There was a big ass fire burning near an LA-area neighborhood today, so of course the news was there to report on it, wearing their let's-pretend-we're-on-the-Weather-Channel serious outdoor jacket finery. But an absurdly large rain coat and windy day half-pony do not a "GUUUUUURL Of The Day" make. Oh, no. That accomplishment could only be obtained by the shining star that is this dude, who was so douchey that his dog asked for his face to be obscured out of sheer horror and shame.
Not only does this shirtless, snapback-ed wonder ask out a random stranger on live TV, in what seems to be at least an orange on the dangerous encounters scale, but he also opines that the fire is "pretty cool." SIR. GO HOME. We've had just about enough of your bullshit for today.
Sorry I'm been lax on the posting this week, homies. I've been working on some other stuff (we'll talk about that another time) that has been taking up all my time. I'M SORRY. I KNOW.
Next week will probably be shitty too, so preemptive apologies all around. I'll do my best (which you probably know is like a regular person's worst).
In the meantime, let's enjoy this (I'm 99.9999% positive) Addy Award-winning TV commercial. Because it's perfect.
I know that this is a thing of friggin' beauty because I don't even know who my favorite person is in this thing. It's like picking which is my favorite, wine or pizza. (Psssh, it's wine.)
Anyway, enjoy this tiny dude's hair enigma. I'll catch you on the flip side, or the crossroads, whichever comes first.
Let's be honest. You couldn't even focus on the alleged mythical beast after peeping the more mythical scene on JaQuée's head.(I'm assuming that's the legitimate spelling of Jackie's name.) Is that a teased George Washington wig? If so, get me some wooden teeth and pass me one, because homegirl is the definition of perfection. I want in.
Listen, I don't know what the shit that thing is in the cage, but I'm sure as hell not trusting Arlen Parma's opinion on anything. LAUGH IT UP, ARLEN. THIS IS NO JOKE. You better keep those hater blockers on to protect yourself from my searing eyeballs.
But you know what is a joke? This.
Where did they get this artist's rendering? A late night anime show on Cartoon Network? A pre-teen boy's biology notebook cover? Whoever dragged this effery out of the trash needs to take several damn seats. Quit playing.
The chupacabra bids you good day, news people, and so do I. I really have to go work on some shit. Chupy and I have a ton of new pics to post on our joint "Fans of Queen JaQuée" Instagram account.
Okay, even though my trash box ass watches the shit out of Teen Mom, I think I passed. But I definitely learned one thing today -- I want David Puddy to be my primary healthcare provider.
I could listen to him say, "That's some unoriginal ratchet shit right there," through any general medical procedure.
If all of your indicators pointed toward being basic, don't worry. You're here, reading this, instead of checking out celebrity news on aol.com (that's what my dad does -- so basic), so you're good, baby.
This video really has everything that I need in life: Aubrey Plaza's unconventionally dark weirdness, rock candy masquerading as crack rock, love triangles, and fanny packs. It's Ring Pop-levels of perfect.
I'm going to be honest. I have zero friggin' clues what this song is even about. I can really only make out the following things: cele-bruh-dee, friend requestin', stars, and getting air. Wait, is this a fan fiction about White Men Can't Jump? P.S. You can't name your song "Blowin" if you've done porn stuffs. It's an unwritten rule in humanity.
I love when this low-rent shit says, "Official Video," like Meryl Streep made an unofficial video, and Farrah doesn't want anyone to be confused. Also, why is your child in this video? The rest of it is drinking with alleged "fans" and writhing about next to a barn prison door, so I don't really see a need to bring children of the world into this mess. But let's not forget the best part:
I have to say something that probably goes against current popular opinion. I hate Pharrell's "Happy." It's like musical version of some bag of b-holes telling you to smile. Don't tell me when to smile.
So power blasting a song telling me to be happy doesn't, in fact, make me feel happy. It makes me wonder when the shit it's going to end. Like this guy:
I feel you, sir. If people still wore watches, I would totally be looking at mine right now. But ol' timepiece isn't even my favorite elderly person in this video. I found my not-down-ass soulmate:
He's surly as eff, enjoys a pink shirt, can't clap two hands together, and is somewhat androgynous, as old people are wont to be. This man is perfect. I want to binge-watch a Columbo marathon with him.
Oh, and screw this guy. (Figuratively, of course.) You know what actually makes me happy? This:
Overall, when it comes to humans, I'm all, "meh." Some people are okay, but a lot are kind of not. I hinted at my love for TF yesterday, but just in case you aren't 100% convinced that she's pretty much the best, let's look at some evidence.
Part I, for your consideration...
"I didn't look like...a...person," is completely relatable to me, because this:
Many parts of my life have been spent in limbo between being a possible homo sapien, and maybe a weird troll-ish Russian fairy tale creature that favors Z Cavaricci pants, so I understand this sentiment.
Part II is comprised of she and Jimmy Fallon being completely adorable together in this lip flip bit from The Tonight Show. Funny people laughing at themselves is one of the best things, so jump on that figurative sleigh ride of joy.
If you still aren't convinced, and you have 16 minutes (you do, stop pretend being busy), watch her episode of Jerry Seinfeld's web series "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" here. She's a mf-ing delight, and her hair looks fantastic.
And because she's so opaque to the public, and never reads about herself online, I can say this without nagging fears of rejection: I love you lots, Tina Fey. Never stop being so Tina Fey-ish. That's like writing "stay sweet," in someone's middle school yearbook, but better. Your brain (I won't say body, that's creepy and presumptuous) is a wonderland.
Life is hard, man. Sometimes you see a sexy mofo, you want to look at them, but you don't know the appropriate length of time that you can thrust your eyeballs upon them. If only there was some kind of ruuuuuuule...Sweet Jesus' Birkenstocks.
This video raises so many questions in my mind grapes. Who the eff are the backup singers on this track? Muppets? Demons from The Labyrinth? Why is there a creepy, disembodied, old-timey lady's outfit posted up in the corner of the classroom? Is this some kind of historical monument that homegirl is sanging all over? WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON AFTER THE 2:30 MARK? No, seriously, what the eff is that? Why is she squatting? Is she having stomach pains? Did she just run really far? I'm not really sure how to live my life from here.
Has there ever been anything more awkward than this video?
Oh, man. You know it's going to be great music video experience when that little artist/title thingy doesn't leave the corner of the screen for well over a minute. You really know that things are headed to Perfection-ville, population Cathy, when she removes her sunglasses apparatus from her sensible Lens Crafters creations. Those were NOT from the $99 wall, I can almost guarantee.
But then things start taking an odd turn for me. When KC goes on about "tasting adventure," sh*t got weird. Keyboard Cathy clearly very feels VERY sensual feelings about sashimi, you guys. Wait. Is this really just a bowl-cutted video full of sexual innuendo? By the eyebrows at the 2:41 mark, I don't really think that it could be anything else. OH MY GOD, AT 3:35 IT'S ALL JUST TOO MUCH. Is Key Key possibly talking about try her OTHER bowl cut? And is it...is it...pierced?
Well, I probably just ruined your weekend, your life, and any chance in hell of you going to a sushi restaurant again, so also the sushi industry as a whole. My work here is done.
This is the "Dark Horse" teaser video. This is also Katy Perry wearing effing gigantic rhinestones on her teeth. Like, GIGANTIC. Like, so big that homie can't close her mouth and the Titanic crashed into it.
Cleopatra is all, "What the f*ck is this ridiculous b doing?" from her sarcophagus made from completely non-rhinestone jewels right now. What a historical abomination.
Remember when I used to do that whole 'GUUUUUURL of the Day' deal? Yeah, I should probably get my sh*t together and actually try to do things that I'm supposed to do more often. Just like my middle school guidance counselor said, I should really apply myself more.
So in the spirit of getting back on (off?) the wagon, here's a video from yesteryear (2008) that I am just now discovering, even though I have a full subscription to every unicorn-related newsletter from here to eternity. I must have been too busy vajazzling in '08, causing this gem (zing!) to slip though my grubby paws.
I don't know who this delightfully bowl-cutted young man is, but I want in on this Unicorn Kingdom Club. Move, Miss Emily, get out the way. "Just close your eyes and grab onto the horn, " is a motto I can totally get behind.
In most of the US today it's cold as a mf-ing polar bear's ween. So what will warm us up? DANCE!
Put on your best rainbow sour belt-inspired leotard, buy all the fringe that Michael's has to offer, and DANCE like it's 1982 and your leotard is too short in the stride and inhibits your posture!
But you know what? Dancing's not for everyone. Just stay well within your comfort zone.
Thanks, Snuggie, for introducing a new generation to the world of raising the roof. Now we can all look like a-holes for eternity.
I finally stopped being lazy for 3.5 seconds, put my grown lady panties on, and made a video about Urban Decay's Naked3 palette. Give it a watch to see what gets me all hot and bothered (gross) about it, as well as how it stacks up against the original Naked. Now, LET'S GET NAKEY (X 3)!
By the way, here's a closer look at N3, if you're so inclined to see that sh*t up close and personal like:
You can pick up Naked3 here, or if original Naked is more your cup o' tea, check it here.
Usually I feel like this about in regards to most humans:
It's pretty universal in my world. But then J Hud, the keeper of the amazing pipes, comes along does something super sweet and selfless and makes the rest of the celebrity world look like a big old bag o' d's. As the world's best boss move she bought her assistant, and friend since elementary school, A MF-ING HOUSE for Christmas. This video is him discovering the big reveal.
Well, that is just the cutest thing I've witnessed in a hot minute. The only thing more adorable than that is (maybe) a basket of kittens.
The fact that this video is entitled "White Tiger 5" is horrifying. That means we haven't gotten enough from episodes one through friggin' four. I know that this is something sexual to some people, but I'm not really sure to what kink demographic. People that are into the retired tigers from Sigfried & Roy? Faux claw fetishes? Leotard aficionados? Dudes that like sexy animal versions of President Martin van Buren's sideburns?
Whoever finds this porn-y, do you, and sh*t. I'll just be over here mentally bleaching the eff out of my brain area.
Hey guys, guess what? I found the anthem of current times, and it features a lot of bad wigs, faux vomiting, a shirtless Jersey Shore-esque dude on a trampoline and a sh*tload of Ozzy Osbourne sunglasses.
Let's dissect this as we watch.
0:01 - Prom shoes.
0:12 - Oh, sh*t. This is going to be bad.
0:18 - Humping birds and an inauthentic Facebook "like" thumb. Why?
0:22 - Ohhhhh, this is Eastern Euopean. Where they really enjoy Hasselhoff. I kind of wish he was in this.
0:33 - Huge "YOLO" joints. Is that how you must watch this?
0:47 - *than
0:51 - Dance floor. Two words. Who edited this???
0:53 - "I'm just like Paris Hilton in 2003, but Russian and I have a Jack Russel"
1:22 - A guy on the trampoline has a rotary phone. If that doesn't make you feel YOLO, I don't know what would.
1:30 - What kind of top does one reach from YOLO-ing? Trash mountain?
1:35 - What the eff is going on with that low-rent DIY liquor (?) bottle?
1:42 - Apparently, being freightened by break-dancing, cheap ass mask-wearing dude in an unfinished apartment building makes you brave.
1:54 - Prince('s cousin's adopted son)?
2:45 - Oh, good, it's over.
2:46 - Dammit.
2:50 - Glamorous condom slipping.
2:57 - Romance.
3:00 - "Jewels."
3:17 - Running Man with terrible form.
3:37 - Popping YOLO bottles in the Wet Seal version of the "Bad" Michael Jackson jacket.
Annnnnnd, scene. If that video cost more than a day old ham sandwich to make, homegirl should demand a refund. I'm pretty sure I just watched the live action, musical version of this:
Warning: NSFW due to things like boobies and roughly 10 million effs, but life is kind of NSFW, offices of America. Revolt! (I'm just getting you prepared for the high drama.)
Warning #2: This mess is 30 minutes long, so get comfortable. Or break it up into segments to watch during your pee pee times.
That was a long ass haul, but I happened to watch all of it, and I don't watch all of much. The first scene featured a unicorn, so did I even have a frigging choice in this matter? If you are too time-cheap to invest 30 minutes into watching, here's the Cliff's Notes version:
Lana and a little skinny guy, who I'm guessing is an H&M model, or something, are in the Garden of Eden wearing my Halloween costume from 2002. (This is not a lie. I wish I had a picture.) They're joined by Faux-arilyn Monroe, Fake-lvis and Non-John Wayne. Oh, and Jesus. Jesus is there. Lana takes a bite of the proverbial forbidden fruit, or whatever, and...scene.
She's now a stripper in a club with fire hazard-ly low ceilings, and HAS TEARDROP TATTOOS on her face, which happen to be my favorite accessory.
There's probably a late 90's Ice Cube song playing in this place. Skinny model guy works at some low-rent store where shirtless dudes come in and do possible crank/angel dust/something I don't even know about from the front counter. He also points plungers around like a fake gun. Sometimes Lana sits on the low-rent store's counter in oversized t-shirts, BECAUSE JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A STRIPPER DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S SLUTTY. Skinny's probably getting a raise soon. At some point a Day of the Dead party is attended. A robbery of boring old white men (some with Brad-Pitt-circa-1997-highlights) is planned, using the ol' stripper/armed robbery switcharoo.
Next we find Skinny and Lana in a Bonnie and Clyde-esque car driving through a field, while Lana discards the old parts of their former thug life, ending with her taking off the black chiffon thingy she's wearing. Now they're wearing white, because they're now dead/innocent again. OBVIOUSLY. But don't worry, the tattoo tear drops are still kicking it and staying alive, unlike them. There's wheat field dancing, water play (not peeing though), and finally ascending to heaven, or Non-John Wayne's rifle storage shed. I'm not really sure.
Overall, I was pretty, pretty into this hootenanny. I know some people are not jumping on the LDR train, but I happen to have bought a round trip ticket with no refunds. Not to mention, this mini movie featured her song "Gods and Monsters," and that just happens to be my sh*t.
Judge me if you feel the need, PHAEDRA. What did you guys think? Like/hate/meh? Too long to watch, even for teardrop tattoos? (You need to re-evaluate your priorities.)
