Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

True Blood Musings: It's About to Be War


Last time we saw Sookie, she looked like this. WHAT HAPPENED??? DID SHE PASS ON FOREVA AND EVA???

Jump, and we'll talk about this mess.


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Monday, July 15, 2013

True Blood Musings: Errrybody's Effed

You guys know how I felt about the first few episodes of TB this season.


Luckily, it HAS gotten better. Now I'm a little more like this.


I won't spoil it for you peeps that haven't watched, but serious ish-nay went on this week. Jump with me, and let's talk about it.


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Monday, July 8, 2013

True Blood Musings: Gotcha, B*tch!

Well, things are FINALLY starting to get good in this b*tch. And this episode was full of these kind of moments:



Let's jump so we can talk deets and not upset those late to class h's that haven't watched yet.

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Monday, July 1, 2013

True Blood Musings: I'm Still Here

Here's how it's been feeling lately when it comes to True Blood.


We're all still here, so let's just get this over with. Jump with me, and let's talk about how this week's epi sucked a little less hard.

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Monday, June 24, 2013

True Blood Musings: Everything's Boring

We start the episode with getting our 50th glimpse of Warlow.


He seems super attractive and nice. Just let yourself be promised to his ass, Sook.

Can we just get on with this? Let's jump and see what happened this week.


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Monday, June 17, 2013

True Blood Musings: I Wanna Do Blob Things to You

Well mofos, here we are again. Another season of True Blood kicked off last night, so that means my musing are back. And let me tell you, it really started out with a meh...


Dammit, can't Bill just stay a blob of goo on the ground? His looks would finally match his personality. Where's a vat of Goo Gone when you need one?

We're going to delve into all of the episode, so duh, spoilers ahead. If you're all watched up, and ready to talk about it, follow me after the jump.


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Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Beauty Sh*t I'm Going to Bring With Me When I Take a Time Machine Back to Game of Thrones Times.

Dammit, you guys. I JUST STARTED WATCHING GAME OF THRONES YESTERDAY. I know, I know. I'm a dumb d*ck.

I just hate this kid's face. So much.
And don't effing spoil crap for me, because I'm only in the middle of the first season. I already read all the hoopla from this week's episode on social media, and and I don't want to know what it means, and I want to keep it that way. I will come to your house and slap you if you tell me ANYTHING.


 Okay, I won't. I love your asses, but still. Don't.

After watching going on six hours of this magic, I decided that I totally want to take a time machine back to the Game of Thrones olden days. BUT, I want to be able to take beauty products with me, because Khaleesi. (That gorgeous, gorgeous b.)

Burt's Bees Facial Cleansing Toweletts, $6
The first thing that I'll desperately need are these Burt's Bees face wipes. I have tried a dragon's egg ton of face wipes, and these are the bee's knees. (Ugh. No. Someone stop me.) If you're living in pre-shower times, these mofos are a must.

Johnson's White Baby Powder with Cornstarch, $2.44
And because I am the oiliest humanoid on this planet, the fun oily times don't stop with my face area. I shall also require the assistance of a baby powder to sop up the grossness of second day (and beyond) hair. If you have dark hair, sadly, you are SOL when it comes to using cheap crap like baby powder as a dry shampoo. Someone once told me that you can use cocoa powder, but I've never tried that mess. Let me know if you have primary research on that sh*t, so we can all get our lives together.

Colgate Wisp Optic White, $7.99 for 16
C'mon, ain't nobody got a toothbrush up in those days, so these disposable tooth deals with be super necessary. Can you even imagine what everything smelled like back then? I can't even handle sexy time scenes. You know it was gross as hell.

Revlon ColorStay Ultimate Suede in Backstage ($7.49) and Stila's Stay All Day Mascara ($22)
I DO NOT plan on roaming about without any makeup on. Sorry, homies, not happening. But I have narrowed that sh*t down to the bare essentials. Imma need a waterproof mascara, and Stila's Stay All Day is my ride-or-die choice. It's supposed to be volumizing, but it's not so much. But it does separate the lashes nicely and has great staying power, which is essential. You know my ass will be crying all day, erry day. My constitution is quite delicate.

I picked Revlon's ColorStay Ultimate Suede Lipstick in Backstage for dual purposes -- lips and cheeks. Backstage is a pretty dark berry-ish color, so I don't apply it like a regular lipstick. I blot it on lips and cheeks, then blend it in, so it's like a lip stain. Plus, it's got great staying power, just in case I'm forced to work at a pleasure house, or something.


Always be prepared. Now, if you'll excuse my ass, if going back to my endless GoT watching sesh.




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Monday, June 3, 2013

YOU GUYS, the Trailer for the Anna Nicole Lifetime Movie is Here.

Remember that time a bajillion years ago when I told you that Lifetime was making an Anna Nicole Smith movie, and I created a fake cast? Well, that ish is on the brink of its premiere (it's on the 29th), and Lifetime used exactly ZERO of my ideas.


But, whatever, I'm totally not mad. Anyway, here's the trailer for this mess.



Clearly, I will be watching the sh*t out of this. I do have one issue, though. I feel like the actress portraying ANS would be better suited for a Jennie Garth biopic. amiright?


DAMMIT, KELLY! STOP MAKING IT ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME!




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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Definitive Proof That Beards and Boyz II Men Make Dudes 100% Hotter

Skip to 7:10 for the good good.



I've always thought that John Krasinski (AKA Jim from The Office) was moderately hot. Like hottest guy you saw at the grocery store today hot, but not necessarily John Hamm/Alexander Skarsgard/face made of rugged angel Pegasus wings hot. That is UNTIL TODAY. Here he is on Jimmy Fallon's show lip syncing "I'll Make Love to You." (If you must.) That beard is KILLIN' IT for homeboy's face. I'm buying whatever you're selling here, Krasinski. I'll take a million of each.


Yes.


All of this.





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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Dammit, Jon Hamm is Trying to Force Me to Turn On My Baby Maker.



Here's a shocker for you all, I'm sure -- I don't have kids. I mean, can you imagine? Me, shaping tiny humans' minds? Probs not great. But I might be forced into breeding if it means I get to watch MORE of my favorite hot b, Jon Hamm. Especially when that sexy vanilla push-up pop is all bearded up. Hamm-ster just turned millions of ladies' oven switches to 'ON' with this little stunt of popping up on Sesame Street. Great job in causing mass chaos due to overpopulation of anywhere that has PBS, JON.

P.S. It's probably illegal for me to enjoy watching this in all 50 states and Puerto Rico.


Great, I just got flagged by the FBI.


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Thursday, March 21, 2013

Beauty Sh*t I Learned From Watching This Season of Girls (Beyond Not Sticking a Q-tip In Your Ear)

I'm sad, you guys. This season of Girls is over, and that mess was my jam. And because I HAVE to talk about stuff I like here, I also found some valuable beauty lessons from watching the show this season. Feel free to add your own in the comments, or talk about whatever the eff you want. I'm not the boss of you.

Don't Cut Your Own Hair.
via elle
 And if you do, expect it to look like a recovering heroin addict shaped that ish up in the back. (Thanks, Laird.) That's not to say that a b can't trim her own bangs, or whatever. But let's get real in this mutha -- MOST people cannot duplicate a Carey Mulligan-esque haircut with scissors you stole from the UPS Store. Leave that mess to a professional, mmmmkay?

Perfect is Boring.
via hbo
Even Marnie was bored with how boringly perfect Marnie is, and at least kind of lost her ish this season. Being perfect is for the effin' birds, man. How sexy is Jessa and all of her crazy, imperfect, weirdness? I'm not saying not to be a classy, coiffed lady, if that's you. But if you're a bit of a sh*t storm -- that's cool, too. Do you, baby.
  
Even B's With Gorgeous, Kate Middleton-y Hair Can Have Crap Hair Days.

Not to keep slapping Marnie with a big bag o' d's (okay, so I kind of hate her), but her hair wasn't so Jhirmack-bouce-back-beautiful this season. And homegirl's got some banging ass hair. So whenever you're having one of those days when you wished you owned a collection of Dolly Parton's wigs, remember that everyone has those days. Then put your damn hair in a bun, or something, and move on.

Never Underestimate the Mini-Makeover.
via vulture
Seriously, how hot did Charlie get this season? He was scruffier yet more chic and tailored, and just all around sexier. It's not like he changed that much -- facial hair and better hair styling? The details make the difference. Just ask your lady business, that girl knows what's up.





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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

I Can't Stop Staring at Jon Hamm and All of His Dude Business.

Have you guys seen the new promo pictures for Mad Men Season 6? Those are some hot ass mofos, right? And in anticipation of the upcoming MM premiere next month, I have compiled a photo collection of the sexiest b in the group -- Jon Hamm. (Freakin' doy.) So let's explore why Hammy is so damn hot.

He's got a bangin' ass beard.
I mean, come the hell on.
He has a cute dog, whose face is adorably tiny for his body.
He has sexual corrective lenses.
Are you fuh-real with that smile? That crap could rip ladies' pant off.
He likes to keep that ish cas. (Stop trying to make cas happen.)
I'm not into the ciggie, but I'm totally into breakfast. Like, anytime.
Homeboy knows...
How to wear...
A friggin' pair of pants.
And really, is there ANYONE hotter than Don Draper???

(KIND OF) NSFW UPDATE: This is why I love my people. (Name withheld for embarrassment purposes.)




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Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Beauty Ish I Learned from Watching Seinfeld.

I really love Seinfeld. Even though it's so effing old at this point, I can still watch episode after episode endlessly. And I really feel like it's still relevant today, even though the show was totally and completely in the 90's.

 

Sigh. I'm an old ass b -- I'm completely aware. I've even garnered some beauty tips from watching the show, which is a completely strange occurrence. Here are some of them, gathered up and served hotter than the coffee that scalded Kramer's crotch.

Using unconventional beauty products is okay.
 


I actually use coconut oil as my body lotion every day, so I totally feel Kramer on this one. But, beware baking yourself, as he did later in the episode.

Smoking is bad as eff for your looks.



I know that my ass (face) doesn't want to look like a pruned up mofo. Don't smoke people. It's not cute.

Sometimes you need a little (artificial) beauty help.



Listen, there ain't a THANG wrong with utilizing a little fake hair. George's toupee wasn't looking all that glamorous, but do what you gotta do, guys.

Don't be afraid to work what you've got.



Errrrm, this is pretty self explanatory. WERK. THAT. ISH. Sometimes it just gets the job done.

Water pressure is really important.



Bad water pressure can totally eff up your game, man. Don't drool on me, shower, and expect me to be happy about that sh*t.

Do your asses ever pick up beauty tips from scripted TV shows? Andy Griffith or some sh*t? Share your wisdoms!


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Monday, December 31, 2012

"I Got Cramps, All Right?"

I am a slightly saavy person of the world. I'm not completely out of touch with how sh*t works, so I totally understand that things like products placements are necessary to the world of TV and movies. Get that money, boo. But take a gander at this and tell me that you don't want to simultaneously want to stab out your own eyeballs, ear holes, and maybe even uterus.



WTF, soap operas? It's not enough that you're already the worst, you have to be like, THE WORST? This sh*t made me hate having a uterus, Midol, and pink sateen, all in one swift kick to the lady flower. And apron being all inquisitive about that nonsense made it all even worse. Go eat some delicious cheese sticks in the back, or something.


If you're sick of Grumpy Cat, then you best avert your eyes. Because that b is my number one homegirl, forever and ever. We always seem to exude the same feelings from our eyes. It's the anti-smize.






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Thursday, December 20, 2012

This Is in My Head 99.9999% of the Day.



Why, oh why, can't I know someone named Patrice?



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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

My Crusade to BFF Up Jennifer Lawrence, Part Honey Boo Boo



This isn't the first time I have realized that I am awkwardly in love with Jennifer Lawrence. This time, she tells Jay Leno how she got into a car accident because she thought she saw Honey Boo Boo.

via f*ckyeahlizlemon
Oh, how I love J Law.

P.S. Can I tell you b's something? I'm afraid I will HATE Honey Boo Boo next season. It's a big phobia for me right now. Like you know when something is awesome, and then the thing realizes it's awesome, and then it's kind of absolutely terrible? I think that's happening.

P.P.S. You know what's always kind of terrible? Jay Leno.




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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Everyone In This Video



This is a glorious little doozy about supermarket tabloids. You can pretty much skip to like 1:50 on this video, so you can get straight to the crazies. Let's talk about things that are happening here.


Alien Lady -- Did they also abduct your eyebrows? Why are you talking about this in front of your kid? Completely inappropriate. And your art work is nothing short of atrocious.


Dummy Guy -- What the hell is this meeting with other dummies? That is the dumbest story I've ever heard. (ZING!) Stick to the roads, sister. Stick to the roads.


Devil Toaster -- Your acting is ridiculous. You straight up just showed burned toast that you scraped words into with a knife. And that little "fire show?" B, please. You've got to come a little harder than that.


Oh, and the reporter guy? Take off that khaki fishing vest. You look like a douche. And like the guy that made Lord of the Rings.




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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: That B, Sandy

Update: Sandy really is a b*tch. I hope all of the NYC-er's are safe and sound. It looks scary as hell up there! I'm thinking about you, boos.
pic via nydailynews
Hurricanes are a mutha effin' pain in the ass, aren't they? I've lived in FL my entire life, so trust, I know. And this Sandy trick is no joke. So all of you people in her path be careful, you hear me? Everytime I hear Hurricane Sandy, I picture this in my head:


For those of you that are under 30, you probably don't recognize this Sandy. This is Sandy Duncan, actress of the 80's and before, that I had always known to have a glass eye. It was a much talked about/fodder for annoying 80's comics kind of deal. WHICH I found out when researching just now (Shut up. I read ish sometimes.) ISN'T EVEN TRUE. She is blind in one eye, but that puppy is au naturale. I feel like my childhood was a lie.

I know Sandy Duncan from the show Valerie, which became the show Valorie's Family: The Hogans, which became The Hogans. Damn, that's a torrid show title history. But really, I remember the show because it starred Jason Bateman as one of the sons.

That's him, on the left.
When Jason Bateman's career had an initial resurgence a few years ago, I was like, "That's the dude from the show with the lady with the glass eye!"



Wow. The 80's were a helluva thing, weren't they?

P.S. You don't have to thank me for spending precious minutes of your life with this rambling, nonsensical mess. Sandy's (the hurricane) is a b face. I'm done.


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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Okay, Okay! JLH Has a Boyfriend.


Jennifer Love Hewitt has vajazzled her way into her The Client List co-star's heart. She has apparently been getting her chitty chitty bang bang on with her kind of sleepy-looking play TV husband, Brian Hallisay, for about eight months. Go 'head, girl, get down. I'm proud of JLH. B hasn't said a PEEP about this ish, and you know she likes to talk. Maybe someone finally dropped some truth bombs on her ass.

Although I kind of wish she was getting it on with her other love interest/brother in law on the show, Colin Egglesfield.


I mean, hey there, soulja. He's hot, so he took off his shirt, but his nips were cold. Okay? Keep up the sexy, Eggs.



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