How To Get Hair So Glossy That It Might Blind a B*tch.

If this were last year, I would have totally called this post "Hair That Shines Bright Like A Diamond," but as per ush, my ass is a day late and a dollar effin' short. Either way, I've got some super simpleton tips to get locks so shiny and glossy that they will inspire a new fairy tale entitled, "Glossy Locks." Duh.

Get Rid of the Josie Grossie-ness

the clarifyers: apple cider vinegar and clarifying shampoo

One of the biggest culprits of dull head hairs is excess buildup of gross sh*t like products and residue. Think of it this way -- your hair can hang on to stuff like your favorite pair of black leggings. After the day is done, you've got errrythang from Cheetos fingerprints to blanket lint all up on that mess.  You need something to get a clean slate.

That's where clarifying treatments come in. There are a couple of roads you can take to Shine Town, and one of my favorites routes is apple cider vinegar. I've used ACV for a ton of sh*t from facial toner to drinking it on the daily, but we can get into all that hootenanny later. The ACV hair rinse is crazy easy; just mix equal parts ACV with water, then apply to your hair by just dumping it over or by spritzing it on with a spray bottle after you finish shampooing. Leave it on for a few minutes, rinse, and your ass is done.

If that seems too granola for your beauty routine, don't worry. Neutrogena makes a great, cheap clarifying shampoo that works quite nicely. I recommend clarifying, in whatever effin' way works for your life, once a week for normal heads, or twice a week for oily messes (AKA me). But one word of warning, if you have very delicate hair, or like fire engine red dyed hair, consult a pro before doing any of this. I don't want to get any hate Hallmark cards because I ruined your hair game.

Use a Gloss-inducing Conditioner

molton brown london plum-kadu glossing conditioner, $30

As you can tell from this well-loved bottle of glossing conditioner that the Molton Brown peeps sent me, I'm way into glossy ass conditioners. Whenever I use this stuff people are all, "Why's your hair so damn shiny?" And I'm all, "Why are you up in my business?" (Just kidding, I thank them like a normal human.) This sh*t is the truth.

Here's the deal with condtioners -- you don't necessarily need a really heavy, moisturizing conditioner when looking for shiny hair. Sometimes heavier conditioners end up leaving hair looking dull and weighed down, so instead look for something that screams SHINE, SHINY, GLOSSY, FLOSSY B*TCH all over it. That's the ticket.

Bonus Tip: Right before you get out of the shower, blast your mop with really cold water. It seals in that really shiny shine.


Get Yo' Oil On

my b's: kitoko oil treatment and josie maran argan oil hair serum

I've talked about these little beauts before, but I'm still Beyoncé-style crazy in love with hair oils. Nothing else makes my hair feel as glossy and luxurious as these badass boys. The good good on hair oils are that they do great ish like keep your hair cuticle smooth, while protecting hair from the medieval torture devices of flat irons and curling wands, without weighing down and getting hair all filmy. If you haven't jumped on this friggin' bandwagon yet, I don't know what you're waiting on, but it's time, yo.

Bonus Tip: If you STILL need more shine, try a clear hair glaze to just get ridiculous amounts of gloss in this b.

Your hair's going to be so shiny, the world best be wearing shades.



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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I'll help you "Fake It Till You Make It: How to Create Those Beauty Features You Weren't Born With." Faking sh*t has never looked so good. You can check it here.




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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure

This week for Allure, I ventured into this hot ass weather and how to keep your beauty sh*t tight when it's hot as hell. Go check out Hot Weather Beauty Hacks: Keep It All Together When The Going Gets Hot here.




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Cures for the Long Weekend Beauty Hangover

I hope you mofos had an amazing ass long weekend, if you had one of those. If you didn't, then sorry for bringing that sh*t up. What a b. I had to work, then I balled out by visiting my Gam Gam, and I also watched a b-hole-load of Arrested Development while doing a lot of this:

So, I wilded the eff out. (No, I didn't.) If you did, in fact, get crunk this weekend, you are probably recovering in some way or another from some kind of unfortunate decision-making that you partook in. But don't worry your sweet ass about anything. I've got your (beauty) solutions covered. Anything else, you might want to have a doctor look at that mess.

Awkward Tan Lines

 
I'm sure a ton of your asses were all laid up on the beach/pool/side of the road/back yard this weekend, soaking up that first bit of summer. Number one: WEAR YOUR SUNSCREEN, B's. Looking raggedy in your 20's is not a good look. But it's possible that you got a little careless and missed a couple of applications. You're a human; it happens. (I'm sure mai tai consumption had ZERO things to do with that.) Unfortunately, I really have a severe anti-boner over weird tan lines. It just makes me imagine people wearing this nonsense on a beach, and livin' it up, Ja Rule style.

That is just awkward as sh*t for everyone in your workplace. There's an easy solution for this problem, though. The best thing to do is to take one of those small foam paintbrushes, or a makeup sponge, and paint on a coat or two of self tanner to those tan lines. It will help blur them, at least, if not blend them away completely. Please, I beg of you, don't wear a weird tube top with weird tan lines. Unless you star in some tan line fetish, um, material. In that case, carry the eff on. Get money.

Hamburglar Under Eye Circles

i stole this from an ANGELFIRE page. can't you tell???

Aren't dark ass under eye circles the balls, you guys? No one wants to look like a friggin' corpse bride in this b*tch. And they can be RIDICULOUS to cover. But there is a little trick to covering those a-holes on your face. You have to use a yellow-y concealer to cover anything with a blue undertone, like dark circles. I did makeup in a medi spa for a hot minute, and I had to cover stuff like bruises from Botox and fillers. The best bet was to use the super yellow-toned concealer, and pat it on the bruises, which is essentially what dark circles are. Blend well and cover with a powder that matched your actual skin tone. You'll totally unzombify yourself. It works.

Fried, Insane Hair

Sometimes in life, your hair looks almost like this. Whether it is sun damaged, over-hairsprayed from long nights out, or heat damaged. The easiest and cheapest cure for this is an oil treatment, and I'm not talking V05. I love a good coconut oil hair treatment, but you can also use olive oil if you happen to have it. Rub some between your palms, and apply it to dry hair until it's pretty saturated all over. Leave it on for at least 30 minutes, and then shampoo really well and LIGHTLY condition. Your frizzed out mess will be waaaay more moisturized and manageable. Then you are free to go cook some eggs or some sh*t with the rest of the oil. Don't forget bacon.

No matter what kind of beauty damage you did to yourself this weekend, you can be sure of one thing -- it wasn't as bad as this.



"Whoooot's goin' on?" Chillin', chillin'. Rollin' with the homies. Welcome back to the real world, b*tches.

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