "What's In My Bag?" Things

I'm sorry for coughing all over your face. I would have edited that shit out, but then my eyeballs were all watery, and I didn't want it to seem as if I was just emotional over a purse. I really over-explained all of that.

Anyway, here's what I keep in my purse all the time. Do things feel awkward between us now?



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My Three Favorite Mascaras Right This Minute

I'm a pretty fickle sister when it comes to mascara. I rarely am all, "Damn, I love this mofo!" But, I currently feel that way about THREE mascaras. Don't slut-shame me.

Watch and let me know if you feel the same. Or other ones I need to try. I'm always open to adding more to my repertoire. (I'm wiggling my eyebrows in a creepy way right now.)




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Allure Insiders Get The Look: The Anti-Gone Girl

I'm so excited about Gone Girl coming out this weekend, man. I even heard that Ben Affleck is, like, GOOD good in it, so don't even trip on ol' Gigli. It'll be okay.

So for this week's Allure Insiders video, I did a kind of anti-Get the Look. No one wants to look like a maybe/possibly/I'm not ruining it for you dead person, so watch the video to get tips on how to look human on your worst days. Unless you're just naturally #flawless. In that case -- hey, Beyoncé.



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Watch This To Learn How To Make Sexy Eye Contact With People (JK, How To Look Like An Extreme Creep)

Here's how to pick up a nice young lady at the grocery store, according to this dude:

Step one: Stand in the makeup aisle, like any broseph is wont to do. (Bonus points for double embellished shirt status.)
Step two: This.

Step three: Talk, therefore closing the ol' pickup dealio. (He looks like he says "dealio.")
Step four: Get shanked with a mascara wand. Probably your weirdo eye.

Annnnnnd scene.

If any guy has happened upon this blog, I'm sure you were innocently googling something like "big ass porn," (it happens a lot). But while you're here, just head this warning: PLEASE NEVER, EVER (never, ever? never, ever.) DO THIS SHIT.

There's only one exception.

 

Okay, two exceptions.

If your name is Rick, and you're eyeball pervin' to try to telepathically tell me to get more hams and direct me promptly toward the oversized Hershey's Chocolate Bar for bonus points, peep creep away. Peep creep away, Rick. All soul windows on deck.



via reddit


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Want To Win The September Allure Sample Society Box?

Allure sent me their September Sample Society box to root through and see what it's all about, and I made this little baby haul video to share the info. There are lots of fun thingy-dos in this puppy. I'm actually pretty, pretty excited about it. If you want to see what's in the box (heh), watch away.

If you want more info on Allure Sample Society, you can check it out here. And if you want to win one of these babies for yourself, click here and see info on how to win one in the description box. Treat yo' self!



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Just In Case Your Monday Sucked, Here's A Sleeping, Quacking Cat

I think I might need a cat, man. I've always been in the camp of "kittens are cute as shit, cats are kind of whatever," but cats are seeming pretty baller lately.

Take this little fluff muffin. Homie straight up HATES coughing, and doesn't care who knows it. I don't blame this cat. There's nothing worse than some rude bitch trying to ruin your sleep business with noise, when all you're trying to do is lie with a pair of balls. RUDE.

If that wasn't enough to wipe the Monday out of your brain, here's a cat with a mustache.

source

If that STILL didn't help, go eat some cheese or something. Cheese helps 90% of problems.



Especially night cheese. Do you.



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The DuckTales Theme Song Starring Actual Ducks Is Just What Humanity Needs

In these trying times of Bieber ATV-related arrests and Miley nips (see below), these adorably fluffy mother efffers are here to save the world. Or rewrite history.

I used to watch DuckTales and Captain Planet every day before school, so this bit of nostalgia is seriously the best thing I've seen in at least three days. The duck with the bow on her head???

It's too adorable. I can't handle it. And Scrooge McDuck swimming (nude in this instance -- risque!) in his gold? Help, I need to hold a baby duck immediately.

Just in case you have a case of oldie brain (like me), here's the OG version for science.



I can't wait to see live duck versions of all of my favorite TV show intros: KIDS Incorporated, Golden Girls, 90210, Orange is the New Black...It's all coming together, world. It's all coming together.



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Allure Get The Look: Old School TV Dallas Meets That New New TV Dallas

This week for my Allure Insiders video I took a little bit of the old and glam-y Dallas TV show and mixed in that new new Dallas to come up with a combo look. I always hated Combos (the snack cracker), but this actually turns out okay! No fake, powdery cheese is involved, but hot rollers are.

Check it out and get an instant contact hairspray high. I MEAN, IT'S TEXAS, Y'ALL.



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Here's "Tiny Hamster In a Tiny Mansion," For All Of Your Monday Needs

Here we are. It's the beginning of another work week. Ain't that a bitch? Well, you know what isn't? This adorable-ass teensy hamster named Chicken just getting ready for the day.

Ugh, we know, Ryan. Don't come back until you're ready to show your abs and talk about your secret and going-to-be-a-gorgeous-creature baby.

CHICKEN 4 LYFE.



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Fire Up The Karaoke Machine, Here's Your New Anthem

So the actual lyrics for this song are NSFW like woah, but feel free to bump this loud and proud at any and all locations, because no one will even know that dude is saying eff 3485928340kjafldskj times. I mean, when the vocals get layered at 1:44, every other singer in the world can take one billion seats, because it's all just too perfect. Andrew Lee has the voice of an angel, if angels sang by sucking their voices back into their bodies.

And you can't ask for better background visuals than these. Frogs? Check. Soccer ball? Done. Andrew Lee on Andrew Lee? Obvs. A cat in an Admiral's outfit? Doy. Friends credits? Don't be basic -- of course.

If you're in the market for something a little more groovy that you can really dance to, you're in luck. Welcome to "Body Heat," where the going always gets hot.



Are the kids clipping pens into their unruly, yet luxurious, bangs and jamming in front of ironing boards now? Is that the hot new trend? I'm so MF-ing glad that YouTube wasn't around when I was a teenager/young adult/whatever age is happening here. Thank you, technology gods.

Fireworks and champagne all around for being an old bitch.




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Happy (Almost) Friday, Here's A Video Of Me At A Party

I really needed to share this video just in case you ever invite me to do something. If I come (which I really won't), this is exactly what I will do the ENTIRE TIME. I'm the worst kind of person.

All I need in this life of sin is me and this dog friend. Ride or die to the very end, just me and this dog friend. (Me and this dog friend.)



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The "Apparently" Kid And Other Best Bits O' The Day

Have you seen this video of the "apparently" kid? Because apparently I love him more than at least 78% of all other humans. Apparently.
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Apparently (sorry, I can't stop), bears are just like us, and hate Justin Bieber. Yay! According to this story from The Daily Mail, a Russian fisherman-type dude was getting full-on mauled by a brown bear until THE BEAR WAS SCARED OFF BY HIS BABY BIEBS RINGTONE that went off just as the bear was getting down to business.

A few things: a) remind to never move to Russia because it sounds scary as shit, b) HAHAHAHAHA, Biebs, even bears put you in the "Oh, eff no" category. The poor, unfortunate, bear-mauled soul is recovering from severe cuts and bruises from the bear, but homie is going to be okay. As far as having JB's "Baby" as a damn default ringtone, the guy claimed that his "granddaughter loaded it onto my phone for a joke."

Okay, sir, stick to that story. Get well soon and stuff.

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Is Chris Pratt trying to make us all want to kiss him on the mouth? Because if that's what he's campaigning for, it's totally working.

Here he is on a Sirius/XM show rapping Eminem's part from "Forgot About Dre." This really makes me love him 3984230985 times more since I bump to this song on the daily, because it's on my workout playlist. (JK, I'm really horrible about my fitness, so I hear it like thrice a month.) Whatever, Chris, we get it. You're adorable and funny and the best. Just be all of our boyfriends.

P.S. What raps do you guys have memorized? I have a couple of early-ish Snoop Dogg songs, Salt 'n' Pepa's "Shoop" and Biggie's "Juicy" down. Yet, I can't remember to take a damn daily vitamin.



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Allure Insiders Get The Look: Megan Fox's April O'Neil In Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Tutorial

It's almost time for the re-vamped version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (ugh, I'm such a Michelangelo), so I decided a tutorial on Megan Fox's April O'Neil look for this week's Allure Insiders video. Heroes in a half shell, TURTLE POWER, and whatnot.



Check it out, and you can find all of my Allure Insiders videos here, if you just really can't get enough of my melodic voice and dreamy ass mug.




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